Nick's Place

January 03, 2003

First Entry

okay the first blog entry -- and its not really a blog entry, I'm writing in text edit with plans to put it my blog tomorrow, when I set it up. In all honestly, i've been thinking of putting a blog up for quite a while, but reading Shawn's has kicked my ass into getting mine set up. He is so honest to the whole world in those, i feel as if I'm violating his privacy, and tipping the scales badly in my favor. I can read up on his history in his blog, but he has to trust me to tell him my history. But I have been up for too long at this point, I must get some sleep --

To Shawn's Mom

I wrote this after reading Dear Mom.

Dear Ms. Walker,
I know Shawn will always miss you.
I know it pains him that you will not see him move on and move into his life. But, I assure you that you have raised a fine young man, someone you can be secure in being proud of .
I am truly thankful for the kind, caring, and respectful man you have helped bring into my life. I promise to do my best, to care for him, and I know he will care for me, and look out for his happiness and best interests, even if that means sacrificing my own.
While, I will never get to meet you, your time and effort are truly appreciated.

Nick

January 04, 2003

Futile Philosophy

I woke this morning listing to This American Life.. The episode today was number 228, titled You Are So Beautiful ... To Me I listened to the first act, about a woman in love with her parrot, and then was wholly compelled to run downstairs and grab my paper journal. (sorry to all you net readers out there, somethings gotta be private!) I consumed several pages of writing, with no further end in sight regarding my debates of love. Sigh, sometimes even joy is incredibly complicated. Oh Well...

I've yet to talk to Jenni about Shawn for any length -- our schedules just haven't jived -- she always has a way of helping me rationalize my way out of any situation. (Come on, she provided some very convincing arguments that by spending $2000 or so between my laptop and my bike, I was somehow saving money.)

January 07, 2003

Monday and Tuesday Roundup

I'm sitting here on Shawn's feet (they're cold) He's working on his computer and I'm working on mine. We're not saying anything to each other and I'm still enjoying it... But time to back up. I picked him up from the airport last night, and I still felt that magic that is between us all night.

We went out to eat dinner at Hops. We walked into the restaurant about 18 minutes before they were scheduled to close, I felt a bit guilty but the waitress was very nice, and even recognized that we were on a date, and offered one check. For most people it doesn't seem that this would mean a big deal, but I really appreciated it -- its just someone being accepting and professionally sensitive.

Boy.. okay what else is there ineresting to say. I did something strange and painful to my back yesterday, still haven't figured it out -- probally because I slipped and fell on the way to class yesterday. Shawn made a point of taking care of my yesterday -- he is soo sweet. I honestly would've done what he did for me, but I don't expect it from other people in return -- I guess its just a continuing thread of me expecting more from myself than from others...

Lambda seems to be off to a reasonable start, nothing amazing yet.

Classes are going well, and besides that everything is fine.

January 08, 2003

I'm Getting What I've Wanted

okay this is my first voice memo eJournal entry uhhh so I dont know how long it can be ... but ... oh lets see tell myself I just got myself a smoothie my next ones free whoo hoo! ummm I don't I find myself in a weird spot with Shawn enjoying like everything about it but so like searching for things that are wrong and not wanting to find any of them and haven't so i guess thats not a problem... I don't know why its sort of strange but ... humph... i dont know sort of confusing I'm wanting to find something wrong but I can't. I don't know why I wanna find something wrong umm sort of confusing I don't know. Umm ... its all new territory for me so ... it sort of freaks me out but its obviously cool ... Ummm humph ... Lambda Union had a good meeting Molly is finally resigned... Thank God... I feel so annoyed that I had to do that and frustrated that I had to do that but hummm... someone else nominated me for president so I don't have to self nominate which is really cool and I've had a bunch at least a few people say "I don't want Jermey to be president umm I think you'd make a better president." so thats really cool ummm humph ... nothing else i think thats about it soo ... uhh i guess thats the end of the voice memo and I'll type this up later.

A Note: Like the message says this was a voice memo on my cell phone which I typed later. I have included all those strange speech fillers, to be true to what I said. I obtained this wonderful skill working as a Communications Assistant at CSD of Ohio Relay. In addition to clarify, Molly was the President of Lambda Union, I'm the secretary. We had to ask her to resign, because she wasn't doing the job.

January 09, 2003

Marcus: A year, a week, a Day later

Marcus is someone who is special to me for a strange reason, that I'm not quite sure why. I met him at the 2001/2002 New Year Party. He was a friend of Amanda Bennett's from Cincinnati. I felt a strange connection with him, but I never called him back.

I found myself talking a descent amount about him on the first date with Shawn, and when I got to work on Jan 1 I had a few minutes and I wrote him a letter. I've deliberated a week on what to do with this letter. I have decided to set this letter free from myself, out into internet space.

In addition I've decided to compost the actual letter and grow a plant or flower out of it. (along with some other items to be composted.) Its symbolic. I need to put this behind me, and move on from it.

Oh FYI: Marcus, was killed in a car accident, I never saw him again.

The Letter:

Dear Marcus,

I hope in some way in spirit or energy you can see this letter.

It has been almost exactly a year till since that time we parted in the parking lot of Wendy's

I'm sorry I never ch called you back and could make the last months of your all too short life memorable. You left a deep impression to on me. I will never once again forget to cherish the time with those around me who love me.

Your memory has driven me to leave nothing unturned, to explore and follow every avenue. The memory of how wonderful you were with me has sent me to Cincinati, and Memphis. And compelled me to spend hours wandering campus enjoying nothing but companionship.

I am eternally grateful for what you have given me and eternally pained for what I ignored and left.

You have taugh given me the gift of realizing how eternally precious each moment that we share with those around us who care about us.

With my deepest love and painful regret,
Nick

BIO106 Lab thoughts

I made it to my last "first class" today. My BIO106 lab. I'm actually enjoying it, despite my earlier prognostications of gloom and boredom. Of course I'm not enjoying it for just the class, but instead for the fact I get to do philosophy in it. Specifically in the Nova video we watched about ants, the PhD Dr. Wilson presented his opinions/value judgment as fact.

What my issue with the video was is that Dr. Wilson stated some things that are fundamentally value judgments without them being identified as such. Its strange, but a year ago, I never would have made that determination. I think I owe alot to Dr. Irvine in expanding my horizons and philosophical acumen over the past year.

I actually spent a few minutes talking with the TA about concerns, and she was happy that I was thinking about more than just "Dr. Wilson is ant obsessed" (he is.) But she also said that he's very on the mark, with his theories that ants are wholly altrustic, and selfless. I agree it does appear this way, but we don't have the same perspective, ants may instead all be working for their own survival. Its worth some more investigation.

My Night: End of a Job (with thoughts on parenthood added in)

Tonight I picked Jenni up at Barnes and Nobles after work. She was almost in tears. Without going into all the details she ended up terminating her employment at Circuit City. This is no small matter; she has worked for Circuit City for four and a half years.

Interestingly enough I expected her eventually to resign, just not in this way. Jenni has been struggling with balancing motherhood, work, and family; she has been feeling she hasn't been paying enough attention to William.

What I find so interestring in this society is how much we don't value parenthood. I feel that parenting is the ultimate gift that you can give, it is something that you never will be, and never should expect to be fully repaid for, giving the gift in and of itself is reward enough.

I guess the best example I can give of this, is when I'm holding, or burping, or playing with William, often it is alot of effort and sometimes results in my clothing being puked upon or salivated upon to no end. But these are so inconsequential to me, I derive an immense amount of joy from being with William, despite the fact that he drains my energy when I'm with him, and he requires all of my attention.

When I talked with my mom on Sunday one of the things that she said that I agreed with, is that the home and children need a parent to take care of them. The more and more time I spend with Jenni and William the more I realize that taking care of children is a full time job, and really does deserve the same respect as any other full time job.

I would have to say that perhaps because our society is so focused on what dollar value we can derive from something. Perhaps this is really a failure in economics being taught correctly. We've not as a society been taught to identify and attempt to quantify all costs and opportunity-costs associated with a choice; I believe too often people look at the monetary cost, and don't fully examine the emotional, relationship, psychological, and personal costs involved with a choice.

For better or worse, I am beginning to think I agree more and more with Dr. Irvine's thesis in Doing Right by Children, of which a core piece is that we are living above any standards that we have previously lived at as a society, but we are placing our children at a status below where they existed during the "golden age of childhood" in the 1950s.

I guess it is easy for me to say this as a non-parent, its always easiest to throw stones in a glass house if you live in a concrete bunker. The one thing is that I've really started critiquing parents, and noticing people who are doing a very good job vs. those who should have children services called on them.

I could keep going on I think, but at some point in my life I wish to have my own kids, but just want to wait for the right time in my life to adopt a child.

January 15, 2003

I get behind...

I'm lounging in the Lambda Union Office, and I can't find something to do, so this is a good thing. I've been looking at Shawn's and my eJournal and expecting a new entry. So, I feel a need to do a huge wrap up entry, but I'm not going to.

Shawn and I spent most of the weekend together, it was lots of fun! ;-) Boy, he is Beautiful!

I just had dinner with Jenni and William last night. William looks like he's really happy that Jenni is home with him more. I still find it amazing that William is growing up soo fast! Next thing I know he's going to be asking for dating advice or something.

Tommy (Molly's girlfriend) just gave her commentary on what she thought about Molly's resignation/impeachment threat, and I'm still annoyed that they don't see that having Molly removed as president is something that we (eBoard) did we did for the good of the organization, it wasn't something that we did to be spiteful to Molly.

I still have doubts about the Lambda Union elections tonight. and my speech is still unrehearsed, so...

I just feel as if I need this position, and its the best thing for me and the organization, but the members will decide tonight.

In other randomness, I determined that in 2004 Jenni will have known me half of her life, and I will have known her half of my life in 2005. And neither of us will know each other for more than 91% of our lives. Take a look at the Extended Entry to see all the gritty details of the Excel spreadsheet.

Time to go work on the speech more!

Jenni's Age	My Age	Num yrs known	% my life I've known Jenni	% of Jenni's life she's known me	Year
12	13	1	7.69%	8.33%	1994
13	14	2	14.29%	15.38%	1995
14	15	3	20.00%	21.43%	1996
15	16	4	25.00%	26.67%	1997
16	17	5	29.41%	31.25%	1998
17	18	6	33.33%	35.29%	1999
18	19	7	36.84%	38.89%	2000
19	20	8	40.00%	42.11%	2001
20	21	9	42.86%	45.00%	2002
21	22	10	45.45%	47.62%	2003
22	23	11	47.83%	50.00%	2004
23	24	12	50.00%	52.17%	2005
24	25	13	52.00%	54.17%	2006
25	26	14	53.85%	56.00%	2007
26	27	15	55.56%	57.69%	2008
27	28	16	57.14%	59.26%	2009
28	29	17	58.62%	60.71%	2010
29	30	18	60.00%	62.07%	2011
30	31	19	61.29%	63.33%	2012
31	32	20	62.50%	64.52%	2013
32	33	21	63.64%	65.63%	2014
33	34	22	64.71%	66.67%	2015
34	35	23	65.71%	67.65%	2016
35	36	24	66.67%	68.57%	2017
36	37	25	67.57%	69.44%	2018
37	38	26	68.42%	70.27%	2019
38	39	27	69.23%	71.05%	2020
39	40	28	70.00%	71.79%	2021
40	41	29	70.73%	72.50%	2022
41	42	30	71.43%	73.17%	2023
42	43	31	72.09%	73.81%	2024
43	44	32	72.73%	74.42%	2025
44	45	33	73.33%	75.00%	2026
45	46	34	73.91%	75.56%	2027
46	47	35	74.47%	76.09%	2028
47	48	36	75.00%	76.60%	2029
48	49	37	75.51%	77.08%	2030
49	50	38	76.00%	77.55%	2031
50	51	39	76.47%	78.00%	2032
51	52	40	76.92%	78.43%	2033
52	53	41	77.36%	78.85%	2034
53	54	42	77.78%	79.25%	2035
54	55	43	78.18%	79.63%	2036
55	56	44	78.57%	80.00%	2037
56	57	45	78.95%	80.36%	2038
57	58	46	79.31%	80.70%	2039
58	59	47	79.66%	81.03%	2040
59	60	48	80.00%	81.36%	2041
60	61	49	80.33%	81.67%	2042
61	62	50	80.65%	81.97%	2043
62	63	51	80.95%	82.26%	2044
63	64	52	81.25%	82.54%	2045
64	65	53	81.54%	82.81%	2046
65	66	54	81.82%	83.08%	2047
66	67	55	82.09%	83.33%	2048
67	68	56	82.35%	83.58%	2049
68	69	57	82.61%	83.82%	2050
69	70	58	82.86%	84.06%	2051
70	71	59	83.10%	84.29%	2052
71	72	60	83.33%	84.51%	2053
72	73	61	83.56%	84.72%	2054
73	74	62	83.78%	84.93%	2055
74	75	63	84.00%	85.14%	2056
75	76	64	84.21%	85.33%	2057
76	77	65	84.42%	85.53%	2058
77	78	66	84.62%	85.71%	2059
78	79	67	84.81%	85.90%	2060
79	80	68	85.00%	86.08%	2061
80	81	69	85.19%	86.25%	2062
81	82	70	85.37%	86.42%	2063
82	83	71	85.54%	86.59%	2064
83	84	72	85.71%	86.75%	2065
84	85	73	85.88%	86.90%	2066
85	86	74	86.05%	87.06%	2067
86	87	75	86.21%	87.21%	2068
87	88	76	86.36%	87.36%	2069
88	89	77	86.52%	87.50%	2070
89	90	78	86.67%	87.64%	2071
90	91	79	86.81%	87.78%	2072
91	92	80	86.96%	87.91%	2073
92	93	81	87.10%	88.04%	2074
93	94	82	87.23%	88.17%	2075
94	95	83	87.37%	88.30%	2076
95	96	84	87.50%	88.42%	2077
96	97	85	87.63%	88.54%	2078
97	98	86	87.76%	88.66%	2079
98	99	87	87.88%	88.78%	2080
99	100	88	88.00%	88.89%	2081
100	101	89	88.12%	89.00%	2082
101	102	90	88.24%	89.11%	2083
102	103	91	88.35%	89.22%	2084
103	104	92	88.46%	89.32%	2085
104	105	93	88.57%	89.42%	2086
105	106	94	88.68%	89.52%	2087
106	107	95	88.79%	89.62%	2088
107	108	96	88.89%	89.72%	2089
108	109	97	88.99%	89.81%	2090
109	110	98	89.09%	89.91%	2091
110	111	99	89.19%	90.00%	2092
111	112	100	89.29%	90.09%	2093
112	113	101	89.38%	90.18%	2094
113	114	102	89.47%	90.27%	2095
114	115	103	89.57%	90.35%	2096
115	116	104	89.66%	90.43%	2097
116	117	105	89.74%	90.52%	2098
117	118	106	89.83%	90.60%	2099
118	119	107	89.92%	90.68%	2100
119	120	108	90.00%	90.76%	2101
120	121	109	90.08%	90.83%	2102

Presidential Analysis

okay this uhh another eJournal entry on the voice cell phone thingy... ummm I'm sitting here rehearsing my speech for Lambda Union tonight upstairs (unintelligable) umm I never realized how much I really wanted this position umm... I'm up against Tony Black, Germaine, and Jeremy. Ummm ... Tony you bless the kid he's got a great heart but he doesn't realize what he's getting himself into... ummm he just should run for secretary or an appointed position ... ummm Germaine ... I don't know why I don't feel Germaine [should be President] maybe I've got some ableism going in but I don't know why I don't feel Germaine should be President ... umm shes a great gal and all but some reason I just can't seem to accept myself umm seeing her as President of Lambda Union... I don't know if thats ableism or I just don't see her as the right person. Ummm Jeremy oh god ummm ... what a drama queen ummm ... (exhale) I don't know I'm just fustrated with Jeremy and he can go off he doesn't seem to do much work it me it seems like the Vice-President never does work... Josh never did work last year Jermey never does work. Most of the time he's in the office he's either on IM or he's playing cards there on the computer ehh... I mean you know stuff you know I'm just trying to eat and I'm not doing a very good job on it but ummm I just really want this position and I wantta get out of the way I just wanna I don't know why I want this position its just strange. mmm gotta get back to eating so thats the end of the journal ....

Lost

Well thats it. I'm out of eBoard.. The new eBoard lineup as of today:
Jermey Wright, President
Allie Lane, Vice President
Duncan Hines, Treasurer
CeCe Houser, Secretary
Tom Lewis, Office Manager

Note that my name isn't in it? Fuck. Its amazing how much of my identity is tied in with Lambda Union. And how much I fucking hate Jermey and his fucking smug attitude and his willingness to sleep with just about anyone who will do it. And the fact that he took advantage of [name deleted 3/30/03]. God don't these people ever realize what type of fucked up crappy leaders they've elected to these posts?

I don't know what I want to do with Lambda Union. I really don't fucking know. The historian, Safe Space Coordinator, and Panels Director positions are open, and I'm still the webmaster. I really don't want to be the Lambda Union webmaster. Its turned into a bitch position.. no dreaming no real space to grow in it. Theres no leadership in it.

God I'm just so lost right now. Its amazing how much I put on getting that position.

Jenni and I are going out for coffee tonight to discuss... so...

January 16, 2003

Slightly Calmer

Well, I've calmed down a bit and put things in perspective. Talking with Jenni and holding Will seemed to help, why I don't know but, I tend not to argue with things that seem to work.

I'm still convinced Jeremy is a bad idea, but my involvement in Lambda Union revolves around working with him more than anything else. Essentially I'm not sure I want to work with him or not.

Didn't get any homework done tonight, but oh well, things could be worse.

The Nightquil is kicking in, so nighty night all!

Dirty Underhandedness

I had a conversation with a "birdie" this morning about last night:

Birdie:i think it was sneaky how jeremy brought people
Nicholas Barnard: he did?
Birdie:: uh-huh
Nicholas Barnard: I joked around about it... but not really
Birdie: didnt you notice the big group of girls
Nicholas Barnard: hmm... true.. but not everyone was voting...
Birdie: yeah they were
Birdie: /did
Nicholas Barnard: I should've known something was up when there was an email from casey wanting to vote for jermey

In addition I only lost by two votes. So I guess the thing is that I have the satisfaction of knowing, that I won, and Jermey just tilted the dang thing. Thats his conscience, and I hope he's a christian so he can burn in hell for being so deceitful.

January 17, 2003

Attempting not to burn the house down

Vegetable Oil Fires are fun! ... Hehe.. not really, but a was sautéing portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight with Shawn and a bit of the oil went over the side to the burner and caught fire.... ehh.. shit happens.

The menu for tonight:

Vegetarian Lasagna - with Portabella Mushrooms, Spinach, cheese and all that good stuff...
Salad - Still haven't figured whats going into it.
Hot Rolls - Kroger brand, I wouldn't trust myself baking them yet..
Juice - Drinkage... probably would be cool to have some vino, but ehh oh well.

And as always this dinner is a community effort... thanks to Veronica Warner (for the recipe and idea), Dad (for taking me shopping), Lauren (Portabella advice), Señora Kay (General advice), Ali, Tim, and Toyna. If I missed you I'm sorry.... let me know and I'll edit you in later.. ;-)

January 19, 2003

Repeating...

I'm sort of rewriting an entry because EspressoBlog crashed and lost it.. I already sent an email to the developer and got him what he needed to debug the problem.

I'm at work right now... a bit early because the car is broken down, and my dad had to drop me early.

As far as Lambda Union goes, I've figured out a few things:
1. Jeremy Wright is an asshole, and a poor leader. (Not new news)
2. I care and am invested in the organization too much just to get up and walk away, which means I'm going to have to learn to work with Jermey Wright. As much as he is the President, we're equals, I've been involved in the organization longer than he has, and I've had a position within the organization longer than he has, so the fact that he is the President is just a fluke of nature.
3. I need to limit my areas of involvement. I'm not going to be able to affect the whole organization in the position that I am in, so I better must make the areas that I'm involved in really damn awesome, and have fun. Already I've got a bunch of new ideas to reinvigorate the website and get things going, so it should be cool.

I think the thing that I'm looking forward to is less bullshit. Its gonna be great not to have to deal with minutes and attendance and typing all that up, and getting it on the website... But I gotta get rolling toward the floor at work..

January 20, 2003

Homework... ;-)

Its amazing how well my and other people's (Shawn specifically) skills at procrastinating are honed... I'm at his house and we're supposed to be doing "Homework". But we've both wasted an hour or so browsing the net and reading news individually.

But watching Shawn wrestle with the cat on the desk had been ... well ... cute. I miss having cats around, and well Boots C. He was such a dignified and distinguished, but genuine cat.

Well... Time to get onto reading plays...

January 21, 2003

I hate... errr love politics

I spent another great day with Shawn. He came and picked me up from work last night and drove me to his house (an hour a away) I stayed over. Then, I spent the day there and caught up on the news and my homework. After that he took me out to dinner at Don Pablos and drove me back to Dayton for work. Four hours of driving for me! He is soo sweet and kind. I mean I guess I did drive all the way to Memphis to visit Tommy, but this just seems so kind. Things are still looking on the up and up with me and him.

In other news, Why doesn't everyone in the world think like me? (well it would make the world boring, but probably less stressful.) I just read the wonderful article from the BBC about Bush's MLK Jr. Day Speech and of course he's promotion tolerance and civil liberties in front of a Christian cross. What is the President doing making a national speech in a Church? Seriously, I know its a bit of a long shot, but I'm paying him, he should not be conducting the nations business in a house of worship. If he wants to attend church he can do it on his own time, get his ass in the pew.

Maybe I just get pissy because I'm an agnostic and I feel like Bush is pushing religion (to be more specific Christianity) as something to hold the nation together. PLEASE! Religion is the one place in this country where we are the most divided. Go to a church, it will most likely be homogenous -- its been researched and people worship with people who are just like them.

I also thought it was funny that MLK Jr's widow is preaching peace: "We commemorate Martin Luther King as a great champion of peace, who warned us that war is a poor chisel for carving out peaceful tomorrows," Corretta Scott King said, she added "May his challenge and his example guide and inspire us to seek peaceful alternatives to a war with Iraq"

It would be interesting to do something drastic if we do go to war with Iraq, like denounce my citizenship. As strange as it may seem, its the best I can do to separate myself from a government and a nation that seems generally bent on violence. But then again, I'd also be losing my right to elect my leaders, but not that my votes ever count. (yes, I know its a common refrain, but I'm a liberal libertarian in a conservative area of the country, we're really outvoted as far as things usually go...)

Hmm... time to get some signs made to copy tomorrow to catch myself a roommate, and I should get to sleep, even thought I have 10 hours until class...

Love

I just spent an hour talking with a dear friend of mine, who shall remain nameless. He is someone who has been around at WSU for quite a while, starting out here as a student, and now working here.

He is someone who deeply believes in true romantic love that will last between two men for an incredible period of time.

He doesn't date anymore.

This has always been a very mysterious thing to me. He is a wonderfully adjusted person, professional, and has a great personality.

I asked him why he didn't date anymore, and he laid bare a part of his soul to me. It was an amazing gesture to me and something that I am extremely grateful for him having done.

He told me about a short but wonderful relationship he had with someone who then had to move away. He loved him enough that it hurt him, but not enough to ask him to stay.

He cried for two weeks after that.

He's tried dating after that , but he doesn't anymore.

Love is an amazingly powerful thing.

---

He is now committed, or content with being alone, and single. He no longer sees himself within the next 1, 5, or 10 years falling in love with a man who loves and cares for him with every fiber of his being.

His favorite poem (from his website) is:

If I can stop one heart from breaking I shall not live in vain If I can ease one life the aching Or cool one pain Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again I shall not live in vain by Emily Dickinson

---

I was about ready to cry then, and I'm about ready to cry now. I'm not someone who cries often in response to stories, but this is the simplest told story that has brought me to tears.

---

I'm stuck contrasting this with Shawn's and my relationship. And questioning exactly why he won't let me say that I love him. Strangely enough it took Jenni and I nine year to get to the point of saying "I love you". Both relationships feel the same, just Shawn and I lack shared experiences to reminice about, but I feel the same for Shawn as I do for Jenni.

---

I know I will fustrate Shawn by saying this, and that a relationship that is only three weeks old should not evoke this level of committment and emotion from me, but I do love Shawn, and even when we must part (as we will be forced to either by choice, or by death) that I will still love him, and cherish the time that I have been allowed to have with him.

---

The word love sounds petty and taudry, and I know that at times it is fleeting.

What a crazy concept this love thing is. It is so deeply personal, and customized, that it only has meaning between two people who have discussed, philosophized and dreamed about what it means. I honestly am not sure what it means between me and Shawn, but I know what it means between me and Jenni, and me and my family.

---

My friend and I also talked about men who seek sex in the bathroom and random encounters. As someone who has experienced random loveless sex, and sex filled with love the two are incompariable. You cannot satisfy the need for the latter by doing the former. And damn society and those who have blocked, have attempted to block, and will continue to attempt to block gay men seeking the latter, but then critize us when they unfortunatly have to engage in the former.

I feel robbed and screwed and otherwise violated by society that I had to go through the former in search of the latter. Sex never should happen without love, there is no point in it. I never want anyone else to have to go through the need to reafffirm that they are normal and natural that I and millions of other gay people have had to do. This is why I am involved with Lambda, as much as its fun to piss of the conservatives, and do everything else with Lambda, I never want another gay teenager to have to be told that they are normal, and natural. I want that to be a non-issue, so they are free to date, seek love, and go to the prom with the man of their teenage dreams.

---

This all feels so weighty and forceful brought on by my conversation with my friend, but I feel justified in saying this. I think much of what I've said is a philosophy that I've really developed over the past several years.

---

Got your take? Leave me a comment.....

Disclaimer

Its sad that I feel a need to put this in my eJournal, but some people can get temperamental. So here it is:

Everything that is said in here, are my thoughts (except where noted) and is copyrighted by me, don't steal it, ask me please! Please be aware that I get philosophical, whimsical, pissy, or sometimes even downright rude in here. These are my opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Oh and I feel justified in calling myself philosophical.. A professor answered the question "Am I any good at this Philosophy stuff?" by saying

"Are you good enough to do philosophy? Well, yes, you have the two most important characteristics, intelligence and a capacity for independent thought. You are remarkably open minded, for someone in your generation. You are willing to reflect on your own views and are open to the possibility that they might be wrong. You are a searcher. These are rare characteristics, and you have them. You are already doing philosophy. It is up to you to determine how far you want to take your investigations."

I'm not sure what this is going to turn into (planning what a journal is going to be is like attempting to decide what a kid is going to grow up to be when he is conceived, its just a futile effort with lots of dreaming, and not much realization.) but under any circumstances, if you show up in here, be honored either way, I care enough about you to be thinking deeply about you.

Love thoughts

Tommy just sent me this email today... its seemed appropriate:

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two . Some people should read more carefully than others!!

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

January 22, 2003

The Language Sucks, err stinks

One of the thing you find out when you attempt to write anything with precision, is that the English language is amazingly limited and imprecise when attempting to describe feelings, among other things. For the record Greek has three words for love they are:

• Agape - to love others in a social or moral sense: This is an act of the will, an active choice--the highest form of love meaning that it is unconditional
• Philos - a brotherly love: Affection, emotionally based
• Eros - Sexual love--from which comes the word erotic

Still seems to be incredibly limiting. Thus this is what poetry is for... too bad I don't seem to enjoy writing it.

In other language considerations, an observation I've made is how negative words in the language (sucks, fucked, dicked, screwed, asshole, "remove the stick up your ass", etc) have sexual connotations, and even more specifically have positive connotations for gay men.

Of course, there is the connotations of "straight" meaning directly forward, correct, or error free. Of course this implicitly states that by not being heterosexual, you are backward, incorrect, and full of errors. Yea! Isn't language fun? Its amazing how its so implicitly used to oppress people, and this is just a small beginning I guess.

But its time to get naked and get a shower and get to class..

Half a second makes a difference

I spent an hour with Kevin today in the editing room with sadboy ohio, the film that I worked on with him at the beginning of August. It rough and very good now, with the polishings it should be awesome.

One of my notes to him was to add half a second to a scene, which through the magic of the AVID digital editing system he was able to do with no trouble, and it was much better for it.

It made me wonder how half second timing in our daily lives would make a difference. I'm sitting in the Hangar, one of WSU's wonderful (yeah right) eating facilities, where a little over a year ago, I was in a hurry and kicked out the glass in the door. It was spectacular! I didn't have any responsibility because the cleaning lady handed me a story that absolved me of guilt, and she saw what happened better than me.... But right there a half a second would've spared me the embarrassment and the shower of shattered glass.

For better or worse I'm thinking of Run Lola Run a really cool german film. But we get three different versions of how everything plays out. Makes you wonder how the different choices you make in life affect things. Another good piece of art in that espouses how our choices and timing can effect things is Star Trek: The Next Generation "Parallels" where Worf bounces around different parallel universes and things are a bit different.

Ehh, so choices are important, and we never will know what could be, except in our imagination.

Time to go take a marketing test.. yeah!

January 24, 2003

Song of the Day

Copying Jordan a bit..
The song of the day is

Billy Joel's And So It Goes

Sometimes philosophy stinks

I've been studying Stocism in my philosophy of desire course. Its easy to say but hard to apply. This week has been rough and tumble, classes haven't been good, car needs $2,500 worth of repairs, I'm no longer wanted in Lambda Union by the President, and Shawn and I are "just friends".

But I'm here and living through it, thanks to anti-depressants and Kevin.

Good things: less responsibilty, less stress, and a whole lotta Nick time.

I went to work today to do something, too bad I don't have a job that is more engaging, I've had too much time to think.

January 25, 2003

Taxes Done

I just like to flaunt it, but I just filed my taxes.. The earliest I've done it ever... Whoo hoo! Okay so much for small victories... but it did it for free online at TurboTax Tax Freedom Project but its all good.. Albeit I'm not getting enough money back... Donations accepted via PayPal, or if its large enough I'll take a check... ;-)

January 26, 2003

A Glass...

Stoicism... Just got off the phone talking with Shawn ... and I need to move on ... mmm .. he started moving on ... and we've had a wonderful three weeks together ... its such a great gift just thinking about ummm those three weeks were or four weeks however long I'll count them out at some point ... uhh ... its amazing when I think about them how great I feel ... and how wonderful it is just to be able to put myself back in that state ... (exhale) the euphoria the fun of that ... (exhale) always easier to ... usually its easier to look at the glass being half empty but the thing is right now I'm really looking and the glass is really half full ... its more than half full ... its all the way full ... (exhale) ... I just hope that uhh ... I get to experience what I experienced with Shawn again and ... Shawn gets to experience what I felt again ...

(My mobile phone ran out of memory, so it just stopped recording... but I was about done anyway)

January 27, 2003

Resignation

I just finished writing my resignation letter for Lambda Union. It stinks a big heaping pile of cow shit that I felt I had no other healthy option but to do this. It needs some revision, but its getting near walking the fine line that it needs to walk.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I feel like starting another organization, but that is so much work, and it would look like I'm competing with Lambda on any count.

I feel a big empty rock somewhere inside of me. there is still much to get the ends wrapped up, but its done.. pretty much done.

Greedy SOBs

I just read 7 Families Sue Administrator of 9/11 Fund in the New York Times. I find it amazing the amount of greed/desire that people have for something that in realize is a gift. I find it amazing that just because their spouses were killed by a terrorist attack (vs. say a murder) that these people feel they have a right to something that is not theirs, and are demanding more of it. Honestly, the government owe's these people nothing. They should count their blessings that their spouse did die in the terrorists attacks so they get a shitload of money... Because if they didn't die in the terrorist attacks, they would have been SOL, only gotten the life insurance policy or what savings was there.

Okay I know a strange rant, but eh, its 3 am.

Free money

Just a reminder to everyone to get your free money from the Music companies. They were price fixing or something like that so now we all get a check from them.. but act fast its closing soon!

Visit http://www.musiccdsettlement.com/ to get some cash.

January 28, 2003

Reality TV Crap

Okay, I'm not usually the one to watch anything called "reality tv" I think its all crap, and we just need better written fictional works..

But, I turned on the TV and RealTV was on -- that thing where they get videos from all around and package it all up. This guy was rollerblading behind a car at 60 mph tethered to jumper cables. Some people amaze me. But, it looked pretty cool... Ehh oh well...

January 29, 2003

Philosophy Stinks Part Two

Okay, sometimes I hate the fact that I "do philosophy" because it means I'm stuck thinking about lots of stuff in deep meditation. Or walking around doing stuff. What I really hate though, is when I have multiple things to think about all at the same time..

I will spare you (and myself) the total confusion going on in my head right now. But the (totally unrelated) topics are (in no particular order): Shawn, romance (and its relation to language), promiscuous sex, HIV, politics (and its relation to a random GLBT organization), and other STDs.

Now here is the problem, what I should be thinking about: my philosophy test today, my philosophy paper thats overdue, the theatre rep "extra credit" project that I have to do. Work on my ASL for the quiz that needs done, work on the project for my marketing class... hmmm what else.... lots of stuff..
... but instead I'm stuck in the basement of the library doing philosophy... oh well... I could be stuck in the basement of the library doing research, now that would be terrible! ;-)

Its done.

Lambda Union has consumed my life the past several days. This honestly is usually the case, but it has been all consuming because I've been writing my resignation letter from the Webmaster position.

I finally posted it on the Lambda Union website. All the officers and the advisors will be getting their copies hopefully tomorrow.

I just need to let the letter stand for itself at this point. I should do my best not to be provoked into an argument about what happened, especially in private. If I have an argument I want it to be public with witnesses. I just am so weary of anything in private, bad things happen behind private doors and gossip can be spun however the other person wants.

I'm giving up lots of stuff. But my goal is to focus on myself and my writing, I think thats where my strength lies and what I can do for me.

See the extended entry for the resignation letter itself.

Dear Lambda Union,

Regretfully, effective Saturday, February 1st, 2003 I must tender my resignation as Lambda Union's Webmaster. In addition, I must withdrawal my application for the Safe Space Coordinator position.

