Echos of the Past
Its been one of those odd nights.
There are a bunch of decisions I made back during 2002 and 2003 that I still think are good ones, but they haunt me because I wish other people also would adopt them. These aren’t small yes or no decisions, but broad decisions about how I want to live my life.
The one that is particularly haunting me is that I decided to very firmly believe that I am the only person who controls my emotions and attitudes. This is not to say that I’m not influenced by others. For example, when someone pisses me off, I of course credit them for instigating the state of being pissed off, but I also recognize that I have allowed myself to be pissed off by their actions. The emotion is mine and mine alone. Attached to this is that I do my damnedest to keep a balance equilibrium. Meaning that I might’ve had a day where I was pushed and battered by all sorts of instigators during the day, but for the most part I kept my cool, and by the end of the day I’m back to my equilibrium.
Similarly when I make a stupid decision I make a point to own that decision and the consequences of it.
My problem is that one of my friends that I hang out with a bunch doesn’t subscribe to the balanced equilibrium theory. His moods last for weeks, during which he’s not fun or even interesting to be around. I’m at the point where I’m just not going to spend any time with him, it just isn’t worth my time. I understand the concept of being there to support someone, but it doesn’t feel like I’m even doing that.
Adding fuel to my current confusion is that I’ve had someone who has re-entered my life from my seminal 2002 and 2003 period. The ironic thing is that during the time I was with him I exhibited the antithesis of being in control of my emotions and attitudes.
Topping all this off, I’ve been struggling with wanting to add something onto my plate. I feel a wee-bit unfulfilled. I’m missing some combination of musical vocal performance, theatrical work, or community service. All those activities have at one time or another played a huge role in my life and I found them incredibly rewarding. Although now they play virtually no role in my life.
The problem here is that I am already busy, and I’ve been burnt on all three of them at one time or another. Unsurprisingly mostly of the roasting occurred during the 2002 and 2003 period.
My echoes are finding me. Time, decisions and emotions ripple through my fabric, disorienting me, forcing me to choose what I want to hold onto.