Archive for 2005

First off, Kudos to Marshall.

I’ve been rethinking Origin Ruminations 2.

I’m convinced now that it is crap.

I’m not going to pull back from Origin Ruminations. While Two is about positing why a First cause exists, One is about just finding somewhere to place the world upon.

How’d I get here? I read my philosophy professor’s paper arguing for a first cause. I began to realize that the people who will argue for a First cause, often honestly don’t give a rats ass about developing a secular framework on which to rest the the world, but instead are taking the backdoor to proving a god.

I’ve been redebating some of these ideas. My understanding of the Buddhist tradition is that there is no need for such constructs. To quote Marshal: “universe a single, unified, conscious, eternal, super-material entity.”

But the other question is can reality be a loop? This would remove the need for a first cause and remove the need to speculate that the universe is infinitely existing and somehow attempt to justify that. I’ven’t thought more on how this would work, but it definitely is an idea that I’ven’t seen explored, but I might delve into it more.

I’m always disturbed how my synapses work.

Specifically there are songs, locations, and things that can instantly remind me of painful fustrating annoying memories.

I’d like to be able to enjoy these

I’m surprised that in some way I’m sorry Pope John Paul II died. I’m not catholic, the closest I’ve ever got to there was that I was raised in a protestant church. For those of you who just said same difference, they’re not the same. Comparing a catholic and a protestant is like comparing a New Yorker and a Midwesterner. They both look up (or down as the case may be.) to the same government, media, etc. But really its a miracle Kansas and New York City are in the same country, let alone the same continent.

But one of the senses of loss is from knowing that we’ve lost a man who understood the nuances and downsides to both communism and capitalism. John Paul is credited with assisting with the downfall of communism. But, he also preached against excessive materialism.

I bought an iPod mini two Sundays ago. I felt, and to a lesser extent feel guilty for buying it. Why? Its not something I can justify as a necessity. Its a thing, a good, a slip into the trap of materialism.

I wonder if those who own huge mansions.. err houses are in general happy? (From a statistics standpoint they’re no happier than the next man.) See the thing is I’ve been there. I used to live in a $200,000 house (in the midwest) and quite frankly as a whole we were miserable.

I often wonder what people who make $43,000, $60,000 or $100,000 or $200,000 a year do with all that money? Its one thing if you’re raising kids and saving for retirement. But I’m convinced that I would do fine making $30-35k. I’m making about $25,000 a year and with the exception of some hefty debt payments (left over from when I spent more than I earned.) I’m really doing quite well.

What I worry about is that materialism leads to a sense of entitlement, i.e. “I earned the money to buy it, so its my right to buy it.” Related to this is “My job is worth this much to the company so I’m entitled to make at least that much.” This whole line of reasoning denies the interdependence that we all share. Its nearly impossible today to be purely independent. Every profession relies upon other professions and each of us is ultimately dependent on one and other. Additionally by being purely money driven you deny other benefits not to mention that a job well done should be its own reward.

Back to the Pope. I’d love to believe that perfect communism would work. Unfortunately communism fails to account for the varied intents of people. Capitalism leads to materialism and ultimately greed. (e.g. Worldcom, Enron — Both of these companies could have been perfectly ethical, profitable ventures, instead unchecked greed led to massive fraud and ultimately collapse.)

What does this mean for an individual? Simple, there are more things to the word than money and greed (while it sometimes can be a positive motivator) ultimately greed has costs that outweigh any money that you could earn.

Now time to go home and practice some discardia

I’ve been vamping lately. Getting the things that need to be done, done. My bike and car are both fixed. My dishes are (mostly) clean. I finally made that Banana Bread.

I’m a bit annoyed by where the Catholic Church has gone. To quote a co-worker, “Why does everything have to be so fucking conservative?” I read (among other articles) two at the New York Times, on Pope Benedict XVI. One right after his papacy was announced, and another looking at his history.

I can tell you right off he’s not a fan of Nietzsche. This has kept me pondering why its such a necessary condition that people believe in something, or anything? I see metaphysics/epistemology as a way to agree on givens to structure a view of the world upon. They in and of themselves don’t matter, they’re just a methodology to ensure that Philosophy is somehow logically sound. I need to read more Buddhism, but I’m going to start with Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintence. Not quite Buddism, but I’m told its a good read, perhaps it will allow me to reinforce that moral relativism that every damn conservative is so worried about.

I vacuumed today.

I’m looking at the canister from my bagless vacuum and I’m disturbed its half full. I mean its got this really nice layered look that reminds me of those expensive sand and oil things that people get to “meditate.”

Its just a bit frustrating that I’ve waited long enough to get a half full canister. I don’t have a big apartment so there has been a bunch of dust collecting at the bottom….

Next up, Tales from The Toilet: The Deep Adventure!

Its been one of those odd nights.

There are a bunch of decisions I made back during 2002 and 2003 that I still think are good ones, but they haunt me because I wish other people also would adopt them. These aren’t small yes or no decisions, but broad decisions about how I want to live my life.

The one that is particularly haunting me is that I decided to very firmly believe that I am the only person who controls my emotions and attitudes. This is not to say that I’m not influenced by others. For example, when someone pisses me off, I of course credit them for instigating the state of being pissed off, but I also recognize that I have allowed myself to be pissed off by their actions. The emotion is mine and mine alone. Attached to this is that I do my damnedest to keep a balance equilibrium. Meaning that I might’ve had a day where I was pushed and battered by all sorts of instigators during the day, but for the most part I kept my cool, and by the end of the day I’m back to my equilibrium.

