Nine months isn’t enough
Okay I’m gitty — Maybe its the dang cats walking me up thus I have a lack of sleep… This is a trial run for kids.
Oh the cats are girls, albeit I think they’re lesbians, well I can dream can’t I? (Wait, that’s a straight man’s fantasy! Dang those heterosexuals are infecting me, they’re gonna turn me straight!)
Okay, seriously, I’ve been debating exploring my identity trying to figure out who I am — well not as much who I am, but who I want to be.
I’m stuck on something I said my freshman year of college (okay I’m narcissistic, what do you want?) I was at the college’s GLBT group, we were having a discussion and somehow we started discussing why Madonna was so attractive to the GLBT community. I hacked a documentary, and said something like “Maybe why Madonna is so admired by the gay community is that she is constantly reinventing her identity and coming out is rediscovering your identity.” Okay I didn’t think it was profound at the time and I am still a bit shocked by that people found it profound, but oh well.
I’ve been pondering who I should be? (I guess its a different version of “What should I do with my life?”) I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on who I am, (Well as well as anyone.) but I’m trying to think about who I should be.
There is visual appearance, which at the moment is pliable. I’ve got turquoise hair at the moment. (Turquoise is a blue, but I’ll be specific to appease anal retentive Spanish S2S CA’s who’ve recently had dental work…. Those who don’t understand, don’t ask.)
I’ve got a new hair idea already in mind so I’m just going to play with it from here. I have to research the Cheshire cat though. (dang theatre habits)
But, back to the point… I want to be someone who is an intellectual in an intellectual community, works to build a community and isn’t dicked over (re: Lambda) in doing it, and I’m able to do some good around me.
More of that is not who I want to be but who I want to be around to do what I want to do. I enjoy non-profit/student organization work, but I don’t want to feel like I’m fighting a battle in the org to get things done then a battle in the community.
(Perhaps I shouldn’t use the battle metaphor in thinking about this but it does seem correct.)
I want to be with people who will dream the status quo should never be good enough.
Is it really to much to ask that I be able to dream (practically) and want to see those fulfilled, or at least attempted?
In thinking about everything in the past five months dreaming is a constant thread.
[I stopped writing at this point and wrote the previous entry.]
I attempted to kill myself because dreaming had become painful.
I believe thats why I attempted suicide was because my core was attacked. My core is dreaming. My interest in so many things come out of my ability to dream. (Philosophy is the conundrum here, but it seems as if it is a tool toward the dream of understanding and having a meaningful life.)
I’m so utterly scared of ending up in the same spot I found myself on January 31st 03. No scared is too pussyfooted a word. I am terrified (that word has lost meaning since 91101) of repeating this path. Its a struggle of not being too terrified that I’m paralyzed but I’m worried about misstepping.
January 31st is the day I set fire to my old self and burned the forest of my life to the bare minimum. I hopped back into the womb of low stress and simplicity to incubate again. January 31st is my day of being reconceived. I have a perceived birth date of Fall 2004, but that can be moved.
Its time to enjoy the womb, but I also need to think about what I’m going to do here, I don’t have DNA or a umbilical cord and mother’s hormones to guide me.
I’ve got me to depend on.