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Budged Promise

by Nicholas Barnard on December 20th, 2003

Oh hell, I’ve been thinking all night I’m going to start it this way all night, and now I set down to write it, and I want to change the beginning. So here we go. Movies, TV Shows, and theatre that have made me cry:

  • ER – The episode where Carrie left Chicago, and Mark was to scared to say that he loved her, and did just as she was leaving

  • Titanic (only the first viewing)

  • Wit – At the Human Race, I lost my grandmother later that year to cancer.

  • Avenue Q – The song, “For Now”.

They’ve been scattered through time but the last one occurred last night, on my drive to work.

I don’t know why it hit me at that moment. I’ve heard the song before, whereas all the other times I cried on my first viewing.

There could be many interpretations of the song “For Now” but the message I get is, life moves on and sucks at times. Realize and deal with the now and look toward the future.

I don’t have a vision of where I want to be going. None whatsoever.

Somedays I wish I could’ve been like my dental hygienist, and just have known I always wanted to be a dental hygienist, life would’ve been so simple.

One of my friends from elementary school is now an investment banker on Wall Street, my mom got a letter from his mom.

I get all these people telling me “you can’t stay here at relay you have too much promise.”

I don’t want to stay at relay, I just don’t know where to go. I gotta do something, what I have no idea.

I’ve got all these ideas of things I could do. I could go after the writing thing either full time or just on a part time basis. I could go back to school and get a practical degree in counseling. I could go work in non profits or an educational setting. I could go to school get a degree in philosophy and pursue the writing thing. I could do none of them and dedicate myself to producing excellently relayed telephone calls.

Theres this sign at the ITT Tech school that I drive past all the time. A few weeks ago it said “Don’t expect a shove if you never budge.” I’ve been getting shoved, and I have no idea of where to budge towards. Or better yet, I’m dislodged, but I don’t know where to go now. I’m free floating again. I could go back and say I’m going to do something in theatre again.

I just don’t know.

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