I have made this decision for my own personal reasons, as well as to spare the organization any infighting. I did this after much thought; philosophizing; and discussions with Lambda Union's advisors, several executive board members both past and present, and many members.

I have a dream of Lambda Union working together both as a collection of student professionals and a group of friends; I have worked hard during the last two years to make this dream a reality. I have committed my efforts to Lambda Union at the expense of time with my family and friends, academic work, continued professional development, and financial security.

I can no longer continue to invest myself in the unhealthy and unprofessional environment created by Jeremy Wright, the current president. His tenure in Lambda Union has been extremely uncomfortable for me, due to his poor communication skills, and unprofessional actions.

I have had immense problems with how Mr. Wright has provided criticism and feedback on the Lambda Union website, an area which I have maintained as long as he has been a member of the organization. He has on multiple occasions been unprofessional and communicatively unhealthy; he demonstrated this when he criticized my work in public and at executive board meetings while I was not present.

I brought this to Mr. Wright's attention in a face-to-face meeting around 3:30pm on Thursday, January 24, 2003. He did not deny that he had criticized my work while I was not present. I then asked him to provide in an email by 5pm Friday, January 25, 2003 detailing his criticisms and suggestions for the Lambda Union website.

This email did not arrive.

Mr. Wright has made clear by his rhetoric and lack of a response to my request for an email that he no longer wants me in the organization. Despite this he has never indicated any deficiency or need for improvement in my work when I have spoken with him directly.

Mr. Wright is not the person to lead a group of volunteers. A leader's core values should be openness, positive encouragement, and a proactive stance. None of these are evident in Mr. Wright's actions during the time I have worked with him as both Vice President and Office Manager.

He has argued against open Executive Board meetings, despite a constitutional requirement of a partially open meeting; does not often praise the actions and work of others, and often leaves important tasks to the last moment.

In addition, Lambda Union is in a poor position for the upcoming budget request period as a result of Mr. Wright's negligence. At the December 2002 mid-year training meeting, it was decided that Lambda Union needed to advertise heavily to enhance our visibility. According to the constitution, this is the responsibility of the Vice President, the position Mr. Wright held until recently. No flyers were created, or posted, that provided specific information about Lambda Union's meetings. In addition, he has not asked for assistance with this task.

Finally, he has not provided any information from the NGLTF conference in Oregon, for which Lambda Union incurred a significant expense sending him to gather information for the organization. Unfortunately, sending Mr. Wright to the NGLFT conference, has wound up as essentially as vacation for him with no return to the organization.

I have done my best to provide constructive criticisms directly to Mr. Wright, and have suggested that he take a few classes to improve his interpersonal communication skills. I have never criticized him in front of a group or embarrassed him publicly, as he has done to me.

Many people have discussed possible voting irregularities, which were in part a result of the suspension of the constitution to elect a President more expediently. I will refrain from providing my interpretation of what happened. I have spoke with Mr. Wright and feel that he must bear on his conscience any unethical actions, if any occurred. It is not my place to judge him.

My wish is not to harm Mr. Wright, but to provide all Lambda Union members my inside view, insight, and constructive criticisms so they can make an informed decision, as to their leaders.

It is with a heavy heart and much sorrow that I resign from my first position with Lambda Union. While I have many dreams, for the organization, I cannot make them take flight in such an unhealthy and unproductive environment.

Regretfully,

Nicholas Barnard

January 30, 2003

Okay, maybe its not done.

After lots of lobbying by many of my friends, I edited the Lambda Union website. I've been urged to remove it completely, but I'm not going to, things need to be said publicly.

Politics are quite fun... Lets see how things unravel.

Planning

Okay, I've made a decision to do more writing. And I was just looking at my walls, and I realized I made a point of laying out process in art. I have the preliminary drawings of things along side the finished product. I think I did this to remind myself that you don't get to something great without the backup pieces to it.

I've been attempting to just jump into writing, without the backup pieces to it. I know I know better, and I've already decided to work on my background for the play I'm going to write, but just looking at my wall made me realize the importance of it...

Still not done

What stinks about resigning is not that I've done it, but that I still care.

Mark Reese, the store manager at the McDonald's that I first worked at, identified my level of care and compassion as my biggest weakness. I agree with him but also see it as my biggest strength.

I don't want to care, but its not just a switch that I can turn off. But because the fact that I care, I feel compelled to work with Lambda Union in some way, shape or form.

Or maybe not? I think the thing I need to do is channel my cares about the GLBT community into some different forms and spaces.

Time for some brainstorming...

January 31, 2003

Lambda

There has been drama over my resignation, and how I've done it.

For better or worse I think Lambda Union needs to be beaten down, way down, so people realize what is important, and can get people involved to get the organization rebuilt.

Billy Joel

Its strange, his is the only music I find comfort in. Perhaps, its because he is in some way so deeply feeling an emotional as I am.

Louise: Lullaby
Shawn: And So it Goes

Dreaming

Dreaming is the curse I've been given.

Sort of like cassandra I can dream, but I cannot get anyone to believe in my dreams. Its such a painful position to be in.

If only I could get one of my big dreams, things would be better. Yes I'm stuck with coming up with so many dreams unfulfilled.

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--
and then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

---

It explodes.

February 01, 2003

Chasing Amy

Chasing Amy Probably the best movie I know.

I just rewatched the scene where the title from the movie comes from. Except it doesn't fit me, and I want to graft it onto someone else. I want them full heartily to believe what Silent Bob says.

But just yesterday I pushed him out, I told him that I wouldn't be contacting him anymore. I gave the few printed pictures I had of him to a friend to hold, because I didn't want to see it. I took the link to his blog off my eJournal page.

I talked with Sean last night. and one thing I know that part of my personality requires, demands and needs to have someone who i place at the top above myself, and that he places me at the top above himself. This is so fundamentally a part of myself, that i honestly do not feel whole unless that person is there.

When I'm single I'm half a being, never fully complete. The greeks make the most sense. They believed that people were beings with four hands, four feet, two faces and two of everything, essentially two humans fused into one being, but they pissed off the gods, and were separated, and condemned to search for their other half.

What i think is most painful is not not finding your other half but finding who you think your other half is, and then losing them, because of your stupidity or a misstep.

But I found myself bound by a promise. One I made to someone I've never met that I never will met that I intend to keep. That is to put the interests of the person who I think is my other half above those of my own.

To that person, I will leave you alone because I cannot make that transition towards being friends, but I will be here, willing and wanting to give you all the time in the world until you feel comfortable and I promise not to chase you away, only if you will let me back in, because I don't want to spend every day Chasing Amy.

February 02, 2003

Futile.

Some things are just futile.

Like convincing your ex to give you another try, or just go back and see if we can make it work again. Dammit, he's so set where he is, stuck in his dogma that he wont move and explore and try to make it work, and see where it didn't work.

Fucking men.

"Just Friends" Bullshit

"Just Friends" that is the title of an upcoming movie. Its also an incredibly popular way of ending a relationship.

Why? Well because if it isn't mutual or its shoved down the other persons throat, its a way of sparing the person who had to say "just friends" a lot of guilt and pain because this way they're just "rephrasing" the relationship, and saying "I don't like you enough to call you my boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt you by telling you to get the hell out of my world."

Well, guess what, I think "Just Friends" is fucking cruel. Because it doesn't fully and fairly deal with the other person. It gives them the hope and dreams that "we'll go through 'just friends' for a while and then we'll be back together." Why don't people just really say what they mean. Instead of saying "just friends" say "I don't want to date you, I don't feel that way for you, and if you'd like audition to be one of my friends, and take a big fucking step down on my priority scale, so far down that you'll never see me again."

---

Bitter? Me? You bet.

Past Away

I hate to say it, but I'm like my mother. If the past isn't just peachy, I want it out of the way. So.. UPS package 1Z 61Y 8A5 37 1000 001 9 is that past that I need to get rid of. Its sitting in a drop box right now, but expect to see it picked up on Monday, and then stay tuned for where it goes...

A Response

In the past few entries I've been referring to someone who I dated.

I have done this person the service of not mentioning his name, but instead only mentioned him by reference to provide way in which to define and latch on my feelings.

He has placed a large commentary in his blog, and I removed the trackback pings, as to afford him his privacy.

In case anyone missed it I've been hurting a whole lot lately, and my life went from peachy keen, to pretty much in shambles, and I've been trying to grasp onto something that I think can be fixed or tried again.

In my direct communication with the aforementioned person, that has been my theme, lets try again, because I wasn't done, and I'm not convinced.

I've done my best to remove the aforementioned person from my life, and place him in the box of January that he exists in, because I cannot deal with letting those feelings rule my life, and I cannot stop them, so they must be boxed and removed.

To that person I have no desire to fight with you or to bitch slap you. I do have a desire to rid myself of my hurtful emotions, and for better or worse, this eJournal is the place.

This is the last time I will say it:

All I want is to try again.

Friends

I've come up with a sure fire way to determine who your friends are:

Piss off a lot of people in a big public way.

Something that doesn't attack them directly, but attacks one thing about something they're associated with.

Unfortunately I've discovered those people who I thought were friends are conditional friends -- i.e. friends when it suits them, but if it doesn't watch them backoff.

Now even if they criticize you but don't back off they're true friends.

I've gotta be more careful who I call a friend.

And to the nameless person mentioned in previous entries, no I didn't write this about you.

February 03, 2003

An apology?

I don't deal well with being assertive.

I usually lapse into being aggressive, which serves me well at times in political arenas, but not well in relationships it appears.

I dunno.

First and foremost, I feel a need to flat out say why I write my eJournal. Its not for you, its not for my mother, its not for my counselor, its not for my close friends, its not for anyone, except for me. Period. This is a selfish endeavor that I use to get out my thoughts and put them out there to be read. I could be perfectly happy just writing this eJournal for myself, without ever having a reader. While I appreciate and carefully read all the comments, they are the icing on the cake.

I don't plan these usually, lots of times I just sit down and type em out. Sometimes I've talked them into my cell phone's memo feature, or I've even got a few that I've hand written to be typed in later. But all in all these are my thoughts at the time I post them. (I do my damnedest to keep the posting date/time when the entry was created.) Like anyone I go through moods, and sometimes when I get angry it gets pushed and slathered on here.

But this is a new and tricky thing for me, and I don't often write these towards other people (there are a few exceptions, but they're obvious) So I may ignite something. If its inflammatory I'll usually leave that person's name out, unless it would otherwise be public.

Okay. So I've spent the last few paragraphs explaining what this thing is.

But I've been tearing someone up, and that isn't right. I would never say these things to the person's face, although I would say them to a friend while I was processing my thoughts.

So to that person, I am sorry, I am hurting deeply, and I'm just lashing out into my journal. I only want the best for you; I mean that with all sincerity, but I also have to do what is best for me, and dwelling on my emotions is not good. I need to get them out, so this is one of many ways in which I do it. Do I want to be friends with you? Yes. I really do, but I need help, and I've felt like I've been cast aside to figure out how to do this myself, and I can't do it on my own. I have no idea where to start.

This as public as I want to be with this. IM, email or call me. Please.

---

A BTW: Sean mentioned in the Chasing Amy entry, is a Wright State computer science friend of mine.

February 04, 2003

ShuttleEmail

The last email sent to the Earth from the Space Shuttle Columbia by Laurel Clark:

I have seen some incredible sights: lightning spreading over the Pacific, the Aurora Australis lighting up the entire visible horizon with the cityglow of Australia below, the crescent moon setting over the limb of the Earth, the vast plains of Africa and the dunes on Cape Horn, rivers breaking through tall mountain passes, the scars of humanity, the continuous line of life extending from North America, through Central America and into South America, a crescent moon setting over the limb of our blue planet.... Whenever I do get to look out, it is glorious. Even the stars have a special brightness. -- Friday, Jan. 31, 2003

I'ven't been struck by the Shuttle disaster as much as I though I would or should be. I've always been interested in aviation and space, so I follow all of these things closely. I do think its horrendous that people did die, but I think that the astronauts knew there was a pretty conceivable risk that they wouldn't be coming home in one piece.

While, my thoughts and feelings go out to the families, I also realize that we've just gotta move on with our lives. The astronauts should be commemorated for giving their lives to science, but also for being such astute and poetic observers of the world in which we live, and the space in which that world exists.

They are people who dared to dream, and devote a significant part of their lives towards making their dreams come true. They are people were daring enough to live their dreams and not follow what was laid out for them.

They are a testament to the human spirit, imagination, and dream.

February 05, 2003

Just Friends Part Two

I've been on the receiving end of the "Just Friends" line recently, and as such i've done a lot of thinking about it.

In and of it self "Just Friends" isn't a bad thing. Its all in the application.

In the simplest terms the person bringing "Just Friends" to the table, has an obligation to respect the other persons investment in the relationship then go about becoming a friend.

The person who is breaking up has the obligation that if they want to be friends to actually go about becoming friends in a timely manner, this can even mean, assisting them with the break up. Making sure they're doing alright, and they're adjusting to single-hood again. I'm not sure what activities would be best but some ideas:

• Phone calls, just say how you're doing etc.
• Go out with a group of friends to reinforce non-dating
• Both go to a public place and check out guys together -- if your really daring, phrase the time as a game of "fuckable" or "not-fuckable" and make sure that your friend doesn't lower their standards too much
• Random time together that is less date like, i.e. shopping, group outings, etc...

Okay, not as many good ideas as I would like, but remember if your the person who is breaking up and you use the "Just Friends" line you've taken on the obligation of transitioning the relationship to being friends. The person who has been broken up with cannot do this transition because it appears as if they are still wanting to date, and they're usually not sure what to do.

And finally, if your the one who broke up and you're not gonna make the commitment to become friends, be honest and just say "I don't want to go out with you anymore, sorry" because this way your not creating any false hopes.

Thats Nick's Dating 101, and everyone should be laughing now because I'm horrible at dating, I'll be the first one to admit it.

Brain Theories on a strange sheet of paper

Its strange what you start thinking about at Denny's at 12:40ish AM on Monday morning....

Specifically this:

This is my explanation of how blind and deaf people interpret the world, and thus why deaf people seem less part of mainstream culture than do blind people. (I do not make these judgments lightly or without experience, I work the the deaf, and I have a good bunch of blind friends.)

Let me attempt to explain this in words.

I'll start with explaining how the brain of person with all senses works in my opinion. The outer shell is visual information, this can be translated into words, or compared with a visual database to get a word out of. Then this is auralized (i.e. converted into audible type thoughts in the head) and then with sounds this goes into the thinking where your thoughts are worked audibly.

Okay a blind person's brain works much the same way, except that tactile information is compared against a tactile database and then a word is gotten, and then auralized.

Okay a deaf persons brain on the other hand, works like a person with all senses, except that nothing is auralized, and thus thinking is carried out more visually.

This is of course an oversimplification of the matter, but because deaf people do not think audibly like much of the population they are further removed from mainstream society, and as such create their own subset societies...

Okay, I didn't write that to annoy any deaf or blind people, but this is my best guess... If you disagree, use the comment link below!

Jumped

I took a leap and withdrew from all but one class this quarter, and all classes next quarter.

It seems and is a bit drastic, but I really feel that its the best solution to the underlying problem.

Specifically I don't fit in here, and well I've been trying to make it work and I feel that I just cant make it happen. But I generalize and evade the issue, so let me get specific...

I moved into Ohio at the cheerful age of twelve, and it took a big nosedive from there.

I spent much of my fifth grade year, expounding on the mantra "I hate Ohio" It was cheerful stuff! Although I did try to do some good and started a newspaper that published one issue.

After that half year of fifth grade at IDA Weller Elementary, I changed schools to The Miami Valley School, an independent private school. I got my high school degree from there. My graduating class was 43 people or so, and it was a real tight knit community, but I had withdrawn from it a bit, and really retreated into several close relationships with friends.

I wasn't the best academically, I just couldn't stay clicked into my studies, and well being in the closet creates untold amounts of stress. But I got descent grades in a rigorous academic program. I applied to Emerson College, Purchase College, Barry University, and NYU.

I got into Purchase and Barry, both colleges that I hadn't visited, so I just had to make a decision based on printed information.

I chose Purchase College, in the liberal arts school, even though I applied to a conservatory, so I was already playing second fiddle to my dreams and what I wanted to do.

Well, to keep this short, Purchase is a underfunded state school, they've got good faculty, but given the cost and what I wanted to be doing they weren't the same. So I left after one semester, and enrolled at my current university, Wright State University. I told myself at the time that I would be only until i figured out what I wanted to do then I'd transfer. Apparently, I have a short memory.

So, fast forward three years or so. I'm still enrolled at WSU. I was not happy with my first major, so I changed to Theatre Studies, which for many students is reject land from a BFA program. I tried not to think of it this way, but there is only so much you can do. I got involved in Lambda Union, and really started doing things with them. Sometime during the last year or so I made the determination that I wouldn't stay at WSU for the theatre department, nor the marketing department (I'm a marketing minor), or the philosophy department (minor again). Although the philosophy department is almost enough to keep me here. What was keeping me here was Lambda Union, and I was doing that because I felt a need to improve the organization and the WSU community, essentially I was being altruistic and putting my needs behind those of the the organization.

Now fast forward again to the past two weeks, I just got ran out of Lambda Union, and well I'ven't seen the point of any of this, because I wasn't doing what I was doing for me, but for others, and my motivation to do that was gone, with it went any motivation to get to class etc, etc..

Because as I see it right now there is no point to go to WSU anymore, its not what I want to do, and I'm not gonna get out of it what I want to get out of it.

In other words, my attempts to make lemonade have failed miserably, despite a few good batches, I can't get a consistent flow of lemonade.

---

So what do I do from here?

Well I'm gonna take off until Fall 2004 to get my financial situation back in order, and hopefully get into a college that better fits me and get my degree. So I'm gonna start working full time, and probably pick up a second job.

It feels good, although I'm gonna miss this place and the people, but this is for me. period. And that feels good.

February 07, 2003

Why is this so hard?

Okay, the walls in my living room/dining area are bare, thats just how it goes, because I'ven't gotten to it yet.

But I've decided I want a picture of two men on some type of romantic embrace. Like anything I need I turned to the Internet. Boy, all i gotta say is i got a lot of porn, and art porn.

It just really appears what I want is really hard to find/isn't out there. And we wonder why people think of gay people as sexual predators half the time...

February 08, 2003

Not in My Name

I joined one of 40,000 people today, and signed Not in Our Name: A Statement of Conscience Against War and Repression.

While I have written one Letter to the Editor. I have in my rhetoric and discussions with people opposed Bush's plans and handling of the whole situation. He does not represent me, and while I would like to disown this government, I find myself with neither the constitution, nor the lack of hope to denounce my citizenship and leave this country.

While I have considered taking drastic actions to express my views, I also realize that however unfortunate I am an American, and I have contributed to this nation. I must take ownership in it and it's government, even when I disagree with what is being done.

I do not envy those Americans who currently are amassing in the Persian Gulf. I commend them for doing what they feel they need to do to protect our country, and I hope they realize that I'm doing what I think I need to do to protect our country.

---

On sacrifices and death

The 3,017 people who gave their lives in response to the views they held, should be memorialized and remembered.

The figure that I just stated, includes the hijackers, unlike many others. All of these people died for a political cause, and as unfortunate as it is, political speech must be protected.

As a country we are about to multiply those losses. Thomas Jefferson stated "War is an instrument entirely inefficient toward redressing wrong; and multiplies, instead of indemnifying losses." I don't want to even guess at the multiple that Bush's actions will multiply those 3,017 lives into.

---

The List

While writing this I've been looking at pictures of the victims and other various ways of looking at the lists of people who died. I wanted to look at a simple list, of just names. Unfortunately one doesn't exist, so I worked one off of the list from the September 11th Victim's site.

My September 11th 2001 Victim list includes the victim's name, age and residence. The list with lines wrapped, 1 inch margins, and 12pt font runs twenty-nine pages. Astonishing considering the little space given to each name. Each page contains about 100 names.

Another good site is CNN.com's September 11: A Memorial. Sixteen people my age died.

---

What is the only real thing I've learned? Hate is strong and one of the emotions that we must suppress at all costs.

---

Not in Our Name: A Statement of Conscience Against War and Repression that I signed Today:

Let it not be said that people in the United States did nothing when their government declared a war without limit and instituted stark new measures of repression.

The signers of this statement call on the people of the U.S. to resist the policies and overall political direction that have emerged since September 11, 2001, and which pose grave dangers to the people of the world.

We believe that peoples and nations have the right to determine their own destiny, free from military coercion by great powers. We believe that all persons detained or prosecuted by the United States government should have the same rights of due process. We believe that questioning, criticism, and dissent must be valued and protected. We understand that such rights and values are always contested and must be fought for.

We believe that people of conscience must take responsibility for what their own governments do -- we must first of all oppose the injustice that is done in our own name. Thus we call on all Americans to RESIST the war and repression that has been loosed on the world by the Bush administration. It is unjust, immoral, and illegitimate. We choose to make common cause with the people of the world.

We too watched with shock the horrific events of September 11, 2001. We too mourned the thousands of innocent dead and shook our heads at the terrible scenes of carnage -- even as we recalled similar scenes in Baghdad, Panama City, and, a generation ago, Vietnam. We too joined the anguished questioning of millions of Americans who asked why such a thing could happen.

But the mourning had barely begun, when the highest leaders of the land unleashed a spirit of revenge. They put out a simplistic script of "good vs. evil" that was taken up by a pliant and intimidated media. They told us that asking why these terrible events had happened verged on treason. There was to be no debate. There were by definition no valid political or moral questions. The only possible answer was to be war abroad and repression at home.

In our name, the Bush administration, with near unanimity from Congress, not only attacked Afghanistan but arrogated to itself and its allies the right to rain down military force anywhere and anytime. The brutal repercussions have been felt from the Philippines to Palestine, where Israeli tanks and bulldozers have left a terrible trail of death and destruction. The government now openly prepares to wage all-out war on Iraq -- a country which has no connection to the horror of September 11. What kind of world will this become if the U.S. government has a blank check to drop commandos, assassins, and bombs wherever it wants?

In our name, within the U.S., the government has created two classes of people: those to whom the basic rights of the U.S. legal system are at least promised, and those who now seem to have no rights at all. The government rounded up over 1,000 immigrants and detained them in secret and indefinitely. Hundreds have been deported and hundreds of others still languish today in prison. This smacks of the infamous concentration camps for Japanese-Americans in World War 2. For the first time in decades, immigration procedures single out certain nationalities for unequal treatment.

In our name, the government has brought down a pall of repression over society. The President's spokesperson warns people to "watch what they say" Dissident artists, intellectuals, and professors find their views distorted, attacked, and suppressed. The so-called Patriot Act -- along with a host of similar measures on the state level -- gives police sweeping new powers of search and seizure, supervised if at all by secret proceedings before secret courts.

In our name, the executive has steadily usurped the roles and functions of the other branches of government. Military tribunals with lax rules of evidence and no right to appeal to the regular courts are put in place by executive order. Groups are declared "terrorist" at the stroke of a presidential pen.

We must take the highest officers of the land seriously when they talk of a war that will last a generation and when they speak of a new domestic order. We are confronting a new openly imperial policy towards the world and a domestic policy that manufactures and manipulates fear to curtail rights.

There is a deadly trajectory to the events of the past months that must be seen for what it is and resisted. Too many times in history people have waited until it was too late to resist.

President Bush has declared: "you're either with us or against us" Here is our answer: We refuse to allow you to speak for all the American people. We will not give up our right to question. We will not hand over our consciences in return for a hollow promise of safety. We say NOT IN OUR NAME. We refuse to be party to these wars and we repudiate any inference that they are being waged in our name or for our welfare. We extend a hand to those around the world suffering from these policies; we will show our solidarity in word and deed.

We who sign this statement call on all Americans to join together to rise to this challenge. We applaud and support the questioning and protest now going on, even as we recognize the need for much, much more to actually stop this juggernaut. We draw inspiration from the Israeli reservists who, at great personal risk, declare "there IS a limit" and refuse to serve in the occupation of the West Bank and Gaza.

We also draw on the many examples of resistance and conscience from the past of the United States: from those who fought slavery with rebellions and the underground railroad, to those who defied the Vietnam war by refusing orders, resisting the draft, and standing in solidarity with resisters.

Let us not allow the watching world today to despair of our silence and our failure to act. Instead, let the world hear our pledge: we will resist the machinery of war and repression and rally others to do everything possible to stop it.

February 09, 2003

The Hope Balance

For some reason, I feel qualified and able to give advice. I was talking to a friend of mine, a lesbian freshman here at WSU, and I she was frustrated that she hasn't found a girlfriend candidate. And I commented: "Its a delicate balance, you have to hope but not too much."

Hell, I should attempt to follow my own advice. As much as I know that its very self destructive to start planning my the future with someone I'm dating, its just a matter of when is it safe to stop living in the moment and the now with someone and start dreaming?

I know part of the desire I have for a boyfriend, is that I want the stability. I want to be able to come home, and if I have a shitty day, not have to spend time looking for someone online to chat with and decompress, or journal about it, but just sit down with him and talk it over. And I want to build something with him... well not something, a life. I want to have kids, go on a romantic vacation, and care for him when he's sick. Oh and cuddle...

Hmm... guess its like everything else, I wanna go for the end and getting there is something to be figured out. I know I'll like the journey, but the goal is important, and unfortunately dating isn't something you can map out on a sheet of paper like a programming project, or a paper. Perhaps thats why I have so much trouble, I really wanna skip the beginning and just get to the end.

Okay I've been avoiding writing about this, but it keeps coming up. I miss Shawn. I don't feel a desire to blame him, or defame him, but I just want him in my life. But the question is, do I want him in my life because of the fact that he fulfills my above dream, or do I really want him? I can still honestly say both.

I like him for who he is, not for what he does for me, albeit his mantra "Its all about you."

I just hope lightening strikes twice.

Blue or not blue?

I've wanted blue hair for quite a while, just never had the guts to dye my hair there. I was blue for halloween. But, that was just temporary. I think it looks good... and given that I don't have to worry about impressions for a while I might go for it..

So to blue or not to blue? That is the question.

Comments please!

Alcohol or Coffee?

Should I juggle lots of things	or	focus on one
Shot Glasses	vs	My big goofy mug
Alcohol	vs	Coffee...

Okay... I've been choosing alcohol, and getting the predictable depressy results. I guess the thing is while a lotta of times I have been happy carrying lots of shot glasses, it ultimately doesn't allow me to be happy. Maybe its because when there is a success, it is just a small part of everything, and is balanced by some failures.

Well I guess in some way shot glassing things has been my way of an insurance policy. Insurance doesn't make a lot of sense unless you have the possibility of huge losses. An insurance company the pays for the losses and the successes don't cost them anything. But the successes in my world are balanced out pretty h by the losses. Considering I've gotten pretty well with dealing with big failures, maybe its time that I cancel my insurance policy and get that big goofy mug. That mug might fit me better... I know the Goofy hat fits me well..

February 10, 2003

Wow Moment

[Begin Dork Rant] Okay, its a geek moment but right now I'm having one of those wow moments. Right now I'm printing, syncing my handspring, burning a CD, listening WYSO streaming over the net, chatting with people, and writing an eJournal entry... Dang! One of those wow moments, where I'm just amazed at what computers can do.. its really amazing. [End Dork Rant]

February 11, 2003

Gitty!

Okay, its just about a week after I made the decision to jettison a bunch of my responsibilities, and start focusing on myself and my things.

While overall I feel better I've noticed a few ancillary benefits:

• Gitty - My demeanor has been so much better, I've been much more playful, and much more at ease to laugh at lots of things, and even at myself
• Sleep - Getting up is easier, and I'm much more refreshed when I awake
• Awareness - A bit of a strange one, but I'm much more on top of the few things I've got, I'm noticing things about myself and making better observations about the world around me, I guess I'm just taking everything slower.

KISS works I guess. (For those of you lacking the management background KISS=Keep It Simple Stupid)

I've also gotten on some really old projects. Specifically a six or seven year old one to put more content on my website. I made a small step four years ago on my GLBT Theory and Issues section but that was for a class. I'm still working a little by little on this project, and I've also been going about bringing most of the sections of my homepage within the new and current framework. (sigh) Its lots of work, but I think it'll be worth it.

What the hell have I been doing?/Stranded in Dayton

I just looked up the email address of one of my former teachers from Upper School. (yes, thats what Miami Valley calls it) and was looking at the Hyde School's website. At the top they've got their values dropped as marketing points: Courage, Integrity, Leadership, Curiosity, Concern.

Those are things I care about.

In a lot of ways I feel like I'm stuck in a sea of people who don't give a shit about that. Maybe I'm being down on WSU and the Dayton area, but I feel honest in saying that. I've been here half of my life. (A truly depressing statistic (no honestly, I'm not playing for sympathy -- I've been out of place here well as long as I've been here.)) (yes, for those of you who noticed, I'm a programmer, I make sure my parenthesis get closed properly or things just blow up or refuse to compile.)

I feel justified in feeling that I'm in a sea of people who don't give a shit about Courage, Integrity, Leadership, Curiosity, or Concern... I'm probably one of a few people who willingly have admitted to plagiarizing. It was my junior year of Upper School, I will never do it again.

This deserves some explanation... I've never been a good "english" student in class. Literary analysis isn't my strong point, coupled with my strong procrastination skills this made writing english papers incredibly difficult. During my junior year, I found one paper on the net, and purchased another one. (it was seventy-some dollars) I reworked both of these into my style a little bit more, and turned them in as my own.

My teacher graded them but noted on the comments for the trimester that they "may have been plagiarized." I got a laugh out of this. Later that year we had a all day session on cheating, when we watched the movie Eight Men Out and discussed it in groups. I was left with the definite understanding that I had done something wrong. I took a few weeks, and talked about it with my friends. They all felt that I had gotten away with it, so I shouldn't tell on myself.

I don't know what exactly my thoughts were at the time, but I decided that I had to tell my teacher what happened. So I wrote him a letter and dropped it in his mailbox, and didn't hear about it for quite a while.

A month or two later he and I talked in the hall a bit, and he said he got that letter, but he and the principal decided to do nothing about it, because they felt that I had learned a lot. (or something like that, my memory is fading a bit.) I think you've gotta cheat once and either get caught or turn yourself in. I know I never take credit for someone else's work now, even miniscule parts.

But back to being stranded in Dayton... I dunno. Its really sort of depressing. I feel like in some ways I've had half of my life ripped out from me. I never wanted to be here in the first place, I wanted to stay in Binghamton, and because of my dad's work I'm here. GODDAMMIT.

I guess I'm nothing if not persistent, but the more and more I look at it I know I'm not going to be able to make living here be fulfilling for me.

Okay I had an epiphany moment while writing this. I just screamed out Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs! I know sort of a strange thing to just exclaim, but when you have had a teacher that makes it a habit to work "the triangle" into at least one lecture a week you tend to remember it.

I've been pining at the top levels of the triangle for quite a while, meandering around the Love and Esteem parts, and once an a while getting to the Self-Actualization section.

Have I been short circuiting the process? Under the Love Needs section this site says "We need to be needed" In some ways I've been forcing myself to be needed, and getting a similar feeling from it, but its not the same I don't think. I've forced myself into Lambda Union, Directing, and lots of other little things. I've identified a (valid) need and gone out to fill it. This is sort of like what my father admitted to doing at one point when he was young of soaping people's windows, then going and getting paid to clean them. I'm creating (or finding) my own spot to be needed so I can fill it.

Dang. Thats a big idea.

How is filling a natural need different? I'm not quite sure I know, because I'm not sure when I've done it and identified it. All of the examples I can think of are smaller helping people in the hallways find something, or pick something up. Or a better example, is when I was helping Jenni with quitting the job. I was needed then.

Hmm... my paper writing habits are coming back now, I feel a need to put a nice conclusion on this but I can't. So......

February 12, 2003

Journal Splinter

Its time for the journals to split up:

Since I've started this I've been playing the delicate debate of what belongs in here, and what doesn't. I've previously said that I write this for me and me alone, but I'm also conscious of fact that this is public, and that a future employer, a school, parents, or someone might come across this. I've come to the point that I need to set up two other eJournals.

So I'm introducing:

• PeJournal - No, its got nothing to do with Physical Education. It stands for Private eJournal.
• WeJournal - I've not developed multiple personalities. This one is Writer's eJournal, its a spot where I can put snippets that I find interesting in it, as well as work out stories and characters

Both of these are private and passworded for different reasons.

PeJournal is private because I don't want everyone knowing about some of my private personal thoughts, but I feel a need to write about them.

WeJournal is private for copyright reasons (I may place copyrighted materials in there that I don't own the copyright for) and commercial reasons, as to not wanting my creative ideas stolen.

If you'd like access to these let me know, by dropping me an email, with a preferred username and password. its more likely that you'll get access to PeJournal than WeJournal.

Its gonna take a few days to start granting access because I need to develop a license or two to ensure that people understand how how they may use the eJournals.

The one exception is if your already bound by confidentiality and I'll see you on Thursday, I've set you up an account. The user id is the user part of your WSU email address (the part before the @ sign) and the password is the state you did your undergrad work in.

Embarassed

Okay, I cry to television and movies every once in a while. Every once in a RARE while. But never to Star Trek until now....

From Star Trek: Voyager "The Disease":

Captain Janeway: You've got 30 seconds before I have Tuvok drag you to sickbay.
Ensign Kim: Captain I am not sick! I didn't disobey orders because I'm under some alien influence, I disobeyed your orders because Tal and I are in love, and its not right for you to keep us apart.
Janeway: You listen to yourself. You don't sound anything like the Harry Kim I know.
Kim: Good I have served this ship for five years and said "yes ma'am" to every one of your orders but not this time.
Janeway: Your willing to risk your rank your career over this?
Kim: Have you ever been in love captain?
Janeway: Your point?
Kim: Did your skin ever flush when you were near another person? Did your stomach ever feel like someone hallowed it out with a knife when you were apart? Did your throat ever swell when you realized it over? Seven of Nine told me Seven of Nine told me loves like a disease, well maybe it is. Pheromones, endorphins, chemicals in our blood, changing our responses, physical discomfort, but anyway you look at its still love.
Janeway: For the sake of argument lets say your right, your feelings for Tal are no different than mine for ... What? the man I was engaged to marry. Well I lost him and your going to lose Tal. You know that. What the Doctor is offering you is a way to ease the pain.
Kim: That man you were going to marry if you could've just taken a hypo-spray to make yourself stop loving him so that it didn't hurt so much when you were away from him would you have done that?

