October 21, 2003
No humor
In the spirt of Ted L. Nancy's Letters from a Nut, I sent off an email to M&M/Mars about Skittles.
They didn't get it.
See for yourself.
To: askskittles@mmmars.com
From: Nicholas Barnard
Subject: Product Defect
To Whom it May Concern:
I recently purchased a package of Skittles with the factory code 331BY3 from the vending machine at work. I was disappointed when I tossed them in the air they did not explode into fireworks as shown in a recent television commercial. Are these Skittles defective? Or do I need to be in an outdoor area to get the fireworks effect? I would appreciate any and all suggestions in how to get my Skittles to function properly.
Thank You,
Nicholas Barnard
From: mm_mars@mmmars.com
To: Nicholas Barnard
Subject: Re: 5202061A
In response to your email regarding SKITTLES BITE SIZE CANDIES "FIREWORKS"
Thank you for your email expressing your concerns.
We respect our consumer's views and will pass your comments on
to our Marketing associates.We thank you for your loyalty to our products.
Sincerely,
Consumer Affairs
Masterfoods USA
A Division of Mars, Incorporated
This is some truly delicious correspondence. They value their customers' views so highly, they obviously don't even bother to read them before "passing them on" to the circular file labelled "Marketing Associates."
I once wrote a letter to a local NPR affiliate radio station, offering to give them the originals of some recordings I owned of several rarely performed chamber works by an 18th-century master. They also really appreciated and valued my message very highly and passed it on to their "Program Director," who of course never responded.
Anyone who has ever regularly written letters to elected officials - particularly federal level ones - will also have numerous examples of beautiful long sincere multi-page replies received that never once even so much as acknowledge any of the specific points detailed in the original correspondence, though the general subject will always be vaguely appropriate to the matter at hand. Admittedly, this is vastly superior to receiving a simple acknowledgment like: "We in the US Congress highly value your opinions and have passed them on to the FBI for further intensive scrutiny." Come to think of it, your plainly stated desire to obtain explosive candy ought to be of intense interest to the minions at the Department of Homeland Security. Hmm.