May 08, 2003
love:lonelynesss::life:death
What happened with me and Shawn?
I've spent the last four months pondering what went wrong, how we didn't fit, if I scared him with the "L" word, or was he honest with what he told me?
I'm not quite sure that I'm hurting. No, I'm not hurting like I used to, I'm more just confused. I don't want to fuck up again. I don't want to put myself through this multiple times.
Maybe, the reason this whole thing is worth it is because it will at some point end.
So then is it right to attempt to limit your pain? If its only worth it if you are true and open to being hurt then if by limiting your hurt are you being less honest with the guy you're dating?
I know I'm alive. The pain I feel in relation to Shawn reminds me of that. I am hurt period. It will be something that will follow me for a long while. But, I also know I deserved him, someone of his caliber, his honesty, hist intelligence.
I know because I'm still hurt I'm still alive and I was live when I was with him.
I refuse to be dead inside.