Archive for 2003

okay the first blog entry — and its not really a blog entry, I’m writing in text edit with plans to put it my blog tomorrow, when I set it up. In all honestly, i’ve been thinking of putting a blog up for quite a while, but reading Shawn’s has kicked my ass into getting mine set up. He is so honest to the whole world in those, i feel as if I’m violating his privacy, and tipping the scales badly in my favor. I can read up on his history in his blog, but he has to trust me to tell him my history. But I have been up for too long at this point, I must get some sleep –

I wrote this after reading Dear Mom.

Dear Ms. Walker,
I know Shawn will always miss you.
I know it pains him that you will not see him move on and move into his life. But, I assure you that you have raised a fine young man, someone you can be secure in being proud of .
I am truly thankful for the kind, caring, and respectful man you have helped bring into my life. I promise to do my best, to care for him, and I know he will care for me, and look out for his happiness and best interests, even if that means sacrificing my own.
While, I will never get to meet you, your time and effort are truly appreciated.

Nick

I woke this morning listing to This American Life.. The episode today was number 228, titled You Are So Beautiful … To Me I listened to the first act, about a woman in love with her parrot, and then was wholly compelled to run downstairs and grab my paper journal. (sorry to all you net readers out there, somethings gotta be private!) I consumed several pages of writing, with no further end in sight regarding my debates of love. Sigh, sometimes even joy is incredibly complicated. Oh Well…

I’ve yet to talk to Jenni about Shawn for any length — our schedules just haven’t jived — she always has a way of helping me rationalize my way out of any situation. (Come on, she provided some very convincing arguments that by spending $2000 or so between my laptop and my bike, I was somehow saving money.)

I’m sitting here on Shawn’s feet (they’re cold) He’s working on his computer and I’m working on mine. We’re not saying anything to each other and I’m still enjoying it… But time to back up. I picked him up from the airport last night, and I still felt that magic that is between us all night.

We went out to eat dinner at Hops. We walked into the restaurant about 18 minutes before they were scheduled to close, I felt a bit guilty but the waitress was very nice, and even recognized that we were on a date, and offered one check. For most people it doesn’t seem that this would mean a big deal, but I really appreciated it — its just someone being accepting and professionally sensitive.

Boy.. okay what else is there ineresting to say. I did something strange and painful to my back yesterday, still haven’t figured it out — probally because I slipped and fell on the way to class yesterday. Shawn made a point of taking care of my yesterday — he is soo sweet. I honestly would’ve done what he did for me, but I don’t expect it from other people in return — I guess its just a continuing thread of me expecting more from myself than from others…

Lambda seems to be off to a reasonable start, nothing amazing yet.

Classes are going well, and besides that everything is fine.

okay this is my first voice memo eJournal entry uhhh so I dont know how long it can be … but … oh lets see tell myself I just got myself a smoothie my next ones free whoo hoo! ummm I don’t I find myself in a weird spot with Shawn enjoying like everything about it but so like searching for things that are wrong and not wanting to find any of them and haven’t so i guess thats not a problem… I don’t know why its sort of strange but … humph… i dont know sort of confusing I’m wanting to find something wrong but I can’t. I don’t know why I wanna find something wrong umm sort of confusing I don’t know. Umm … its all new territory for me so … it sort of freaks me out but its obviously cool … Ummm humph … Lambda Union had a good meeting Molly is finally resigned… Thank God… I feel so annoyed that I had to do that and frustrated that I had to do that but hummm… someone else nominated me for president so I don’t have to self nominate which is really cool and I’ve had a bunch at least a few people say “I don’t want Jermey to be president umm I think you’d make a better president.” so thats really cool ummm humph … nothing else i think thats about it soo … uhh i guess thats the end of the voice memo and I’ll type this up later.

A Note: Like the message says this was a voice memo on my cell phone which I typed later. I have included all those strange speech fillers, to be true to what I said. I obtained this wonderful skill working as a Communications Assistant at CSD of Ohio Relay. In addition to clarify, Molly was the President of Lambda Union, I’m the secretary. We had to ask her to resign, because she wasn’t doing the job.

Marcus is someone who is special to me for a strange reason, that I’m not quite sure why. I met him at the 2001/2002 New Year Party. He was a friend of Amanda Bennett‘s from Cincinnati. I felt a strange connection with him, but I never called him back.

I found myself talking a descent amount about him on the first date with Shawn, and when I got to work on Jan 1 I had a few minutes and I wrote him a letter. I’ve deliberated a week on what to do with this letter. I have decided to set this letter free from myself, out into internet space.

In addition I’ve decided to compost the actual letter and grow a plant or flower out of it. (along with some other items to be composted.) Its symbolic. I need to put this behind me, and move on from it.

Oh FYI: Marcus, was killed in a car accident, I never saw him again.

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I made it to my last “first class” today. My BIO106 lab. I’m actually enjoying it, despite my earlier prognostications of gloom and boredom. Of course I’m not enjoying it for just the class, but instead for the fact I get to do philosophy in it. Specifically in the Nova video we watched about ants, the PhD Dr. Wilson presented his opinions/value judgment as fact.

