July 22, 2006
Now is as good a time as any
I'm in Wyoming right now.
On Monday, I didn't plan on being in Wyoming or anywhere near it.
I just watched a beautiful sunset over the mountains, and watched my boys enjoy themselves wandering around the foliage.
Four days ago I made what many people would call an irrational decision. I was at starbucks in downtown Cincinnati, essentially playing hooky from work. (Okay, I don't quite view it that way most of the time. I get what I need to get done at work.)
But to the point. I was sitting there, coming to the realization that I was miserable in so many aspects of my life. Fundamentally I kept repeating to myself that "I can't do this anymore." Realistically, when someone is at this juncture there are two options: 1. Suicide. 2. Drastic change. So I made the decision then and there to move to Seattle, and I went about carrying out that objective immediately.
And I mean immediately. I went picked up a prescription, went back to work, cleaned out my desk of some important things, wrote an email that would only be delivered in 30 minutes, to my supervisors and coworkers that I was leaving, and I left. I went to AAA requested a Triptik, then went to Kroger and bought some necessary items, went home and packed some necessary items, loaded the cats in the car, dropped off my DSL modem, picked up my Triptik and left. From decision, to leaving: 5.5 hours.
Many people are surprised at what they see as an irrational decision. They're right. It was an irrational decision. But there is the falsehood that people somehow expect others to be rational especially with the big decisions in one's life.
People aren't rational. If you go back and read the beginning of my blog, you'll see me struggling with trying to rationalize love and loss of love. I've come to the conclusion that love isn't rational. You can't and shouldn't attempt to rationalize it.
In the same way happiness is irrational. You can back rationalize it, but ultimately happiness is a mysterious concept that isn't rational and cannot be rationalized.
So, I'm taking a leap, a leap of faith. I'm scared shitless. There is so much risk that I just assumed, but I have faith that I'm making the right decision, I have faith that things will find their way towards what they're supposed to be, I have faith in my ability to understand and surmount the challenges that I've brought upon myself.
So, I'm checking my Ann Taylor credit card to see what I've brought the balance down to, and I scan through my e-mails. Thought this was another junk mailer, and almost deleted it. It sounded vaguely familiar, however, and in the back of my mind I was thinking "Nick, maybe, but probably not". And lo and behold, the e-mail I was hoping you'd get to. To try as best as you could to explain.
I don't agree that happiness is irrational. How would you describe happiness? I describe it simply as getting your needs met. In order to do that, you must know yourself. In order to do that, you have to have introspection. In order for that, you have to love yourself enough to want to make the time for introspection. All of these steps are rational. To try to be happy, Nick, is in no way irrational. However, to try to reconcile what you know was an irrational act (leaving abuptly with 15 minutes of planning) with a perfectly rational concept (happiness) can't, at least in my mind, be done.
But, there it is. It's not my mind, it's yours. Would I have done it that way? No. But I'm not you. You've done it. Stop worrying about if it was rational or irrational or whatever other word you want to apply to it. Who cares if someone thinks your're totally out of your mind? It's over. Moving out west is what you've wanted to do, you've talked about it for a long time - and you did it. Sometimes, doing something so non-sensical and abrupt is the only way it's gonna happen. You're after something and this was apparently the only way for you to do it, so that you can find that which you are looking for. You may not have done it otherwise. Maybe it was supposed to be this way.
For what it's worth, I think it takes a hell of a lot of guts to do something so terrifingly risky. I'm just sorry that you pitched two years of your life away - two years that, with some honing, could have led anywhere you would have wanted it to go. Not all of us are so lucky.
I'm gonna miss you. Your sense of humor. Your "fringe". Your conversation. I hope you can make it back this way soon, for whatever reason. In the meantime, I'll keep in touch, if you will. And I hope you find whatever it is your looking for. I'm sad that you couldn't find it here.
Please be careful. And keep the boys safe.
C
Hi Nick
How are you?? Not to sound motherly but do you have enough money and food??
I was reading your last post and also reading Cindys comments and I wanted to add my 2 cents. (For what its worth.) I think you must have been suffering more than I ever imagined in order for you to do this.. I told you before that when I got married we always talked about going to Utah. But we never did.
Now you have taken this big leap.. I think you will find a lot of scary things and a lot of people will not understand.. You may also find this is what you need in your life.. God knows the Cincinnati area is not the most progressive area. Seattle is a lot more liberal. I think that will make you feel more welcome.. It is going to take time to find your niche and I fear you will still have some lonely times ahead of you. But what an adventure.
I only wish you would have given your 2 week notice . It would be that much easier for you to find employment.. But whats done is done.. I wish you well and I hope you drop me a line from time to time.. I will miss you
Bobbi