Take this Robert Harling

I was reading The Advocate today, the June 24th issue. (Yea for advance magazine schedules.)

In the article about Billy Bean, an ex-pro baseball player, there’s a passage that caught my attention. “Remember the first time you heard the word ‘faggot’? Practically every gay man alive today grew up in a culture that equated gayness with weakness. In the past 30 years people like Bean have helped change that.” (Note its not in the online edition)

Its a glacial change, I think. I still see those attitudes and I came out in 1998/1999. (No I didn’t party like its 1999.)

But, I’m having trouble coming up with where this weakness idea came from. It takes scrotal balls of steel (or vaginal lips of steel for our lesbian brethren) to come out. Given the horror stories I’ve heard from friends who’ve come out its amazing anyone comes out at all.

Back to the quote. Who the fuck came up with this idea that gay men are weak? I mean the emotional and mental strength that gay men exhibit are extraordinary. While all their straight cohorts are exploring their sexuality and going after sex and strutting their sexuality, most gay teens are suppressing all their sexual urges and attempting to simulate a straight face. (and no not to play poker with)

Before I came out the me everyone saw was a mask, a facade that I put on for everyone else, only for brief periods was I actually me. Actors know acting is exhausting, but they choose to act, closeted gay people are forced to act as someone they’re not. Keeping this mental divide going is exhausting work, and takes away from what you’re supposed to be doing in high school, learning hanging out with friends, and finding yourself. How many straight kids have to pretend to be something else?

I was really involved in computers when I was younger. The thing about that is it was natural to ignore yourself. There is no way to program code gay or straight. But If I’m writing a romance story, I can’t be honest if I’m closeted, but I can be honest with computer code.

if you don’t believe its hare to act like someone you’re not take a month and pretend to that you’re gay. Do you feel scared to tell that guy he’s cute? Do you make the fag joke so people don’t suspect you? Do you lust over a guy, but are scared to ask him out because you don’t want your ass to be kicked? Oh and there’s no getting out of it when you have problems you can’t just say “Oh, I’m straight.” you might as well just shoot part of yourself. Only when you get home or are with a close friend do you get to take the mask off and be your straight self, and don’t forget to be scared that someone will find you out.

So no, I don’t think gay men are weak; They one up the Steel Magnolias, perhaps they’re Depleted Uranium Daises, hardened and solid inside, but fluffy and gay on the outside.