(A disruption takes them away to the bridge.)

---

I know I wouldn't have taken that hypo-spray.

I've also been reading Shawn's eJournal. Despite the fact that I swore off him or so I thought, I never really stopped reading his eJournal. I'm still stuck hoping. I likely am going to see him this weekend at the 2003 Midwest BLGTA College Conference. I don't want to scare him away. But I just read his entry Life has been odd lately..., and I'm stuck with the impression that I took advantage of someone who was down. I knew from almost the beginning that he had just lost his mother, but he seemed to be dealing with it pretty well, so I didn't give it much thought. I felt that if he wanted to bring it up he would, and I had no right to pry. I'm just not sure if I'm a weed. (Sigh)

I know I wanna make a second try at this, I just do. But is it worth the pain a second time? Plus, it isn't my decision. I know I cannot make this decision, I've decided my half of it, and I'm doing my best to leave the door open if he decides that he wants to be with me.

February 13, 2003

Entry

I feel a need to make an entry but I don't know what to say. So lets restate some basics:

1. I've gotta do things for me.
2. Jenni is awesome.
3. William is a very cute baby.
4. Not sure if I'm over Shawn, but I want him back in my life in some form.
5. George W. Bush is a war monger and an idiot.
6. Losing your wallet sucks.
7. Having a counselor is a good thing, even if you don't know what to say.
8. Procrastination is something that I do a helluva lot of, but should do less of.
9. While nice and dandy writing an eJournal entry instead of working out is still procrastinating on working out.

I need to go work out...

February 14, 2003

Tarot, Canvas, Lemonade

I had my appointment with Jo, my counselor, today. She mentioned something interesting about the Death Tarot Card. I've never been into Tarot. (Not that I've shied away from it, but I've never really been interested in it.)

But now for a quote about the death card:

Dying has a way of making you concentrate on what's important. This card reminds you to cut out the unnecessary. Death can also mean you will experience an inexorable force. Death is inevitable, and sometimes there are events that are inescapable as well. When these moments occur, the best approach is to ride your fate and see where it takes you.

i.e. Hop on the cow ...errr horse and ride away.

Another way of looking at my troubles is that I've come definitely to the conclusion that Dayton isn't the place for me. If I was an overly dramatic queen (okay I have my moments, but not usually) I would be screaming "I CAN'T WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS!" But I'm not literally, but I've realized that I can't. I can't do what I want to do in Dayton. I have a dream and I've attempted to paint it on the canvas but the paints that I have been provided just aren't pliable in the ways I need them to be. So I feel secure in moving on and looking for some other batch of lemons to work with.

College Search

While I'ven't begun it in earnest, I did start my college search today. (sigh) What a pain in the rear this is going to be. Its a big decision and I really need to do my best to make sure this is the right one. Because this will be my fourth college...

So maybe the third time isn't the charm?

Dating

Okay, I've been thinking a lot about dating and I've come up with some ground rules I want to follow:

1. Getting overly gitty isn't worth it, don't go too far, and don't not go far enough, it's a tough balance, but talking about kids on the first date is probably a bad idea
2. No sleeping over at each others house for at least a month. (If necessary you may sleep in different beds/couches if the weather/lack of sleep demands.)
3. If your cell phone dies, take it as a message to stop talking to the person for the evening. (Exception, if you have crappy cell phone battery, you get an extra half hour of plugged in talk time per day.)
4. Picking someone up from the airport or stalking them to the airport when you've known them for less than a week is a bad idea.
5. If you can't go a week without talking to this person, you're not dating you're infatuated. If this is a necessity in your life try a puppy.
6. Kissing. Closed mouth for a month only.
7. Showing and telling lots of people about the person your dating right off the bat is a bad idea, because you'll have to endure explaining what happened to the relationship to lots of people.
8. When in doubt, a cold shower is the best thing. (A failing hot water heater will help with this.)
9. Jacking off is good, use it as a stop-break for yourself when overly horny.
10. If during the first month you've spent more time with the person asleep than awake, you are not dating, you're just fuck buddies.
11. When in doubt, spend three weeks away from each other, if you still feel the same then you've got something.
12. Always be true and honest to the other person, except when you're breaking up. When breaking up follow these points:
    • Don't say anything to the person that you haven't felt or thought for at least two days.
    • When in doubt write it down, place it under your bed for two days, if when you read it two days later its still valid, send it to him.
    • While it might feel good to throw or ship back everything out that is related to him, you'll want it later, its much better to place it in a bag in the back of a closet.
13. Give things time, time, time, time, time and more time... The end of the world isn't going to come soon, and if it does... (Well it does, you can't do anything about it.) But back to the point. If its true love you've got the rest of your life together. If its not true love you've stretched out the good times.
14. When in doubt attempt to rationalize. Ignore the strong voice in your head stating that love isn't rational. (it isn't, but just ignore it anyways) If you can rationalize how you're feeling, you've got something, if not try harder.
    • A suggestion while rationalizing: Cause yourself minor pain, pinch yourself, walk around with out enough clothes on outside during the winter, walk into a wall, etc.. etc... Then ask yourself, would you do that every day one a day for the person, if not your not in love.
15. Stop reading stupid advice columns and follow your heart.
16. Start reading stupid advice columns and follow your brain.
17. When in doubt, do what feels right for the future, but not what feels right for now.

Rapid Fire Reasoning

Okay, someone is gonna ask me the question, you just wrote four, (now this is five) eJournal/PeJournal entries, why not just write one?

Because. They're different subjects, and each should stand on their own. When I write a whopper of an entry, all of the thoughts are interrelated somehow, and I'm trying to work through them....

And for a better explanation: I'm the writer, thats why.

On Writing

The things that I write and speak are large percolating masses of ideas, images, and lines that spin, swirl and ferment in my mind, until they feel an intense need to explode themselves in an uncontrollable urge into electrons, marks on paper, or compression waves in the atmosphere. The things that I write demand that they be written, I do not demand that I write them. (caveat, school papers)

I'm off

I'm gonna start my journey to the Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender and Ally College Conference. Enterprise is grabbing me in about 10 minutes so I'm off!

I'm here!

Okay, I just arrived at the Ohio Union where the confrence is being held. We were a little late so we ended up missing the first speaker and there isn't anything scheduled for like an hour.. but leave it to me to find a terminal with an internet connection... heheheh ... So. I've never seen so many young gay people in one spot.. its really fricking amazing!!! Okay... I'm here and I'm looking for one person, and one person only.... How sad is that?

God, as much as I try to convince myself I'm over Shawn the more I know I'm not.. Ehh... oh well... this should pass eventually...

I'm bored

Okay, will someone please tell me why they think I have a tolerance for two plus hours of drag shows? I'm fricking bored, and it was fueling my headache, so I got up and left.... Sigh.. I'm hungry and well I'm stranded.. fun, fun, fun... maybe I'll go eat... but then that means I'll be eating alone, despite the fact that there are lots of people around.. Sigh, I need to make a friend... (sigh)...

Wonder where Shawn is....

February 15, 2003

Moisés Kaufman

I just got out of hearing Moisés Kaufman speak..

WOW!

He has reenergized me. Okay ... I'm going to attempt not to go on and on, but I am enamored with the man. He is just amazing, he is extremely and amazingly wise, much beyond his years.

He's a dreamer, I can tell that I know that. He stated that he finds hope in our eyes ... How amazing...

I guess it's a matter of perspective. He at one point stated that "things can be better" and now as he sees them, they are better -- not all the way but somewhere near there. But then this generation, now we see things as being not very good. I guess I just have to be committed that the future can happen, and it can go very well. I've just gotta keep my head up and keep looking that way.

Okay.. One more thing, because I'm in the lunch room at OSU and I'm fricking hungry, so I gotta stop typing and get in line for food... Geez... He stated that theatre is at a spot in its art form where its doing the same thing it has done since the 1900s... We need, we must create and develop new forms. That means a lot of failure, and some success...

I've gotta figure out how to keep my head up through the failures... that is the most important thing I see as right now that I need to learn and learn better... Maybe I need to know as Micro$oft does, learn to kill my failures.

Shawn

Okay. I'm here, I'm queer, but all I can do is think about Shawn.

I was hoping that seeing him this weekend and just naturally being able to run into him would help. I have ran into him no less than three times. Well once was I saw him at a table he was working and I went upto him and made small talk. He seemed totally uninterested, not even willing to feign it.

Okay, so he's said he wants to be friends, when is that going to happen? I'm stuck here hurting and while I thought I'd patched it up pretty well, it just got ripped open seeing him here again. I've only chatted on IM with him in recent weeks, and that is a little more impersonal.

Perhaps it's as Moisés Kauffman said earlier today, that he thinks Fred Phelps is doing us, the gay community, a favor by bringing what lots of people cloak in euphemism and misdirection to the surface. Maybe this is bringing that I've not let go, and I've refused to let go to the surface. I so much would like to be out of this hell of limbo, but I seem stuck, unable to move forward with Shawn, unable to move back to just a spot where he is another person just in my past. He's stuck at the spot of unrequited love. Shit.

I've changed my mind, I would take the hypo-spray. I just want this to stop. I want to stop hurting, to stop caring about him, but it's just not a switch that I can turn on and off at will, wouldn't life be so easy if we could do that?

Pissed/Oppressed

I am Pissed. I am pissed at the spot society has placed me in. I am stuck. I am oppressed and I don't know what to do about it.

Moisés, Moisés said something interesting. I just can't place my finger on it.

To some extent I'm still wearing two masks - two identities - or more.

Am I making my decisions because they have been dictated to me by the masses? The Oppressors? What ever happened to that or an instinct within me that had that desire to go up and find a mate? I'm playing on the oppressor's field - not one I've created.

But, what i I play on the field by my rules? Am I bound to be hurt physically? Maybe ridiculed? tied to a fence and let to die like Matt Sheppard?

It is that that scares me - not the rejection - or maybe the ear of coming out and rejection at the same time. Asking another guy out who I don't know at a "non-gay" place carries so many risks with it, that are just well so utterly amazing.

Its amazing but if/when I ask someone out in those contexts one possible outcome I have in the back of my head that I have to consider is that I've asked someone who would consider killing me because of hat?

Does society realize thats where at least I come from? I would gander that I'm not the only one.

Death should not be something that I see as a possibility when I ask someone out, straight people don't have to deal with it so why should I?

Because I am one and weak without others.

Thats depressing but a true thing to say about myself.

---

I still would at this very moment not choose to be gay. although it is part of me that I cherish. I know my strength comes from my pain, my experience - those dreams are the ones that keep me going.

Where is the me in that? Thats a big kahunah of desire with lots o desire chains leading up to it. Its such a overriding desire of mine that I cannot deny myself it because it is one o the major things that defines me. That i what keeps me reaching and straining for.

---

I've drained myself of thoughts again, hopefully the idea brand gas station won't be so overly demanding to me next time

Offended

The gas station was kinder. I attempted to order a Zebra here at Starbucks and I got corrected to the technical name - a 1/2 white chocolate 1/2 chocolate mocha. I asked why and they said a customer took offense to it.

While I don't feel a need to be offended but I'm quite sure there are things that offend my sensibilities that I've just been conditioned to accept. The phrases "thats just the way it is," "oh thats what the majority is," "Its nothing worth getting upset about" are all phrases to lull myself and others into accepting the status quo.

Okay thats a big idea and a big change. I need to think more about integrating that.

Well apparently I've acquired a high efficiency engine.

February 18, 2003

Work/Conference

Well... Here we go. I got off of work two hours ago, and I've been wasting time at Kinko's and the computer lab at school... (My laptop is dead) I'm getting used to the fact of working 40+ hours a week. I'm not doing it yet, but its coming...

I feel like I should have a diarrhea session to decompress everything I learnt at the conference. But well .. I'm just too tired to start thinking about it all... the conference still has me wiped out.

I'm gonna get to it soon.. maybe tomorrow or so..

February 19, 2003

A Simpler Way

Okay, I started reading A Simpler Way again. It's been five years since I last read it.

The first time I read it I was totally lacking the appropriate skills and perspective to read it. First of all, I didn't realize at the time that it was philosophy. I thought it seemed a little too bullshitty at the time, and I just read it to read it. Nothing more.

Now I read the beginning of it at Starbucks. It makes a lot more sense. (It's amazing how being five years older can change your perspective on things.) The biggest thing I got from the beginning of what I read is allow yourself to play and explore and find solutions that work although they don't have to be the best solution.

Also, one of the things I need to get rid of or at least temper is my Darwinian mindset, that I have to be the best, because only the best survive. This according to the author is false. I would tend to agree with this. If only the best could survive, people of lower economic classes and whatnot wouldn't survive, which doesn't happen.

Okay, I'm trying to relate this to dating and the Adventures in Queer Relationshipland workshop at the conference this weekend. (It was amazingly over attended.) Okay and I thought I had a way to relate them, but I don't. So there. Okay, well maybe I do, I think the thing in dating is to find what works for you. While it would be wonderful to find someone with every quality I'm looking for, I might find someone that's great for me that's not really who I'm searching for. I think the thing is I need to look at dating less seriously, and be more playful. (Play is one of the central concepts to the authors of A Simpler Way) I'm gonna fail, and I think I need to realize that failure isn't bad in and of itself.. Learn, go try again and see if another connection works.

Hmm... also I found it interesting that the authors assertion that we self organize. I wonder what would happen if I started working on my Gay mentors program idea on the web? Would people come and help me out, or should I be all corporate and bring the right people on board and make it much more complex than it needs to be at first? I'm gonna go with the start it approach and hope people follow...

Well... time to update some webpages.. So until then, I'm gonna be queer, and play a bit.

Re: Life Sucks

This is in response to Life Sucks

Sometimes it's just not meant to be, and we can't explain it.

There are three people who I will always love and care about deeply. They each have found their own special place within my heart and they will all stay there, in quiet deep place within my heart.

But I cannot let them stay out, I need to tuck them away, shield them from my psyche and know that it will always hurt, and tuck that away, but still remember the great times I've had, and cherish that.

Spirtuality

Okay, I've been thinking a lot about spirituality along with all the other stuff floating in my head. This is the one that is demanding to be written tonight.

The conference seemed like sort of a spiritual type thingy. That place that I think other people call a soul got recharged. I don't like the word soul because of the religious implications. Maybe inspiration or energy well... That's a better term.

Okay so the conference recharged my energy and inspiration well. The last time I really remember feeling like this with just going somewhere was when I attended the Unitarian Universalist meetings in Atlanta. It's been the first time in a long time that I wanted to go to a place of worship.

So I've thought about going to the UU meetings on a regular basis, its just Sunday morning has traditionally been reserved as my day to sleep in. I only get one a week, and I'm gonna take this one damnit!

So, now we have the eternal economic debate. Is the opportunity cost (not sleeping in) worth going to the UU meeting.. I think I need to go to find out, because I remember being inspired and filled when I went to the UU meetings in Atlanta.

February 20, 2003

Paths

I ran into a Upper School friend of mine at the conference, so I felt a need to pull out my Yearbook and look through it. I noticed the quote next to my picture, which I picked:

"People take different roads seeking fuillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost." - H. Jackson Browne

I remember picking that quote because Miami Valley was a place of lots of highly focused people, everyone had seemed to figure out their life plan by their Junior year, and lots of people were on their way towards being engineers, lawyers, and doctors. I was worried they'd all have a tendency to get narrowly focused and look down at the people who aren't as focused as them.

So, the question is I've been on a path that I believe I've chosen, but in lots of ways I've just chosen one off the shelf. I'm as guilty as those who pointed to become a doctor long ago.

I think the reverse of the quote is also true, Even if your on a different road, still might mean your lost, and not on your path towards fufillment and happiness.

---

Okay, so I just rationalized why I've decided to find another path and get on it. I think the biggest thing I've come to realize is that clinging to the same path even when its not working isn't a good idea. Thats an idea I need to explore more through A Simpler Way, and further investigation.

Well I've gotta work tomorrow morning, so goodnight.

February 21, 2003

Sneaky

I was just doing some morning housekeeping (hey I'm a college student, its morning till 4pm) and I snuck two old entries in that I wrote on paper this past weekend. They are Pissed/Oppressed and Offended.

I'm not sure I agree with them right now, but they are entries I need to meditate over... Although unfortunately they're on a server in NYC and well I'd probably get arrested for bringing candles and whatnot into the server room.

February 22, 2003

Local Cares vs. Global Cares

Okay, so I had an interesting idea about the news.

Why should I care that 90-some people in New Hampshire died in a fire in a club? So what? Now we're going to go through this whole deal of what is needed in clubs, of course this story made the news only because of the Chicago trampling.

But seriously, the media is just out to scare us all and get us to tune in. I believe this is the problem with corporate media -- not money per se, but a desire to get us to tune into the newscast or buy their newspaper or magazine. Its not the money directly but the necessity that they feel the need to be watched or read. Thus they distort whats out there to get our eyeballs.

Fundamentally I see this as irresponsible journalism. Journalists should seek to inform not to be watched. This is a fundamental paradox of news in this country. Its gotta be paid for but it has a public responsibility. Maybe we need to go back to the days of news being a loss leader. News for news's sake, just like art for art's sake.

Interdependence and Interconnectedness

I'm stuck thinking about stuff I was considering junior year. Ummm... thinking about how we're all interdependent and connected and umm ... and how none of us can exist without each other. Ummm as much as people do end up existing umm without people they still exist with plants and animals that evolved together.

Umm I'm thinking about blogging and the same thing its interesting, but ummm as much as the internet is isolatatory blogging is a direct response to that ment to bring people together into webs and networks and become interdependent in someways ... umm my weblog ... or my eJournal doesn't exist without the others around it. Its my own its my own thing given that ummm I pull from Tommy's and Shawn's at times and Dana's also my freshman friend and (exhale) even RuPaul's weblog which is wonderful.

(The phone ran out of memory at this point)

February 24, 2003

To Whom it May Concern

I unhesitantly and without any reservations recommend Shawn Walker as a potential boyfriend and husband.

He ranks as on of the most unique, interesting, kind-hearted, insightful, and self-less people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

All I ask is that you bestow as much kindness and care on him as he bestows on you.

If you happen to be the man with whom he clicks with and you click with him, hold onto him and cherish your time with him; he is one in a million and your chances of running into one of the other 200 some in this country are slim to none.

Reflexively you could also be that special person for him or not - that person is out there and see if Shawn is that person. If he is not do both of you the favor by moving on, it is the best thing you can do for your psyche.

I wish you the best of luck and remember take care of him, he is a very special person.

With care and respect,
Nicholas Barnard

Snow's Nexus

I just drove to school from work, to use the computer. (My laptop is still in Tennessee, but is now fixed and awaiting shipping back to me, and my server at home sucks.)

Its snowing in the wonderful state of Ohio right now. And luckily not too many people were on the road so I fiddled with putting my high beams on in my car.

I was instantly struck with the feeling of speeding through space pretending to be Captain Picard (except I didn't have my needle and thread) I found it quite mesmerizing staring into the void of rushing snowflakes in front of me. Knowing that they wouldn't hit me but would instead just zip past my windshield, missing me.

Often I'm am an anti technologist when it comes to enjoying nature. Give me a simple camera, boots and just warm clothing and I'm happy enjoying the outside, but every once in a while, I'm amazed to see how technology changes and enhances/distorts our reality into becoming something more interesting.

Nature and science need to work together, because they are both from the same root of play and exploration, just in differently organized ways.

February 25, 2003

Which rule book?

I'm reading a book of critical writings of Michael Crichton's work.

Two Quotes:

"If you believe you will succeed, or fail, or be victimized or gain power eventually you probably will. (p. 98)"

"This attack of victimization has grown in American society since Sphere was published in 1987." (p. 98)

The question is: Am I a victim?

I'm thinking about my entry oppressed a lot. I dunno. I know I am not a victim that is not a mindset I've found to be useful, but I have been a victim in the past.

As to being oppressed I would have to say that my generation is less oppressed and more free than previous generations, but I still feel reasonable and justified in saying that I'm not fully free. I'm still playing within the constraints that the dominate culture has placed on me. Asking me to live outside heterosexual is asking me to move into a different culture, say Ghana. I am as accustomed to living in heterosexual as I am living in the US; They are almost all I know.

Even when I'm in the "gay" world we play by heterosexual. top is a synonym for who will play the common heterosexual male role, and bottom is a synonym for who will play the common heterosexual female role.

We can't even have sex without brining heterosexuality into the bedroom! Hows that for oppression and playing by the oppressor's rule book?

Even some of our other terms directly refer to heterosexuality. "Butch" is a synonym for well built and masculine. Queeny is hyper-femine.

This is not to say we don't have "natural queeny" moments or "natural butch" moments but all in all a good majority of these tend to be acts to emphasize one's masculinity or femininity. What about promoting one's gayness or inner-self?

Of course the question is what is your inner self? I think we all spend a great deal of time as teens doing that searching attempting to find out what it means to be gay and then find a way to "be gay" and then forget about being yourself.

This is not some random believe I have - I've observed the desire to "be gay" in the younger members of our community go through this.

In fact most gay people to through a phase where they feel a need to assert to the whole world that they're gay even in spots where it doesn't matter. In my younger years I made a point of asserting that I was gay while playing cards online.

I guess more of this boils down to that we need to examine heterosexuality and ourselves and figure out how we react and conforrm to stereotypes and make a point to be ourselves, not what homo- or hetero- sexuality demands of us. Only then will we be free.

February 27, 2003

War Fest!

Where are our political leaders? Aren't they supposed to be representing me?

There are many people including me who are against the military action in Iraq. Where is our voice in congress? Why are we just on a narrow and unrelenting train to war with Iraq? Iraq is more of a threat? Seriously Iraq was minding its own business and totally not on the radar map till Bush's administration leaked the war plan with Iraq and people started debating why not have a war with Iraq? And it snowballed.

We've forgotten about Afghanistan and now we're going to go to war with Iraq and we're prepping for a war with North Korea. Well who is next? I'm all for going to war with Texas. Why not? I mean really you have a state that turns out trash like bush we don't really need it. We should go to war with Texas because look at the threat that the leaders there have wrought upon the world? We can't let that kind of evil go unchecked. We need to cleans the world of evil. While we're at it lets declare war on Washington DC during the State of the Union address. Thats a good way to clean out the moral problem with this county. Then we can get some real leadership that cares about the people and not just oil and big corporations. Of course we'll have the issue of corrupt state governments and local governments but I think that we can confine them to work in our local McDonald's because we all know they're understaffed.

So what should we do if we can't conquer Iraq and Texas wont work? Lets go after Alaska, at least they've got oil.

March 02, 2003

I've won!

No, not the lottery, but its almost as good.

What have I won?

The battle of the laundry. Yes indeedy, while there are still a few dirty stragglers holding out hope in my hamper all of my clothing is clean. I think this is about the only time I've ever had this happen.

I've learned a few things though:

1. I own way too much underwear (they're the gay man's equivalent to women's shoes, what can I say? I need variety!)
2. I also have way too many socks. (I went on a buying spree after being forced to wear the same pair for about two weeks.)
3. While I've won one war, I'm now fighting the battle of storage, where the hell do I put all this? (sigh, you see war never is a good thing.)

Okay just a fun little jaunt into my psychotic world!

Broke

I'm broke. Broker than I've been in quite a while. The extent of my fiscal liquidity is the change that is upstairs in my change tray. Pathetic? yes I know.

So in the spirt of my underpaid collegeness, I'm accepting donations. Please only donate if you enjoy reading this, if its meaningless or just annoying, don't feel a need to. While donating doesn't get you any special services (except maybe a surprise on your credit card statement!) it does make me a bit happier and gives you the satisfaction of helping out a future leader.

So how can you do this you ask? I accept donations one of two ways:

1. Via PayPal - they're snazzy, will accept your Visa, Mastercard, Discover, American Express, or even debit your bank account! Plus they're easy to use!
2. Via Amazon.com, you can get me something off my Wish List or a Gift Certificate.

If your wanting to donate via another method, drop me a message and I'll get right back to you.

March 04, 2003

The Meaning of Life

What is the meaning of Life? Of course many people fail to realize this is a trick question. Its not something that someone else can answer. There are as many answers to the question as there have been people. (Therefore there are several billion different answers)

The real question to answer is what is the meaning of my life?

I honestly don't know. This is the question I've been pining at for quite a while in different ways.

I know I want an answer, concrete and unequivocal. That is my logical plodding side at work, always trying to come to an answer that is concrete and meaningful.

Of course this is as productive as attempting to find the right pair of glasses by walking up to people and trying their glasses on. You might get the right prescription but by that time your eyes will be so tired and worn out that they won't matter.

---

Okay lets back up a step. Why does there have to be meaning to my life? Why can't I just be one of the mindless automatons wandering through this world, a working stiff? Instead I'm stuck with the curse/gift of being a philosopher.

---

Why is it that we "find meaning" in our lives? Isn't it possible to create meaning? I dunno.

I know Charlie Kauffman, William Irvine, and Susan Orlean would argue that meaning is finding something to do and doing it passionately.

I'm reminded of the scene from Adaptation Susan Orlean and the gardner create a dial tone together over the telephone each by humming the 1/2 of the bitonal sound. Strangely enough this is one of the most powerful scenes in the movie. Two people in such inexplicable simple means, but intertwined and at that time inseparable.

Is it a pathetic denial of my potential to say that finding someone to be the other half of my dial tone is the meaning I seek in my life?

In some ways I feel like Heidi from The Heidi Chronicles constantly and consistently asserting "I believe everyone has the right to fulfill their potential." as an empty and hollow refrain. In the end to constantly search for meaning through degrees, the woman's movement, and whatnot only to find it in adopting a child. Hmm food for thought.

---

Why the hell am I programmed to want and desire one person or one cause to be devoted to?

---

So I'm stuck with a paradox. I'm set up with a set of urges that in the end hurt myself emotionally.

While I've said in the past its the risk that makes it worth it, I'm not so sure. I wanna say no reward is worth this risk. I'd rather habitually play the lottery, it is less stressful with more predictable losses.

Love seems to be the only thing where you can lose more than you put in. I'm not sure I want to make the investment again.

Spat On

I just sent the following email to Lambda Union's advisors and executive board:

---

To whom it may concern:

This email is to inform you of my revocation of any and all assistance that I had been providing to Sean Sandefer, Lambda Union's Webmaster, in learning the ropes of and maintaining Lambda's website.

It is unfortunate that I must do this, because I had quite enjoyed assisting Sean in properly learning the ropes of the website. I am doing this in response to the removal of the link to my personal web page from the nicholasbarnard.html file. This link was properly flagged with the university disclaimer.

As the current executive board has seen fit to completely expunge any conflicting views, I must stop providing any support to Lambda Union, even the limited support I was providing Sean. This is especially disheartening given that the organization saw fit last year to award me with Plaque signifying my commitment to Lambda Union's Mission.

In the best of all theatrical traditions I wish Lambda Union the best of luck.

In regret that I ever cared,
Nicholas Barnard

---

Well, thats it. Lambda Union has done the last thing I think they can do to piss me off.

Damnit, I want to be associated with them, but well there is nothing like just getting kicked even when you've gotten out of the way.

Sigh. well nothing like caring and getting hurt for it, I've gotten pretty good at it.

March 05, 2003

Keep Moving

If you asked me ten minutes ago where I was going in life I would've said nowhere or maybe I would've said circles.

But, I just read my journal from my New England Immersion. While I wouldn't say I'm a totally different person I am no longer the confined 17 year old boy that I was.

I was so closeted back then at least two journal entries dealt with being gay. I had forgotten that I cam out Junior year.. I usually say senior year was when I came out. That is when I came out to my parents, but I was partially out at school junior year. To this day I'm amazed that it didn't spread like wildfire across campus.

The thing that is most amazing to me is that I am amazed at how scared I was to be myself, to be out and be open. While in all actuality I don't proclaim to the world all my interests (thats what the PeJournal is for) But to those close to me and who I know won't use it against me I will tell about anything. I'm much more open than I used to be.

---

I also got that picture of a teenager desperate for connections to people. That Still really hasn't changed, except I would say I'm looking for meaningful connections.

---

In looking at my journal I would say that it was a seminal time for me in my life.. I see there the decisions and observations that I made that shape the man I am today.

I need to know that I am moving forward, even when it doesn't appear to be so; I am moving forward.

Blog vs. eJournal

When I first set this eJournal up I had a small argument with Shawn as to what to name this. I insisted on calling it an eJournal and he insisted on calling it a blog.

This blog concept interested me a bunch so like any good college student I went to the library to find stuff to read. I came up with We've got blog a collection of articles and blog entries published on the net concerning blogging...

This is an eJournal - and not a blog - I'm definitive about that now. One of the recurring themes in the book is that links are the driving force of blogs (hence why its derived from the older geek speak web log. i.e. the log of where I've been on the web.) My eJournal, while containing links is not driven by them. My comments are not subservient to the link, the links are subservient to my comments. Therein defines the difference between weblogs and eJournals - whether the links or the comments are subservient. If the comments are subservient to the links its a weblog, if the links are subservient to the comments its an eJournal.

March 06, 2003

Zoning Considerations

I've been pulling my stakes up, yanking myself away from lots of things. This is the first time that I can think of that I was so deeply involved in something or so many things and I voluntarily started pulling up stakes. Usually I want to keep my stakes in the ground my contacts intact for as long as possible. But in this situation I've been packing - pulling up as many stakes as possible. I am now divorced from WSU the institution, I've separated from PFlag Dayton (Despite the fact that I'ven't told them) and I've pitched Lambda out of my life, and I've even stopped seeing my counselor.

I've burnt out from my life lots of things that were zapping my energy. I've done this after realizing the situation I was in wasn't working for me, and I've embarked upon a path of self exploration and self discovery. I've decided to dye my hair blue, revitalize my web presence and focus on me.

But I know that I don't have the ability to remove myself from people all together. an interesting Quote from A Simpler Way: "When we link up into others, we open ourselves to yet another paradox ... while surrendering some of our freedom, we open ourselves to even more creative forms of expression. This state of being has been described as communion ... the means of who we are changes through our communion with [others]. We are identifiable as our selves. [sic] But we have discovered new meaning and different contributions, and we are no longer the same."

The question is: is this - or was the person I was who I wanted to be? I would have to say no. I'm someone while I'll thrive for excellence I will not go too far above and beyond what is expected of me unless there is a clear incentive to; just doing the work excellently is not enough in and of itself.

I guess herein is one of my problems - I live for others not for myself, well not true but when functioning in the world I go for meeting expectations not exceeding them, unless I get something for it.

But back to the point. I don't like the person I've become at WSU - sliding in trying to get enough to get by but not trying for excellence.

If you look at life as creating a building I'm knocking down the old one and placing in the foundation for the new one. I'm hoping this time I can get a skyscraper, or at least a nice sized office building instead of the grocery store/shopping mall that I've had.

March 08, 2003

The Shawn Standard

Over the past few days I've decided that I'm going to remain single (barring any really cute, intelligent, romantic guy falling in my lap.) for a while... probably till I leave Ohio.

I'm still amazed how hung up I am on him. I was talking talking to Tommy on my lunch break. He's on his way to meet his ex for the weekend either to fuck or get back together (one of the two -- he's not sure.) but he kept going on and on about how he was so happy. the funny thing was the more and more he talked the more and more depressed I became. I guess I'm experiencing disschadenfreude: displeasure derived from other's pleasure.

But back to the issue at hand. Taking off from dating and remaining single.

My reasons for this are what I've come to call "The Shawn Standard" for lack of a better name. But some history is in order.

My first real sexual attractions were over the net -- no not chatting that wasn't on the net proper yet. [IRC yes, but I didn't use it - 3/10] The thingy about porn is its the top 0.5% of guys - both in looks and positions and it doesn't tell very much about emotional states and the people -- you just get an image to objectify.

So naive me when I first started dating I was wanting my porn ideal. I'd for some reason assumed that we'd be able to build a meaningful relationship.

Well then I started dating and from about the first date on my standards have been on a general downward trend with the exception of the last year where the guys I was dating were just mediocre and all decided not to date me. I was more than happy to stay with any of them and date some more, but in hindsight I was making do, settling for someone because he was better that no one.

And then came Shawn.

I spent a long time while I was dating Shawn saying that I didn't deserve him, and the people around me fed into my delusion by saying that "its always that way with the one." And me deluded by hormones and lots of emotions believed that. Not only was Shawn someone he was someone who was more than just filling the void of "no one."

So here is "The Shawn Standard". The person I'm going to date is going to be as right for me and as Intelligent, kind, cute, caring, funny, dorky, and intellectually curious as Shawn. As self-centered and well narcissistic as that may sound I deserve someone with those qualities. If I accept someone of who isn't "the one" then I'm doing myself a disservice and honestly I'm doing the other person a disservice by lying to them and distracting them from their search.

So thats where I've got "The Shawn Standard"

P.S. Follow Marshall's and Dorian's advice -- especially number eight -- Don't turn every date into a "Will this be the one assessment."

Well All I know is i've got a lot to learn about dating.

March 11, 2003

What keeps us apart?

What is it that divides us from each other?

While we all have different backgrounds and different stories we all have the ability to connect to one and other. We all have struggles, good days, bad days, childhood struggles and things that we'd like to change about ourselves and others.

This all comes from our history which shapes who we are today by the by the experiences we have had both directly by remind then using as a guide and indirectly via experience.

I had a conversation with a sixty some year old African American woman who I work with. We're friendly but don't talk much because of the nature of the job. But today we sat in the break room together and chatted.

We had genuine laughs and connected as people.

I then started thinking what keeps us apart? In actuality nothing. I could throw out a bunch of bullshit answers and then explain why they're false but I'll spare you the philosophical exercise.

Then the question is if there is nothing dividing us what is there dividing me and a terrorist/guerrilla/freedom fighter? Well language and location separate us but those can be overcome by modern technology.

What separates us are artificial divides placed by people for some reason usually for the advantage of a military or leaders.

The basic steps are simple: divide and dehumanize; a more insidious version of divide and conquer because while your enemy with divide and conquer is still someone you in theory can know, in divide and dehumanize by definition the enemy cannot be known because they are not human and not on "our" level.

