Archive for April, 2003

17 years. I just heard that this guy has been in love and single for 17 years. I know I’m being hard on myself expecting to get over S in two and a half months, but thats only on a one month long relationship.

I wonder if I tried to kill myself because of S.. It defiantly was a dream that I had that wasn’t fulfilled, but its not exclusive to S, he just happened to fit, and fit well.

I just don’t want to be alone right now and not in that obvious sense. I don’t want to be lacking an intimate relationship.

My most intimate relationship with Jenni feels less intimate all the time. She’s a good friend and always will be. She or I or both of us have just grown out of that spot we once held for each other. I don’t fault her or me, it just happened. she is the only person that I know of right now that I’d pre-meditatively kill someone else to protect her. Sure, there’s lots of people who I’d jump in front of a bus to push out of the way or shoot a man pointing a gun at them, but I would kill to protect her even given lots of time to think about it and knowledge that I’d end up in jail afterwards.

I expect so much of myself. I cannot let myself off the hook in so many ways.

I’m drained of words plus I’ve got to eat. There is more to say on this though.

I swung by the WSU computer lab right after work to clean out my Novell space before they deleted it all. (and yes, this is after work for me) And I checked my email like I must do when I sit down at an Internet connected computer, and I had another idiot from a different IP in a different foreign country, dropped another nasty comment…

Sigh, I’m debating if I should contact these ISP’s and file an abuse complaint, or just let it slide. Somehow letting it slide just seems like letting people get away with it, although I pretty much know the ISP’s will not do anything… but I can try.

I’m about to post a few eJournal entries I’ve written over the past week. I’ve held back on posting them because I’m not sure they should be out there. But I feel its important to share them because other people have tried to kill themselves or are thinking about it. I feel it is important for others who are in that situation there is life after attempted suicide. You might have to make huge changes but you can do it.

You know your a philosophy geek when your running around getting things together to go to work and you scream “Where’s my Epictetus!” (Yes, true story)

I was looking for advice to give to one of my obsessive readers who “hates” me. Mind you at this point its been about two and a half months since I’ve seen him on a regular basis. (Although for some reason I do write eJournal entries for him, guess its like an open letter.) So he’s causing himself stress not me. Guess he’s like the donkey who just likes to complain and moan.

But to the Epictetus!

“…when someone irritates you be aware that what irritates you is your own belief most importantly therefore, try not to be carried away by appearance, since if you once gain time and delay you will control yourself more easily.” (#20 Handbook of Epictetus)

Sigh. Why does this person cause me to write about him? He doesn’t stress me anymore, in fact usually I get a good laugh out of him. I dunno why. Perhaps though its that he’s so uptight that his colon is twisting around in and upon itself (Gimme a break I’m having metaphoritis, they’re all infected and crappy right now. Hmmmm maybe a simile?) He is as uptight as a person with an impacted bowel. (for the medical terminology impaired thats a backup of shit, and to take care of this they put you under and the doctor takes forceps and pulls the shit out… Fun eh? No I’ve never had constipation that bad.)

But the moral of my ramble once again is that life is what you make it, either yell and scream about someone who doesn’t affect you or let it go and obtain inner peace (or just become a Buddhist which includes this advice and more.)

Well that your philosophy lesson for today, stay tuned here for more engaging diatribes!

I made a mistake. I put myself on a self imposed moratorium on dating, and forgot to set some time to end it.

I don’t know if now is the time. It would be nice to date, but I’m not sure if I want to fool with it.

Kathy at work has a friend shes going to hook me up with. I made the mistake of asking her (in sloppy confused sign language none the less) to find me a boyfriend. I guess since work has kicked me off of six day weeks, I’ve got time to date, in comparison to my crazy 48-60 hour work weeks I’ve been doing. I talked with David, online and he said "take it VERY easy." I’m just not sure if I know how to do that. Jimmity crickets.. I think I need to take DAT097 remedial dating.. I think they should offer that in school… hmmm what would DAT399 be then? How to navigate the confusing waters of polygamy?

There is an amazing amount of lunacy with this Iraq war brouhaha.

First off. I have friends over there, and I’m of draft age. Its not something thats impersonal and completely removed from myself.

Second, Where the fuck are the Weapons of Mass Destruction? At the moment there are no confirmed stores of them, and only one or two possibilities. Given the way the Bush administration made this out to be the country was brimming with Weapons of Mass Destruction, we’re something like a month into this and we still haven’t found a confirmed store of WMD’s. Bush killed over 100 Americans and many more Iraqi’s for what?

Thirdly, I’m not even going to be happy till Bush, Rumsfeld, and Wolfwitz are out of office and sitting securely in a jail somewhere, charged with something, perhaps lying to the American people or manslaughter? I used to secretly hope that someone would have the common sense and absence of a desire for self-preservation and assassinate the whole lot. Now, I’m not convinced that this would be an appropriate punishment for them. Given that I happen to believe that once your dead, your dead, there would be no misery for them or anything. If their the christian version of heaven and hell are correct I would be happy with an assassination, because I’d be assured they would go to hell.

I wonder if the Secret Service releases the number of death threats received against the President? I wonder if they’ve gone up any since Bush has been in office. It would be an interesting figure.

Well onto programming this SpamFolderManager. Not sure if thats the right name for the program, but its a descent working name. If anyone has a better suggestion drop me an email.

What is it about guys with shaved legs being so hot? I’m sitting at Starbucks and there’s this guy with shaved legs. Now he’s hot, but he’s so much hotter because he has shaved legs… I just get a thrill out of it..

Geeze.. its bad but half of the reason I come to Starbucks in the evening is to look at the hot boi’s.

Okay back to shaved legs. I know that shaved body parts feel vulnerable, interesting and feminine to a point. Although I know straight guys who shave their legs. (mostly for athletic competitions)

Of course the large question is why do people find sexy what they find sexy. I doubt all of it is marketing, because they have to play what people already naturally find sexy… Sigh.. this is too big a subject for me at the moment, and I’m still procrastinating on programming… okay.. now to programming….

I’ve decided I can’t make the finances meet anymore. So…. in the next week or two I’m going to move in with my dad. Not the best solution but I need to save money and I know that will be cheaper rent.