I’m fucking pissed at myself.

I’m fucking pissed at myself.

I’m on the bus on my way home. Class got out early and I waited at the bus stop for about 10 minutes. Its one of those mellow cool nights, windless, not too cold that I need a coat, not to warm that I feel warm. So I relished the limbo.

Within limbo I delivered a monologue which I will hold unshared with me, my own selfish gift and albatross.

I’m frustrated when I walk the halls and walkways of NKU I’m constantly on the look out for W (Screw it, anyone who would research this, or knows me, knows I’m talking about Shawn.) I’m fucking pissed at myself for this behavior. Its horribly unproductive if not self destructive.

I don’t know what Shawn represents to me. In some ways, my nearly eyeblink relationship with him functions as a demarcation point. In some ways I can ascribe a Before Shawn Era and an After Shawn Era. Its not that he actually caused anything directly its just during the same few months, I had the intestines along with the shit beaten out of me, in more than one way. Our interactions just have the clearest hurt, and therefore allow me to ultimately tag so many unrelated disappointments onto them.

I’m fucking pissed at myself that I don’t have a vision of where I’m going – the possibilities are there – a “grand” career moving fruit, a producer of short money losing movies, the group member that gets the class moving, someone who gets other people’s visions done.

I have to accept this — I facilitate. I can get the job of getting people all accomplishing someone else’s vision done.

I’m absolutely denying reality if I think I can get my own visions done. Hell, I get a hair cut three weeks late, do laundry when I’m wearing clothes for the fourth time, and wash the dishes only after the stench is noticeable. This website hasn’t been upgraded despite the vision and the plan to do it – of course its my vision – not someone else’s.

Okay, I know I’m exhausted. I’m on about five hours of sleep and I’ve had a rough day at work, followed by a class with a professor I disagree with more and more.

But, in many ways I know I’m more honest with myself when I no longer have the energy to maintain my facades for my own benefit.

In case you missed it:

I’m fucking pissed at myself.