Look around its used a lot on Soviets during the Cold War, Germans during WWII, homo-attracted and bi-attracted people for a long time, terrorists, drug dealers during the "war" on drugs, African Americans pre-civil war/pre-civil rights/pre 3/11/03. (oops, did I just imply that we're pushed not to see African Americans as human?)

So whats the way to get out of this? Make people human by talking with them one on one or in groups.

While best left to individual connections there are a few notable structured programs such as Dayton Dialogue on Race Relations and Hello Peace | Hello Salaam | Hello Shalom that come to mind.

So to answer Rodney King's famous line "can't we all just get along?"

Yes. If we talk.

March 13, 2003

Risk, its not just a board game

How do you know what love is?

I had someone break up with me after three weeks of dating because I used the word "love" in reference to him.

I'd been backdooring the "l" word in by using it to describe specific qualities that he had.

So I used the "l" word and three days later we were "Just Friends." How can someone decide something like that that fast? I just don't really know.

God this still hurts on a much lower level like hell.

So now I'm at a point that I don't want to date because I don't want to invest my energy in closeted ohio guy just to get hurt.

Fuck it just boils down to that I want Shawn I want him to reconsider to try again.

Hell I'd give my left nut for a second chance (and my left nut is the one I value more!)

I have been searching to figure out why I feel a need to find some good man and settle down and start a family. I've not been able to figure out why this exists within me as far as I can tell its a priori - it is in and of itself. Evolutionary psychology doesn't help in explaining it. It just is.

Its great how things are set for me to just hurt myself. I know this will take an adjustment on my part.

Of Course I've previously said what makes it worth it is the risk.

I don't want to risk this again.

March 16, 2003

Agnostic Faith

I just finished Contact This is one book that I can say is a good as the movie and vice versa. Not to belittle either one; they're both excellent for their medium and year created.

The question Carl Sagan wants us to consider is "What is faith?" And how does it apply to scientific/philosophical thought?

In some ways faith is like stoicism applied to the future. Wherein that what needs to happen will happen. I don't think that means pre-determinism thought. Everything is not predetermined, but in the end things will turn out for the best, even if things don't go the way I want.

I guess you could say that I have faith that the future will turn out for the best. Well I'd have to say for my personal life at least, and well even past that. I'm convinced whatever the asshole in chief does can be undone or corrected in 10-20 years time.

Okay so there it is if faith is the only component required of religion then I have it. Whoo! Hoo!

But I'm still an agnostic.

March 17, 2003

Convictions (and Roommate NEEDED)

My life has been fine if not a bit mundane. But I'm enjoying the lack of drama and commotion. So there's nothing new and interesting really. So we'll promptly proceed to political drivel after these messages.

---

Roommate for an apartment in Fairborn Ohio. Flat rate $400 per month inclusive of everything except telephone service. For more information contact nickb@pobox.com

---

I was a sideline observe on an argument between two coworkers at work today over Iraq and terrorism and that whole rigamarole.

I of course am still anti-war, nothing new there.

What Amazed me was the conviction of both people arguing. They were both sure that they were right; that their position was true. Logically of course it is impossible for two opposing positions to be true.

Okay while I honestly I'm overstating their faith in their positions, but they both were quite sure they were correct.

I never am honestly sure I'm right or what I've determined is the truth. Sometimes, well a lot of the times I see this as a flaw, a weakness. But honestly, its a strength, a lack of dogmatism (i.e. no position is held strongly enough that I cannot give it up.)

I think this is the major flaw I see with Bush. He is a man of conviction, there is no doubt in his mind that he is right. This is not just my opinion but one that I borrowed from a respected philosophy professor of mine who is a Bush supporter.

The question is should a man who had been opposed by his peers consistently be allowed to wield one of the most powerful militaries on the planet? (no)

Usually peer pressure is thought of as negative. But it it isn't. There is positive AND negative peer pressure.

Okay but should we trust a man who cannot think he could be wrong?

Honestly someone who is so convicted in a company would be fired. If you had a harebrained idea unsupported by all your peers, your vice presidents, etc who thought it wouldn't work. He'd be thrown out by the Board of Directors or shareholders. Unfortunately in this case he's scared all of us or at least enough of us into not speaking our minds so we've already left America. So I doubt its worth defending this America, perhaps there is another one that we can create and once again be free. But I doubt it will happen with Bush in office.

March 18, 2003

Sailing

I've gotten really good at moving on.

I had my last appointment with my counselor yesterday. Its not the last because we're done, but its the last because I'm leaving WSU and she's a student counselor; the center she works at is only for students. I'm not a student anymore so I can't see her anymore.

Usually this isn't a problem for me, leaving a counselor isn't something to fret about. I've left so many, some because I was moving and some because I'd reached a point where they weren't necessary by mutual agreement.

But a funny thing happened on the way to wherever the hell I'm going. (The forum is over rated.) Jo and I crossed that line from just counselor and client to somewhere between just a counselor and a full fledge friend. This is not to diminish the spot she has moved into, its just special and unique.

I dunno... I made a point when leaving while walking down that hall together to get a bit in front of her and not look back. I'd already said goodbye and I didn't wanna look back.

---

When I left the only home I knew, Binghamton, NY, when I was 12 for Dayton, Ohio. I wanted to go back and I did.

While physically I went back to Binghamton, I never have actually bone back in the interpersonal sense. The people I used to hang out with have changed, I've changed, and things are just different. Whatever you want to go back to you can't; its ethereal, its gone. So I've got one way to go: forward. Thats it. there are no redos in life, as much as we would like there to be.

---

Today I talked with Jo about where I'm going the path I'm going on. Well I'm scared shitless that I'll end up nowhere, not in school, single, lonely and without purpose or direction. But Jo extended my nautical metaphor.

I've pulled up my anchors in the harbor of Dayton, Ohio, and while I've not left the storm barrier I'm wandering out to the open ocean to find another harbor, hopefully one in a Cuba, perhaps writer's paradise.

Between here and there I'm expecting a few storms, lots of nice beautiful days, but above all it should be an interesting time. And hey, I might even get a TAN!

March 19, 2003

Inside out? or Outside In?

Am I an American?

By every common definition of the word, yes I am. I was born here, have never taken residence outside the US, and only spent maybe a total of two weeks outside the country.

But in some ways I've never felt a sense of belonging to an "American" ideal. Don't get me wrong, I vote, I participate in political discussions, my credit card bills conform that I have mastered American consumerism and borrowing habits, and I enjoy a good old fireworks show like anyone else.

But I still in someways feel like an outsider. It might be that I'm an outsidere to Ohio, and given this as my primary frame of reference during the past eleven years and four months or so. So it may just be that I'm an outsider to Ohio, but until I live all over the place, I don't think I can know. So I'll just assume that I feel like an outsider to all America and not just Ohio.

Of course, I might feel like an outsider because I'm gay, but I also feel like an outsider in the "gay community."

But to the point that got me started on this. I'm reading Why do People Hate America? The statement that "[America] is a nation that has developed a tradition of being oblivious to self-reflection."

So if being an American is being unable or unwilling to engage in self-reflection then I am not an American.

But then the question if by that definition I'm not an American, what am I?

I'm not sure.

Of course a better question is why do I feel a need to identify with a country? I feel much more comfortable and appropriate identifying myself as a citizen of planet Earth than any nation state. (Not that I wholly believe or disbelieve in aliens.) I believe that way is less divisive, and more productive.

There is precedent for the transition from nation-state citizenship to world citizenship. At one time people made the transition from being a North Carolinian to becoming an American. Europeans perhaps are undergoing a similar transition from being Frenchmen, German Citizens, or British Subjects to being known as a Citizen of the European Union.

You see the political problems of this is that if we're world citizens its much harder to find ways and grounds on which to divide us. (not that this will totally stop divisiveness.)

I guess the unfortunate thing is there are no legal protections as a "world citizen" thus I'm stuck being an inside outsider.

"I Love You"

I've got a strange job. On a daily basis "I'm" yelled at, sworn at, given credit card numbers and told "I love you" several times a day. Well not me really, I'm a Communications Assistant, I relay calls for deaf and hard of hearing people, but it does of course go through my hands and my ears.

There is this one couple and the guy is the voice user. He says "I love you" with so much care and sincerity. Even though I wish he was really saying it to me, it feels good to hear it.

I wish more people said "I love you" to me. I want to see that in others so I should do it more myself.

Hmm The Beatles should have written "All you need is I Love You"

March 21, 2003

Musings about governments, the net, and rigidity

One of the major things the Internet taught us is that if you put a lot of smart people together and give them access to as much information as possible, really cool and amazing things happen.

Look at all the open source stuff out there, lots of it started with one or just a few people who knew each other then moved online and then made everything open and available to everyone. Its given us some of the most robust and reliable software.

Its also a good way to organize governments, if you think about it long ago it was the only way people got together and got things organized. Early Athenian government everyone had access to a similar level of information.

While at the moment I don't think we have the most stingiest government with information they are nowhere near the most liberal.

---

Open information fosters innovation including "negative" innovation. Whatever your opinion on 9-11 is you've gotta admit it was damn innovative. Why build a bomb when they're already in the air and just need to be steered? This information mind you isn't new, the Japanese used it during WWII.

So what if terrorists are using sixty some year old techniques? The government sees the road to safety is planning as much as possible and seeking to prevent negative innovation.

But "Rigidly certain organizations die early. They collapse from the weight of the structures they've erected to hold themselves up." (p. 86 A Simpler Way)

So overly rigid countries die. Yes, look at The Roman Empire, The USSR, The Ottoman Empire. So why hasn't the US collapsed under all these structures? I would say a lot of it has to do with technology, but thats just a guess.

So what about the fact that rigid leaders and organizations are clearly moving in one direction?

One last quote:

Rigid identities give rise to rigid organizations. Initial clarity about direction becomes hard certainty about everything. such organizations feel unapproachable. They know the way the world works ... They stand in their certainties, suppressing disturbances, shooting messengers." (p. 86 A Simpler Way)

So eventually everything might collapse but then it is also possible that we might get a transformation, or a really good government out of a collapse.

March 23, 2003

Manifesto of Frivolity

We live our lives with far too much seriousness. We've been taught by either the protestant worth ethic or capitalism to take almost everything with seriousness. I personally remembering spending lots of time planning vacations to ensure the maximum amount of fun and relaxation, and while they resulted in lots of personal growth and meditative times they were some of the most exhausting weeks I've ever had. In addition, who can't remember at least one family vacation in which your mom or dad turned into the field trip teacher nazi from hell?

We need to live our lives with less sense of everything being deathly serious, and enjoy and look for the frivolous things in life. Why is too much trouble to act a little crazy while cooking or doing your laundry? Or singing strange songs to yourself about cleaning? or even, philosophic-ruler forbid while at work!

We spend so much being serious that stress is literally making us sick. The Holistic Online reports that the "American Medical Association stated that stress was the cause of 80 to 85 percent of all human illness and disease or at the very least had a detrimental effect on our health." If stress is making us sick why don't we do something about the stress? I don't know.

Children know intuitively how to deal with the stresses in their lives. They play, they laugh, and nothing is serious. If an adult is being silly or frivolous someone will invariably interrupt their fun by stating "why don't you just grow up?" Why must being serious being a synonymous part of growing up? Aren't we allowed to still be frivolous and still grow up?

Many would argue that an adult is someone who has grown beyond frivolity and is now serious, and while I will not deny that growing up us making being serious a greater part of your life, we have a tendency to over do it, being always serious, all the time. Why not say if a child is serious 30 percent of the time and frivolous 70 percent of the time why as an adult should we be serious 95 percent of the time and frivolous only 5 percent of the time? Why not follow our children's advice a little and be serious only 70 percent of the time and frivolous 30 percent of the time? Or even why not a 50/50 split?

Employers have acknowledged some of this by giving employees more flexibility in their schedules and tools like paid time off, but even in this your expected to be taking your paid time off for a serious purpose like an illness, dental appointment, or taking care of your sick children. Why can't you just take time off because you feel like it?

Companies also know that frivolity can create great ideas. Innovative corporate cultures have relaxed atmospheres where people have fun together. Take a look at Google as an example. When people are relaxed they're more productive. Smart companies know this, and create relaxing atmospheres, and they get results.

Life is to short to live seriously, so have fun, look for the frivolous and let yourself off the hook.

Things I've Learned

I've had a pretty lazy day so far today, but I've learned a couple of things.

1. Building a Soda Bottle Bioreactor is a much easier task that the instructions make it out to be.
2. Vegetables left in a plastic bag in your kitchen cease to have any recognizable form after about four or five weeks.
3. Mold comes in several different colors.
4. Even evil men like Saddam Hussein are still human and have feelings.
5. People who want to go to war don't give up.
6. America has had a track record of being pussyfooted with war's recently, not finishing them to the end.
7. Stupid people can be elected to very high ranking positions (okay, i didn't learn this today)
8. Don't rely on friends who have admitted history of procrastination to save you from your own procrastination, this is like asking an alcoholic to get another alcoholic to stop drinking.
9. Living alone had its advantages. (namely at the moment writing an eJournal entry half naked in the living room.
10. Having a roommate probably has advantages as well, and its always great to help out a friend.
11. Never doubt the ability of someone between the age of 16 and 25 to consume mass amounts of time sleeping.
12. Computers never do what you ask them to do the first time, even if they are UNIX based.
13. Putting things in the past symbolically is an interesting way of dealing with it.
14. Lists are a poor man's way to deal with things.

March 24, 2003

Wind Needed!

Sometimes you make decisions that for short periods you regret making, but you know are for the best.

I've decided not to date. I made this decision about the same time I wrote The Shawn Standard, but its taking a lot of mental strength and techniques to keep this up.

There are a few guys at work who I'm deathly in lust of, two of them are in relationships and the other two are (maybe?) straight.

I've never really realized how much looking and obsessing over guys I do until I've attempted to identify and attempt to reduce the number of times I am looking at a guy severely or lusting. The best technique I've used is a Buddhist method about thinking about disgusting parts of their bodies to dislodge the pleasurable thought. It works generally except the lust pops back in, so I'm playing yo-yo with peggish thoughts. (Its derived from a metaphor; when repairing a rotten peg in a peg construction house you push another peg into it, so the building doesn't collapse. Thus, the thoughts are pegs, and my brain the house.)

Of course now I am hoping that that guy just falls into my lap without effort on my part, but I'm not holding my breath.

Of course what I've done is replace one obsession namely lusting after physical guys, to lusting after mythical guys.

So now I'm stuck looking at every little possibility, although not as strongly. Okay so its strange always wishing that the next guy is dating material. At the moment I've developed a light crush on the guy on the phone right now.... So who's next?

Now I've got the question of how far to suppress these desires.

You know its ironic. One of the things that I've spent a great deal of time developing is my homoattracted side, figuring out what it means to be gay and what social rules of the gay world are, etc, etc.

What a strange paradox, but honestly I feel good about telling part of myself to take a back seat, because I've got many other sides that should show through.

Can anyone blow up a wind to blow these lust clouds away?

March 26, 2003

Shitting is not an Olympic Sport

The body is an amazingly finicky machine. its amazing with all the quarks it has that we're able to get through a day without having some major malfunction that puts us out of commission.

I was competing in the College Marathon then sleeping on Saturday. I went to bed at the perfectly normal (for third shift) time of noon and woke up at 3 AM sunday morning. (Missed all the partying! Damn!)

Finding nothing better to do I moseyed over to my desk and got on the Internet. this woke up not only my eyes, hands, and brain, but also my often neglected but oh so important (and often extremely pleasurable) colon. so I told the friend I was chatting with that I would be back in a bit, and made the journey to the sacred porcelain throne.

At first I graced the throne with my presence, but none of my pork remnant would allow themselves to be divested from my organ village.

During the past fifteen hours the first two pigs gave up their search for straw and sticks as they could find none in either the large or small Norad Ink Testing Centers. (You know the place where they test pens and printers for the officers to use in a biological attack.) As a result they joined in with their older brother Che Micali (I ate Middle Eastern food the night before.) With all the labor and the dehydratory nature of the Ink Testing Center they made a water reduced time and heat hardened carbon based structure, that was designed to withstand a massive contraction of Cheyenne Mountain.

So I sat down and not assuming the swine built superstructure I was expecting the usual post rest defecation process. I gave the usual squeeze but nothing moved, again I squeezed, but still nothing. Next I braced myself and gave it my full heave ho, still nothing.

I of course wasn't prepared for such a monumental effort so borrowing some techniques from Olympic athletes, I moved into a metatative state and visualized the three swine's structure leaving the Ink Testing Center. With this visual in mind, I gave it my best Olympic Winning/Guinness World Record/Emmy Award Winning/Tony Statuette Awarded/Stanley Cup Worthy/Emasculated Oscar Statuette winning effort and like a woman having a easy birth I bore down, gave it my best masculine sustained grunt and with all my force I pushed the carbon superstructure out of the Ink Testing Center.

But unfortunately the superstructure ended up rupturing the red transport liquid storage vesicles. Of course my only knowledge of this was an educated guess because the liquid was clinging to the superstructure as well as being on the white perforated cleansing material.

---

I spent a moment recovering from this record shattering event, then dethroned myself to examine the superstructure.

What I saw was a structure resembling the Great Wall of china, a majestic structure, but all together cobbled together incoherently and without care of beauty, but able to withstand the stresses of my Ink Testing Center and even perhaps the mighty communal branched networked waste disposal and processing network. But, unfortunately not even I have the Inktestinal fortitude to track shit through that system.

---

Tune in next entry where we explore the exploits of PEN15 and his trusty junior sidekick PEN1.5

March 31, 2003

Compulsive Morals

I often wonder who reads this. I point people to it every once in a while because well, it contains my thoughts, and why repeat myself continuously?

I just found out tonight from a friend that someone who I have an intense dislike for (if you have questions about who, read January's archives) reads this in an office compulsively. Why? Because I'm told he's paranoid about it.

Jesus, some people need a life, honestly, if your reading this just to see if I say something about you your a fucking narcissist. To that person, you don't matter to me, grow up and move on. If you haven't noticed I'ven't said anything about you since the end of January, and I've only mentioned the organization that we were both part of a few times.

Some people seem to think that they're the center of the world. Now, I comically say that I'm the center of the world (well because I am! ;-) but I honestly don't believe it. I went to the Human Race today to see Proof , and there was this old fart of a woman behind me who wouldn't shut up as the lights went down, I had to turn around and shh her then ask her to be quiet, now I'm the youngin (in this theatre at least) so I should be the one being asked to be quiet, not the other way around.

In other news, I got accused of spreading a rumor in an earlier entry just today. Now what about timeliness. If that person had asked me to take their name off at that time, I would've, and I just did today without being asked. It does raise an interesting ethical question, what is fair game to be mentioned in here and what is not?

I'm not quite sure where to draw the line. There are definitely things that I don't just tell everyone, but I'm on the very open side about things. The Private eJournal only has seven entries in two months of use, and a few of those are only in there because I didn't want to incur someone else's wrath. (To the previously mentioned "that person", no your not mentioned in the Private eJournal) Those are really things that I wouldn't want an employer to see. (I mean really, look at the last entry, if I took that much time writing about defecating, don't you think anything could go in here?)

In general anything goes in here, I leave sex out because well thats private, it needs to stay in the bedroom, and while my laptop does get in my bedroom, its off when THAT happens.

So the morals of my rants are:

1. I am the center of the world, tough shit if you think otherwise, if you think you matter to me you might not.
2. Shut the fuck up in the theatre, even if your older that 55 it doesn't give you carte blanche to speak.
3. There are limits for the eJournal
4. My iBook has either been protected or deprived from threesomes, take your pick.

April 01, 2003

Frogging around

I had a crappy day at work today. It was just long annoying and tiring. I ended up getting bitchy.

I had to go to Kinkos to make some copies, between work and there my mood changed incredibly.

What did I do? No, I didn't get road head (Not that I would've minded but, I'm not dating and i do my best hold only monogamous relationships.)

Nope, its music. I threw in my musical CD number one and started singing to "The Baseball Game", "Green Green Dress", "The Games I Play", and "What You Own." What is really amazing is how fast my bitchiness went out the window.

---

I'm sticking by my guns on this one, but I'm being continually fraught with feelings of loneliness. This is soon going to be the start of my fifth month alone in this apartment. Mike has said he is going to move in, and hopefully that'll happen.

I guess all in all it is. Hmm.. If I were green Kermit's song would fit, or maybe it does already. Its not easy being me...

April 02, 2003

Furtive Relaxing

I've been just meandering the past two days.. I've been off work from 10:30pm Monday through today, Wednesday at 6pm. Its a nice time. I've done some programming, finally, finally, finally gotten the apartment clean, and I've helped Mike out with moving. I've gotten the stuff to dye my hair blue, and I've done a good deal of web browsing too.

I visited the White Ribbon Campaign, a site about gay teen suicide. I also read about Robbie Kirkland and Bill Clayton. Stories like this and knowing people like my Freshman Friend are the reason I've done the work I've done with PFlag Dayton and Lambda Union. Instead both of these organizations seemed bogged down by bureaucratic stifling and top down command structures.

I've been reading a lot of Margaret Wheatley's work. She has a much more organic view of organizations than the mechanistic view that is so prevalent today. I'd like to look at it more, but I think this is the reason ACT UP was so successful. There wasn't a leader, everyone was equal more or less with only leaders by mutual consent. For that matter al Qaeda is successful for the same reason.

---

Okay a segue. I wish Star Trek: Deep Space Nine was still on the air, I think it gives a view of what being an underdog and a terrorist was like. I fundamentally have a hard time condemning terrorists out of hand like everyone else. To be brought to the need to kill people and cause destruction to get your point across you must have been ignored.

---

Okay and back. I need to find organizations that are more like the ones Wheatley describes. While I can and have navigated the dang mechanistic hierarchical system, and can set it up, I do not think I work well in them, I'm too much of an individualist and an independent thinker.

Well, thats it for today...

---

Oh, BTW, I started a WebLog, and if your wondering what the difference between a WebLog and an eJournal is look at Blog vs. eJournal.

April 05, 2003

Conformity

Okay, I've still got brown hair. Bummer. I've just been sortta busy. Been spending some time with Mike getting caught up and getting things figured out with Mike, he's moving in, and since we've been friends things should be good with him moving in the apartment.

---

I went to work wearing my goofy hat that I got from Disney World. I expected a bit more of a response to me doing something strange like that, but my co-workers didn't do anything abnormal. Tells me something about a disjunct between how I perceive myself and how others perceive me.

Hmmmmmmm. I'm not sure how the blue hair will go over. I know my mom won't like it, but thats to be expected.

What I'm doing is pushing an eccentricity and see what I come up with. I've been working on placing other's opinions in their place, giving them the weight they deserve and none more. All this stuff that other people care about are less important to me. I neither want to conform or be an alternate boi because that is conforming. this is why goth and alternative movements are disturbing, people are still trying to conform, just to something different. Why not think for themselves is that too much to ask?

April 07, 2003

Multiple Creativity Disorder

I watched one of my coworkers get pissed about one of our deaf customers because the deaf person "was an impatient SOB."

Funny thing is, is that I had the same person in the same mood the night before and I was calm and laughed at her.

Low and behold the same person just got the customer again and she and the same frustrated attitude.

I think so much of life is choosing your attitude. Just like I choose not to get pissed with bitchy callers, I can choose to have a good day. Even if that doesn't quite work, I can still chose to have a "fucked up" day in a positive way.

---

I've been spending most of my free time on writing a computer program. (specifically a way to manage Spam), Watching TV (My TiVo's been getting way ahead of me), Reading (unfortunately I'ven't found good books. I've recently started and putting down two books for lack of good writing/interest), and crocheting.

We've been undergoing something of a crocheting fetish at work. Why? I don't know.

Its sort of amazing but all crocheting is, is a bunch of loops of yawn looped inside of each other. This means you can undo it all by pulling on the unfinished one and it just keeps unraveling, pretty neat!

its the recursive function of sewing, it just keeps reusing and reusing the same method over and over again creating something larger. Ironically enough I wrote my first recursive function, specifically one that converts numbers to other bases.

Amazingly the crocheting is satisfying as well as the programming and writing. There are concrete visible products out of all of them. (Even if programming is just arranging bits in the right order.)

so far the programming has been easy. Maybe its because I'm being a little slower and more methodical. In someways its amazing to me any of this commercial software is workable with the stories I find at software companies with their 100 hour work weeks, all night programming sessions fueled by Mountain Dew and Pizza. I don't see how anyone can write accurate logical rules under those conditions. (thats all software is, a series of logical rules.)

I used to attempt it, but I'd end up having to go to bed because I got so frustrated and couldn't get it working properly. Invariably I'd end up having to go to bed, waking up and finding some stupid bug that I'd typoed in.

Another thing thats better about the programming is that I've really broken it down and made it modular and worked each piece down. Its strange but I've matured as a programmer. I'm no longer the slap dash throw it together kind of programmer I was. I think i've gotten better results out of it.

I'ven't seen the same out of my writing. Well maybe, I have one project that is in the "philosophical stage." I'm spending time exploring the issues behind it and what I want to say.

The thing I still don't know is how to be true to my characters. I worry that they're not true enough. I want to give them each a life of their own, but I'm too scared to try. I've given them my writer desired traits, actions and lines. They feel like puppets to me and not people. I think I need to worry about setting them free of me and see what they do. I need to act their life out to explore through it.

--- God, writing can be so much work sometimes.

April 08, 2003

Truth

I've started reading The Structure of Scientific Revolutions again. Its been almost exactly four years since I've read it.

In the second chapter Kuhn expounds upon Paradigm shifts. In that while "science" as we know it is characterized by agreement on most issues by scientists, (Yes there are arguments but the vast amount of scientific knowledge is mutually agreed upon by scientists.) it previously before the adaptation of paradigms was characterized by competing schools of thought that have since died out.

I think that this view could also apply to "desire management schools of thought" (i.e. Religions, and certain strains of philosophy.) While religions cover more area than just desire management. christian Science covers health and well being, Judaism covers dietary matters, Islam covers dietary and social relations, Buddhism covers lots of desires, Hinduism gets as detailed as to describing the proper way to take a crap, Unitarian Universlism has a very limited doctrine focusing on self-determined beliefs.

But are these all just compelling schools of thought that will eventually be replaced by a universal and bullet proof paradigm?

What I find frustrating about all of these is they are not fully explanatory or even attempt to be.

Ask a scientist to explain how Christian Scientist faith healing works and they'll either be dumbfounded or claim it is a hoax.

Ask a devout creationist to explain the dinosaurs and why all animals share DNA and fossils in general, they'll provide theories that place man and dinosaurs walking side by side which would've resulted in oral history.

---

(A side note if you accept as an Axiom that god exists and is an omnipresent and omniscient being the logic behind "god told me" or "because god made it that way" is impeccable.)

---

Ultimately Religion, Philosophy, and Science are all about finding the truth. None of them are the truth fully, but they all contain parts of the truth. Until we stop or at least drastically slow down the nasty war of beliefs that are being fought all over, it will be hard to get all these people together to find the truth.

This is why Contact is one of my favorite books/movies, is that it deals with this religion/science divide. Perhaps though as Carl Sagan hints at, they shouldn't be divided.

Blue

This just in! I've got blue hair! A little bit different shade that I wanted, but still awesome!

I'll get pictures up soon..

and its not even from American Express!

April 13, 2003

I'm a DAD!

Okay, not of a human baby, but I've got two kittens now. I probably have an ethical obligation to put kitten found posters up, because of the way I acquired them.

I was by the bike path and was just getting done bike riding and I said hi to the kitties, and started petting them, then they got in my car. I debated it for a bit, and well decided I've wanted kitties, and well these seemed to fall into my lap.

They were pretty good on the car ride home, and well it all seems good. I've still gotta get em food and a litter box, but I'll take care of those tonight.

April 16, 2003

Suicide Meditations

Why am I embarrassed that I attempted to kill myself?

In someways I think its a weakness. There is a limit upon after it is crossed life is no longer desirable.

Suicide per the textbook is the realization that one's coping skills are insufficient to deal with one's life.

I know I reached that point where I found where my limit was.

Ironically I responded not by going back to what I had done and doing it again, but by deliberately and methodically slashing, burning, and killing parts of myself that I found counterproductive, or unfulfilling. I responded to my complete suicide attempt by doing a targeted precision guided suicide mission.

i am determined to burn those bridges to my past and work on living again and rebuilding things in a manner that I hope I won't ever have such a great disjunct between my pain and my coping skills.

---

I did kill my old self so that an important core of me could live, so that I could go on.

I'm trying to be careful so I don't ever feel a need to do that again.

Nine months isn't enough

Okay I'm gitty -- Maybe its the dang cats walking me up thus I have a lack of sleep... This is a trial run for kids.

Oh the cats are girls, albeit I think they're lesbians, well I can dream can't I? (Wait, that's a straight man's fantasy! Dang those heterosexuals are infecting me, they're gonna turn me straight!)

---

Okay, seriously, I've been debating exploring my identity trying to figure out who I am -- well not as much who I am, but who I want to be.

I'm stuck on something I said my freshman year of college (okay I'm narcissistic, what do you want?) I was at the college's GLBT group, we were having a discussion and somehow we started discussing why Madonna was so attractive to the GLBT community. I hacked a documentary, and said something like "Maybe why Madonna is so admired by the gay community is that she is constantly reinventing her identity and coming out is rediscovering your identity." Okay I didn't think it was profound at the time and I am still a bit shocked by that people found it profound, but oh well.

---

I've been pondering who I should be? (I guess its a different version of "What should I do with my life?") I think I've got a pretty good handle on who I am, (Well as well as anyone.) but I'm trying to think about who I should be.

There is visual appearance, which at the moment is pliable. I've got turquoise hair at the moment. (Turquoise is a blue, but I'll be specific to appease anal retentive Spanish S2S CA's who've recently had dental work.... Those who don't understand, don't ask.)

I've got a new hair idea already in mind so I'm just going to play with it from here. I have to research the Cheshire cat though. (dang theatre habits)

But, back to the point... I want to be someone who is an intellectual in an intellectual community, works to build a community and isn't dicked over (re: Lambda) in doing it, and I'm able to do some good around me.

More of that is not who I want to be but who I want to be around to do what I want to do. I enjoy non-profit/student organization work, but I don't want to feel like I'm fighting a battle in the org to get things done then a battle in the community.

(Perhaps I shouldn't use the battle metaphor in thinking about this but it does seem correct.)

I want to be with people who will dream the status quo should never be good enough.

Is it really to much to ask that I be able to dream (practically) and want to see those fulfilled, or at least attempted?

In thinking about everything in the past five months dreaming is a constant thread.

[I stopped writing at this point and wrote the previous entry.]

I attempted to kill myself because dreaming had become painful.

I believe thats why I attempted suicide was because my core was attacked. My core is dreaming. My interest in so many things come out of my ability to dream. (Philosophy is the conundrum here, but it seems as if it is a tool toward the dream of understanding and having a meaningful life.)

---

I'm so utterly scared of ending up in the same spot I found myself on January 31st 03. No scared is too pussyfooted a word. I am terrified (that word has lost meaning since 91101) of repeating this path. Its a struggle of not being too terrified that I'm paralyzed but I'm worried about misstepping.

January 31st is the day I set fire to my old self and burned the forest of my life to the bare minimum. I hopped back into the womb of low stress and simplicity to incubate again. January 31st is my day of being reconceived. I have a perceived birth date of Fall 2004, but that can be moved.

Its time to enjoy the womb, but I also need to think about what I'm going to do here, I don't have DNA or a umbilical cord and mother's hormones to guide me.

I've got me to depend on.

Idiots Online

I have someone who is reading my eJournal and posting comments with a fake Hotmail address.

So I'll have to respond publicly here.

---

The first comment:

A new comment has been posted on your blog Nick's eJournal, on entry #107
(Pissed/Oppressed)
http://www.panix.com/~nickb/ejournal/archives/000107.html

IP Address: 142.154.214.157
Name: 5M0K3
Email Address: 559320htowsasst@hotmail.com
URL:

Comments:

Yeah we're all pissed... But you... Your gay man. AND yes society
does not like that, but you are threat to the masses of sheep pussy
fuckers out there.. Ok gay isn't excepted, GET OVER IT! Write about
something MORE IMPORTANT!

---

My response:

To: 559320htowsasst@hotmail.com
From: Nicholas Barnard <nickb@pobox.com>
Subject: Re: [Nick's eJournal] New Comment Posted to 'Pissed/Oppressed'
Cc:
Bcc:
X-Attachments:

Two things:
1. Who are you?
2. Who are you to say what I consider important and what I don't consider important?

Nick

---

The Second comment:

A new comment has been posted on your blog Nick's eJournal, on entry #108
(Offended).
http://www.panix.com/~nickb/ejournal/archives/000108.html

IP Address: 142.154.214.157
Name: 5M0K3
Email Address: 559320htowsasst@hotmail.com
URL:

Comments:

OK... Wtf is this site about anyway. Just a bunch of lamers posting their thoughts on our fucked up world... Yeah I think that's what it is. Good for you guys! Cheers yah bastards!

---

My response:

I will spare your stupidity. Its my eJournal (i.e. Electronic Journal) and your the one wasting time reading it.

Nick

---

I'm probably wasting my time on a prepubescent teenager but, oh well, there I gave him a platform, if you enjoy hacking go after that IP.

April 18, 2003

Since 1986

17 years. I just heard that this guy has been in love and single for 17 years. I know I'm being hard on myself expecting to get over S in two and a half months, but thats only on a one month long relationship.

I wonder if I tried to kill myself because of S.. It defiantly was a dream that I had that wasn't fulfilled, but its not exclusive to S, he just happened to fit, and fit well.

I just don't want to be alone right now and not in that obvious sense. I don't want to be lacking an intimate relationship.

My most intimate relationship with Jenni feels less intimate all the time. She's a good friend and always will be. She or I or both of us have just grown out of that spot we once held for each other. I don't fault her or me, it just happened. she is the only person that I know of right now that I'd pre-meditatively kill someone else to protect her. Sure, there's lots of people who I'd jump in front of a bus to push out of the way or shoot a man pointing a gun at them, but I would kill to protect her even given lots of time to think about it and knowledge that I'd end up in jail afterwards.

