March 13, 2003
Risk, its not just a board game
How do you know what love is?
I had someone break up with me after three weeks of dating because I used the word "love" in reference to him.
I'd been backdooring the "l" word in by using it to describe specific qualities that he had.
So I used the "l" word and three days later we were "Just Friends." How can someone decide something like that that fast? I just don't really know.
God this still hurts on a much lower level like hell.
So now I'm at a point that I don't want to date because I don't want to invest my energy in closeted ohio guy just to get hurt.
Fuck it just boils down to that I want Shawn I want him to reconsider to try again.
Hell I'd give my left nut for a second chance (and my left nut is the one I value more!)
I have been searching to figure out why I feel a need to find some good man and settle down and start a family. I've not been able to figure out why this exists within me as far as I can tell its a priori - it is in and of itself. Evolutionary psychology doesn't help in explaining it. It just is.
Its great how things are set for me to just hurt myself. I know this will take an adjustment on my part.
Of Course I've previously said what makes it worth it is the risk.
I don't want to risk this again.