February 15, 2003
Shawn
Okay. I'm here, I'm queer, but all I can do is think about Shawn.
I was hoping that seeing him this weekend and just naturally being able to run into him would help. I have ran into him no less than three times. Well once was I saw him at a table he was working and I went upto him and made small talk. He seemed totally uninterested, not even willing to feign it.
Okay, so he's said he wants to be friends, when is that going to happen? I'm stuck here hurting and while I thought I'd patched it up pretty well, it just got ripped open seeing him here again. I've only chatted on IM with him in recent weeks, and that is a little more impersonal.
Perhaps it's as Moisés Kauffman said earlier today, that he thinks Fred Phelps is doing us, the gay community, a favor by bringing what lots of people cloak in euphemism and misdirection to the surface. Maybe this is bringing that I've not let go, and I've refused to let go to the surface. I so much would like to be out of this hell of limbo, but I seem stuck, unable to move forward with Shawn, unable to move back to just a spot where he is another person just in my past. He's stuck at the spot of unrequited love. Shit.
I've changed my mind, I would take the hypo-spray. I just want this to stop. I want to stop hurting, to stop caring about him, but it's just not a switch that I can turn on and off at will, wouldn't life be so easy if we could do that?
I dunno if you even read these things, since it doesn't look like a lot of people use them...
But I just had to toss in my two cents. If love were a switch to be turned on or off, it would be worthless. Love means so much to us because it is irrational. It makes us stop and take into account that logic is not the pinnacle of existence. Yeah, it hurts like hell at times, and sometimes you'd just like to curl up in bed with your head under a pillow screaming into the darkness with simple frustration and anguish. Yeah sometimes it can make us do things we know are foolish.
But maybe thats the point. We hurt, we bleed, we sometimes grow, and we exalt when that fluttering of the heart returns. Like all good posts, I shall end with a reference to a song...
"And I ask him if his life is ever lonely/
And if he ever feels despair/
And he says he's learned to love it/
Cause thats really all part of it/
And it helps him feel the good times when they're there"
You'll be all right. Just give it time.