Similarly when I make a stupid decision I make a point to own that decision and the consequences of it.

My problem is that one of my friends that I hang out with a bunch doesn’t subscribe to the balanced equilibrium theory. His moods last for weeks, during which he’s not fun or even interesting to be around. I’m at the point where I’m just not going to spend any time with him, it just isn’t worth my time. I understand the concept of being there to support someone, but it doesn’t feel like I’m even doing that.

Adding fuel to my current confusion is that I’ve had someone who has re-entered my life from my seminal 2002 and 2003 period. The ironic thing is that during the time I was with him I exhibited the antithesis of being in control of my emotions and attitudes.

Topping all this off, I’ve been struggling with wanting to add something onto my plate. I feel a wee-bit unfulfilled. I’m missing some combination of musical vocal performance, theatrical work, or community service. All those activities have at one time or another played a huge role in my life and I found them incredibly rewarding. Although now they play virtually no role in my life.

The problem here is that I am already busy, and I’ve been burnt on all three of them at one time or another. Unsurprisingly mostly of the roasting occurred during the 2002 and 2003 period.

My echoes are finding me. Time, decisions and emotions ripple through my fabric, disorienting me, forcing me to choose what I want to hold onto.

I’m amazed at my unique ability to induce food poising upon myself.

So I screwed up, and posted what was supposed to go to the Interesting Websites section and posted it here. (Both are MovableType blogs)

Marshall was quicker than me and commented on it before I caught my mistake. Applicable Interesting Websites entry is:

• Wheres the 757?
  – This has been hanging around my bookmarks for quite some time. If you look at the pictures its pretty hard to figure out where a 757 managed to hide itself in the Pentagon.. [May, 1 2005]

I’m actually a bit amazed at how pissed I am now. One of the cats took a swipe at the other, in the process injuring the other’s eye for long enough that cat with the injured eye nursed it for quite some time.

I “punished” the offender by immediately clipping his nails then (like my mother) forcing him to sit with me for longer than he’d like. When I was done with him I launched him into the bed. He jetted off into the kitchen or somewhere on that side of the house. I half expected him to hide from me for the rest of the night, and I would’ve been happy with that.

No, he wanders back in a little bit starts cuddling on my legs. I pick him up, examine the his claws (to see which cat it is, they’re twins) then dump him back on the floor.

While I was writing this he came back a second time — he’s really docile. I guess he figured he really screwed up and is asking for forgiveness or something. I’ve not yet dumped him — he is actually being really, really nice…

humph.. Gotta give it to him for manipulating me. He’s almost as good as Jenni….

I finished reading Wil Wheaton‘s book Just a Geek. One of the recurring themes of the book is parts of Wil struggling against other parts, trying to find a balance that fits. He also discusses at length his experience with auditions. (For the record I hated auditions when I was the director, far too much stress in being fair to the actor and getting the proper mix for the cast.)

But, reading about all of those auditions got me hankering again to do something in theatre. I have such an odd relationship with anything theatre. At one point in May 2002 or so I was literally within an hour of changing my major to anything but theatre, and I got a call from Horizon Theatre offering me an internship. Saved from quitting theatre once!

The next time went to quit theatre I not only quit it, but school (for a while) as well. This was preceded by a final production of an original script by another student in which the students I was directing mostly refused to learn their lines. I left the premier evening after the play I directed was performed butchered. I promptly decided at this point the appropriate thing to do was to find my way to the nearest restaurant bar order myself a three course meal and drink as much as possible. I added to my sense of failure by going to a restaurant I used to work at and ordering everything I wanted to eat exactly as the server needed to write it down/ring it in. I wanted out, and if I had to escape to the crappy days of serving tables I’d do it that way.

But anyone who has ever been bitten by the theatre bug knows its like drug resistant tuberculosis. You’ll get it and have a hard time getting rid of it, if you can get rid of it at all. So currently my theatre bug is flaming up. But more importantly I know I need to do something that engages me. Work fills my time and is challenging at times, but for the most part it is getting to the point of a well worn simulation game. For the most part I’ve figured out how to anticipate any problems, I’m still tinkering about, but I’m no longer trying to understand how the system works as a whole.

I’ve always thought I’d suck at touring theatre. What I love most about theatre and the other positions I’ve been in the opportunity to see how to get the mechanisms to run smoother an more efficiently. (Or as we call it in theatre, tech rehearsals) While when I was on a two month run at Horizon I significantly increased the efficiency how I did my job, you get to a point where there is a plateau and every additional ounce of efficiency is even harder and harder to obtain. With many endeavors, at this point the amount of time that adding efficiency takes to implement is outweighed by the actual time savings, outweighing any significant gains.

To top this all off I’m getting the singleitis bug. I’m at the point where my triangle of friends, too few to be a circle, in Cincinnati more or less bore me. I’ve had someone from my past sneak up on me, and while I enjoy chatting with him I don’t want to try to force him to be “the friend” who I spend all my time with.

I keep thinking about spending a day or two off from work, but I’m more and more convinced I’ll just use it sleeping, jacking-off, movie watching or some combination of the two.

So I’m stuck at what I should do… (although at the moment I’ll choose sleep.)