brain diarrhea
Why do I always want the guy I can’t have?
So I’ve got a crush on Anthony Rapp. Sigh, yeah he’s in a relationship for three years, in another city, and eight years older than me…. Oh yeah, he’s famous too. Yeah he even has a myspace page. So hows that for fueling that somehow he might be accessible? Hell I had the CEO of a Fortune 1000 company email me at 2:07 in the morning, so why not a broadway actor? Aren’t they sort of in the same league?
So, lets get a little less sky high, and a bit closer to ground level. So I’m also attracted to Brock… Yeah, last I checked he was dating and somehow unavailable. And yeah like he’d be interested in me..
I’ve got a crappy self image right now eh? I usually ask people not to kick me, because it’s likely that I’ve already kicked myself harder and meaner than they have. It makes it hard to get hurt, if you’ve already kicked the shit out of yourself, how is someone else going to do it?
It also means that I have to be careful to balance that out. I’ve never really been able to blot out negative self talk, but I’ve also not focused myself on doing that, I prefer just to balance it with positive self talk, or at least deconstructing my negative self criticisms, to take the sting out of them.
I’m still trying to figure out how to live alone. I mean not alone, but without any other humans in my house. Well I’m personifying the boys more and more, Its amazing the cuddling we’ll get in. It feels so valuable and good to be cuddling with them. (Which happens on average 4.242 seconds after I sit or lie down.) On the other side, I’m cuddling with cats, it somehow seems well pathetic, almost like I’m using them as a substitute for a boyfriend to cuddle with while I’m single.
Cuddling, I want to go to a cuddle party. I want to have physical intimacy without having sexual intimacy.
I think another part of what really annoys me about living alone, is I’m stuck in my head, and stuck alone to maintain the place. There is no help, no partnership no sharing. (I mean the boys partner by making sure I have something to clean up, last time I had a roommate like that I told him to get the hell out.)
There is this guy at Starbucks that I’m attracted to. I just have to find the cohnes to actually flirt with him. Hell its annoyingly ironic that I actually manage to flirt with girls without even really trying. Its sad, I’ve had my straight friends scold me for flirting with a girl, and I don’t even realize it. But when I want to flirt with someone, I’m a fucking witless scaredy cat. (no offense boys)
I skipped work yesterday, I just honestly did not feel like tackling the world, I did not want to deal with anything.
I went to work today. I actually felt well, annoyed for not coming in. I forget how supportive and family-like my department in Banana-land is. Sometimes I just wish we lived together.
I think another thing that’s bugging me about work which I just need to get over is that I feel threatened by the new hires (both the co-ops and the permanent hires). I enjoyed being the young hot-shot. It was fun. But, I’ve got to make the transition to being a consistent team member, I don’t always have to turn in something spectacular, in fact the things I think are spectacular, are often not seen as such by others, and the things that I think are mundane others think are spectacular. I still cannot get over the moment in an interview with my (former) supervisor where he had to ask the question “Name a time when you went above and beyond what was expected of you.” I was really unable to answer the question, whereas he had a cornucopia of answers to fill the question.
Ack, enough random meandering about… its time for bed.. g’night.