Shaken Amish Paradise

Okay, I just typed the entry “Amish Paradise.” I realized I didn’t finish my thoughts on some things. (Thats what I get for writing it with a friend over my shoulder, KEVIN!)

Its about Christy. I feel in some ways like my community I’ve managed to assemble at work has been ripped apart. I understand and respect her decision to leave, but I am really pining right now to find a community where I fit in. WSU isn’t it, I know that. CSD has been my good stop gap of a community for the time being, and Christy has been the person who makes that community for me.

Perhaps its just because she’s the one who’s closest in age to me. A majority of my coworkers are middle aged women. While I have a great track record of getting along with middle aged women, I really want to be around people of my age.. (Don’t ask, for some reason me and middle aged women get along, I’ve never figured it out.) Which really means I should be in grad school. Because the high schoolers who graduated a year after me are now seniors in college.

In some ways I feel like a failure, but I’ve often made a point of succeeding on my own merits and on my own terms. To me it doesn’t matter if someone else thinks I’ve succeeded, it matters if I think I’ve succeeded. (Whether this raises or lowers my “success” rate is unknown. I gander its a dynamic equilibrium. I have the same amount of successes, just different ones in my mind than in other minds.)

Hell, thats ironic, I’m going on about my need and like for community and then in one stroke, I say “fuck whatever anyone else thinks is success.” I think I need people around to be able to feel that I’m different. I take pride in being different, thinking for myself, being a gadfly, stirring up the pot every once in a while. Thats impossible to do without anyone else around.

Perhaps some of the reason I miss Christy is that I’m pining for a good conversationalist to have philosophical discussions. I’ve honestly considered dumping some of my high horses and going back to WSU to take a single philosophy class. I so desperately want to be able to have an intelligent thought provoking conversation with someone with all the stuff I’m reading, but I don’t want to have to put up with all the pedantic rote classes that someone says I need to take, although I’m not going to retain any substantial information, and if I need to know it I’ll be able to read up.

I know I need to get grounded in a University sooner than later, but I’m wanting to lay my foundation where its not going to be out of place with the others around it.