Archive for February, 2004

I moved my kitties, Shaun and George, to my apartment yesterday.

If I had known the howling meows I’d be getting on the drive from my dad’s house to my apartment I wouldn’t've done it. One of them was so scared he pissed all over himself, talk about indignities.

They’re really mellow. I can’t help but feeling that I broke up their little family that they’d been part of for the past eight and a half months. I get to see my family frequently, sometimes more than I’d like, but my cats likely are not going to be seeing any of the other cats, Fluffy, Squeaky, or Sphinx, anytime soon, if ever again. I didn’t and couldn’t give them notice.

To top it off this apartment is significantly smaller than my dad’s house and they can’t really go outside and play like they used to. In short its a sucky place to be a kitty.

I tell myself I had no choice, that the kitty family was going to be broken up none the less, but that really doesn’t make me feel much better.. I just want them to be happy thats all…

I found out that I’m now three degrees removed from Shawn Walker. (Specifically my boyfriend Eric is friends with Shawn’s boyfriend Jason.)

The can of worms from last year that I’ve slowly put back into their can came flying back out (with a little less force than last time.)

Shawn is a really cool person despite the fact that I was hurt, mostly by myself, by my last interactions with him. I’d like a second chance to be friends with him, but that isn’t wholly my choice.

The future will happen as it will happen. I cannot control it. Life and the connections we make are fragile, transient, and malleable.

Opportunities are in the future. I just have to keep my eyes open and try not to expect that I’m entitled to anything.

Its funny, I’ve had so many thoughts recently where I’ve said “I need to take some time and write on that.” Now that I’ve sat down and given myself time to write I am well, wordless. Maybe its more that I don’t know which to take first.

Okay the largest theme has been thinking how I fit into society, and the efforts I do and don’t make to fit in, and why I do or don’t make those efforts.

This all got started Friday with the seemingly most insignificant of conversations. Eric brought up one of my characteristics that frustrated him, specifically I talk with food in my mouth. (Mind you this is food in my mouth, not food that is in my mouth and is jumping out of it.) My argument is this is who I am and does not cause anyone else harm.

Other people around me feel uncomfortable being around me when I’m talking with food in my mouth. But they feel uncomfortable I do not make them uncomfortable, they are the ones who are uncomfortable.

A parallel example is in order. There is a tradition of kissing your loved one before they go on a trip, be it an airplane, train, bus, or car trip. While this happens in several different places it often happens at the transportation transition station. (read bus stop, airport, train station, etc..) Its an accepted norm that there will be some light PDA (LPDA) at these locations. Now I have kissed another guy at an airport (the Dayton Airport to be exact.) If someone said this made them uncomfortable I would tell them to fuck off (as politely as possible) because they are the ones who are uncomfortable, not me and my boyfriend. If they are uncomfortable with my boyfriend and I being who we are it is their discomfort not mine.

I can of course choose to censor my behavior. If there was some benefit to this, (say avoiding gay bashing) I would change my behavior. But I’m pretty comfortable with the fact that I won’t be gay bashed at an airport.

but back to talking with food in my mouth. At this point in my life it is who I am. I can of course choose to change this behavior, but I believe that the benefits do not outweigh the costs. If those who are uncomfortable are so bothered by it perhaps they should choose and try not to be uncomfortable.

A quick word. This is a response to a real conversation with Eric, not to lambaste him or his friends in public, but just to spit out my thoughts about it. As always the comment feature exists for people who disagree with me, or care to add something.

All these thoughts about norms has led me to thinking about manners, some of which are social norms.

I’ve been thinking about them in specific relation to driving. I consider a majority of driver’s to be rude and inconsiderate pricks. (Note: this is in relation to their driving habits, not their whole person.) I have a laundry list of ways people could drive more courteously (which I won’t bore you with here.) I believe if these were implement by everyone driving would be less stressful, smoother and faster.

Given the fact that i am not king, and cannot imposed the death penalty for being a prick while driving, I live with and have worked at ways to keep my stress level low while driving.

The point is, I’ve chosen not to be stressed.

What differentiates driving manners from eating manners is that they have tangible benefits for others, whereas eating manners are solely about showing that I’m cultured in some manner. note, this doesn’t mean that I’m cultured, only that I know how to show it. It is possible for me to place a false facade to appear cultured or uncultured.

(An aside, think of Titanic where Jack places a facade to appear cultured at a dinner with Rose. Note all of the extraneous formalities that sever little purpose other than to say “I’m cultured”)

But the crux of it is, I’m not going to put some show just so people think I’m someone I’m not. If little bullshit things like that are going to drive them away, it is to both our benefits.

