Giving Away the Bride. Finding the Groom?
I just ran through a very vivid scenario with a mythical boyfriend in my head. He was complaining about my clothing style or lack thereof. It was short and ended with my hugging him closely and saying something to the effect “Ohhhh hunny you know I…..”
I don’t know whats interesting to say or elaboration several things come to my mind. but the most prominent are:
- That embrace is a really deep sharing of personal space. I want to let someone in; in so many ways. (pun intended) I want to be with someone who understands me and takes a shared interest in my life and I can take a shared interest in his life.
- Jenni comes so close to filling this but in the same instant it is so far.
- I remember a discussion with her where I was thinking through what used to tie me to Dayton. One of them was her. I no longer feel a need to be there and protect her as she has protected me.
Its strange. When I think of Jenni and I’m describing her to a counselor for the first time, I always use the phrase “She’s the reason I’m still here.” I did and I still do believe that. I cannot see getting through my pre-teens through early 20s without her. I have no way to possibly reconstruct the story of those years without her.
Its oddly comforting and disturbing when I’ve told her this, its no big deal, as if any friend would do it for another.
If Jenni was a gay man we’d be happily in love, and we are to some extent, just not romantically in love. Our love is different and deep the kind that doesn’t’ need flowers, or an anniversary card, or any kitschy memento to signify.
But Jenni also isn’t what I on the surface look for; Shes not a skinny twinky, her house admittedly is always under cleaning, and she is an excellent procrastinator. Her educational ambitions are too scattered to codify down into a college program, and she hasn’t desired to pursue that.
She doesn’t fit in any box but her own; Even in motherhood she denies attempts to be boxed.
Perhaps its fitting I gave her away at her wedding, but maybe I need to stop standing at the altar and start looking for my own groom, for my own love.