Those blinking things kept me going….

After class tonight, I had a really good conversation with my professor about my depression and getting me through this class.

First there are two types of people with depression, those who have an episode brought on by a death/breakup/etc, and those who suffer from it like any other long term disease. (e.g. Diabetes)

I’ve wanted to think I’m in the former, but really I’m in the latter.

One of the things I realized while talking to her is that one of the simple reasons I’ve been able to tell myself that I’m not depressed is I’m usually in a position where there are lots of stimuli that require reaction – I’m constantly being poked in the ass by others to get things done. (or I’m anticipating to prevent being poked in the ass.)

The problem is when I need to get things done and I’m not getting the stimuli. A perfect example was when I was a credit card collector, I did great when I was in the environment that I was constantly getting a call and having to react and work through the issue. When I got moved to a different department and I was the one to do the calling and the reaching out I got to the point where I couldn’t really function. I actually got to the point I stopped going to work.

Depressives can and do lie to ourselves and compensate by putting ourselves in situations where we can perform. We brace ourselves with the proper stimuli. An arm that has been in a cast and supported, falls limp once the cast is removed.