March 02, 2003
I've won!
No, not the lottery, but its almost as good.
What have I won?
The battle of the laundry. Yes indeedy, while there are still a few dirty stragglers holding out hope in my hamper all of my clothing is clean. I think this is about the only time I've ever had this happen.
I've learned a few things though:- I own way too much underwear (they're the gay man's equivalent to women's shoes, what can I say? I need variety!)
- I also have way too many socks. (I went on a buying spree after being forced to wear the same pair for about two weeks.)
- While I've won one war, I'm now fighting the battle of storage, where the hell do I put all this? (sigh, you see war never is a good thing.)
Okay just a fun little jaunt into my psychotic world!
Broke
I'm broke. Broker than I've been in quite a while. The extent of my fiscal liquidity is the change that is upstairs in my change tray. Pathetic? yes I know.
So in the spirt of my underpaid collegeness, I'm accepting donations. Please only donate if you enjoy reading this, if its meaningless or just annoying, don't feel a need to. While donating doesn't get you any special services (except maybe a surprise on your credit card statement!) it does make me a bit happier and gives you the satisfaction of helping out a future leader.
So how can you do this you ask? I accept donations one of two ways:- Via PayPal - they're snazzy, will accept your Visa, Mastercard, Discover, American Express, or even debit your bank account! Plus they're easy to use!
- Via Amazon.com, you can get me something off my Wish List or a Gift Certificate.
If your wanting to donate via another method, drop me a message and I'll get right back to you.
March 04, 2003
The Meaning of Life
What is the meaning of Life? Of course many people fail to realize this is a trick question. Its not something that someone else can answer. There are as many answers to the question as there have been people. (Therefore there are several billion different answers)
The real question to answer is what is the meaning of my life?
I honestly don't know. This is the question I've been pining at for quite a while in different ways.
I know I want an answer, concrete and unequivocal. That is my logical plodding side at work, always trying to come to an answer that is concrete and meaningful.
Of course this is as productive as attempting to find the right pair of glasses by walking up to people and trying their glasses on. You might get the right prescription but by that time your eyes will be so tired and worn out that they won't matter.
Okay lets back up a step. Why does there have to be meaning to my life? Why can't I just be one of the mindless automatons wandering through this world, a working stiff? Instead I'm stuck with the curse/gift of being a philosopher.
Why is it that we "find meaning" in our lives? Isn't it possible to create meaning? I dunno.
I know Charlie Kauffman, William Irvine, and Susan Orlean would argue that meaning is finding something to do and doing it passionately.
I'm reminded of the scene from Adaptation Susan Orlean and the gardner create a dial tone together over the telephone each by humming the 1/2 of the bitonal sound. Strangely enough this is one of the most powerful scenes in the movie. Two people in such inexplicable simple means, but intertwined and at that time inseparable.
Is it a pathetic denial of my potential to say that finding someone to be the other half of my dial tone is the meaning I seek in my life?
In some ways I feel like Heidi from The Heidi Chronicles constantly and consistently asserting "I believe everyone has the right to fulfill their potential." as an empty and hollow refrain. In the end to constantly search for meaning through degrees, the woman's movement, and whatnot only to find it in adopting a child. Hmm food for thought.
Why the hell am I programmed to want and desire one person or one cause to be devoted to?
So I'm stuck with a paradox. I'm set up with a set of urges that in the end hurt myself emotionally.
While I've said in the past its the risk that makes it worth it, I'm not so sure. I wanna say no reward is worth this risk. I'd rather habitually play the lottery, it is less stressful with more predictable losses.
Love seems to be the only thing where you can lose more than you put in. I'm not sure I want to make the investment again.
Spat On
I just sent the following email to Lambda Union's advisors and executive board:
To whom it may concern:
This email is to inform you of my revocation of any and all assistance that I had been providing to Sean Sandefer, Lambda Union's Webmaster, in learning the ropes of and maintaining Lambda's website.
It is unfortunate that I must do this, because I had quite enjoyed assisting Sean in properly learning the ropes of the website. I am doing this in response to the removal of the link to my personal web page from the nicholasbarnard.html file. This link was properly flagged with the university disclaimer.
As the current executive board has seen fit to completely expunge any conflicting views, I must stop providing any support to Lambda Union, even the limited support I was providing Sean. This is especially disheartening given that the organization saw fit last year to award me with Plaque signifying my commitment to Lambda Union's Mission.
In the best of all theatrical traditions I wish Lambda Union the best of luck.
In regret that I ever cared,
Nicholas Barnard
Well, thats it. Lambda Union has done the last thing I think they can do to piss me off.
Damnit, I want to be associated with them, but well there is nothing like just getting kicked even when you've gotten out of the way.
Sigh. well nothing like caring and getting hurt for it, I've gotten pretty good at it.
March 05, 2003
Keep Moving
If you asked me ten minutes ago where I was going in life I would've said nowhere or maybe I would've said circles.
But, I just read my journal from my New England Immersion. While I wouldn't say I'm a totally different person I am no longer the confined 17 year old boy that I was.