---

I expect so much of myself. I cannot let myself off the hook in so many ways.

I'm drained of words plus I've got to eat. There is more to say on this though.

More Idiots Online

I swung by the WSU computer lab right after work to clean out my Novell space before they deleted it all. (and yes, this is after work for me) And I checked my email like I must do when I sit down at an Internet connected computer, and I had another idiot from a different IP in a different foreign country, dropped another nasty comment...

Sigh, I'm debating if I should contact these ISP's and file an abuse complaint, or just let it slide. Somehow letting it slide just seems like letting people get away with it, although I pretty much know the ISP's will not do anything... but I can try.

Jumping into the Light

I'm about to post a few eJournal entries I've written over the past week. I've held back on posting them because I'm not sure they should be out there. But I feel its important to share them because other people have tried to kill themselves or are thinking about it. I feel it is important for others who are in that situation there is life after attempted suicide. You might have to make huge changes but you can do it.

April 21, 2003

Reading between the lines

You know your a philosophy geek when your running around getting things together to go to work and you scream "Where's my Epictetus!" (Yes, true story)

I was looking for advice to give to one of my obsessive readers who "hates" me. Mind you at this point its been about two and a half months since I've seen him on a regular basis. (Although for some reason I do write eJournal entries for him, guess its like an open letter.) So he's causing himself stress not me. Guess he's like the donkey who just likes to complain and moan.

But to the Epictetus!

"...when someone irritates you be aware that what irritates you is your own belief most importantly therefore, try not to be carried away by appearance, since if you once gain time and delay you will control yourself more easily." (#20 Handbook of Epictetus)

---

Sigh. Why does this person cause me to write about him? He doesn't stress me anymore, in fact usually I get a good laugh out of him. I dunno why. Perhaps though its that he's so uptight that his colon is twisting around in and upon itself (Gimme a break I'm having metaphoritis, they're all infected and crappy right now. Hmmmm maybe a simile?) He is as uptight as a person with an impacted bowel. (for the medical terminology impaired thats a backup of shit, and to take care of this they put you under and the doctor takes forceps and pulls the shit out... Fun eh? No I've never had constipation that bad.)

---

But the moral of my ramble once again is that life is what you make it, either yell and scream about someone who doesn't affect you or let it go and obtain inner peace (or just become a Buddhist which includes this advice and more.)

Well that your philosophy lesson for today, stay tuned here for more engaging diatribes!

April 27, 2003

Dating Fears

I made a mistake. I put myself on a self imposed moratorium on dating, and forgot to set some time to end it.

I don't know if now is the time. It would be nice to date, but I'm not sure if I want to fool with it.

Kathy at work has a friend shes going to hook me up with. I made the mistake of asking her (in sloppy confused sign language none the less) to find me a boyfriend. I guess since work has kicked me off of six day weeks, I've got time to date, in comparison to my crazy 48-60 hour work weeks I've been doing. I talked with David, online and he said "take it VERY easy." I'm just not sure if I know how to do that. Jimmity crickets.. I think I need to take DAT097 remedial dating.. I think they should offer that in school... hmmm what would DAT399 be then? How to navigate the confusing waters of polygamy?

Lunacy

There is an amazing amount of lunacy with this Iraq war brouhaha.

First off. I have friends over there, and I'm of draft age. Its not something thats impersonal and completely removed from myself.

Second, Where the fuck are the Weapons of Mass Destruction? At the moment there are no confirmed stores of them, and only one or two possibilities. Given the way the Bush administration made this out to be the country was brimming with Weapons of Mass Destruction, we're something like a month into this and we still haven't found a confirmed store of WMD's. Bush killed over 100 Americans and many more Iraqi's for what?

Thirdly, I'm not even going to be happy till Bush, Rumsfeld, and Wolfwitz are out of office and sitting securely in a jail somewhere, charged with something, perhaps lying to the American people or manslaughter? I used to secretly hope that someone would have the common sense and absence of a desire for self-preservation and assassinate the whole lot. Now, I'm not convinced that this would be an appropriate punishment for them. Given that I happen to believe that once your dead, your dead, there would be no misery for them or anything. If their the christian version of heaven and hell are correct I would be happy with an assassination, because I'd be assured they would go to hell.

I wonder if the Secret Service releases the number of death threats received against the President? I wonder if they've gone up any since Bush has been in office. It would be an interesting figure.

Well onto programming this SpamFolderManager. Not sure if thats the right name for the program, but its a descent working name. If anyone has a better suggestion drop me an email.

Shaved Legs

What is it about guys with shaved legs being so hot? I'm sitting at Starbucks and there's this guy with shaved legs. Now he's hot, but he's so much hotter because he has shaved legs... I just get a thrill out of it..

---

Geeze.. its bad but half of the reason I come to Starbucks in the evening is to look at the hot boi's.

---

Okay back to shaved legs. I know that shaved body parts feel vulnerable, interesting and feminine to a point. Although I know straight guys who shave their legs. (mostly for athletic competitions)

Of course the large question is why do people find sexy what they find sexy. I doubt all of it is marketing, because they have to play what people already naturally find sexy... Sigh.. this is too big a subject for me at the moment, and I'm still procrastinating on programming... okay.. now to programming....

April 28, 2003

Getting Real

I've decided I can't make the finances meet anymore. So.... in the next week or two I'm going to move in with my dad. Not the best solution but I need to save money and I know that will be cheaper rent.

May 02, 2003

Madonna beat me

I took eMode's IQ Test and scored a 129. Pretty good, but I'm still not as smart as Madonna... Sigh oh well.

Things in general have been going well.. I have things that are floating around in my head that I need to get to writing I guess I will get to them soon....

May 03, 2003

Intersections, Tilex, and Selfness

What is the relationship between the arts and science?

At first glance nothing or very little but lets look at the list.

1. Intelligent people who are able to see how their work fits into the gestalt of their field.
2. Long arduous often minimally fulfilling tasks and drudgery often followed by huge breakthroughs.
3. Far reaching intelligence in specific areas.
4. A willingness and requirement to fail.
5. Recognition of the role of the self and individual biases and beliefs and how those affect their work.

I'm not sure where I fall in all this. I consider myself a scientist-artist-philosopher, so long as it has nothing to do with dogma. Everything should be proven with in the current structure of the paradigm in which it exists holding onto dead ideas is not beneficial to creating progress. all these ideas must be recognized as intrinsically linked from the time in which it was created.

The exception to this is great art/science/philosophy. Something that is great will permanently transcend the time in which it was created.

This is a problem with some religions. They have failed to adapt and be a living vibrant belief system. People still see things through their old lenses, that are several thousand years old, cracked and held together with elaborate lacquers. There is an unwillingness to knock the old paradigm out and replace it with a new paradigm.

This is not to say that all religions are stuck, some honestly struggle with reinterpreting their teachings to fit into today's world.

I wont name names but why follow a religion that refuses to be relevant to today?

---

So here's the personal dilemma, how am relevant to today's world. I felt more relevant when I was at WSU because I was getting a lot done, I was important to people; things and people were dependent on me.

But I'm not sure that I was relevant within the time. I filled a role, was a cog in the machine. I'm not sure that I was linked into the world, that I was relevant to it, intrinsically linked to it by more than time and space.

Lambda/WSU/Theatre was overly easy to leave, almost too much so as if I was doing complex contortions to fit in to be relevant.

Its strange but I feel much more me, free of any confining and debilitating mold. (as in a form, not the bluish green stuff.) I've been able to say fuck what the world and others think of me. If they don't like my purple/blue/pink/bleach blond hair that is their problem not mine.

---

It is worrisome that I feel that somehow I'm placing myself in a group to be a future victim of a neo-McCarthyisit.

I wonder if the FBI has a file on me?

You know, I sort of threaten the status quo. I get interesting comments of hate against me for who I am. It worries and frustrates people that I don't give a flying fuck what they think. People at work have been prognosticating at work that my hair will fall out because I've been dying my hair.

Of course I've also gotten approval from many people, but they seem truly happy for me, not that faux polite shit.

Which reminds me of a story. A FtoM transsexual told the story of a woman at his call center job who was old and presumably conservative that mad a point of stating "I'm happy for you and this is better for you" or something similar when he finally crossed over.

I'm happy with where I'm going, unfortunately it seems to threaten some people and its discouraging that they are not secure in themselves to feel non-threatened by me.

Because I'm different I shouldn't be a threat, it should be celebrated.

May 07, 2003

My Hours

I just watched an excellent movie today. (For those missing the allusion to the movie in the title find one that Allison Janney, Meryl Streep, and Nicole Kidman are all in it.) Okay if you know the movie there are spoilers in this entry.

It works through one of the "big questions" that exist in philosophy, specifically what life is worth living?

The historical/religions answer is live is always worth living, i.e. under no circumstances should you kill yourself.

At one time before our medical/science got out of hand and learned how to keep people alive under Extraordinary circumstances, people used to get sick then they died. There was not much of a life after cancer, a stroke, a heart attack, or a bad car accident. These are all debilitating illnesses/accidents that can seriously impede living a desirable life; living bedridden is for most not a life worth living.

Under these circumstances it is morally reprehensible to deny someone the right to kill themselves. We have placed upon them a duty to live, upon which no measurable good or achievement can come except for the doctor's success in keeping them alive. This is like utilizing human beings t some extent as a lab animal.

I wonder how often doctors debate the question should I save this patient? Its a tricky question involving societal norms, the patient's wishes the family's (possibly) irrational desires for companionship, the doctor's desire to demonstrate their medical prowess, and hospital policy. Its an amazingly complex issue and as a a result we commonly choose the "safe" option, save a life at no regard to the costs mentally, physically, financially, and emotionally.

This unfortunately lends to facilities designed to warehouse people and keep them alive until they die regardless of the quality of life issues. This is why in my mind hospice is one of the most kind things a family can allow a dying relative.

---

Depression is a whole other matter.

Depression is something that silently, slowly invisibly kills people. It is not permeant though but often can feel to the depressed person that it is, that it is something they would never get out of. A quote that I got from a website somewhere that I've misplaced the attribution to sums it up very well, "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

What someone who is depressed forgets is to start living again, you've got to take a realistic look and examine all options, nothing show be excused too early, or thought undoable.

Sometimes suicide is an option. If you are already emotionally dead, why not bring your physical self in line with that? At some point depression should be declared a terminal illness and assisted/self suicide should be allowed. Where is the tricky question.

What amazes me is what people do to remind themselves that they are alive. They drive cars excessively fast, cut themselves, cause themselves pain, and other interesting things. If you have to prove to yourself that you are alive are you really alive, or just faking it?

---

I believe too many people in this world are following life along a preset script without regards to considering if they are really alive, or happy. W. H. Auden examines this question very well in his poem The Unknown Citizen.

---

I will live life, I will be happy, I will be free. I demand them, I am willing to make the efforts and sacrifices to ensure it.

I just wish I didn't feel so alone doing it.

May 08, 2003

love:lonelynesss::life:death

What happened with me and Shawn?

I've spent the last four months pondering what went wrong, how we didn't fit, if I scared him with the "L" word, or was he honest with what he told me?

I'm not quite sure that I'm hurting. No, I'm not hurting like I used to, I'm more just confused. I don't want to fuck up again. I don't want to put myself through this multiple times.

Maybe, the reason this whole thing is worth it is because it will at some point end.

So then is it right to attempt to limit your pain? If its only worth it if you are true and open to being hurt then if by limiting your hurt are you being less honest with the guy you're dating?

---

I know I'm alive. The pain I feel in relation to Shawn reminds me of that. I am hurt period. It will be something that will follow me for a long while. But, I also know I deserved him, someone of his caliber, his honesty, hist intelligence.

I know because I'm still hurt I'm still alive and I was live when I was with him.

I refuse to be dead inside.

May 13, 2003

Politically Incorrect

I liked the show. I even understood his off color comment after 9-11-01. But thats not what this is about.

---

First culprit, race specifically the great white/black divide in this country.

I was shocked and appalled at the New York Times journalist that lied and plagiarized to an obscene extent.

---

Another personal case. I used to manage at a McDonald's. We had a new black employee whom we shall call Cuprick. When he first started working there he was an excellent new employee, and I "took him under my wing" and pushed him and made sure things were good for him.

One night his uncle came by and said his mom was sick with breast cancer and they needed to leave to visit her. I forget the specific incidents but he used his sick, then dead mother excuses to get off work for many days over the next month and a half. This culminated in one day his mother walking in and wanting to know where Cuprick was. We told her he wasn't scheduled, and then began to inquire if perhaps Cuprick has another family member who he might consider his mother. She said no. We asked if she was dead, but she looked alive also.

My store manager didn't fire him for this. although he eventually got fired after stealing money from customers.

---

One more personal case. Another black employee at my current job has apparently successfully lied to and/or sweet talked the manager into getting a fixed schedule which pushed me out of hours that I had wanted to work.

---

There is an obvious thread here. African American males deceiving to get ahead. But one more story to add is in order.

---

My insurance plan through work covers a $350 pair of glasses every two years. Somehow I picked out a $494.88 pair of glasses. So I had to pay 144.88. (a $10 copay) for reasons beyond the scope of this eJournal, the insurance company denied the claim. So I got a voicemail about it and low and behold the glasses dropped in price to $289. So me and my insurance company got overcharged $205.88.

Yeah I know what your thinking I have a young black male optometrist.

No. He's a middle aged white man who advertises to operate his business on "Christian Principles."

---

So the way to work through this is to simultaneously apply and not apply stereotypes. Of course this leads to schizophrenia and other mental illnesses so I don't recommend following it.

So what am I stuck with? Lets not over glorify stereotypes. They're useful that why they still exist, but we'd get closer to an idea "utopia" if we could judge people on who they really are and not how they look.

I think this is part of why having blue hair is so interesting; you get interesting responses from people. Its also why I found Black Like Me was so interesting because we got to read an outsider's response to being black.

---

This is part of why being out for some is a conundrum. I have the option to be out and possibly be discriminated against or to be closeted and not be discriminated against.

But, to me it is irresponsible and cowardly to be closeted. First of all it dimishes visibility but it also is being untrue. A black person (or pick many other protected classes) has no option to be closeted.

If we GLBT people as a community allow ourselves to be in and out when it is convenient for us it creates false stereotypes but also deprives us in taking responsibility and pride in who we are.

Black people cannot look white (okay, Michael Jackson excepted) if we want to be taken seriously should we ever allow ourselves to step back in the closet?

May 14, 2003

Boxed Pussy with a Lobster, Shawn and a bit of me

Schrodinger's cat intrigues me. Its a quantum physics problem so bare with me while I butcher this example.

What you do is take a cat (anyone will do but I'm rooting for the troublemaker William.) and place it in a box where we cannot see or observe him. We also place a devices that in a certain period of time will either dispense either a poison or food, there s a 50/50 chance of either being dispensed. Then we wait. Given that cats are finicky eaters, I recommend waiting an extensive period after the device goes off, ignore the silent scratching noises.)

Now, guess is the cat dead from the poison or alive? (Assume the cat has sufficient O₂) Both and neither. For all we know the cat doesn't exist in the box because we cannot see it. For al we know the cat invented a teleporter and is now on an Egyptian cruise enjoying gourmet prepared Fancy Feast. (Remember the Egyptians thought cats were sacred.) The point is we cannot know about the cat because we cannot observe it.

But when we get curious and look in we by observing the cat either kill it or bring it to live. (Whoever said that the cat's curiosity killed the cat?)

It is the interaction of viewing the cat that is important not what happened before or what happened after.

---

I've got this jumble of thoughts I'm thinking of in no particular order.

1. When I had lobster in New England on the WSKG tour and loved it; but then going back several years later, I had l Lobster again and found it repulsive.
2. Dating Shawn during January, but after breaking up with him seeing him at the Midwest BLGTA conference and there was no spark.
3. Visiting my old home town and feeling strange and alien, and non-belonging, where there once was belonging.
4. Comparing the success of Lambda last year with the failures this year.
5. Thinking of the great growth inducing therapy sessions I had with Jo, and wanting them to continue.
6. The night before Louise, my dog died and the role reversal of caregivee to caregiver I experienced.

---

These are all ethereal events; they exist only in memory. Any attempt to recreated the past experiences fails because the relationship between me and the other actor can never be the same. It has happened, to recreate it cannot be done, because both parties have changed therefore the interactions can never be the same.

---

As much as I want to relive those moments, I cannot because I am no longer who I once was. Going back is like attempting to unpeel an onion. Once the onion has been peeled, its peeled. Period.

---

A time machine that goes backwards through your life would ultimately be unfufilling because while you can go back and see something that you once did, you can never experience it the same way again.

Internet Tax Insanity!

From Secrets of Internet Sales Tax:

He described a scenario in which an Illinois resident, using a California credit card based out of a New Jersey bank, purchases a tangible piece of personal property from a Florida company as he crosses that state's border on his Wi-Fi phone and then specifies that the item be shipped to his aunt in Massachusetts. Who should collect sales tax revenue in this scenario? The answer is clear as mud.

Come ON! For Christ sake, lets make this reasonably simple. In the case of physical goods, tax it where its shipped to. In the case of electronically delivered goods tax it at the Credit Card billing address. For 99.9% of transactions this will end up billing the right tax and getting it to the right state. The other times it doesn't it'll just be wrong, and everyone is going to have to deal with it.

Don't get me wrong this is only part of the problem, (read the article for some more) but this is an absurd example, and while it might be interesting its never going to be perfect, but It'll be close enough.

May 17, 2003

We are living in a Material World and I am a Material Boi

I never thought I was too material of a person. I never wanted to own something to own it. It all seemed very utilitarian. I needed somewhere to put my TV, VCR, Stereo, and TiVo. (Which were all gifts from family or hand me downs.) I wanted a kitchen table so I had somewhere to eat besides in front of the television, so I bought a kitchen table. I get books to read and think about, but all in all it didn't seem like I owned too much stuff.

Then, I moved.

---

Now it seems like I have WAAAAAAAAAY too much stuff. I don't want to get rid of it all, some of it I'll sell, and some of it I'll pitch. (That which isn't worth the time to sell, because I doubt anyone will buy it off of eBay.)

Hmm... I'm sure I'll have more meditations on the meaning of too much stuff later, but right now I need to go unpack. ;-)

May 21, 2003

Depressive Ramblings

Its scary to be dependent on medication. I've been on Effexor XR... since well Novemberish.

With the move from my apartment and work schedule change (same week, great fucking planning Nick.) I'ven't taken it since Friday.

Four missed Doses; 600 milligrams of chemicals not pumped into my veins. (Save the amount that just gets crapped out.

---

Okay, the reason this is a problem is I just blue up at a bitchy voice person. I then called a supervisor over, and as this was happening the voice person hung up. I threw my flag down, when the supervisor asked what happened, I used some choice words to describe the caller in my loudest voice and I got written up.

---

This is just a strange problem trying to determine which one is really me? The bitchy person or the polite playful one?

They're the same except for some drugs.

---

I feel incredibly lonely right now.

At this very moment I would give about anything to be snuggling with someone who or fuck the over long euphemistic descriptions. I want to be cuddling with Shawn.

Scary thing is I had to look up his last name today, but thats probably a good thing.

Yea for the fucking depressing! it reduces me down to wanting those primal things.

---

I've been chatting with Andy, wanting him to be this drop in replacement for Shawn, but somehow more permanent.

When the fuck am I going to be over him? I simultaneously hate and love ever meeting him.

I love just that we got to spend together and that he let me know whats possible.

I hate it cuz it still hurts.

I'd cut off my left pinky if it would make this hurt stop for any descent period of time. Fuck, it might even be good as a distraction, but the medical bills and the counseling would be a bitch.

---

I'm still stuck pondering that question. Why do we, do I have a demanding desire to have a significant other in our/my life? Furthermore how do those who don't seem to mind that they're single get there?

---

In other random ramblings people have been telling me to write a novel, and now I've got a topic so..... So I'm going to start doing that.

Passing Kindergarden

I hate suburbia. Not a dispassionate dislike, I HATE it.

Maybe its not even exactly suburbia I hate, but this new faux-old suburbia that is so prevalent south of Dayton where I now live.

Its like living in a crappy version of Disney World, all facaded and terra-formed and fundamentally fake. There is a tree there because a designer decided there should be a tree there. Fields and fields of the cultivated weed wrap around our houses attempting to beautify and naturalize them, but in actuality they require hoards of chemicals to stay alive to our standards.

We are pretentious self-centered creatures determined to demand that the world we once shared with our fellow creatures bend and contort to service us. If a bear came into our living rooms and started reorganizing it to fit her up coming young, we'd shoot her.

---

You know maybe nuclear/chemical/biological war would be a good thing. Place this planet back into a virgin state to be reworked, perhaps by creatures who have respect for the planet and sharing.

---

You see city folk can share. Hordes of them get on public transportation and get to where they're going. It doesn't matter if there are people of all different backgrounds and socioeconomic classes crammed in together, they all get along; they passed and continue to pass kindergarden by sharing.

Now, if you tried this with a bunch of suburbanites, all hell would break lose and they'd start WWIII. (or WWIV as we don't know when or if WWIII has started.)

---

Cities are true, raw and gritty. There is no facade and people share, plus it doesn't try to be Disney World.

---

Hmm.. I wonder if I've passed Kindergarden......

May 23, 2003

Feline Wedding

I think having cats is a lot like having a ideal boyfriend. They're they're there looking wantingly at you when you first get home, they always want more of the bed when your sleeping, and they're great cuddlers.

Of course, they also need TLC at times when its inconvenient for you, but all in all its a give and take.

With the exceptions of good sex and intelligent conversation they satisfy most of my needs for a boyfriend, at least to a minimally acceptable extent. In addition there is no bullshitting when they're happy or unhappy... They're happy and they start purring, they're angry, and you get clawed to death.

---

There's gotta be something more to marriage and a good relationship than just fulfilling needs. If I went around and proposed to marry every person and thing that fulfilled my needs, I'd be convicted of polygamy to several Starbucks, none to many restaurants, and a Krogers or two.

Marriage, and relationships leading to marriage really have to mean something, but I admit, I don't really know, because I've not been there. Society recognizes it, and we've got 1049 federal laws to codify our recognition.

---

Why the hell do people get married in a drive through in Los Vegas? If its something thats so special, shouldn't it merit more than the same architectural feature than as where you get your Big Mac and French (not Freedom) Fries?

---

Here is my conundrum.

I'm invited to a wedding of a high school acquaintance, it just happens though that my sister is friends with her. She's two years younger than me. Plus, the her and the guy she is marrying don't really get along that well.

The way my sister describes it is all about the show and having a picture perfect wedding for her. I've only been to one other wedding and I had really strange hair similar to this, but it was about having a nice wedding for the bride and groom.

My sister and I have already discussed when the divorce between them is going to be, my sister thinks it'll be in 18 months, I'll give it 24. Most of the bride's friends think the same thing, just varying on how many months it will take them to file, but not if they will file.

---

So I've been debating if I should go to the wedding. If they truly loved each other and they would be good for each other I'd go. But as it stands, the whole fucking thing is making a mockery of what a wedding should be about: love, life long commitment, sharing, and support. This wedding only satisfies at best two of these four things.

So should I support this disparagement of an institution I have no ability to partake in myself? The bride is making a mockery of everything I hold dear in a relationship. God dammit she's only 19 or 20, how can you make a commitment at this point that should last you for 60 years? When I was 20 (not too long ago) I had issues deciding on and committing to my major in school, a trivial matter compared to marriage.

I want to wish her well, but I've gotta be honest to her; this isn't what I can in my heart support. If its the real thing she can wait till she is 22 or 23, its not going away. But if its not the real thing, then she's saved herself a mistake.

So I'm not going to this wedding. And I'll stick to my commitment ceremony and civil unions thank you, if marriage is going to be pooped on like this.

May 24, 2003

Lets bend over a little bit farther

Well by now I guess we should expect it. So lets all grab our ankles and bend over really far and take it from the fucking companies who think they don't get enough money.

In case your missing my non descript point, I'm referring to the Visa and Mastercard settlement. For quickies, Greedy Walmart and a few of their floundering friends got together and said "Hey, we're getting screwed by these banks who are making a lot of money, lets sue em." (Okay, a little bit of colloquiums added in, but all in all a pretty accurate rendering.)

For those who didn't know how the credit and debit cards we are love are paid for, a lesson is in store. In the olden days long, long ago stores used to offer their own credit, so if you defaulted on a loan the store was out of the money, plus they had all the extra hassle of keeping track of the moines they were owed, and arranging to have the appropriate legs broken when the time came. At some point the banks and the merchants got together and came up with an agreement. The banks would shoulder the debt and take care of lots of the processing, in exchange the merchants would give the banks a discount on the merchandise sold to account for processing costs and bad debts.

Here is a disjunct in the bearing of risk that in my belief became a huge problem. Merchants have no restraints on what goods they push, if someone has a large credit line a merchant can push an expensive good without any thought if the ultimate credit extended is going to be repaid. The merchant gets paid irregardless if the bank gets paid. (Lets ignore charge-backs at the moment.) It's in merchant's interest to get you to buy something overly expensive, because they got paid. (This probably more than anything else is to account for lots of the spend happy (and economically good) times we've had; the US has a negative savings rate, that means as a whole we Americans borrow more money than we save.)

Okay, next thing is the banks came along with the goal of increasing charge card usage. (a term encompassing credit and debit cards) But, they realized to do this they needed to secure extra income to account for increased losses from the idiotic credit happy masses. So they came up with this wonderful debit card, which they bore much less of the risk. (Because it got deducted from actual currency, instead of being promised to be paid by the consumer in the future.) Since the banks had already gotten the merchants to sign onto the honor-all-cards policy, which requires that any Visa or Mastercard card be treated the same, they were a shoe in for the banks. (There even is a bank that built their business on the extra income from debit cards, and they're not happy with the settlement.)

Of course the merchants caught wind of this and the large greedy ones (namely Walmart, which people need to stop shopping at, because its destroying America.) decided to sue on the matter, claiming they were paying money for the banks to assume risks, for Credit Cards, that the banks weren't assuming, because the purchases were made with currency on debit cards. The small merchants also jumped on board, not realizing that they'll need to rent more equipment to process the "cheaper" debit network transatctions.

---

So who's to blame here? The banks are greedy, overall they want more money in interest from more credit cards. The merchants are greedy they want to make more money by breaking up the bank's scheme that they benefited from in the form of higher consumer debt and higher spending.

---

So the conundrum comes down to this:

Here we've gotten back to the all important disjunct. Who assumes the risk? Everyone is supposed to pay a little bit of it, the merchants in the discount rate, the consumer in interest fees, the bank in lost profits. (okay, the last one is flimsy, but go with it.)

The merchants don't have any incentive to make sure that the consumers they're targeting can pay, the banks just have to take statistical guesses on things.

---

So now for a proposal:

The bank takes a straight processing fee of 20-40 cents for each transaction. If somewhere down the line the consumer defaulted on the loan, the bank would eat 25% of the default and then charge say 75% of that back to the merchant, as a penalty for selling to customers who in actuality couldn't pay. The banks would shoulder part of the responsibility because they extended credit to someone who shouldn't've had it.

This would likely do two things, rein in crazy merchants who push overly expensive shit on consumers who cannot afford it. It would also move the whole thing from spreading out risk for all the transactions out all over the place, and place them back in actual risk. Yeah, the logistics would be a little tricky, and would probably take a good five years to really get ironed out, but with computer technology today it could be done.

Hopefully, it would also get the banks out of offering way too much credit and causing people to get themselves into problems.

---

I know this is a pie in the sky dream, and I skipped over my chance to comment on this case. (I was contacted by Visa and Mastercard's lawyers.) But I'm getting fucking sick of bending over and holding my ankles -- and I'm a bottom...

May 27, 2003

They're bois

I took the cats to the vet today for the first time. Guess what? They're boys. Which means by their behavior they're gay boi's! Whoo hoo, I get two gay bois to move in and enjoy sleeping on my bed, and they're felines... just my luck. ;-)

May 31, 2003

Broadway University

I went to see How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying at my alma-mater. (Well, its not my alma-mater, because I didn't graduate there, so I guess its my nonma-mater.)

It was a well done show, but I would title it How to Write a Musical without Really Having a Plot; it's one of those shows that succeeds on performances alone, the plot could've already been explained, the music is solid but nothing worthy of buying a CD. It really runs on quirky actors upstaging performances, and only in the end tries to be philosophic, with the message we're all brothers and sisters but it fails, by utilizing a baseball bat to bludgeon the message into your head.

Hopefully the producers of the CD didn't lose too much money and WSU didn't pay too much for the rights, because well they're playing the poor man again, but at least this time they haven't resorted to pan handling like they used to do. Instead this summer they're doing three shows just for the cash.

Of course someone should stop these egotistical maniacs, but President Goldenberg likes it. The real question is why is a college program doing such expensive shows? I tend to believe its because they're too focused on creating "broadway" that really training their students. I know for a fact that the student run Directing Lab is not really supported by the theatre department. It exists and they're happy to holding it up as a success, but when it comes to supporting it they put as many hurdles in place as possible.

---

I must agree with Dr. Taylor's assertion that our universities are now glorified career training programs, and unfortunately not places of knowledge and learning. And thats sad.

June 01, 2003

Pedanticism

It's been a day of false starts. I started writing an eJournal entry after I read a personal piece written by a 9-11 widow. it wandered through my day on 9-11-01. I then attempted to write another chapter of the mythical book. Both of them were pure crap. I think I've made turds with less crap content.

I think the most likely reason is that I've gotten too little sleep. I spent last night building out the last inch of the Internet at my Dad's house, deploying a router, and a wireless hub acting as a bridge. Earlier in the week I rewired the entertainment center. So far this week I've been a wire happy person; you name it I can wire it up.

I've built ethernet cables, designed wiring schematics, and installed software networking solutions.

I also hacked out a few letters, unpacked a box or two and got some organizing done.

Its been a lot of fricking grudge work.

---

My brain is fried. I have just about an hour till I leave work then I should be in bed soon after that.

College Wishlist

I've had this floating around in my pile of papers for a while, but I'm gonna put it here..

Things I want from a College

1. GLB Studies (Look in Soc Department/Women Studies too)
2. Strong Philosophy Department - esp. Technology Philosophy
3. Strong Journalism School
4. Diverse Science Program
5. Active Student Body
6. Primarily Residential Campus
7. Ability to take classes over a wide area of fields. (No blocks)
8. Theatre Department???
9. Organizational Theory???
10. Not a Party School
11. "Inspirational campus"
12. Rich Theatrical Arts in the area
13. Value of intellectualism over careerism
14. Art Department Open
15. Damn far away from home

June 03, 2003

Box Happy (Cats)

I unpacked my kitchen stuff just now. I've still got the packing paper and the boxes on the floor right beside me. One of my cats (probably George) was hounding me wanting to get into a box. So I finally took one box and placed it on its side for the cats to play with.

Currently they're fighting Cat War MMCCCXXXIX over the box. (thats 2,339 for the Roman Numerically Disinclined) What probably got it started is one of my cats got in there, then Squeaky, a larger cat who has lived here longer, decided that he wanted to box. Somehow in my absence Squeaky got the box. The little ones then started attacking the box and trying to get Squeaky to get out of it. Its been sort of comical these three cats placing all this effort in getting into the box and keeping it. Its almost as ludicrous as the Florida fiasco, but that counted for something.

---

I've been searching schools very idly deciding which major I want to go after. I'm quite decided that its not going to be theatre. But I'm also frustrated with having to consider committing to another major. I know at this point I enjoy philosophy and writing, but do I want to box myself off in that field, what is to prevent me from coming up against the same problem in the future? How do I know four years down the road I'm going to look at things and say, "you know this doesn't fit me." Then I'd be stuck at the same point I was in this past February.

I would say the one saving grace of philosophy is that you only have to specialize for so long. The professors I know have wandered from various different research projects and different things, so in that respect you're not always doing the same thing.

You know I find it amazing that anyone can hop into these nice neat boxes of what they do. They identify with phrases like: "I'm a computer scientist." "I'm an actor." "I'm a baseball player." "I'm an accountant."

I think some of the reason people tend to do this is because they want to be able to rank themselves against others in their field, they want to be the best, or very good in their field. Its much more difficult to say "I'm the best person," than to say "I'm the best accountant" (Even that though might be hard to say, who wants to be the best accountant?)

I've always struggled trying to be placed in a box; I'm at the point now that very happily get out of all boxes and try to exist in none of them. Lots of people find this foreign and strange. They're all box happy finding this the way to go, and look at box phobic people like me as lost.

---

Perhaps this is why I find Cat War MMCCCXXXIX so strange. Why would any of them want to be in the box?

June 04, 2003

Giving Away the Bride. Finding the Groom?

I just ran through a very vivid scenario with a mythical boyfriend in my head. He was complaining about my clothing style or lack thereof. It was short and ended with my hugging him closely and saying something to the effect "Ohhhh hunny you know I....."

---

I don't know whats interesting to say or elaboration several things come to my mind. but the most prominent are:

1. That embrace is a really deep sharing of personal space. I want to let someone in; in so many ways. (pun intended) I want to be with someone who understands me and takes a shared interest in my life and I can take a shared interest in his life.
2. Jenni comes so close to filling this but in the same instant it is so far.
3. I remember a discussion with her where I was thinking through what used to tie me to Dayton. One of them was her. I no longer feel a need to be there and protect her as she has protected me.

---

Its strange. When I think of Jenni and I'm describing her to a counselor for the first time, I always use the phrase "She's the reason I'm still here." I did and I still do believe that. I cannot see getting through my pre-teens through early 20s without her. I have no way to possibly reconstruct the story of those years without her.

Its oddly comforting and disturbing when I've told her this, its no big deal, as if any friend would do it for another.

---

If Jenni was a gay man we'd be happily in love, and we are to some extent, just not romantically in love. Our love is different and deep the kind that doesn't' need flowers, or an anniversary card, or any kitschy memento to signify.

But Jenni also isn't what I on the surface look for; Shes not a skinny twinky, her house admittedly is always under cleaning, and she is an excellent procrastinator. Her educational ambitions are too scattered to codify down into a college program, and she hasn't desired to pursue that.

