Archive for July, 2005
The neutral first: I’ve reworked the CSS and a few graphics for my website. I find it really interesting to see where it has been: The Earliest surviving incarnation, known as the list and scribble period, The Black and Grey, I’m over utilizing an MT CSS sheet period, The Black and Blue, the MT CSS sheet, in blue, and The Dark Blue and Black, without any MT CSS influences. Now we’re at Black, Light Blue and Orange. Should be fun.
The good second: I’ve accepted a promotion at work. It promises to be an interesting time at work, and I know lots of changes are coming down the pipe.
The bad third: The other internal candidate, a friend and co-worker, who applied for the position I accepted is being let go.
This is one of those intellectual emotional disconnects for me. On an intellectual level I understand the strategy that necessitated letting my friend go. On the emotional level I’m angered, annoyed, and frustrated via proxy. My friend executed his position well he just didn’t quite have the polish, nor the political savvy.
There is a part of me that feels a bit guilty for being the one with the position, I’ve been with the company about half the time that my friend has, but I’m the one going full time. The other part of me knows that I took the application and interviewing process much more seriously than my friend.
There are a whole bunch of similarities in this situation to the situations I went through in January 2003. I played a different set of parts in that melodrama than I do now, but the feelings are similar. I feel a bit guilty, hurt by proxy, and frustrated with “the system”.
I know things will turn out well for my friend. The crap that I went through in January 2003 put me on the course I’m on now. In hindsight, January 2003 was the beginning of a period that forced me to grow; But that period really really sucked while I was in it, but it is really important and helpful for me now. Since then, I’ve taken a huge number of risks and for the most part they’ve paid off. But, I had to be shooed out of the nest to begin with.
I’m angry at people killing each other to make a point.
I’m angry at governments killing people to make a point.
I’m angry at people allowing themselves to be intimidated and bated into terrorism.
I’m angry at politicians who are too scared to stand on principle.
I’m angry at citizens who would rather live in the safety of a virtual prison than in the freedom of a city street.
I’m angry at myself because I am too demoralized to fight for my angers.
What does a 24 year old white gay man have with in common with a 50 year old black woman?
Every time I listen to this essay I’m brought to tears. Not bawling morning tears, but tears of camaraderie and recognition.
Phyllis moves through the history of African-American (or Black, or Negro, or brown) identity politics. Then comes to the conclusion “I believe that I’m free to be whoever I choose to be.”
I’m at a loss for why this is dramatic for me, but I’ve come to despise the identity politics of being gay, but at the same time I practice them.
I want to be 15 years down the road (or in Canada now) where no one thinks too much about my identity beyond “Nick” (or “Mr. Barnard” or “Dad”).