There is no Norms 3.

I’ve been debating what profession I should go into.

Wait, let me rephrase that, I’ve been debating what I should do with my life.

I ‘m more and more sure I don’t want to get stuck in a business office. Not that I’m allergic to the matter, but well its really the facades that we put up that I’m allergic to.

I make a descent amount of phone calls with my current job to other businesses. There is this formality we have of saying “How are you?” Its honestly about as formulaic as answering the phone “Hello.” Its partially a BS facade that we put up just to seem pleasant.

It would be better if we were pleasant, which I do my best to do. But, I’d rather be in an environment without the facades.

I’m awake at four in the morning or so. I just finished watching X2: X-Men United… While I’ve got thoughts on that those will have to wait till later.

I’m supposed to be up for work in two hours but well given that I’m not yet asleep and I had a few hour nap today I’m giving myself some slack. (well a lot of slack)

I’m unable to finesse this in anyway so here’s a list:

1. I’m feeling lost and slightly drifting
2. I’ve been at these "I don’t know whats in my future" moments far too often recently
3. I need to break up with Eric
4. Although my cats are very good at cuddling they’re no substitute for a boyfriend
5. Its strange to keep seeing the same people on Yahoo Personals again and again.
6. Every list needs six items.

I have a strange habit of reading everything. I’m the guy who reads the credit card agreement, the insurance statement, the back of the milk carton, the front of the milk carton, the cereal box next to the milk carton, the junk mail under the cereal box next to the milk carton, etc..

I found a little gem in my State Farm renter’s policy. One of the losses that is covered are losses caused by “Aircraft, including self-propelled missiles and spacecraft.” I’m happy that I’m covered in case the Space Shuttle or a Soyuz capsule careens into my apartment.

What bothers me is the self-propelled missile part. I know there are such things, but later in the policy there is a standard exclusion for “War, including any undeclared war, civil war, insurrection, rebellion, revolution, warlike act by a military force or military personnel, destruction or seizure or use for a military purpose, and including any consequence of any of these. Discharge of a nuclear weapon shall be deemed a warlike act even if accidental.” Okay so logically reasoning through these two clauses we can come up with the fact that there are non-military self-propelled missiles? Who has these? Hopefully not Walmart or some other evil corporation. (Okay I know their CEO’s are Dr. Evils in training, but still.) So who has the self-propelled missiles??? Please will someone tell me? Now note its not a satellite launching rocket, as that isn’t a missile.

Okay so maybe I’m a bit paranoid, but I want to know who has the missiles, but is not the military? Next thing you know the kid down the street is going to be playing with AK-47s, and there are rocket launchers next to the door bell buttons to repel the door to door salesmen that are coming now that the do not call list is in effect. Now that’ll be the day. But I at least I’m insured against the self-propelled missiles.

I’m in a strangely pensive mood. I’m distant from everything really. I’m physically distant from my family in friends in Dayton. I’m distancing myself slowly from my coworkers at Chiquita. Eric and I instead of transitioning from friends, to boyfriends as announced, we’ve transitioned from friends, into declared but not really boyfriends, to coworkers. I feel disconnected from Cincinnati, not having been here long enough to really feel connected.

To top it off I’m not sure where I’m going at the moment. I have no long term plan, no spots I want to be at in five years.

I’ve been thinking about January 2003, the last time there was a five year plan and I decided that the five year plan wouldn’t work. I just read Relationship Thoughts… in Shawn’s blog.

I’m ready to respond to it now. (Probably again, since I’m sure I did respond to it in 2003.)

Shawn,
I agree with you. Building a real relationship that will last cannot happen over hours, days, or weeks. There can be the illusion of a real compatible relationship when a commitment is made to someone without knowing them.

Now my question. How can you temper the commitment without the other person thinking they’re being blown off? I dated someone once and I asked him at one point “How are we doing?” He told me that we hadn’t spent much time together, whereas I felt the exact opposite. How do you balance wanting to take it slow without pushing the other person away?

Nick

Will someone please explain to me what the hell is wrong with my feline? He’s gotten into this habit of finding ledges that overlook the 2.5 story drop down to the ground from my apartment, sitting on them and just well being there. It scares the shit out of me. I know falling scares the shit out of him because I have held him hanging over the precipice to make sure he knows how dang far up he is. I only want to scare him because I don’t want him to be hanging out in spots where he can fall. A gust of wind or something similar would do him in. I don’t want that to happen.