I was so closeted back then at least two journal entries dealt with being gay. I had forgotten that I cam out Junior year.. I usually say senior year was when I came out. That is when I came out to my parents, but I was partially out at school junior year. To this day I'm amazed that it didn't spread like wildfire across campus.
The thing that is most amazing to me is that I am amazed at how scared I was to be myself, to be out and be open. While in all actuality I don't proclaim to the world all my interests (thats what the PeJournal is for) But to those close to me and who I know won't use it against me I will tell about anything. I'm much more open than I used to be.
I also got that picture of a teenager desperate for connections to people. That Still really hasn't changed, except I would say I'm looking for meaningful connections.
In looking at my journal I would say that it was a seminal time for me in my life.. I see there the decisions and observations that I made that shape the man I am today.
I need to know that I am moving forward, even when it doesn't appear to be so; I am moving forward.
Blog vs. eJournal
When I first set this eJournal up I had a small argument with Shawn as to what to name this. I insisted on calling it an eJournal and he insisted on calling it a blog.
This blog concept interested me a bunch so like any good college student I went to the library to find stuff to read. I came up with We've got blog a collection of articles and blog entries published on the net concerning blogging...
This is an eJournal - and not a blog - I'm definitive about that now. One of the recurring themes in the book is that links are the driving force of blogs (hence why its derived from the older geek speak web log. i.e. the log of where I've been on the web.) My eJournal, while containing links is not driven by them. My comments are not subservient to the link, the links are subservient to my comments. Therein defines the difference between weblogs and eJournals - whether the links or the comments are subservient. If the comments are subservient to the links its a weblog, if the links are subservient to the comments its an eJournal.
March 06, 2003
Zoning Considerations
I've been pulling my stakes up, yanking myself away from lots of things. This is the first time that I can think of that I was so deeply involved in something or so many things and I voluntarily started pulling up stakes. Usually I want to keep my stakes in the ground my contacts intact for as long as possible. But in this situation I've been packing - pulling up as many stakes as possible. I am now divorced from WSU the institution, I've separated from PFlag Dayton (Despite the fact that I'ven't told them) and I've pitched Lambda out of my life, and I've even stopped seeing my counselor.
I've burnt out from my life lots of things that were zapping my energy. I've done this after realizing the situation I was in wasn't working for me, and I've embarked upon a path of self exploration and self discovery. I've decided to dye my hair blue, revitalize my web presence and focus on me.
But I know that I don't have the ability to remove myself from people all together. an interesting Quote from A Simpler Way: "When we link up into others, we open ourselves to yet another paradox ... while surrendering some of our freedom, we open ourselves to even more creative forms of expression. This state of being has been described as communion ... the means of who we are changes through our communion with [others]. We are identifiable as our selves. [sic] But we have discovered new meaning and different contributions, and we are no longer the same."
The question is: is this - or was the person I was who I wanted to be? I would have to say no. I'm someone while I'll thrive for excellence I will not go too far above and beyond what is expected of me unless there is a clear incentive to; just doing the work excellently is not enough in and of itself.
I guess herein is one of my problems - I live for others not for myself, well not true but when functioning in the world I go for meeting expectations not exceeding them, unless I get something for it.
But back to the point. I don't like the person I've become at WSU - sliding in trying to get enough to get by but not trying for excellence.
If you look at life as creating a building I'm knocking down the old one and placing in the foundation for the new one. I'm hoping this time I can get a skyscraper, or at least a nice sized office building instead of the grocery store/shopping mall that I've had.
March 08, 2003
The Shawn Standard
Over the past few days I've decided that I'm going to remain single (barring any really cute, intelligent, romantic guy falling in my lap.) for a while... probably till I leave Ohio.
I'm still amazed how hung up I am on him. I was talking talking to Tommy on my lunch break. He's on his way to meet his ex for the weekend either to fuck or get back together (one of the two -- he's not sure.) but he kept going on and on about how he was so happy. the funny thing was the more and more he talked the more and more depressed I became. I guess I'm experiencing disschadenfreude: displeasure derived from other's pleasure.
But back to the issue at hand. Taking off from dating and remaining single.
My reasons for this are what I've come to call "The Shawn Standard" for lack of a better name. But some history is in order.
My first real sexual attractions were over the net -- no not chatting that wasn't on the net proper yet. [IRC yes, but I didn't use it - 3/10] The thingy about porn is its the top 0.5% of guys - both in looks and positions and it doesn't tell very much about emotional states and the people -- you just get an image to objectify.
So naive me when I first started dating I was wanting my porn ideal. I'd for some reason assumed that we'd be able to build a meaningful relationship.
Well then I started dating and from about the first date on my standards have been on a general downward trend with the exception of the last year where the guys I was dating were just mediocre and all decided not to date me. I was more than happy to stay with any of them and date some more, but in hindsight I was making do, settling for someone because he was better that no one.
And then came Shawn.
I spent a long time while I was dating Shawn saying that I didn't deserve him, and the people around me fed into my delusion by saying that "its always that way with the one." And me deluded by hormones and lots of emotions believed that. Not only was Shawn someone he was someone who was more than just filling the void of "no one."