She doesn't fit in any box but her own; Even in motherhood she denies attempts to be boxed.

---

Perhaps its fitting I gave her away at her wedding, but maybe I need to stop standing at the altar and start looking for my own groom, for my own love.

June 07, 2003

Gimme a Fork

I think I should take to stabbing myself with a fork, it would be more productive.

I keep telling myself I'm over Shawn; I've moved on; That in the past. Shit like that. I just keep saying it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. But I still torture myself by viewing his website and looking at the pictures and everything.

I finally said fuck it, and configured my router to block all URL's with his domain name in it. All it takes is a simple configuration to undo, but at least I've gotta put some effort into it now, no random URL browsing.

---

I spent a good hour tonight trying to convince Andy to drive down here and spend the night and cuddle. He's sweet, but he rightly said no. Philo, I wish I had his control over the evil second brain.

---

Its time to start dating again. Period.

June 10, 2003

Me vs. Bedding

I'm in one of those mid sleep wake-up periods. I got up and there is bedding everywhere, pillows on the floor, my heads at the other end of the bed and strange arrangements of stuff. It looked liked the bed and I were having a fight, and the bedding won, or maybe I won, because the bedding stuff is everywhere. But then again I was the one to wake up.

Irregardless, I'm going back to sleep, because its sleepy time again after a glass of milk.

Take this Robert Harling

I was reading The Advocate today, the June 24th issue. (Yea for advance magazine schedules.)

In the article about Billy Bean, an ex-pro baseball player, there's a passage that caught my attention. "Remember the first time you heard the word 'faggot'? Practically every gay man alive today grew up in a culture that equated gayness with weakness. In the past 30 years people like Bean have helped change that." (Note its not in the online edition)

Its a glacial change, I think. I still see those attitudes and I came out in 1998/1999. (No I didn't party like its 1999.)

But, I'm having trouble coming up with where this weakness idea came from. It takes scrotal balls of steel (or vaginal lips of steel for our lesbian brethren) to come out. Given the horror stories I've heard from friends who've come out its amazing anyone comes out at all.

---

Back to the quote. Who the fuck came up with this idea that gay men are weak? I mean the emotional and mental strength that gay men exhibit are extraordinary. While all their straight cohorts are exploring their sexuality and going after sex and strutting their sexuality, most gay teens are suppressing all their sexual urges and attempting to simulate a straight face. (and no not to play poker with)

Before I came out the me everyone saw was a mask, a facade that I put on for everyone else, only for brief periods was I actually me. Actors know acting is exhausting, but they choose to act, closeted gay people are forced to act as someone they're not. Keeping this mental divide going is exhausting work, and takes away from what you're supposed to be doing in high school, learning hanging out with friends, and finding yourself. How many straight kids have to pretend to be something else?

---

I was really involved in computers when I was younger. The thing about that is it was natural to ignore yourself. There is no way to program code gay or straight. But If I'm writing a romance story, I can't be honest if I'm closeted, but I can be honest with computer code.

---

if you don't believe its hare to act like someone you're not take a month and pretend to that you're gay. Do you feel scared to tell that guy he's cute? Do you make the fag joke so people don't suspect you? Do you lust over a guy, but are scared to ask him out because you don't want your ass to be kicked? Oh and there's no getting out of it when you have problems you can't just say "Oh, I'm straight." you might as well just shoot part of yourself. Only when you get home or are with a close friend do you get to take the mask off and be your straight self, and don't forget to be scared that someone will find you out.

---

So no, I don't think gay men are weak; They one up the Steel Magnolias, perhaps they're Depleted Uranium Daises, hardened and solid inside, but fluffy and gay on the outside.

June 14, 2003

Moral Clarity?

I just finished watching the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "The High Ground" (Amazon|TV Tome). It examines the issues and morality surrounding terrorism.

I was left agreeing with while simultaneously disagreeing with both sides. Both sides were left in a feedback loop of ratchetting up the violence one step at a time. "They blew up this restaurant, so we will retaliate by arresting their followers." Then, "They arrested our followers, so we're going to blow up their ship." "They attempted to blow up our ship, so we're going to kill their leader." It goes on and on. A never ending circle. Each side throwing another punch to try to convince the other one to stop. Both sides are convinced that their cause is the just one, and the true one.

One of the major players in the current world scene is described by a scholar as someone who "... believes that his mission is sacred, and he wants only to see clear results." (Source) Left alone this equally applies to many of the world leaders. I will leave you to decide which one this applies to.

---

Moral Clarity while important should never be definitive. When someone considers their position to be the absolutely moral position and are definitively clear on this position, they have by definition lost the possibility of considering that they are wrong, and therefore are unable to fully analyze the situation.

---

We are in a time of international moral crisis. "The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in a period of moral crisis maintain their neutrality." (Dante and/or JFK) I'm not quite sure this is valid. I would revise it to state the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in a period of moral crisis don't understand both their position and the enemy's position intimately.

June 16, 2003

3-Way Life

Robbie just quite work about 15 minutes ago. Hes got a better job. He graduated from college Saturday. A lot of people from my Upper School Class graduated from college recently. (Assuming they were good boys and girls and were on the four year plan.)

I feel live I've gone nowhere. I've not gotten any of my personal tasks done. My website has stagnated (just moved it to a new domain, thats all.)

I've blamed some of it on my new work schedule. (I've filled the paper to redo it back to overnights.) Some of this can relate back to moving. Moving wastes a lot of time getting back to where you were, and I've wasted more than the average person over the past two years. (I've had six addresses in two years, its a wonder the post office can find me.)

---

I know I'm a production addict. When I have the highest content production rate, I'm thrillingly content, but I can only keep that up for so long until I collapse into unproductive exhaustion. I'm not quite a switch, but perhaps a 3-way bulb, the brightest setting is the shortest because it uses all the filaments the bulb has.

---

So I gotta get going again. Start moving forward. (Like you can actually move backwards in life - you can't you just repeat yourself. We perceive time as linear despite our dances to the contrary.

---

I gotta keep reminding myself I'm not on a path that looks like the others around me, so I've gotta figure this out on my own, and hopefully I don't blow too many more filaments.

June 17, 2003

I'm scared to grow up..

I finally got most of the rest of the unpacking that needed to be done, done.

I kept running into various things I've written through the years:

• A parody of a play that I was working on at Horizon Theatre Company.
• My kidnapping comedy, that has been in progress for far too long
• I was thinking about my journal in fourth grade where I was really creative, but often spent recess sitting at the table across the hall from the office writing, I enjoyed writing it.
• A lyric rewrite of the song Lady Bug and The Centipede.
• Listen, a play that I wrote and directed my sophomore year of high school
• I've kept a journal on and off for quite a while
• My many websites I've put together during the years

I know thats a short list, but i just haven't felt like wracking my brain. I think the point is that I've always been a writer underlying, just had other things obscuring it. The parody was just because these things had come to my head and needed to get out. The kidnapping comedy was just started because it popped in. The lyric rewrite was because I thought the song was stupid. Listen was a play I wrote to make a point, and I still don't think I've made that point. The websites, was my tech geeking around.

Its a theme that I finally see. Directing a play is writing in reverse. (Whereas writing is taking ideas and converting them into words, directing is taking words converting it into actions and thus ideas.) I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out.

The English program at my school was horrible at supporting writers, it was excellent at supporting literary analysts. I think everyone needs to learn to write and to do that well they need to write about something that they know about. You cannot learn to write while you're attempting to figure out what the hell the book is about. A lot of people can do this, but you're attempting to teach two skills at the same time. Someone like me who is poor at one, automatically thinks they're poor at both, not able to clearly and implicitly separate the two out.

I don't know its strange for me to embrace the fact that "I'm a writer." It seems too simple, to solid, to clear. If its simple it probably won't be right.

---

An additional piece, over the years I've found myself associating with writers of one kind or another. In college I fell into a group with Dana and other people. Jenni has always seen herself as a writer, Kevin is a writer, he just expresses it through film.

---

So why do I feel so insecure and scared about this path now? Right now the immediate future looks pretty crabby. I've now got my spreadsheet set up to tell my my negative net worth and its not pretty.

I think the most terrifying thing about this is that I need to work through my procrastination, and self motivate more than anything else, and those are not my strong points, and that terrifies me that I won't ever complete anything.

---

When I answered the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I never thought I'd be terrified at the answer, but I also thought I had control over the answer.

June 25, 2003

Spam

There has been a lot of brouhaha on the Internet, court rooms, legislative houses, and web logs about SPAM. That wonderful thing that clogs our in boxes.

Most of the solutions have focused around filtering incoming email, and while that is an effective stopgap solution. (and one that I use) I think the industry needs to work more towards shifting costs towards the senders of email, and in addition creating networks of secured SMTP servers.

Bottom line: Secure the base mail standard instead of trying to monkey with the additional layers. SMTP is insecure by design (its a 20 year old standard) and needs to be updated into a secure standard somehow, either issuing certificates, or ensuring that the mail comes from trusted hosts.

I know this is not a technical description of what to do, but legislating spam and creating ever more sophisticated filters will only end in a war of escalation. Spam needs to be dealt with in a low level technological manner and not legal manner.

July 01, 2003

Turbo Outing

I was at work. I think I had the fastest coming out experience on record or at least that I remember.

I mentioned that one straight boy was a cutie to a coworker. Another coworker who I know but wasn't explicitly out to asked (convolutely) if I was gay. I said yes. She said thats alright.

---

Dang, I never thought that it would get down to that short of a time. Coming out in one line. I just would've never thought that I could come out that fast, but its cool on my comfort level.

July 02, 2003

Philo Off

I was a participant in what many people would call a piss off fest today at work.

What was I doing to start this brouhaha? Getting naked at work? (No, although there are enough cute boys who I wouldn't mind spending more private time with.) did I yell fire at the top of my lungs? (Nope, thats illegal although some could argue that it infringes on my right to free speech.) No, I was explaining someone else's philosophical argument, specifically that of Bill Irvine's in The Politics of Parenting.

His book advocates many things which by many American's standards are "wrong." So I wasn't really me who was pissing my coworkers off but instead it was Bill Irvine.

I re-realized something during the argument though -- I like pissing people off, especially when its from an extreme philosophical/political position. It makes me feel more comfortable about the choice philosophy for my major when I go back to school.

July 03, 2003

Lonely

For some reason at this moment I feel really lonely. Maybe its that I'ven't see Jenni in one too many days; Maybe its the marriage chapter in Bill's book, and the crap with my sister friend; Maybe because I've been sleeping too long and alone; Maybe tis because close friends have seen long relationships just sorta grow into something more and romantic.

I've been debating why I'm single. I've had some other guys ask me that question. By any account I should be comfortably in a LTR. i don't play games -- being faithful is something I honestly believe in; Its not just nice but its the respect that I owe the other person.

Maybe its because I don't want to "date." I want to get through that as quickly as possible and get onto the "going steady" part. I want to start dreaming and fantasizing about the future. I enjoy living in the present but I'd much rather think about what can be, and make that happen.

So while in my future (as envisioned by Idealview®) I'm happily in love with and in a civil union with the man who is the love of my life with 2.05 children.

Maybe its because I expect a lot from myself and someone else is why I'm single? Do I scare people away by being too demanding on the first contact? I know I shouldn't change a date into a "will this be the one" interview, but I do it anyways, despite my best intentions.

Anyone want a date?

July 04, 2003

Heard some geeky music?

I spent a good chunk of the morning creating the What I'm Hearing section of my website. A totally narcissistic and geeky section of my webpage, but I must say I like it, and I did learn a good deal about PHP and CSS.

---

I think I've been focusing on computer stuff because I'm either lazy or insecure with what I've written recently. I've got at least three eJournal entries that I need to get typed and here. (They're written just not typed.)

I have also decided to focus more on Philosophy than writing. I think I'm a decent writer (perhaps even good?) but fiction is a field that I have no skill in. I like writing about whats on my mind and what has been pissing me off recently, but I can't pull stuff out of my ass. (Okay one exception.)

Its sleep time. No more new songs for a bit.

July 05, 2003

Leading thoughts...

I got to be the agent in charge at work tonight for several hours. this is the first time I've been in a management position in a while.

I dunno, to me at first its more of a burden than a gift. Its probably because I look at the responsibilities first. We had bad weather so first things was, "Okay be aware of the weather," so I made a point to look at that on my lunch break.

Then I had a shit fit making sure everyone got their breaks, which is a pain because third shifters don't take their breaks on time.

I like leaders who see their leadership as a responsibility to be used in a prudent and appropriate way; it should never be abused, one should take great care to swerve their constituency/ies as best as possible.

---

Politics are the reason I hate leading; it distracts from being a steward leader and makes it messier. Don't get me wrong I love political games for the scheming and the effort but I hate them at the same time because it distracts from being a good leader.

Speaking of leaders I've read an interesting piece about our Idiot in Chief and I'll be writing him and my congressman a letter.

---

And while I'm on the subject, I think we need to rename Iraq (since we're governing it) to "New Vietnam." It would put things in a proper perspective.

July 07, 2003

College Groupies

Okay I just read a college guidebook. I think the people who put these together have actually perfected the are of distilling all meaningful content out of them.

I want someone else to make this choice for me to take this burden over from me. I wonder if this is more because this choice needs to be made, but I don't want to be the one who's held responsible if its wrong.

What I'm exhibiting is schizophrenic internal corporate like "I'm not gonna make that decision"itis.

---

Every university at this point looks good -- its pathetic -- or maybe I've been choosy enough in my initial search that honestly they all will do.

There is the catholic dilemma though. Some of these schools are various orders of catholic schools. (Jesuit, Marinists, etc...) My interactions with catholics have tended to be us vs. them affairs where I'm with us and catholics are them.

I recognize here that I'm doing to "the catholics" exactly what I've been rallying against -- people should be judged as individuals and not as groups.

Okay this is going to quickly disintegrate into a liberal rant about treating people as individuals. So one last thought.. Its so easy to fall into judging people by the group they belong to is it fair to condemn those who accidentally fall into that behavior

July 10, 2003

Cute Curious Truth

I don't know what the fuck I just did. I just took some time off work to go eat at Denny's and write. I'm strange thats for sure.

NB: The manger is cute and the server is intriguing - Dang - My internal needing to have sex clock has gone off... lol

I've been waiting for A to call me. He's a closeted bisexual guy at work. I've called him once and emailed him - talking to him once a week, when I see him at work, isn't frequent enough. He's told me he likes me.

Damn, I can't just wait and take things slow - Its not in my nature it seems. I either procrastinate or do things really, really fast.

---

I'm stuck wondering who reads this? I know A does. Tommy does. Brian has read it. Does Shawn? Does Steven Johnson? (I wish) Does Phil? Does Jordan? Does Dave? (He's commented)

Of course a bigger and better question is why the fuck do I care?

I've proclaimed previously that I write this for me, but I'm intimately conscious that it gets read by others. Its one of those things though that I've had to learn. I've made the mistakes of putting people's names in here in a bad light. I've also conducted breakup fights over eJournals/Blogs.

I honestly like those entries, they're raw, true. There is no bullshitting going around in them. No calculated political thoughts about who I'll piss off and what they'll think and how to backhandedly slap someone.

I agree with George Carlin, there is too much euphemistic bullshit language that just cloaks and diminishes meaning. Its all fine and dandy when its done for a good laugh though.

People should say what they mean and mean what they say. Can you imagine how much more vibrant and honest political discourse would be if you just put it out there?

It of course wouldn't be kinder and people would get in a tizzy and there would be more murders/assassinations, but isn't this worth it for some honest discourse? Probably. (No!! Fuck I just did it, again -- see? Even when talking about honesty I get into that political bullshitting mode.) Yes. I'd choose greater honesty at the expense of a few lives.

So let me start here:

1. President Bush is a fricking idiot and should be impeached as soon as possible for the good of the country and the good of the world. I watched him today doing the exact spin bullshitting that I so despise. Yes, Clinton did the same thing too, but he was talking about trivial things compared to what Bush has been going on about.
2. Gay men need to stop worrying about getting their fucks so much and think about relationships, if we ever really want to be seen as "normal" and equal in society. A bunch of 25-35+ men acting like horny teenagers is embarrassing to the whole concept of gay rights. If you want gay marriage stop acting like a horny promiscuous teenager. If you don't give a shit, go and do what you please, just don't be a hippocrite by joining the HRC and Lambda Legal -- They advocate for gay marriage, etc...
3. Everyone has the right to say whatever the hell they want. (save shouting fire in a theatre and similar things, that endangers others.) If Michael Savage wants to go on and on with his anti-gay comments so be it. He should just expect the gay activists to complain, they're not silencing him per se just applying pressure to remove him from a venue. If he really wants to say it let him purchase the airtime, until he does that he's a pawn of MSNBC. TOUGH SHIT!

Okay thats it for now. I'm bitched out and I need to start wandering back to work. But one more comment. I feel good about this, its my truth. I wish I could write fiction from this point of view, but it ends up being more like thinly veiled non-fiction.

Oh, one more honest point. A call me because well I'm getting impatient.

July 14, 2003

Outside Starbucks on a Summer Morning

On and off the traffic flow ebbs and flows under the tyranny of the three eyed enforcers, employees of the local governmental subdivision.

The cars trickle in under the direction of their dreary eyed caffeine deprived drivers.

A collection of packages under the watchful eye of a global multinet connected big brother slide by, some racing the clock to arrive within the next 45 minute by 9 AM.

The ebb and flow continues. The helium powered underpaid light spends part of yet another fortnight battering down, causing epidermal carcinomas, but as yet the employer of enforcers has yet to regulate this brutal photon source.

An employee of another floating gas ball stops outside, calls a friend with the code powered wire deprived collection of circuits. His friend goes inside and obtains two containers of caffeine.

---

Within a matter of moments fellow dihydrogen oxide bags descend next to me and begin a ritualistic exchanged of minimally useful information.

The ebb and flow of caffeine, people and cars continue.

Me? I sit aloof detached, silent watching everyone, everything consuming my 30,000 km stream of protons per second, devouring the resonance of the compressions of the acoustic ether.

A veblenesque vehicle pulls up, the driver bolts from it ignoring the attempted wing damage to the vehicle next door. The future direction notification device left on by tis status obsessed driver, turns itself off.

The ebb and flow of caffeine and cars continues. And me I sit, aloof outside the flow observing. Delaying the listed activities that beckon me from beneath this sheet of paper.

Observations are exhausted and time spent on the frivolous, but fulfilling activity of string together well recognized pictures.

The end, comes.

July 17, 2003

Quantum Mary Jane

I've been reading a book on Quantum physics. This is slightly like
deciding to rewrite the rules of logic, mathematics, and English and being told "The experiments support this as the best way to do math, logic and speak." (Note: The English must be rewritten by something more confusing than just placing it in ASL, American Sign Language, word order.)

I wonder if Quantum Physics was the inspiration for Weird Al's song "Everything you know is wrong."

Okay just a recap of some of the strange things I've read in the past week:

• Particles that receive photons that from our perspective have not yet been emitted.
• Kittens and even people who are in Quantum Flux (my term) because of an atom's lack of ability to determine if its on the side of a box with the detector hooked up to the lethal device.
• The apparent faster than light communication due to the atom's same inability to be decisive about which side of the box it swings to. This involves two space craft, one each with half of the box in question, two lethal devices and one alien. (After reading this I expressly forbid my kittens, George and Shaun, from having any contact with anyone with a PhD in Quantum Physics of the last name of Schrödinger, in addition they are to run and if need be climb up a very tall tree when coming in contact with any of the aforementioned persons. (I will begin holding Quantum Physics PhD/Schrödinger drills for my cats in the near future.)
• Individual particles of light that know if they are being watched and behave appropriately
• Individual particles that go through two holes simultaneously, interfering with themselves and act the same as they would if there were multiple particles.

I know strange shit ain't it? The thing is these are answers that are accepted as valid. The book I'm reading, Schrödinger's Kittens and the Search for Reality states that a major theory of Quantum mechanics "...is the most successful and accurate scientific theory there has ever been." (p. 90) It goes on to support this by stating one specific measurement is as accurate as measuring the distance between NYC and LA and being off by the width of a human hair.

---

All I can say is I'm waiting for the paradigm shift to get us out of this seemingly Mary Jane induced Achem's razor violating, overly absurd paradigm, so we all can get to the stage where we say, "what? They thought that?"

I'm really interested if at this point the paradigm shift inducing problem is floating around waiting to reach a crisis in the quantum physics research community.

Of course I wouldn't be able to see it if it came speeding at me at greater than the speed of light. (err excuse me, I'm going to rephrase that to spare myself contact with anti-particles.) Take two: I wouldn't be able to find it even if it was emitting and reabsorbing photons as if it was the hippest thing to do.

My knowledge of Quantum Physics is at the same ability of being able to add the numbers 1-5 together. I really should at least be able to do algebra... But I don't want to get a degree in this, just study it.

Anyone care to mix a few particles with me and talk about this stuff in depth?

July 19, 2003

Qualogical love

Is love only really love when its illogical? Stated differently is love when there is no logical benefit for yourself?

I got on this thread when I was thinking about my past relationships. I've been thinking about S, T, G, J, and D. (The alphabet soup lets me leave names out, bear with me.)

I got started on this thinking about when I went on a date with G, who is HIV positive. I know we talked on the phone a few times, and I saw him at work. I was the one to say that, "I like you as a friend but not romantically." He then basically accused me of not wanting to date him because he was HIV positive, despite the fact that I told him that his HIV status played no role in my deliberations.

This wasn't just a quick spur of the moment decision. I spent a good few days thinking about it and making sure that his HIV status wasn't a factor.

But I digress. My point is with G it was a logical process. I'm quite sure I could've flow charted my decision process. It was that logical.

But with S, and to some extent with T, it was just a feeling, something that swept me up. I quite remember with S and a bit with T attempting to explain my way to why I felt the way I felt or was doing what I was doing, but I just gave up finding no logical grounds for where I stand.

I think love logically can only be expressed as a tautology. I love ____ because he's _____. This works fine with family. (i.e. I love my mom because she's my mom.) It works well with socially recognized institutions. (i.e. Parenthood, Marriage.) But does a shitty job with boyfriends and relationships that don't fall in this category.

For instance, there is no reason to explain why I love Jenni; you just have to know us and our history, and even then its not quite logical. Whereas I can explain why I love my mom in eight words, most people would expect significantly more words to explain why I love Jenni or S. I feel perfectly justified in saying that "I love Jenni, because she's Jenni." Its not conditional, its not logical.

I believe love, when its true, only starts, but never stops.

I love S because he is S. It would be a lot easier if I could attach conditions to this, like I enjoy spending time with S ergo I love him. Because then I could apply logic to it. (i.e. I'm not spending anytime with S therefore I can't love him. See if that were true, I couldn't say I love S, but I do love S. (This love stuff is like Quantum Physics, forget about common sense.)

Okay two more letters, errr people to cover. No. I'm not going to cover J and D. Both of those are triumphs of biology over logic or love.

July 26, 2003

Grass

It amazes me how much effort people put into grass.

My dad (at the moment) works for a lawn care company selling services to maintain this man made natural "carpet." Of course we treat our lawns like bad children, it always needs lots of attention to make sure it is doing the "right" thing.

Suburbia is about the control of nature. (Assuming you can call the bastardized version of plants and animals that exists in suburbia nature.) Whereas urban areas for the most part just displace natural things and confine nature to specific areas, but urban areas make no attempt to look natural. There is no pseudo nature, controlled and contrived into a pretty picture to suite personal or communal tastes, as exists in suburbia.

It is my contention that grass was initially fundamentally like a Timex watch, or a SUV (or even a 17" Apple Powerbook, despite its inherent beauty.) -- It was something that was bought or maintained to show off the fact that you had money. Lawns (especially if you insist on very green lawns) are rather expensive to maintain with fertilizer, mowing, aerating, weeding, etc, etc...

The important thing to consider is whats the alternative? You could let wild grasses and flowers overtake your lawn and enjoy the true nature in stark contrast to the controlled primness of a "proper" suburban lawn. This is of course assuming that your neighbors and/or the city don't take it upon themselves to mow your lawn and bill you for the trespassing and destruction of property. (Of course in their defense this is in the name of "property value." Is it amazing how obsessed w are with money?)

Another alternative is to completely landscape your yard leaving no grass, albeit this only replaces on constructed nature scene with another.

You could finally put gravel in. (I've seen this in retirement areas in Florida.) Or, just pave the whole damn thing. (Although I can see the city complaining in this case as well.)

---

I'm also quite convinced that grass is a chosen weed, but I'll have to research further to support this claim.

Analyzed Bitching

I bitched out my friend A earlier today.

He's got a position at work that gets more pay, but he has less work to do; well no work to do. (Its not his fault, just the Ohio Relay Contract is screwy.) This is his second job, his first being a pretty well paying job.

I'm not sure why exactly I exploded at him.

I'm quite sure part of it is that when he's here its play time and lets entertain A time. While I don't mind a good conversation it seems like a requirement and plus he ends up bothering other people who are working and he seems to have no courtesy for others who are working, calling busy supervisors for no reason at all, being loud behind other working employees, etc, etc...

Another possible reason for my bitchiness is that I see him having this job just so he can buy a house, which at the moment I see as an unnecessary luxury. He has a moderate sized four bedroom house for one person and two cats. This really just seems like showing off to me. Of course I'm not enthusiastic about home ownership. I see most houses as a waste of money.

First of all the mortgage payment is usually more than rent, but you get less. Rent includes repairs, property tax, often extra amenities, appliances, among other things. I know people often tout the equity in homes, but if you look at it you have to pay a lot of bank interest and other additional costs that you don't have with an apartment, as a result your free cash flow should be higher allowing you to invest the extra funds.

I still don't know why I went off on A. I guess its some of this stuff and just the plain fact that I'm tired.

Dang, do I look like an ass now?

July 27, 2003

Quantum Truth?

The Quantum Physics book as caused me to being to doubt scientific truth.

Here is the problem: Science is a pursuit performed by people making a hypothesis and then creating an experiment to test it. (or vice versa, starting with an experiment then coming up with an explanatory hypothesis.) The problem arises in that we can never prove a hypothesis true, only falsify a hypothesis. So since people are constructing the theory and the experiments the hypothesis and/or theory are rooted in the history of that science and the experience of people performing the experimenting and hypothesizing. A danger in this is the possibility that there is a false case floating around waiting to be recognized as such.

While of course a false case is a danger to the theory being falsified, it is also potentially detrimental to theories that have been structured as a result of knowledge gained or theory developed on the falsified theory.

This of course calls into question the whole nature of science. Is there some case that can destroy the fundamental nature of science? Perhaps one of the core precepts that all science is based on is false? What then?

The possible flaw in my reasoning of course is eventually after an unfalsified theory is used and explored so many times does it become truth? When does it cross this line?

July 30, 2003

If Dante were alive now...

If Dante was still alive, and he was a Relay Communications Assistant, he would consider an additional circle of hell, being relaying calls to AOL tech support for the rest of your days. Like I had to do the other day in excess of an hour, in addition I hit the emergency button which caused the fricking computer to beep for the next 20 minutes till the end of the call. (What? It was a CA emergency!)

So I took my aggression out. I got one of those #@(!$@*#% AOL disks in the mail today.. so I took a hammer and pounded the fricking case in.

It was therapeutic.

Veiled Profanity

I was just composing my last entry in Userspace, and I went to spell check it... Apparently the folks at Apple have a sense of humor. Give the image a click for the close up..

Programming on the Left Side of the Brain

I tried writing with my left hand today. It was a result of trying to eat and program at the same time.

It looks like its written by a first grader, although I don't know very many first graders with the logical skills to be able to program ANSI C, maybe Basic or Logo, but defiantly not ANSI C.

---

I'm in a huge muddle with SpamFolderManger. I've honestly never dealt with a project of this breadth and modularity. Honestly I'm really a Applesoft BASIC programmer who has just transplanted himself to ANSI C. This is the first time I've actually tried programming like a C programmer and I'm well lost.

I've got a bunch of functions lying around and well eventually they should be able to be properly stitched together to create a functional program.

I'm reminded of sessions with my mother when she'd have all the pieces for her quilt covering the floor and she'd be attempting to figure out what was wrong in her cutting so she could piece the whole mess of fabric together properly to come out with a quilt. She always used to be so methodical and graph the whole quilt out and figure out what she had to do.

I know I need to create a "map" of this program for myself, so I know which way is up and how I need to proceed. I feel like I've been given a hot skillet on a stove without a handle, and I'm having to figure out how to build a handle onto this. Its probably something like molecular chemistry. (Wait, thats redundant isn't redundant?) I remember reading about buckeyminsterfullerene in Popular Science and how they had to graph a handle on it to take a picture.

---

Whatever the case I'm stuck feeling really stupid and really lost. Maybe I can learn to write with my left hand and program at the same time. My brain needs a good work out.

Of course I could be boring and take my second class on programming and just stick to my right hand for writing, but that just wouldn't be interesting.

August 01, 2003

Operating System Rant

One of those dangers that I have with writing eJournals offline is that I evaluate and reevaluate them and sometimes they just get stuck and delayed, like this one.

I really don't want to get into the OS debate. I'm experienced in several operating systems and I've actually used many of them, so my opinions don't come from a lack of experience. Even then this debate seems slightly frivolous given world events and the much more interesting debates of quantum physics.

I'd have to say that really the only things that prodded me into finally getting this done was Steven Johnson's recent rant on Microsoft Word and an older look at Apple's upcoming feature Exposè.

So for your consideration my operating system rant.. Let me know when your done reading so I can stop sticking my tail between my legs...

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It continues to amaze me the number of people who still use and like MS Windows.

To me MS Windows (All versions after 3.11) are a muddled, blended thrown together mess. I know 95 has 16-bit code and I feel safe to assume 98 and ME have 16-bit code, as they are based on the same code base as 95. (2000 and XP are NT based, but I wouldn't be surprised if 16-bit code was still lurking in XP as it is the combination of the NT/2000 code base and the 3.1/95/98/ME code base.)

There is extremely old code (in computer time.) lurking in MS Windows XP. You need to look no further than the startup screen to see that code circa 1985 (Almost 20 years old!) is lurking in MS Windows XP. 20 years ago graphics were a strange luxury; CGA and EGA graphics were the rage. (Mind you EGA got up to 16 colors at a time at 640x350, CGA gets 16 colors at 160x200) I don't know about you but I don't like doing my modern day graphically intensive tasks relying on code that was better suited to single tasking at a blazing 4.77 mHz! (Yes, that was blazing and I remember how excited we were when we got to up to 16 mHz and then 66 mHz.)

---

But age of code aside there are still more reasons for running a non-MS Windows operating system.

Foremost is MS Windows's lack of stability. MS Windows has had a history of using sloppy memory management. While, I'm not quite sure about the details of the XP memory management model, I do know that the 95/98/ME model allowed a short DOS program (much shorter than this eJournal entry) to bring down a whole system. While these programs were theoretical they illuminated a potential flaw, that a program could deliberately or accidentally expose. Unix, Linux and Mac OS X routinely run for days if not months on end, even with crashing programs. Even when exposed to malicious or poorly written programs.

MS Windows users (including myself.) are actually used to rebooting, dealing with random cryptic error messages, and the always popular blue screen of death that is only topped by the total freeze or the pixellated rainbow randomness. In Mac OS X land, the only error you usually get is a program crashed and all you have to do is start it again. No mess, no fuss, no rebooting.

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Operating systems should provide maximum abstraction from the hardware. Users should have to interact with hardware explicitly as little as possible; whenever possible the operating system should load appropriate drivers and make contact with the hardware and figure things out on its own. It should not bother the user with wizards, setup genies or other mystical and cryptic "helpers."

Microsoft has been touting plug-n-play, which should really be called: plug, click through a bunch of windows, find your MS Windows CD, hope you pick the right driver, then reboot three times, wait maybe its plug-n-play, which is just short for plug-n-playandfoolaround for a while. Mac OS X is just plug-n-go, no playing required.

---

Okay, I'm going to ramble on a little more.

A computer and an operating system should come from a company that has humans in mind, the computer should bend for us, we shouldn't bend for the computer.

A quick look at the icon creation guidelines of Mac OS X and MS Windows XP should provide insight into what I'm talking about. The Apple document is concerned with how to make icons look like what the program does, and how to be visually communicative. Whereas, the Microsoft document concerns itself with the mechanics of making an icon and gives no consideration to what the user would use the program for or how to, for example differentiate utilities and entertainment applications.

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I doubt I've made a convincing argument. Its just I really think all the people who complain and moan about their MS Windows machines, but then go buy another one should look at macs seriously! Switching isn't too bad, it might take you a weekend at worst, but I doubt it.

My personal opinion, Mac OS X is the best operating system for a large majority of people. Period.

BSFP

Ahhhhhhhhhh! there is a huge mass of fresh-people and their origin carbon based beings around me.

All these naive people who are attempting to discover what they want to do with their life but most likely have a reasonable chance of misstepping and wasting these years in school or getting a degree in something that they have no desire to work in.

At least I stopped before I got the degree, so no one can get confused and thing I'm credentialed in theatre; all they know is that I have a mass of credits floating in the ethereal space of college registrar's computers.

---

This decision is slightly more tangible than it was a few weeks back, but I still don't feel comfortable with it yet.

But I must stop now, time to get my BS filter going, the admissions presentation is about to start, so the BS is going to flow thick and hard.

CWRU Thoughts

Okay, I just got done with the campus tour part of my tour of CWRU.

I know these things always put the best foot forward, no matter what. Its like asking a dentist how a procedure is going to be, you'll never get the answer: "You'll be in excruciating pain for the next three weeks and you'll always get food stuck."

Okay all in all I'm impressed.

• This campus has character, there are old buildings, newer buildings, relaxing areas around the buildings, bike racks, etc.
• What seems like a real dedication to actual learning, its "both a liberal arts college and a major research institution." (Yeah hows that for a marketing line?)
• There are actually residential communities, and most of the population is residential
• Taking classes outside of your major isn't considered weird or abnormal, just something that people do.
• I talked with my tour guide, who is a lesbian, after the tour and she indicated that there is a pretty vibrant community, with little problems. In addition I know Cleveland supports enough of a gay community to have a pretty good sized bi-weekly newspaper. (as opposed to a gay-weekly newspaper.)

