April 18, 2003
Since 1986
17 years. I just heard that this guy has been in love and single for 17 years. I know I'm being hard on myself expecting to get over S in two and a half months, but thats only on a one month long relationship.
I wonder if I tried to kill myself because of S.. It defiantly was a dream that I had that wasn't fulfilled, but its not exclusive to S, he just happened to fit, and fit well.
I just don't want to be alone right now and not in that obvious sense. I don't want to be lacking an intimate relationship.
My most intimate relationship with Jenni feels less intimate all the time. She's a good friend and always will be. She or I or both of us have just grown out of that spot we once held for each other. I don't fault her or me, it just happened. she is the only person that I know of right now that I'd pre-meditatively kill someone else to protect her. Sure, there's lots of people who I'd jump in front of a bus to push out of the way or shoot a man pointing a gun at them, but I would kill to protect her even given lots of time to think about it and knowledge that I'd end up in jail afterwards.
I expect so much of myself. I cannot let myself off the hook in so many ways.
I'm drained of words plus I've got to eat. There is more to say on this though.