Archive for June, 2006
I’ve had two shitty days in a row.
I don’t know what or why I’m angry, but I just am. I want to break something. anything you name it I’ll break it, as long as it won’t cost me money…
I’m always confused if that special someone is out there..
Oh, I quit YADA today.. I’m just tired, and I don’t have anymore to give, and I don’t feel like anyone else in the group is willing to give, and pull their weight.
Whats this all about?
I’m just wondering how life could be different and full. Nothing seems to fill me, to give me purpose. I feel like I’m going through the motions.
I’ve not been doing too well in managing my depression.. that much should be evident by now. I really need to work out more often or something. I just can never seem to push myself to do it.
The romantic life has picked up somehow, but ultimately that doesn’t quite seem to improve anything.
I feel that I have purpose at work, but when it comes to other things, say school or home life, or personal life they all just feel empty…
I hate this feeling.
I had one of the oddest experiences this morning.
My landlady is having work done in the back yard, which is where I usually enter the building. Due to the construction I cannot leave that way, so last week my landlady gave me keys to her apartment and told me to walk through her apartment until the work is done.
Its been a bit weird walking through their apartment at all hours, but its become sort of normal. I just try to keep quiet and be respectful. If they’re around I just say hello, and continue on my way.
This morning I came downstairs and heard crying. As I walked through I saw my landlady sitting on the floor sobbing. I wasn’t sure what had happened.
Her sister had died of cancer.
After hearing this I needed to be there for her. I don’t think I provided anything substantial, an ear to listen, an offer for a glass of water, and a hug or two.
As selfish as it sounds it was helpful for me to be there for her, to fill a need, to share a small piece of raw human emotion. Being there has helped me feel, to remember what life is about.
I feel guilty that I’ve have gained something on someone else’s loss. But, I am thankful she allowed me to share the moment with her.
So at this juncture I must consider two things.
- Why I have difficulty brainstorming at a computer.
- Why I have a nasty habit of working till all hours of the day.
Item one. Not quite sure why exactly this one is, but I find if I need to brainstorm about anything, be it a story, procedures, a blog entry, what to write in a paper, or even computer code! It very possible my brainstorming difficulties come from the tools that I am using on the computer. For the most part I don’t usually use the computer with the artistic tools. I know when I get into Photoshop I can get into a creative zone, but even photoshop elicits certain analytical tendencies. When I’m working with art there I’m thinking of developing art in a procedural computer based manner. I’m not feeling the art. For me photoshop isn’t about creating art than it is about translating vision. The art is already done, it just needs to be codified. Photoshop is the final tool that I manipulate for it to fit my inner vision. But it is unlike a paintbrush is to a painter. I find the tool disconnects me from art, it doesn’t connect me to art.
Item two. Which is ironic that I’m considering writing this here while I’m still at work. I think part of stems from I have difficulty from either cutting myself off from the work world, or stopping what I’m working on then restarting it. When I program I program in long stretches often lasting over eight or nine hours. (Mind you I’ve never programmed for pay.) I just finished this reasonably sized project for work that involved writing a bunch of procedures. Its odd but one of the things I needed to do while writing the procedures was to give myself time to just let the procedure stew in my head. I spent some time tonight at a restaurant, staring at the television screen working through the procedures in my head and the different requirements and possibilities that could meet the requirements. If I had gotten a phone call during that time I would’ve been derailed.
My mother once said I was always thinking. I’m not quite sure that’s true. I think it would be more accurate to say when I had a nice chunk of time I stopped and used it to think deeply. When I need to think deeply I need to have a nice chunk of time set aside. Otherwise I might as well not even try.