Can I just apply here and call it a day? I really want to get back into college, I just want to do it correctly no matter what, and I recognize that doing things correctly requires a proper amount of perspective and thoughtful planning, not jumping into it based on less than 24 hours of experience...

Geeze I don't want to go back to Dayton, I really don't. But at least I have a second job that I think I'll actually like waiting for me when I get back. Yea!

August 07, 2003

Thoughts on Savage Inequalities

I don't know where to start. I picked up the book Savage Inequalities out of my library and decided to read it.

I'm pretty sure I had to buy it for my HST103 class and it was one of many books that never got read in my school years. (Its actually sort of ironic, I've become a semi-voracious reader, after I stopped going to college, go figure.)

The book is about the conditions of schools and the inequalities between schools in different areas. A recurring figure is the amount spent per pupil. This goaded me into figuring out how much money has been spent on my education. Its astonishing, from pre K Kindergarden to 12th grade there was over $100,000 spent on my education. Compare this to Mississippi where the same amount of money would've educated at least six students. Scary ain't it?

I'm reminded of a comment one of my philosophy professors said about Islam. He stated that one of the failings of radical Islam is specifically ignoring half their population. (All females in some Islamic societies are essentially considered property and not allowed to contribute to society.) While we are not as guilty of ignoring such a large population of our society, we are guilty for not properly educating ALL of our children.

If you want to think of it in purely economic terms, children are a perishable good that must be invested in to have an economic return to society. There are two basic scenarios here. We take child A, who lives in a upper class New York City suburb where they spend $11,000 a year on A's education. Because the community spends so much on A's education they're able to place A in a class of 18 students and provide A with a large list of extracurriculars to choose from. On the other end of the spectrum we take child B, who lives in a mediocre area of Brooklyn where they spend only $4,950 a year on B's education. Because the community neglects B's education B is in a class of 28 students that shares a room with another class of 27 students. The teacher is underpaid and specifically teaches toward the test. There are no extracurriculars to speak of whatsoever. (BTW: A's and B's parents were uncreative with names.)

This of course is a simple argument, B's community does not care and therefore will let B's education languish. This neglects the fact that the land owners in Brooklyn tax themselves (or are taxed by their tenants) at a higher percentage rate than the land owners in A's suburb.

But I have assumed that it is logical and meaningful to define A's and B's communities by the location of their home. But the community that will be affected by the results of A's and B's education is much larger. While by the very nature of how lives are lived it is difficult to determine what the return to society A or B will make. The returns can be measured in multitudes of ways: children successfully raised, net value added to the GDP, taxes paid into the treasury, number of lives saved from a cancer treatment, amount of money spent incarcerating one or both after committing a crime, etc, etc. The point being that if one wished someone could provide scores that codified what a specific person contributed to society at large, and what they took from society at large. People usually take the most from society the younger they are and eventually start making returns. Children are society's long term investment, the results of which will not be realized in the economy for upwards of 20 years. Plainly, individually children are a long term investment with a reasonable amount of risk, but a population taken as a whole the investment will pay off.

Given the ability to extrapolate A's and B's contribution to society as a whole it is ludicrous to tie their education to something as arbitrary as the location of their home. (This is not to say that this did not make historical sense when people were unlikely to leave the community in which they were born.)

As a result the method that is the most logical given the potential nationwide impact of A's and B's education is providing a majority of funding at the national level. In a way we already do this, just inequitably as Jonathan Kozol states in Savage Inequalities:

Because the property tax is counted as a tax deduction by the federal government, home-owners in a wealthy suburb get back a substantial portion of the money that they spend to fund their children's schools --effectively, a federal subsidy for an unequal education. Home-owners in a poor districts get this subsidy as well, but , because their total tax is less, the subsidy is less. the mortgage interested that homeowners pay is also treated as a tax deduction -- in effect, a second federal subsidy. these subsidies, as I have termed them, are considerably larger than most people understand. in 1984, for instance, property-tax deductions grated by the federal government were $9 billion. An additional $23 billion in mortgage-interest deductions were provided to home-owners: a total of some $32 billion. Federal grants to local schools, in contrast, totaled only $7 billion, and only part of this was earmarked for low-income districts. Federal policy, in this respect, increases the existing gulf between the richest and the poorest schools. (p. 55)

In addition funding education at a higher rate may in the long term reduce the need for federal and state expenditures, as a likely result of the lack of properly educating the whole population, is the need to incarcerate a significant portion of the population currently costs most governments approximately $20,000 per year, enough to educate two students at a reasonable quality level.

As a result we truly have dismissed one of our most fundamental responsibilities, ensuring freedom via a well educated populace. Thus by not educating and ensuring the productiveness of all children in this great nation, we are not only injuring those who are not educated well, but injuring ourselves.

August 12, 2003

Fiscal Whore!

I'm such a whore for money.

I'm on my break from my first real day at my second job. I'm telemarketing for a local arts organization. I'm content that I'm not selling crap at least.

Okay time to get back to work.

August 13, 2003

Reality in "Reality"

I admit it. I'm hooked.

I've previously professed that Reality TV is crap. But when The Advocate came out with their cover issue highlighting "Boy Meets Boy" I knew I was going to watch. So far I've been reasonably pleased with the show.

Quickly, for the record I think the producer's "trick" of including straight potential suitors is wholly appropriate and representative of actual life. I was actually quite a bit befuddled that a large number of people (including James, the bachelor (see the July 21st edition of Newsweek.)) had problems with this arrangement.

First, lets assume that these shows actually represent "reality." (They don't, they're more a laboratory for the producers.) I hate to break it to everyone but the world does not have a greater proportion of gay men than straight men. James and everyone else should be happy they didn't just round people up from anywhere irregardless of if they were gay or straight. Now that would be Reality TV. Instead James and everyone else who is bitching should feel grateful that the producers have put so many gay men together for James to date, and only scattered a few straight men in the mix.

Second, lets look at this thing. The point of it is not to get James a "mate". That is James's reason for participating, but the producers have explicitly said they're wanting to explore the homo/hetroattraction lines, and to place straight men in the closet so we have the other view. In all honestly I think they really need to explore the gender line more, and not beat the "Who's gay? Who is Straight?" line to death. That got annoying during the first half hour of the first episode. I spend all day looking at people trying to figure out that question, or I used to; it really doesn't come into my mind anymore except when I'm looking for potential dates. Which leads me to...

Third, this show provides a good example for all the straight men out there. I have for the longest time had trouble dating because I fear that I'll get the shit beat out of me if I ask a straight guy out. Here are straight guys who have pretended to be gay and nicely maneuvered the dating scene. There are no gay bashing, no profanities, but instead politeness.

But, honestly I think the road goes both ways. Gay guys need to stop saying "Oh, he just straight for now, wait till I get him." For you gay men out there who believe this line is valid, will you go find yourself some pussy? Yes, right now get out the phone book, and get a female escort. Plan to have sex with her. Ludricrious for you? Yes, so its ludicrous to expect a straight man to just turn gay for you. If we gay men want respect we need to give that as well.

Okay, all in all this is a pretty descent show, yes it has its flaws, but for a first go around I'm quite pleased with it and like the issues its examining, and hell I need all the dating help I can get!

August 14, 2003

Four cakes and a penny bun!

Yeah for British expressions.

I really wish right now I could sleep.. Thats what I would like the most.

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I'm spiraling into one of those fucking depressive moods that I know better to be in. But, for better or worse I'm here..

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I'm having singleitis right now.

I dunno, I think it started when I left work. I got thinking about a really good friend of mine at work who is leaving for perhaps greener pastures. I'm going to miss her. She makes me wish I was straight for all the right reasons. I want to date her. I want to romance her. She is one of just a handful of people I've had the pleasure of bumping into who I really feel content being in her presence.

Am I just perhaps grasping at straws? She's the best I've got at the moment so she'll do? I don't think so. I'm not that dishonest in what I feel.

---

Then I talked online. Cute boys, some taken, some perhaps unavailable.. Just all in all not anyone single who perhaps I could date.

I did talk with someone who I went to coffee with once. He's doing well. We're on completely friendly terms, but hell.. I'd love for things to work out with us in some way. But, well I don't think its going to happen.

---

I then visited Shawn's Webpage. I still miss him. But I see flaws and things that I don't like in him. Perhaps I'm finally losing my myopia? Lets hope. It doesn't hurt as bad as it used to, but what's the point differentiating between different degrees of hell? It still hurts.

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Next up the personal ads. I noticed a lot the same people. Some I know, some I've seen their personals before. And one who I chatted with for a long while a year or two ago..

Hell. I don't think I've got anything to lose. I'm gonna drop him an email see what becomes of it. Maybe this time we can actually get to a first date.

---

Oh one last thing, my cat dissed me.. that hurts.

August 15, 2003

Amish Paradise

Were we ever meant to be alone?

One of my friends at work, we'll call her Christy, had her last day yesterday. Since she's a third shifter we third shifters threw her the obligatory going away party.

I already feel really lonely. On the way home from work I was listening to the BBC World Service on WYSO. I listened to an intriguing interview of the founder of Bookcrossing.com, essentially its Where's George for books. He stated one of the reasons for starting the project was to develop a sense of community.

Have we all gotten so self absorbed and in our own world we need a book tracking site to develop a sense of community?

If it weren't for my liberal slant I'd go live with the Amish

August 18, 2003

Shaken Amish Paradise

Okay, I just typed the entry "Amish Paradise." I realized I didn't finish my thoughts on some things. (Thats what I get for writing it with a friend over my shoulder, KEVIN!)

Its about Christy. I feel in some ways like my community I've managed to assemble at work has been ripped apart. I understand and respect her decision to leave, but I am really pining right now to find a community where I fit in. WSU isn't it, I know that. CSD has been my good stop gap of a community for the time being, and Christy has been the person who makes that community for me.

Perhaps its just because she's the one who's closest in age to me. A majority of my coworkers are middle aged women. While I have a great track record of getting along with middle aged women, I really want to be around people of my age.. (Don't ask, for some reason me and middle aged women get along, I've never figured it out.) Which really means I should be in grad school. Because the high schoolers who graduated a year after me are now seniors in college.

In some ways I feel like a failure, but I've often made a point of succeeding on my own merits and on my own terms. To me it doesn't matter if someone else thinks I've succeeded, it matters if I think I've succeeded. (Whether this raises or lowers my "success" rate is unknown. I gander its a dynamic equilibrium. I have the same amount of successes, just different ones in my mind than in other minds.)

Hell, thats ironic, I'm going on about my need and like for community and then in one stroke, I say "fuck whatever anyone else thinks is success." I think I need people around to be able to feel that I'm different. I take pride in being different, thinking for myself, being a gadfly, stirring up the pot every once in a while. Thats impossible to do without anyone else around.

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Perhaps some of the reason I miss Christy is that I'm pining for a good conversationalist to have philosophical discussions. I've honestly considered dumping some of my high horses and going back to WSU to take a single philosophy class. I so desperately want to be able to have an intelligent thought provoking conversation with someone with all the stuff I'm reading, but I don't want to have to put up with all the pedantic rote classes that someone says I need to take, although I'm not going to retain any substantial information, and if I need to know it I'll be able to read up.

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I know I need to get grounded in a University sooner than later, but I'm wanting to lay my foundation where its not going to be out of place with the others around it.

August 21, 2003

Triangular Toppings

I just read Jonathan Franzen's essay "Imperial Bedroom" in his book How to be Alone. He works through the erosion of the Private into the public space. His underlying argument is that we should not be as worried about privacy as we should be about the preservation of public space. He laments the lack of laws and the disintegration of social mores protecting the public from the private. My friend, Dr. Bill Irvine also expresses this complaint in his book Doing Right by Children.

I am guilty of participating in and advocating for the movement of the "Private" into the public. I've written about just about everything in this eJournal. Even with my proclivity towards a completely public rendering of anything and everything in my life, I still find things to write about in my private eJournal.

But, what is in the private eJournal mostly is there because I want to prevent someone who I know from reading it. I would be perfectly happy letting any stranger read most of them.

There are a few entries though that I know I will only let my most trusted friends read, even then I would never discuss it with them though.

But is this a public space? Its not like people frequent and hang around on my eJournal. People specifically have to request this eJournal with their computer. Its more like a book in a library than a cell phone conversation on the sidewalk with others listening in. But this is still private information, in the public sphere. I'm inviting anyone to violate their public space by sprinkling my private life into their public space.

THE condementization of my life into other people's is a curious position to be in. I'm like a spice or topping that gets thrown onto their experiences to highlight this or that emotional flavor.

But you cannot reconstruct the full flavors of my thoughts and emotions from the miniscule condiment spattering here. They seem real and vivid and touching only because they enhance the flavor of the reader's emotions and experiences.

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But lots of writing and art only become truly alive and vibrant when applied against the reality of our own experiences. If we restrict our art to the public sphere and exclude anything that should be private, the ability for the stories we tell both to each other verbally and to the public at large to touch and genuinely flavor our own experiences is greatly and unfortunately diminished.

Herein lies the danger of completely restricting everything private from the public field. By preventing the full and complete mutual exchange of all human experiences we endanger our collective ability to fully explore ourselves and reach towards self-actualization.

August 22, 2003

Starbuckism

Starbucks is a special place for me.

It is one of the places that I go to be renewed, coddled and inspired. It is for all intents and purposes my place of worship. Going to and relaxing at Starbucks serves the same purpose for me as many people seek at their local houses of worship.

I don't believe I'm alone, the number of regulars that I see at my local Starbucks astounds me. We all communally go about our individual tasks and projects, but we all revel in the combined energy and tranquility that permeates the roasted bean aroma filled air. We relax, recline and take time to stop, to disconnect ourselves from the massive machine that is capitalism.

In this stopping we take time to savor life, if it be a book, a philosophical conversation, or just the flavors of our handcrafted, wallet draining, twenty ounce beverages.

In this savoring, this pausing we happily realize and enjoy the theological underpinnings of the goddess graced coffee place.

August 24, 2003

He's making a list...

I feel like I'm surrounded by religious idiots.

The Bible belt has gotten fatter and extended its grasp into Ohio. The number of bumper stickers, radio programs, television shows, legislative actions, crazy Alabama judges, books, and billboards has reached a level of saturation which I am beginning to find intolerable.

It wouldn't be as bad if the people saturating the space were not hypocrites.

(Before I proceed any further a caveat. Terms such as "Christian." "Christianity," "religions believers," etc. are inherently vague. Given my desire for clarity and brevity (not to mention the time of day I'm writing this) I will forego any semantical heavy lifting. I believe my meanings will become clear.)

Jesus stated "love your neighbor" All I see is a lot of self centered, borderline violent behavior. How can people professing to follow this ideal but who then are rude, engage in homophobia and bigotry, and other just plain inconsiderate acts?

Perhaps this is because of the sin concept. Which in my estimation works more along the lines that you screwed up then apologize for it. Doesn't it make more sense to try not to sin in the first place?

Given that religion is faulty in this regard because it is reactive and not proactive. I'm really not surprised that we've had an ethical and moral dilemma building in this country.

But given the aforementioned flaws of religion should we solely push religion as the panacea?

I agree with The Dali Lama in this regard. He states in Ethics for the New Millennium that "...I have come to the conclusion that whether or not a person is a religious believer does not matter much. Far more important is that they be a good human being." (p. 19)

Given all this people should ultimately focus on being a good human being, god (if he exists) will not care if you practice a religion and are not a good human being.

If we all make a point of being good humans and respect each other, we will be more likely to be able to live in harmony. And who doesn't want that?

August 26, 2003

All good things must come to an end

I went and attempted to visit the Lambda Union website to ferret out a piece of information. (Hey, I wrote the page, but I just forgot what was on it.) I mysteriously got a URL not found error. (I had just typed the URL directly to a page a few levels down.) Assuming my brain had farted, I went to the top level site and prepared to navigate down. But what greeted me was a new website.

I used to consider the Lambda Union website, which is archived on my site, my magnum opus of website design. I had thought that I'd set the organization up on a platform that would keep it going for a while, without forcing every webmaster to redo everything.

Instead the new webmaster just went and deleted the whole thing. Of course I have to laugh because he used Front Page, and the site as stands is a violation of WSU Web Policy.

What sort of annoys me is some pages are rips of mine. For example, the current links page and my links page.

That is really the only clear place of ripping my edition of the site off. They're more subtle things like the general division of the areas on the site that are present in the current version, and in my version but not in the version before mine.

I'm a little bit frustrated that I'm given no credit whatsoever. I created the logo and some other things on the site. (Ali Lane did re-composite into a better quality.) But, I guess I should feel secure in that at least what I created is still used.

As for the new site. I actually sort of like it. It has this quaint homey feeling, and not the "corporate" feel that is permeating WSU so much nowadays. The only history it has on it is one short "History" piece that Kevin Plessinger wrote at the request of Amanda Bennett for my edition of the website. It is of course following Wright State tradition in having only a passing mention of history, as the WSU is completely dedicated to destroying and overwriting their history as quickly as possible. Thus is the danger of always being in the now.

---

I miss Lambda Union, but I can't go back. There are too many memories, both bad and good. Plus, there is just so much young blood that I'd feel like a completely old fart and I'd be continually saying "In my day we used to..." It just wouldn't be pretty.

Time as we see it is linear, there is no going back, as much as we would like to.

August 28, 2003

Excel Fun

I've been a bit of an Excel addict as of late.

I keep just about anything and everything in Excel, including my bank account register. I got sick of always having to fire up another program to get a calendar. I went searching on the net and the calendars online and all I found was these over designed spreadsheets with addins and the like; All I want is just a calendar out of formulas or something that automatically updates itself all the time.

So if you want it done right do it yourself, so I did. Tada! Nick's perpetual Excel spreadsheet calendar! Enjoy and use it however you like. However it is under the Creative Commons license with the rest of the site.

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My second use of Excel recently was utilizing it in helping me ascertain who is gay and straight in Boy Meets Boy. After a quick stop to think about it I didn't need to use a spreadsheet but, it helped me ferret out some of the trends the producers have been using to manipulate James's choices. The straight boi is Franklin. How? Because he was paired with the last straight man to leave, Sean. So to make sure there was one straight man in the last round the producers put both of them together.

But it appears in the previous episodes they've made a completely gay group, a completely straight group, and one mixed group. Therefore they've ensured that both gay and straight "mates" get to the final round.

What I find most frustrating is before I stopped and thought about it I thought Brian was the straight one by his lax attitude during discussions with the other guys. This tells me how defective my gaydar is. Will someone please find me another model because I need a replacement unit ASAP!

If that doesn't happen I'll just have to find myself in a position of power and institute a mandatory labeling policy. Everyone will have to wear a large label detailing everything that a label could be decided on, therefore there are no secrets..

(BTW: If you think I was serious, seek mental help.)

August 31, 2003

An economics experiment

For some reason unbeknownst to me I've been exploring the thought experiment of what I would do if at the age of 68 (or thereabouts) I was diagnosed with a cancer which if left untreated would kill me within the next two years, and if I pursued treatment I would have a 30% chance of making it past two years and a 20% chance of living past five years.

I want to passionately and intellectually argue that I would not purse treatment and instead focus on wrapping my affairs up, making peace with that which I need to make peace with, and ensure that I have no regrets.

Although that seems the thoughts of a healthy twenty-something year old who is able to be overly dispassionately detached from life.

Logically foregoing treatment is following a path that will be least disruptive to society both in medical costs and allowing everyone around me the peace of mind of having properly wound down relationships.

Emotionally, I believe not accepting treatment is the more loving thing to do. Given the utter horrors suffered by those undergoing cancer treatment, not to mention the stress placed on their familial caregivers. I've seen this personally, its not some theoretical abstract.

---

To chose treatment in this situation that you have less than a 30% chance of living is cruel to yourself and give false hope to those around you. No one should be forced to go through the pains of fighting cancer or being misled into the future possibilities of future live with the ill person. One has no business of choosing treatments and creating false hope when you have less than a 30% chance of living.

---

I have no doubt that I am in the minority on this issue.

Perhaps this is an outgrowth of capitalist ideals, specifically the "dog eat dog" mentality and "the game ain't over till its over." (Anyone who's played a friendly game thats turned nasty knows this isn't true.) These mentalities are of possibly an outgrowth of capitalism, but I tend to feel that its more just a scared realization of people understanding how they've misplayed the ultimate economic game, that of what to do with your life.

Economics is the study of scarcity and choices imposed by that scarcity. Death is the realization that life is scarce and forces the evaluation of choices, but whereas with a checkup account of our daily schedule we receive multiple opportunities to evaluate our economic choices, with life we only have one final reckoning.

I am reminded of a quote by James Dean, "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."

Good advice, perhaps by following it we shall spare ourselves and our relatives the sufferings of cancer.

September 02, 2003

Stand on your Desk

I'm reading Steven Johnson's Interface Culture: How New Technology Transforms the Way We Create and Communicate. I'm having trouble pinning these ideas directly to Johnson's text. (The curse of reading lucid intriguing writing, you don't want to stop to express your own ideas.)

He spends considerable time examining the computer interface as a metaphor. The dominate computer metaphor is the desktop. While there are a few computer specific innovations we still basically work by placing one document on top and working on it or placing multiple documents side by side.

At this point I'm reminded of my dad's desk when he used to be a VP of a midsize company with a huge desk that consistently had piles 3 to 4 inches deep. In computer terms he was running an obscene number of different applications. He would of course sort of know where what he needed was and after some flipping through on his desk he could find what he needed. The time it took him to find an item was directly related to the amount of time last elapsed since using it. The more recently he used it the faster he could find it.

Fundamentally this carries over to the computer desktop, as you get more things piled up on the desktop the longer it takes to find something. Computer's UI's haven't changed this much, all UI's just give us different tools to flip through our stacks of windows. All the different tools essentially equate to an automatically updating list of what is running. If its the MS Windows taskbar or the Alt-tab interface, on Mac OS 9 its the menu in the upper right corner, on Mac OS X it gets visual with the dock, but for all intents and purposes they're all just differently formatted lists.

This is not to say that these are the only ways to organize a desk. You could get multiple desks and organize each of them, by some predetermined theme. Various XWindows windows managers achieve the same effect by having multiple different workspaces and you can also connect multiple independently driven monitors to one computer and have as many workspaces as monitors.

The recurring concept is the continuance of the faithful persistence to the desktop metaphor over a large number of operating systems. You can get your computer anyway you want it as long as its a digital version of a desk. (At least there are more choices than just black.)

This is not to deny there have ben attempts at other metaphors most notably Microsoft's Bob, which Johnson convincingly argues is not a metaphor but instead a simulation, he states this as one of the major reasons for its failure.

It is actually quite amazing that our primary computer metaphor is still the desktop. Admittedly there have been a few new ideas here and there, but fundamentally its just a matter of varying the number and size of desks and the way in which the program list is presented and utilized.

Apple's new feature in Mac OS X 10.3 Panther, Exposé does not fit neatly into a list or a desk size category. AS demonstrated it is similar to a list because it shows all open windows on one screen, it is similar to obtaining a larger desk, but it also arranges everything on the desk one layer deep. In doing this it also creates a visual map or list of the running programs. Steven Johnson wrote that this capitalizes on people's visual memory, something which none of the other list methods do to the same extent. (the others limit themselves to icons only on lists.)

I cannot wait to get my hands on Panther and try this out. But I'm not thrilled to shell out $129 for it.

Hmm, I wonder how long it'll take Microsoft to come up with their mediocre version of Exposé.

September 11, 2003

Fast Food Theatre

One of the things I've picked up in my direct to consumer arts marketing position at my second job is that there are certain productions, usually musicals, that have achieved this mythical status, they are musicals that everyone goes to see, again and again. They make for great shows to bring into town to get the names and addresses of anyone remotely interested in the arts so we can bombast them with telephone calls in the future for the less popular shows. Some of these fast food productions are Rent, The Lion King, Phantom of the Opera, The Producers, Les Miserables, and Miss Saigon, just to name a few of the heavy weights.

But what makes these productions fast food productions vs. other theatre? Simple, they fundamentally have only been directed once in the original production. Every subsequent production looks materially similar to the previous production. While of course the set is put together differently, the costumes are resized to fit different actors, and characters are approached from a slightly different acting motivation, the current productions are the same as the original. There has not been a revisioning by an experienced director to recast the production into a different light that speaks to current audiences, instead these productions are left speaking to audiences who walked out of theatres 5, 10 or even 20 years ago, but not to today's audiences.

---

This is not to say that these shows don't serve a purpose but they shouldn't be the only productions on your theatre diet, just as you should eat a larger variety of food than just McDonald's you should see more theatre than just Phantom of the Opera or Cats, because there are a lot of great varieties and flavors out there, and just one flavor is pretty bland.

911 Again!

Its that day again, September 11th, the only date that means something than just a reference to a 24 hour period.

The strange thing is I don't feel any safer or anymore fearful. (Well at least from dying.)

If we were really worried about saving the most lives we wouldn't fight the "war on terrorism." We'd be fighting the war against stupid irrational driving or better yet the war against obesity, or apathy, or ignorance, or malnutrition. (Perhaps fat transplants, take it out of the obese and inject it into the malnourished, but I digress.)

Declaring a war on apathy or stupid irrational driving of course is a ludicrous idea. Nobody would last 24 seconds at a west wing lawn podium announcing such an initiative. Why? Because these are attitude adjustments and not battles to be fought. We are not fighting the war on terrorism, instead we are fighting the war against non-security oriented mindsets. Again a ludicrous "war" against attitudes.

The "war on terrorism" will never end; its the nature of the beast. Its not to say that there hasn't been some good out of this "war". The fact that we have one department charged with protecting the security of the country is a good thing.

---

But I think we've lost the war. Why? Because when you interview security screeners they're just looking for a job, states still have insecure ID systems, people are so concerned with themselves and self focused to actually give a damn about national security. They want it to be someone else's problem, but they don't want to lose any rights.

So which do you give up? Anyone who does this life calculus comes to one of two binary answers derived from their value of freedoms. Either they value their freedoms and are willing to bear the slight additional risk, or like insurance obsessed freaks feel a need to reduce risk at all costs no matter if it costs more than its worth.

---

But who is the enemy now? I miss Saddam Hussein because he at least provided a focus, now we're left with "Dark Actors" to quote a victim of the war on terror.

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Last year's effort was better, read it.

September 23, 2003

In Search of Cement

I'm plagued by the continual desire to engage in ceaseless unrelenting composition. The gears turning within my cranium never stop, but instead refocus and occupy themselves by scripting possible conversations that are wholly unlikely to happen. I have my thoughts as to why this is such a recurring idle time activity of mine. While others debate about dinner, I write useless, unneeded, and ethereal scripts in my head of situations which most likely will never have a viewer to collapse the possibility waves that Bohr cheerleaded for.

---

A second character on which to draft an ethereal script concerning the sister of the core philosophical question does not exist within my character repertoire.

I've been trying to come up with a draft edition of an answer to the question "What should I do with my life?" I've been unable to figure out who would be a second character upon which to cast my etherescript to allow a full explanation.

(By the way Po Bronson's book What Should I do with My Life? is pure crap worthy of being served to the finest toilet bowls.)

There are potential companion characters for me for the proposed uncomposed etherescript. Jenni as well as Christy are very attractive potential candidates, but they are so focused on being supportive that they are not critical enough.

I've also had to resist casting Brad, my boyfriend for a personal record breaking three weeks and two days. Its not that I wouldn't like to cast him in my personal etherescript but if I do cast him the question slyly morphs from "What should I do with my life?" to "What should we do with our lives together?" I, of course, would love to be able to explore this question with a fictional Brad, but with less than a month of dating I'ven't earned the right to ask it. (Not to say I'ven't tried to ask it, but I've been forced to resort to self flagellation when I attempt to answer variants of it, and the concussion I'm getting from my efforts is beginning to require medical attention.)

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As much as I hate to admit it I know the answer in broad strokes. I am a creator. Ultimately, I want to take all the ethereal pieces floating and flying around me and gel them into a play, book, eJournal entry, letter to the editor, movie, photograph, video, theatrical production, web page, sculpture, painting, drawing, or combination. Being touched by the muse and transforming the quantum superpositionally held information within my cabeza and shaping it into something concrete and formed is what I do with my life and want to do with my life, but how to work that into something that I can live on this culture?

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(Questions to answer questions, never a concrete answer.)

September 24, 2003

Where on the Green Road?

I've been reading the Dali Lama's Ethics for the New Millennium. In general it has not been a thought provoking book. I find myself just nodding and saying, "Uh huh, okay, I agree with that."

I was struck though by his statement on the environment. Simply and eloquently he states:

[The area in which we have special responsibilities is] ... our natural environment. Again, this responsibility has less to do with questions of right or wrong that with the question of survival. The natural world is our home. It is not necessarily sacred or holy, it is simply where we live. It is therefore in our interest to look after it. This is common sense. But only recently have the size of our population and the power of science and technology grown to the point that they can have a direct impact on nature. To put it another way, until now, Mother Earth has been able to tolerate our sloppy house habits. The stage has been reached where she can no longer accept our behavior in silence. The problems caused by environmental degradation can be seen as her response to our irresponsible behavior. She is warning us that there are limits even to her tolerance. (p. 187-188)

There should be no argument on this topic. Just as family members share the same house, we all share the same planet. There is at this point no other viable biosphere.

This argument can also be phrased in several different ways. The argument for universalizability fits as well. While Dr. William Irvine elaborates on the argument in The Politics of Parenting, succinctly it is: while something that one person does does not cause any substantial harm, if many people do the same thing in aggregate those actions are significantly harmful therefore they should be prevented. The logic for protecting the environment follows so clearly for this I shall not elaborate upon it.

A third argument for "environmentalism" is an economic one. Often times given an environmentally destructive and an environmentally non-destructive way to do a task the destructive one will have less direct costs, but instead will have indirect costs born in the form of increased health care needs for the populace, reduction in drinkable water, less breathtaking views, etc. Decision makers should deliberately and consciously consider the environmental impact within their economic analysis. This should be one of the many factors considered in addition to the direct business considerations.

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The environmentalism debate however expansive is just a subset of a much larger debate, that of collectivism versus individualism (or Objectivism) This is the major divide behind the Cold War, environmentalism, censorship, tax burden distribution, welfare, social security, school funding, among other ideological, sociological, and political debates.

Which one is right? Both and neither, depending on which topic we're addressing. The pure objectivists are too individually focused on one aspect of human nature, competitiveness, while the collectivists are ignorant of the same characteristic.

Where do I stand? As William Finn put it "Here I stand in the middle of the road."

Getting Standard

For those of you who don't pay lots of attention, the look of my Movable Type powered logs has changed recently. I've spent quite a bit of time upgrading and getting them to fit into the rest of the site. They now use the templates that my whole site uses, so it make my life so much saner. If you see any strange things or have a suggestion drop me a comment or an email, or just let me know what you think.

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In completely unrelated thoughts, I was looking through the eJournal and I read The Shawn Standard again. It's a nice piece of writing I think. But better yet, Brad fits the Shawn standard very well. There is no compromising on my part (or his as far as I know.)

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Well I've been working on this thing too long, so its bed time!

September 25, 2003

Cleaning House

I'm finding it interesting.

(Unreferenced pronouns near the beginning of written works are a tool that can be used for drawing the reader into the work.)

I've noted an interesting shift in attitudes towards the war in Iraq. Back in March public opinion appeared to be for the war, people believed that it was the right thing to do. They also apparently believed the administration that this war would "pay for itself in oil revenues" and would last "months not years."

Now people seem to be shifting away from supporting the war, having seen the actual costs. (both human and fiscal) As a whole we seem to have forgotten what my mother tried unsuccessfully to teach me: "Don't start something you're not going to finish."

While I have gotten better at following my mom's advice, I also recognize its one thing to start cleaning the bathroom, but a totally different task to set about remodeling the whole bathroom. Cleaning the bathroom requires little forethought as to the effort required to finish it; Remodeling the bathroom takes a substantially greater effort, as such requires deliberate and detailed planning.

We were told that we'd have a country to clean, not a country to remodel. But, now that we're stuck remodeling a country without the explicitly detailed planning needed to do it, as such people are wanting to bail. Anyone who has remodeled the sole bathroom in a house knows the problem is that the bathroom is the only essential room. (You can get takeout and forget about the kitchen, you can watch TV in the bedroom, and sleep in the family room, you cannot take a shower or a crap in any of the other rooms; you need a functioning bathroom.)

So we're stuck with an gutted non-functioning bathroom and the country is starting to lean against properly completing the remodel. As any handyman of the house knows starting to do something and not completing it will have significant costs, that will likely outweigh the costs of completing the remodel.

We're stuck in Iraq. While leaving Saddam Hussein in power would at the very least ensured a stable and controlled country, leaving Iraq at this moment would be a significant detriment to world wide security. America has succeeded in producing, nation state in the state of failure, exactly what the administration identified as a breeding ground for terrorism.

We must finish the remodel of Iraq that we have started, even if it requires that we must deploy even more of our young women and men into harm's way. This includes the possibility of instituting a program of conscription, if absolutely necessary.

I'm not a supporter of military conscription, the war in Iraq, or placing our young men and women in harm's way; I am a supporter of finishing what we start, unfortunately the costs are quite high.

September 26, 2003

Dorky Rain

I'm being a dork. A big clean shaven spiffy dork.

I'm sitting outside Brad's house waiting for him to arrive. We're going to Pride Night 2003 at Kings Island tonight.

Its raining a bit, which is bound to be a good thing for the park because it'll drive the people who were going to do this on the spur of the moment away and reduce the park attendance and make it easier to get on rides. (Not that that was going to be a problem anyway, but it'll make it even easier)

I wish I could do something to enjoy the rain and make some interesting observations, but honestly, its just that sort of monochromatic dampness, but all in all its a good monochromatic dampness. It provides a nice flavor to the experience nonetheless.

Well he's here....

October 01, 2003

Spam Toms

I've found it interesting recently that people and legislatures all over the place have been pushing to make it illegal to send spam, but no one has considered making it illegal to respond to an offer delivered via spam.

While making it illegal to respond to a spam offer initially seems crazy, consider that it is illegal to procure the services of a prostitute. While some might argue that prostitution should be legal, it currently remains illegal. (George Carlin has the clearest and most lucent argument on this subject, "Fucking is legal. Selling is legal. So why isn't selling fucking legal?")