What my issue with the video was is that Dr. Wilson stated some things that are fundamentally value judgments without them being identified as such. Its strange, but a year ago, I never would have made that determination. I think I owe alot to Dr. Irvine in expanding my horizons and philosophical acumen over the past year.

I actually spent a few minutes talking with the TA about concerns, and she was happy that I was thinking about more than just “Dr. Wilson is ant obsessed” (he is.) But she also said that he’s very on the mark, with his theories that ants are wholly altrustic, and selfless. I agree it does appear this way, but we don’t have the same perspective, ants may instead all be working for their own survival. Its worth some more investigation.

Tonight I picked Jenni up at Barnes and Nobles after work. She was almost in tears. Without going into all the details she ended up terminating her employment at Circuit City. This is no small matter; she has worked for Circuit City for four and a half years.

Interestingly enough I expected her eventually to resign, just not in this way. Jenni has been struggling with balancing motherhood, work, and family; she has been feeling she hasn’t been paying enough attention to William.

What I find so interestring in this society is how much we don’t value parenthood. I feel that parenting is the ultimate gift that you can give, it is something that you never will be, and never should expect to be fully repaid for, giving the gift in and of itself is reward enough.

I guess the best example I can give of this, is when I’m holding, or burping, or playing with William, often it is alot of effort and sometimes results in my clothing being puked upon or salivated upon to no end. But these are so inconsequential to me, I derive an immense amount of joy from being with William, despite the fact that he drains my energy when I’m with him, and he requires all of my attention.

When I talked with my mom on Sunday one of the things that she said that I agreed with, is that the home and children need a parent to take care of them. The more and more time I spend with Jenni and William the more I realize that taking care of children is a full time job, and really does deserve the same respect as any other full time job.

I would have to say that perhaps because our society is so focused on what dollar value we can derive from something. Perhaps this is really a failure in economics being taught correctly. We’ve not as a society been taught to identify and attempt to quantify all costs and opportunity-costs associated with a choice; I believe too often people look at the monetary cost, and don’t fully examine the emotional, relationship, psychological, and personal costs involved with a choice.

For better or worse, I am beginning to think I agree more and more with Dr. Irvine’s thesis in Doing Right by Children, of which a core piece is that we are living above any standards that we have previously lived at as a society, but we are placing our children at a status below where they existed during the “golden age of childhood” in the 1950s.

I guess it is easy for me to say this as a non-parent, its always easiest to throw stones in a glass house if you live in a concrete bunker. The one thing is that I’ve really started critiquing parents, and noticing people who are doing a very good job vs. those who should have children services called on them.

I could keep going on I think, but at some point in my life I wish to have my own kids, but just want to wait for the right time in my life to adopt a child.

I’m lounging in the Lambda Union Office, and I can’t find something to do, so this is a good thing. I’ve been looking at Shawn’s and my eJournal and expecting a new entry. So, I feel a need to do a huge wrap up entry, but I’m not going to.

Shawn and I spent most of the weekend together, it was lots of fun! ;-) Boy, he is Beautiful!

I just had dinner with Jenni and William last night. William looks like he’s really happy that Jenni is home with him more. I still find it amazing that William is growing up soo fast! Next thing I know he’s going to be asking for dating advice or something.

Tommy (Molly’s girlfriend) just gave her commentary on what she thought about Molly’s resignation/impeachment threat, and I’m still annoyed that they don’t see that having Molly removed as president is something that we (eBoard) did we did for the good of the organization, it wasn’t something that we did to be spiteful to Molly.

I still have doubts about the Lambda Union elections tonight. and my speech is still unrehearsed, so…

I just feel as if I need this position, and its the best thing for me and the organization, but the members will decide tonight.

In other randomness, I determined that in 2004 Jenni will have known me half of her life, and I will have known her half of my life in 2005. And neither of us will know each other for more than 91% of our lives. Take a look at the Extended Entry to see all the gritty details of the Excel spreadsheet.

Time to go work on the speech more!

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okay this uhh another eJournal entry on the voice cell phone thingy… ummm I’m sitting here rehearsing my speech for Lambda Union tonight upstairs (unintelligable) umm I never realized how much I really wanted this position umm… I’m up against Tony Black, Germaine, and Jeremy. Ummm … Tony you bless the kid he’s got a great heart but he doesn’t realize what he’s getting himself into… ummm he just should run for secretary or an appointed position … ummm Germaine … I don’t know why I don’t feel Germaine [should be President] maybe I’ve got some ableism going in but I don’t know why I don’t feel Germaine should be President … umm shes a great gal and all but some reason I just can’t seem to accept myself umm seeing her as President of Lambda Union… I don’t know if thats ableism or I just don’t see her as the right person. Ummm Jeremy oh god ummm … what a drama queen ummm … (exhale) I don’t know I’m just fustrated with Jeremy and he can go off he doesn’t seem to do much work it me it seems like the Vice-President never does work… Josh never did work last year Jermey never does work. Most of the time he’s in the office he’s either on IM or he’s playing cards there on the computer ehh… I mean you know stuff you know I’m just trying to eat and I’m not doing a very good job on it but ummm I just really want this position and I wantta get out of the way I just wanna I don’t know why I want this position its just strange. mmm gotta get back to eating so thats the end of the journal ….