An apology?

I don’t deal well with being assertive.

I usually lapse into being aggressive, which serves me well at times in political arenas, but not well in relationships it appears.

I dunno.

First and foremost, I feel a need to flat out say why I write my eJournal. Its not for you, its not for my mother, its not for my counselor, its not for my close friends, its not for anyone, except for me. Period. This is a selfish endeavor that I use to get out my thoughts and put them out there to be read. I could be perfectly happy just writing this eJournal for myself, without ever having a reader. While I appreciate and carefully read all the comments, they are the icing on the cake.

I don’t plan these usually, lots of times I just sit down and type em out. Sometimes I’ve talked them into my cell phone’s memo feature, or I’ve even got a few that I’ve hand written to be typed in later. But all in all these are my thoughts at the time I post them. (I do my damnedest to keep the posting date/time when the entry was created.) Like anyone I go through moods, and sometimes when I get angry it gets pushed and slathered on here.

But this is a new and tricky thing for me, and I don’t often write these towards other people (there are a few exceptions, but they’re obvious) So I may ignite something. If its inflammatory I’ll usually leave that person’s name out, unless it would otherwise be public.

Okay. So I’ve spent the last few paragraphs explaining what this thing is.

But I’ve been tearing someone up, and that isn’t right. I would never say these things to the person’s face, although I would say them to a friend while I was processing my thoughts.

So to that person, I am sorry, I am hurting deeply, and I’m just lashing out into my journal. I only want the best for you; I mean that with all sincerity, but I also have to do what is best for me, and dwelling on my emotions is not good. I need to get them out, so this is one of many ways in which I do it. Do I want to be friends with you? Yes. I really do, but I need help, and I’ve felt like I’ve been cast aside to figure out how to do this myself, and I can’t do it on my own. I have no idea where to start.

This as public as I want to be with this. IM, email or call me. Please.

A BTW: Sean mentioned in the Chasing Amy entry, is a Wright State computer science friend of mine.