The rational for the legal prohibitions against prostitution (ignoring religious and moral objections) are demoralization of women, the creation of a public health problem in the form of STDs, and the creation of "clutter" in residential as well as commercial areas. (i.e. destroying the atmosphere of neighborhoods.)

The rationales for making spam illegal respectively are the decreased usefulness of email, the creation of a problem that reduces the efficiency of the Internet and requires greater bandwidth and storage to be deployed, the increase of advertising thus making legitimate opt in email advertising less effective. (i.e. destroying an advertising vehicle)

In prostitution we prosecute both the prostitutes, Janes, and their clients, Toms. Simply the logic for prosecuting both the client and the service provider is economic, that if the client didn't exist the service provider couldn't exist either, so it is more effective to attack the problem from both ends and destroy the market for prostitution both by reducing supply and demand, therefore hopefully reducing the corresponding demand and supply.

But, all of the Spam bills being proposed only target the SpamJanes and not the SpamToms. Spam is a business and as such obeys the laws of economics. The business model of spam outfits only requires a miniscule response rate, as does the business model of a prostitute. If spammers received no revenue from their efforts they would have no incentive to engage in spamming. Ergo, responding to spam should be illegal as well, perhaps carrying a fine of $200 or double the amount spent on the goods advertised via spam, whichever is greater. This fine amount would ensure an adequate impact on Toms without imposing undue harm upon lower income Toms.

In a real world scenario law enforcement would track down the SpamJanes shut them down and utilize their sales records to prosecute the SpamToms. In addition law enforcement could also leave the websites of spammers operational to catch any future SpamToms. (This is akin to Police Officers posing as prostitutes.) It would also be logical to make it explicitly legal for law enforcement and/or private companies to hack SpamJanes's computer systems wherever they are located to obtain SpamToms sales records, and prosecute SpamToms even if the SpamJanes cannot be prosecuted for jurisdictional and/or technical reasons.

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Spam will remain prevalent in this country as long as it is profitable. While SpamJanes can move out of the country to shield themselves from US laws, most SpamToms are unable to do so. By making it illegal to respond to spam it will not affect those who already ignore spam, and will make clear disincentives to respond to spam.

Any anti-spam efforts should be multi-pronged working to reduce the prostitution of email in any way possible.

Business aspirations

Ick, I'm trying to figure out a way to make this glorious document in some way revenue producing, or at least raise my writer profile in some way.

I've already applied to be a Google AdSense client, as well as appealing directly for donations. Neither has produced any revenue. (Google denied my application, bastards.)

I've been thinking of making an effort to rework these into letters to Congress members or Letters to the Editor. Perhaps after sending enough reasonably analytic work into either I'll get an offer to be hired.

Or someone could just become a patron and fund my work on a monthly basis. Sigh, the patron/artisan relationship seems so useful its a shame that it didn't survive.

October 11, 2003

Religious Underpinnings

People who are fundamentalists about their religion perplex me.

One of the qualities i hold most dear is the ability to reason.

I do not usually find reason and religion mutually exclusive. to the contrary when I examine religions I see what is the product of rational thought. Prohibitions against birth control and homosexuality are justified and rational if you're given a world where most people die at 35 or 40 and manual labor is imperative to maintaining society and the number of people reaching the age of procreation is only around the number required to ensure that the population remains steady or growing at a small rate. These prohibitions, which both come from the desire to ensure that sex is linked only to procreation, do not make logical sense where the health care system ensures most of the population lives into their 70s and technology is significantly advanced enough that having a significant population directed towards manual labor is no longer necessary.

Returning to the core issue. I'm reading Jon Krakauer's book Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of a Violent Faith which explores a double murder in the Mormon community in Utah. What I'm having a hard time comprehending is the 1984 murders of Brenda Lafferty and her 15 month old daughter Erica by Brenda's brothers-in-law, Dan and Ron Lafferty. Dan and Ron did this because they received a revelation from god to "Eliminate" Brenda and erica among others.

I don't know where to start. Killing someone, especially a young child, is unthinkable to me. quite frankly the whole concept of god talking directly to people directing them what to do seems ludicrous. What I really see is that these revelations are a subconscious part of the brain coming out and that by phrasing them as revelations rides the revelator of responsibility for their actions or to repress the urge to act and deal with the underlying emotions.

I know my analysis comes from a humanist point of view. I firmly and adamantly believe that people should take responsibility for their actions. Passing the responsibility of on God or a Commander-in-Chief is an immature act of cowardice.

I would hold the Lafferty brothers in slightly higher regard if instead of stating that god directed them to "remove ... Brenda and her baby ... [because] they have truly become obstacles in [God's] path and I will not allow my work to be stopped." (p. 162) They stated that "We're going to kill that bitch because she took my family from me and doesn't know her place." (My words, but in character.)

For that matter i'd be more respectful of Bush and conspirators just came out and said "We want oil and big government contracts for our former employers." But, enough political digressions.

Some religions, especially fundamentalist editions, require the relinquishing of rationality and logic. Which is truly strange. If god gave you the ability to reason shouldn't you use it?

I'm left where I started. I'm really sure that I'll never understand people who come from a fundamentalist stance. But, then again who will ever figure me out fully?

"Personal" Bank "One to One"

I opened an account at Bank One yesterday. The only reason I did it was because they gave me a certificate for $50.00 so I figure I can deal with some extra paperwork for $50.00.

But, I swear that the "Relationship Banker" who set up my account was really doing his best to flirt with me in a low key way.

Admittedly this isn't the first time I've seen a flirty gay bank employee. Well, I really would like to know him better. (You never know where you'll find someone so its good to keep your eyes open.)

Well, I really should've dropped some low key gay reference, but well I wasn't thinking on my feet that fast.

Sigh. someday I'll get the flirting dating dance down. until then I'll just continue the ugly duckling dance and tripping over my feet.

October 13, 2003

Building blocks

I'm killing time because I have a dentists appointment and nothing to do. So I'm typing up eJournal entries and other things that have been lingering on paper.

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One of the ideas that got missed in the entry Religious Underpinnings was that I also believe that while all of the religions are different in their many ways, that if you start from their core tenants, you can generally build up via logical processes many of the general social mores and find that there is a great deal of commonality. Its a bit like deriving computer languages from two different sources, but coming up with something that is similar in both cases.

Formal Spam

It took me longer that I would've like it to, but I turned the entry SpamToms into a letter to my Congressional Representatives. I'm going to be sending it off soon, but here is your preview edition!

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I have been following with much interest the US Congress's efforts to address the Internet problem of Unsolicited Commercial email (UCE), more colloquially known as Spam.

I am disappointed though with the lack of understanding and technical ineptitude displayed concerning the Internet the email transmission protocols, business models, and international enforcement issues displayed by current proposals.

It is my decade plus worth of experience using computer networks that leads me to believe that making it illegal to send UCE will not successfully reduce the proliferation of UCE in Americans' email inboxes. Any anti-UCE efforts should be multi-pronged working to reduce the prostitution of email in any way possible.

What is necessary in addition to technical solutions that are being explored within the industry is the radical legislative position making it illegal to respond to UCE in addition to the currently proposed prohibitions to sending UCE.

Initially holding the consumer as well as the producer responsible for UCE appears to be criminalizing the victim, it is the sole way to effectively destroy the market that exists for and sustains UCE.

The legal rationale for criminalizing consumption as well as production is well understood presently in the legal rationale for outlawing prostitution.

The reasons for prohibiting prostitution are: (exclusive of moral and religious objections, which do not apply to UCE)

1. The degradation of women.
2. The creation of a public heath problem by encouraging the spread of STDs.
3. The creation of "clutter" in residential as well as commercial areas that leads to reduced property values.

Similarly the reasons for seeking to prohibit UCE are:

1. The degradation of the usefulness of email.
2. The creation Internet performance degrading traffic that requires that providers purchase more bandwidth, more storage, and higher-powered servers.
3. The increase in advertising messages that "clutters" the advertising landscape and reduces preexisting advertising's value.

In regards to prostitution, we prosecute both the prostitutes, Janes, and their clients, Toms. Simply the logic for prosecuting both the client and the service provider is economic, that if the client didn't exist the service provider couldn't exist either, so it is more effective to attack the problem from both ends and destroy the market for prostitution by reducing supply and demand, therefore hopefully reducing the corresponding demand and supply.

The UCE bills being proposed only target the UCEJanes and not the UCEToms. The UCE business model only requires a miniscule response rate similar to the business model of a prostitute, or a telemarketer. If UCEJanes received no revenue from their efforts they would have no incentive to engage in sending UCE. Ergo, responding to UCE should be illegal as well, perhaps carrying a fine of $200 or double the amount spend on the goods advertised via UCE, whichever is greater. This fine amount would ensure an adequate impact on UCEToms without imposing undue harm upon lower income UCEToms.

Hypothetically, under this legal structure law enforcement would track down the UCEJanes shut them down and utilize their sales records to prosecute the UCEToms. In addition, law enforcement could also leave the websites of spammers operational to catch any future UCEToms. (This is analogous to police officers posing as prostitutes.) It would also be logical to make it explicitly legal for law enforcement and/or private ISPs to hack UCEJanes's computer systems wherever they are located to obtain UCEJanes's sales records, and prosecute UCEToms even if the UCEJanes cannot be prosecuted for jurisdictional and/or technical reasons.

UCE will remain prevalent in this country as long as it is profitable. While UCEJanes can move out of the country to shield themselves from US laws, most UCEToms are unable to do so. Therefore by making it illegal to respond to UCE it will not affect those who already ignore spam, and will make clear disincentives to respond to UCE.

I appreciate actual efforts to reduce UCE but I urge the US Congress to pass legislation that will work in the real world and not just legislation that will make the US Congress appear to be addressing the problem.

Respectfully,
Nicholas Barnard

Brad

This is far too late by any count. But Brad and I have been dating for around a month and a half now. Its going slow, but I'm happy when I'm with him, and I'm pretty sure we're not going to repeat some of my past follies.

October 21, 2003

Drift

I have a way of picking the wrong movie to watch. Not that Drift is a bad movie, it just makes me want, well to search for that perfect someone, because well I don't think I've found him.

No humor

In the spirt of Ted L. Nancy's Letters from a Nut, I sent off an email to M&M/Mars about Skittles.

They didn't get it.

See for yourself.

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To: askskittles@mmmars.com
From: Nicholas Barnard
Subject: Product Defect

To Whom it May Concern:

I recently purchased a package of Skittles with the factory code 331BY3 from the vending machine at work. I was disappointed when I tossed them in the air they did not explode into fireworks as shown in a recent television commercial. Are these Skittles defective? Or do I need to be in an outdoor area to get the fireworks effect? I would appreciate any and all suggestions in how to get my Skittles to function properly.

Thank You,
Nicholas Barnard

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From: mm_mars@mmmars.com
To: Nicholas Barnard
Subject: Re: 5202061A

In response to your email regarding SKITTLES BITE SIZE CANDIES "FIREWORKS"

Thank you for your email expressing your concerns.

We respect our consumer's views and will pass your comments on
to our Marketing associates.

We thank you for your loyalty to our products.

Sincerely,

Consumer Affairs
Masterfoods USA
A Division of Mars, Incorporated

October 22, 2003

Origin Ruminations

If you bother to think about it for more than five minutes its amazing that man came into being as a result of a series of chance events.

Star Trek explains this away by stating that an ancient intergalactic civilization seeded our planet with DNA to allow it to evolve. This of course just shifts the question to how did they come into being? You still need to apply the same question just to a different civilization.

Relying on the random evolutionary argument is akin to getting a computer without an operating system, setting up a device to randomly type on it and hope that within the next 1,000 years it will create Windows. (wait, isn't this how its currently written?) I would be amazed and quite skeptical if this resulted in a functioning operating system. We have usable operating systems because there were intelligent designers who carefully created them.

Therefore I believe that there is an intelligent designer(s), ID, of the universe. The ID must be permanently existing, because if the ID at one point did not exist we would be at the same conundrum regarding the beginning of an intelligent designer. The ID could at one point cease to exist, but the ID must exist infinitely into the past.

I am not arguing for the existence of a standard Christian-Judea god. That perception of god is logically inconsistent. That god is a creation of human desires channeled into god's mouth for the benefit of easier codification and enforcement. Given that there are religions that are contradictory and that both use "god given" sources as their basis. It is reasonable to theorize that a Christian-Judea god as currently understood is a result of human desires, not actual divine inspiration. Finally a Christian-Judea god would be frustrated with the human manipulation of documents to fit the interpreter's desires.

The intelligent designer is fundamentally different than a Christian-Judea god because while a Christian-Judea god directs us how to live the ID has designed and does not interfere. God is akin to a computer programmer telling you exactly what you can and cannot do with an operating system, or an architect who directs people where to walk inside their finished building. Both the god like controlling architect and the god-like computer programmer would not be tolerated or reasonable.

In addition a god who wanted to speak to the populace would purchase infomercial time on every station to ensure that he wished to communicate was consumed. The god paradigm is the manipulation of man, if god wanted to speak he would speak directly and clearly.

The ID either cannot or chooses not to interfere.

The concept of an ID allows science to function and resolves questions regarding the beginning of the universe as well as the beginning of life.

Regardless of if the existence of an ID can be proven it provides a placeholder upon which to rest any logical construction of the universe.

October 25, 2003

Panther

I got my copy of Panther, installed it.

I'm quite thrilled. Apple has out done themselves once again, and I've only been using it for a little while.

October 27, 2003

Enronitis

I must have learned too much while I was reading up on Enron's failures. I just got paid today. for a while I have been trying to pay down my debts, so what I do is put all my bills in, subtract an amount to allow for "incidental" expenses, then put the rest toward a credit card payment. But, what I've been doing is playing the float on my checking account/Line of Credit Overdraft so when I get to the end of a two week period I'm "overdrawn" from my cash balance, thus spending money that I didn't intend to spend.

So here is the remedy, declared in public to prevent myself from "bending" my rules. The rules are:

1. My Line of Credit must not have any transfers into my checking account.
2. I must not spend past my "cash" balance.
3. All purchases must continue to be made and accounted for on a cash only basis. (i.e. No credit usage)

To achieve this I am going to:

1. Enter all transactions ASAP
2. Remove as many unnecessary transactions as possible.
3. Place a note of my cash balance within my wallet

If these goals and guidelines are not followed or met my punishment will be:

1. Suspension of all coffee shop purchases for two weeks.

Crazy? Probably. At least a good idea? Yes. Will it work? Stay tuned.

Crush

I have a crush on a "straight" guy at work.

I do want to tell him, because well I think he might actually be open minded to dating.

But, this is my fucking problem. (to paraphrase Chasing Amy)

I'm not quite sure how fair it is for me to even tell him.

Annoying deliberations will follow in my head

October 30, 2003

Out and Proud!?

Why be out and proud?

Being out to those around you and in any situation where appropriate (appropriate being where any average hetroattracted person would mention their husband, boyfriend, or sexual attractions.) is fundamentally just being honest with yourself and the world. In an ideal world being out would be the expected norm and being in the closet would be a dishonest despicable deception. But, we do not live in an ideal world, ergo there are situations where being in the closet are acceptable and understandable.

This brings us to pride. When one thinks of pride, scenes of same-sex mardi grases proliferation the world during the month of June abound. It is unfortunate that pride has been co-opted into an excuse for a drunk party. But, at its core pride events are just an extension of being out.

They are being out publicly, in a group reaffirming your identity in a shameless way.

It is as if like Howard Beale in Network we're collectively screaming "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"

but should pride be separate from being out? As a festival the June events should exist as a celebration of history and the ability to be out. But, everyone should be proud everyday, as a component of healthy living we all must be out and proud of who we are, regardless of our sexual attractions or any other trait.

We as well as our communities deserve that much respect.

Happy Birthday!

to me! Emails, iTunes gift certificates, Amazon Gift Certificate, as well as cash are all appreciated!

November 02, 2003

Damnit!

Okay, its a damnit for the right reasons. This whole focusing on writing stuff and I can be a writer bullshit isn't really what I can do. Its not to say I cannot write, but it isn't my strongest feature.

I know I'm articulate and all that good shit, and I can explain myself into a hole when need be and examine something from every angle possible. But between seeing The Spitfire Grill at the Human Race and watching Lost in La Mancha on DVD just now, I know I have to be involved in theatre and/or movies. Its just where I'm alive and happy.

Don't get me wrong its a bitch and its hard fucking work. (oh yeah everyone thinks making a movie or putting on a theatrical production is something easy that you just do, but all of the productions I've ever done have been some of the hardest things that I've done.

So where do I go from here? I'm not going back to Wright State I've squeezed all I can out of that place, and not even the most tight fisted person could get anymore out of it.

So the plan, is a variation on the one I've already been following. Work, launch the web design business, pay off my debts and get my ass back in college for theatre production. Sigh. Its a long road ahead of me.

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Oh and one more thing. This dating bullshit. It ain't worth my time. I've given up on the men in Ohio. It just doesn't seem to work very well.

Iraq Ranting..

I think its pathetic that now over fifty percent of Americans want our troops out of Iraq. I seem to recall that before this invasion that a majority of Americans wanted us to invade Iraq.

Idiots.

For the record, I was and I still am against the War in Iraq, but that is a moot point now. Its like arguing that we shouldn't've allowed planes to fly on September 11th 2001. Its done, period its in the past, lets move on.

If anything we need more troops in Iraq than less. Why? When the US invaded Iraq and deposed the existing government we assumed responsibility for the security and welfare of Iraq. This is part of our responsibilities as an occupying power. Leaving Iraq now would be illegal, immoral, and quite stupid.

We've been persistent on fighting this war on a shoestring. The administration has wanted to always downplay the costs involved with this war. They stated before the beginning of the war that it would pay for itself with Iraq oil revenues. Rumsfeld has trumpeted this war as being light on troops and "streaming" the troops into Iraq, stretching supply lines and reducing necessary support. Bush staged a publicity stunt and declared the "end" of hostilities, but since that declaration more US troops have been killed in Iraq than before that declaration. I'm not a military strategist but you cannot fight this type of war on the quick; Its just not possible.

So in my 23 year old, uneducated about military and foreign affairs here is what I recommend:

1. Put enough troops in Iraq to secure the country so those international organizations that are trying to do some helpful work actually can do their work, instead of getting bombed out of Iraq.
2. If we cannot recruit enough troops, reinstitute the draft. Yes its politically unpopular, but this is why we still have registration for the draft around.
3. If we reinstitute the draft, also drop Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Pursue. (Hell drop it anyways) Expect troops of all sexual attractions to treat each other with professionally, if they cannot, send them back to middle school. If this is unacceptable immediately honorably discharge all women in the armed forces; we cannot have anyone in the armed forces sexually attracted to each other. (There is a practical reason behind this as well, we've lost needed Arab translators needlessly to this bigoted rule.)
4. Raise taxes. As much as the tax cuts have been touted to get the economy moving, it is abdominal that the lower income tax brackets are being asked to pay a greater portion of all the taxes. (This isn't rocket science, the bottom two tax brackets have remained unchanged, while all the other ones have been cut. Thus, given the whole of collected taxes, a higher percentage of the revenue is coming from lower tax bracket taxpayers. To top it off we're putting money in the pockets of higher tax bracket tax payers by borrowing money which we will have to pay interest on.) Given that past wars have had taxes brackets as high as 75% it is not unreasonable to ask the upper bracket tax payers to pay perhaps 45% to 55%. Make these automatically sun setting on the number of troops in Iraq, say after the troop count falls bellow 7,000 they go back to the current rates. Nuff said about money.
5. Sell this war honestly, we're in Iraq and we're going to be there in a while, lets get some accurate honest estimates as to how long and how much this will cost. It ain't pretty but we're already stuck in Iraq, lets know what we've got to deal with.

Okay that is all for now, I think I've gone on for long enough. By the way, these suggestions go for both parties and whoever gets elected to the White House in 2004.

Payments

Given that I've taken to declaring my fiscal intentions in public, I guess I'll just continue. I'm pledging to make $230 in additional debt payments each pay period up until and including my first paydeposit in January 2004. That should get me down to only two credit cards left, although they're the big ones.

November 04, 2003

Exersized Democracy

I voted today. I even checked to make sure my ballot was hanging chad free, and properly punched out. I'm not contributing to an election fiasco.

November 06, 2003

Pissy $798 hour

Okay. I'm in one of those pissy ass moods.

What did this? Before I came into work I was happy and talking with Jenni at Starbucks. I talked a little too much and arrived at work 6 minutes late, which is 3 minutes past the end of the 3 minute grace period.

Given that being late knocked 25 cents per hour for the month off my performance bonus which at 40 hours per week is a cut of $40.00 or so.

So those three minutes end up being valued at $798 per hour. ($40 lost/3 minutes=$13.33 lost per minute. $13.30 lost per minute x 60 minutes=$798 lost per hour.)

So now you know why I'm pissed I lost my performance bonus. I know there is no way my company can honestly say that our work is valued at $798 per hour. I know at our most profitable operating peak we're pulling in $49.20 to $75 per hour. But usually we're rarely at our most profitable.

So now you see why I'm a little pissy ass. But it is all good. I just got 100% on one of my two monthly surveys. Maybe I could convince them I'm worth $798 per hour. Then I'd always be on time.

November 07, 2003

Search for Gay Reality

When I was a little younger one of the things I found (and currently do find) extremely frustrating is the lack of diverse, images of gay men and honest realistic images of gay men and gay life.

(I will readily concede that all media images of hetro and homo attracted people are distorted.)

I sometimes really get this feeling I'm a bit of lithium in a sea of water, out of place desperately seeking a sea of lithium or maybe even just some kerosene to reside in. But for now I'm stuck sputtering, sparkling and flaring up every once in a while.

I don't think I'm alone in my desire to be around a bunch of homoattracted people. The concept of the "gay ghetto" is well established. I was even once chastised by the GLBT community at Wright State because I TiVo'd Scrubs, but not Will & Grace. The GLBT people in question assumed that because I'm gay that I'd watch it religiously. But it doesn't interest me, because really it is a distorted view of life, like many sitcoms and is overly dependent on stereotypes. For example:

• Grace - She is the classic fag hag, slightly in competition with Will, but always supportive of him.
• Will - The obstinate professional who is a lawyer first and is perpetually dating, clumsy and single.
• Karen - An often quirky hetro attracted woman, who is too cartoonish to exist in real life. Arguably she exists to mellow out the portray of Jack. (more on that in a moment.)
• Jack - Quite frankly is one of the most egregious portrayals of a stereotype, he is a fun loving, moderately irresponsible, always funny and artistic to a fault portray of a gay queeny fairy. He exists as the musing entertainer. Sean Hayes's performance, while faithful to the character as written, echos of the blackface of the Blackface Minstrelsy in which Black entertainers in order to compete with the black makeup of white imitators darkened their skin, in order to fit the role as modified by their white imitators. Sean Hayes in the same way plays Jack with reinforced gayness, the same way as a hetro attracted actor would play the character to ensure that no one would mistake his intentions.

These characters simply put are unrealistic extremes. To state that Will & Grace represents gay life is the same as saying that The Simpsons represent Middle America. They're both funny and insightful in their own way, but ultimately they're just cartoons.

But, I have digressed from my initial purpose. I have longed for a love son from one man to another that doesn't involved AIDS, death, or other depressive subjects. I have finally found one, Hitchhiking Across America (iTMS|Amazon), composed by William Finn and performed by Lewis Cleale. It is a beautiful song, simple but moving. I wish I had heard it when I was 17.

I cannot wait to find another.

November 09, 2003

Poor excuse of a Company

I'm frustrated. The poor excuse of a cable company, Time Warner seems to be content with allowing their service to completely stop every week or so.

Its not that amazingly bad to lose television, but we're dependent on them for internet access too. I'd give up my cell phone before I'd give up my internet.

But, back to the point. This is the company that is planning on asking people to be dependent on them for all of their wired communication services (Internet, Television, and Telephone). The telephone if you think of it is the one service we depend on just to work. Period.

I hate to speculate about why we've had such spotty service, but if you ask me its because their servers (which do run the television services) are on Windows XP. A poor excuse for a critical task, such as running all your customer's services.

November 14, 2003

Frustrating Brad

Brad is nothing, if not frustrating at times.

We'ven't talked recently and I just sort of was done with him, assuming he was too busy to date really.

He just told me today that he's dating someone else that he dated before me.

I'm a little pissed, but at least he told me and was honest, if not a little late. My theory, he just didn't want to tell me because he knew it would hurt me. And you know, that is sweet, it really is.

November 19, 2003

Communal Mud

This eJournal entry feels important. No its not my one year anniversary of my first entry. I've actually started up an email list attached to my eJournal. I've even had a few takers! Wheee!!

Okay. Here are several things to get me started:

• I stayed late at work not on paid time, but we had a carry in dinner, and I wasn't scheduled as late as I usually am so I stayed later to eat and chat with those around at work.
• One of my kitties is sitting on my desk, leaning forward to cuddle every time my hand wanders near the trackball/him. (His brother on the other hand is out on a Safari outside probably hunting something, but I digress)
• I've been thinking quite a bit about Mian Carvin's fight concerning visitation rights for her child that she raised with her lesbian partner although she is not the biological mother.
• I've been remulling my criticisms of suburbia (1|2|3)
• I'm also considering the cluetrain manifesto and their thesis that markets are conversations
• I've been listening to Tick, Tick... Boom! (Amazon|iTMS) Jonathan Larson's hour musical about life after 30 in NYC and his experience in theatre
• Discussions that go on about Apple computers on lists and weblogs
• My recent and spontaneous desire to vacation/move to San Francisco

So now you have a glimpse of the muddy thoughts that I'm working through at the moment. These are all linked in an over stretched concept map to community and the desire for community and companionship.

I once had a teacher in high school ask me why my generation was so depressive and negative. I didn't quite have an answer for her then; I might have one now.

Our communities, our need for communities , and the ability to have conversations within those communities has been horribly overlooked. Over the past 100 years or so we've moved from a societal structure where you were only interdependent on the people within your local community to today where we've come to a point where our webs of interdependence are extremely wide. The actions of some electrical grid operators in Ohio blacked out NYC. Nineteen people can ground every airplane and wreck havoc throughout the country. But while we've become infra-structurally independent we've also replaced our communal activities with individual activities. We've replaced theatre and movies with television that we watch alone, and DVD's that get consumed individually. Our conversations about one local newspaper have been replaced by everyone consuming an increasingly large multitude of growing news sources, but having fewer and fewer people with whom to discuss topics. We've beaten community down so far that we now we need a website to build a book based community.

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Random Aside: I think this is one of the reasons why Howard Dean's campaign has caught so much momentum, he's focused on building community.

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I've gotten lost a little bit in my thoughts, I'm just attempting to weave too many threads together. Like a good procrastinating college student I started reading web pages. I came across the key paragraph on a rant on working for AOL:

AOL is about centralization and control of content. Everything that is good about the Internet, everything that differentiates it from television, is about empowerment of the individual.

In addition because the Internet individually empowers individuals it also empowers groups of individuals, but at a level where we're still individuals and not demographics.

The promise of the Internet is not that it brings us into the future, it empowers us to return to our tribal roots, organizing around common interests and beliefs, and helping each other.

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Additionally, the ever present chasm that must be navigated though is self empowerment of the individual at the expense of the community. I firmly believe we have to carefully balance our needs versus the needs of our community. There has been an unfortunate rise in people valuing their needs above all others, and as such as caused unfortunate social conditions such as divorce, poor child raising, and a decrease in meaningful civic activity.

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We are sinking, seeking community but we're often too self-centered to truly devote ourselves to community.

Green!

Maybe I'm preluding my next Halloween color. I was the blue for Halloween 2002, I was the color red for Halloween this year, so maybe I'll be green.

I got myself a pair of Celtic Green Chuck Taylor All Stars. Well actually mom "bought" them for me for my Birthday. She provided the money and i purchased.

I'm quite happy with them, they've got that dorky but slightly sophisticated geek look to them. Ehh more embracing my geekyness.

He thinks!

I'm shocked. I was listening to The World on WYSO today and I listened to Bush's speech from England. He actually sounded intelligent. This means one of

1. England makes people more intelligent
2. Bush's speech writers think Brits are more intelligent and write up to them. Ergo, they think Americans are dumb. (unfortunately probably true.)
3. A British speechwriter rewrote Bush's speech for the British audience

Whatever the reason, I'm for moving The White House to London.

November 20, 2003

Gay Marriage and World Peace

Its time for a simple title.

I'ven't gotten my news reading cycle yet. (I read news about once every three or four days, because I read such a large variety of sources it takes me 1-2 hours to get through it all usually.) But, I have caught wind of the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruling instructing the legislature to legalize gay marriage within 180 days. With clockwork precision both the Governor of Massachusetts and our illustrious President denounced the ruling, wow that was surprising. Bill O'Reilly of course took on the issue; he has some interesting things to say.

First, it is my understanding that the ruling at hand only affects governmental actions regarding marriage, it does not affect religious institutions directly in any way. As private entities they reserve the right to discriminate, as it should be. Unfortunately many people believe that we should force private institutions to be nondiscriminatory even when they are not accepting governmental money. The right of any group to choose who they associate with must be protected. I will be one of the first to support the right of groups to choose their association. (Well behind the religious righters who are already lining up to fight a nonexistent fight.) I support the Boy Scouts right to prevent gay people from being allowing gay scouts to serve in leadership positions. I don't like it, but I feel that is their lawful right. We live in a democracy with freedoms. (Just like the people of Iraq to paraphrase a recent line, just forget the US troops occupying and enforcing order.)

Next up, there is this little matter of "preserving the institution of marriage." I want to get married some day, I'm just working on finding the right man. I am disturbed though that by the time I'm ready it might not mean anything. I've written before on a personal case of marriage not being taken seriously. I personally know of a few cases where the divorces almost preceded the wedding. But unfortunately people do not put enough stock in marriage. I honestly believe we do need to educate about marriage, and bash into people's heads that they are entering into a commitment that supersedes their individuality. (For those of familiar with Star Trek: Deep Space Nine marriage is like a Trill who has chosen to be joined, its not a light decision and it cannot be reversed easily.)

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A quick note about divorce statistics. I have a not so sneaking suspicion that the figure's we've been seeing aren't lying but the liars have figured them to support their argument. I went looking and found that the government no longer collects detailed marriage and divorce information but I found reasonable set of statistics. At first glance its easy to assume that most marriages last about 7.2 years, but if you look farther you'll note the "Average length of first marriages which end in divorce" is 11 years. I surmise from this that while there are a good number of divorces, a significant amount of them are from shorter marriages. I've got a librarian out finding a frequency chart for length of marriages that end in divorce/death, she needed more time to find it. Addendum: While I was working on this my librarian came back with a few answers. While I've not fully combed through all of them there was one page with an interesting chart. Given that it is from a site named biblenews1.com I trust the statistics are not overly liberal. What shocked me at first was that the divorce and marriage rates have similar shaped lines. The important shift came during 1975 to 1980, where the divorce per marriage rate gained a higher ratio, but since then the percentage of people getting married has been reasonably matched with the percentage of people getting divorces. Wow, where is the crisis?

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Good now that nasty statistical matter is generally over. Marriage has grown to an unmanageable tarball. There are 1,000 rights and responsibilities at the federal level that come with marriage. This figure surprises me and I would expect it to surprise many married couples, who haven't looked into the issue. Quite simply this is like the cable or telephone company deciding that everyone must buy their top of the line over $100 package, instead of offering several choices that allows you to get the best fit. There are several broad categories of rights and benefits my (incomplete list) includes:

1. Parental rights (including foster care and adoption)
2. Fiscal rights (bank accounts, employer benefits, life insurance, social security, student loans, governmental loans)
3. Medical rights (you gain the ability to make decisions regarding your spouse if they are incapacitated, right to be at someone's bedside)
4. Judicial Protections (including right not to testify against spouse, immigration rights)
5. Religious rights/responsibilites (varies by religions)
6. Social recognition of peers

I've deliberately chosen different categories than the GAO. The first four categories are rights generally given by the government, the other two are non-governmental and as such I won't examine them.

I believe that instead of getting the "whole package" you should be able to pick which responsibilities and rights you want. Either of the first three could be entered into independently or jointly. Entering into the judicial protections should require you to have executed either the fiscal or parental rights clause. (To prevent people who are under criminal investigation and single from getting them as a legal shield.) Religious rights and responsibilities of course would be the responsibility of each religion to determine, and they could require entering into the other agreements. Social recognition is just something that will and has come about.

A word about parental rights, they should not be a given. The rights of the child should always come before that of the parents. I will defer to William Irvine's books, Doing Right by Children and The Politics of Parenting. They are both excellent and accessible philosophical works concerning the history and philosophical responsibilities of parenting.

Finally you could terminate any one of these agreements via legal proceedings, as you currently can do.

But why divide marriage up? I think the best reason is that it makes people aware of what they are getting, and in addition untangles and should clarify the issue, and could reduce divorces. You may love her and want to raise kids and have her make decisions for you, but you want nothing to do with her finances. You could just get medical privileges because your past child bearing age and your finances are set.

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Concerning the predictions that the world is going to depopulate because people have said that:

Marriage is not a lifestyle choice, but a "public commodity," critical for the survival of the human race, he said, adding that it deserves special supports and incentives.
"If there is no next generation, we are gone, we are dead," he said.

Honestly he doesn't understand that nature has made sex pleasurable, there will always be a next generation, regardless of the state of marriage.

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Okay to wrap up my wandering diatribe on marriage I would like to credit Google for being invaluable in finding information, David Lauri's blog which got me started, and the digraph "th" which occurs the most of any digraph in this entry. (See for yourself)

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But, I've neglected the two most important features of any marriage: love and commitment. Every marriage should have these, even if the government doesn't recognize them.

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I'm stopping here. I believe I've attempted to bite off more than I can chew, so next time I'm going to attack an easier subject like world peace. Or I could sum that up too, "All you need is love"

November 22, 2003

Communicative Stock Determinations

I'm starting a stock research effort right here, right now. Instead of dealing with pesky numbers, sales efforts, and business plans I'm going to foc