So here is "The Shawn Standard". The person I'm going to date is going to be as right for me and as Intelligent, kind, cute, caring, funny, dorky, and intellectually curious as Shawn. As self-centered and well narcissistic as that may sound I deserve someone with those qualities. If I accept someone of who isn't "the one" then I'm doing myself a disservice and honestly I'm doing the other person a disservice by lying to them and distracting them from their search.
So thats where I've got "The Shawn Standard"
P.S. Follow Marshall's and Dorian's advice -- especially number eight -- Don't turn every date into a "Will this be the one assessment."
Well All I know is i've got a lot to learn about dating.
March 11, 2003
What keeps us apart?
What is it that divides us from each other?
While we all have different backgrounds and different stories we all have the ability to connect to one and other. We all have struggles, good days, bad days, childhood struggles and things that we'd like to change about ourselves and others.
This all comes from our history which shapes who we are today by the by the experiences we have had both directly by remind then using as a guide and indirectly via experience.
I had a conversation with a sixty some year old African American woman who I work with. We're friendly but don't talk much because of the nature of the job. But today we sat in the break room together and chatted.
We had genuine laughs and connected as people.
I then started thinking what keeps us apart? In actuality nothing. I could throw out a bunch of bullshit answers and then explain why they're false but I'll spare you the philosophical exercise.
Then the question is if there is nothing dividing us what is there dividing me and a terrorist/guerrilla/freedom fighter? Well language and location separate us but those can be overcome by modern technology.
What separates us are artificial divides placed by people for some reason usually for the advantage of a military or leaders.
The basic steps are simple: divide and dehumanize; a more insidious version of divide and conquer because while your enemy with divide and conquer is still someone you in theory can know, in divide and dehumanize by definition the enemy cannot be known because they are not human and not on "our" level.
Look around its used a lot on Soviets during the Cold War, Germans during WWII, homo-attracted and bi-attracted people for a long time, terrorists, drug dealers during the "war" on drugs, African Americans pre-civil war/pre-civil rights/pre 3/11/03. (oops, did I just imply that we're pushed not to see African Americans as human?)
So whats the way to get out of this? Make people human by talking with them one on one or in groups.
While best left to individual connections there are a few notable structured programs such as Dayton Dialogue on Race Relations and Hello Peace | Hello Salaam | Hello Shalom that come to mind.
So to answer Rodney King's famous line "can't we all just get along?"
Yes. If we talk.
March 13, 2003
Risk, its not just a board game
How do you know what love is?
I had someone break up with me after three weeks of dating because I used the word "love" in reference to him.
I'd been backdooring the "l" word in by using it to describe specific qualities that he had.
So I used the "l" word and three days later we were "Just Friends." How can someone decide something like that that fast? I just don't really know.
God this still hurts on a much lower level like hell.
So now I'm at a point that I don't want to date because I don't want to invest my energy in closeted ohio guy just to get hurt.
Fuck it just boils down to that I want Shawn I want him to reconsider to try again.
Hell I'd give my left nut for a second chance (and my left nut is the one I value more!)
I have been searching to figure out why I feel a need to find some good man and settle down and start a family. I've not been able to figure out why this exists within me as far as I can tell its a priori - it is in and of itself. Evolutionary psychology doesn't help in explaining it. It just is.
Its great how things are set for me to just hurt myself. I know this will take an adjustment on my part.
Of Course I've previously said what makes it worth it is the risk.
I don't want to risk this again.
March 16, 2003
Agnostic Faith
I just finished Contact This is one book that I can say is a good as the movie and vice versa. Not to belittle either one; they're both excellent for their medium and year created.
The question Carl Sagan wants us to consider is "What is faith?" And how does it apply to scientific/philosophical thought?
In some ways faith is like stoicism applied to the future. Wherein that what needs to happen will happen. I don't think that means pre-determinism thought. Everything is not predetermined, but in the end things will turn out for the best, even if things don't go the way I want.
I guess you could say that I have faith that the future will turn out for the best. Well I'd have to say for my personal life at least, and well even past that. I'm convinced whatever the asshole in chief does can be undone or corrected in 10-20 years time.
Okay so there it is if faith is the only component required of religion then I have it. Whoo! Hoo!
But I'm still an agnostic.
March 17, 2003
Convictions (and Roommate NEEDED)
My life has been fine if not a bit mundane. But I'm enjoying the lack of drama and commotion. So there's nothing new and interesting really. So we'll promptly proceed to political drivel after these messages.
Roommate for an apartment in Fairborn Ohio. Flat rate $400 per month inclusive of everything except telephone service. For more information contact nickb@pobox.com
I was a sideline observe on an argument between two coworkers at work today over Iraq and terrorism and that whole rigamarole.
I of course am still anti-war, nothing new there.
What Amazed me was the conviction of both people arguing. They were both sure that they were right; that their position was true. Logically of course it is impossible for two opposing positions to be true.
Okay while I honestly I'm overstating their faith in their positions, but they both were quite sure they were correct.
I never am honestly sure I'm right or what I've determined is the truth. Sometimes, well a lot of the times I see this as a flaw, a weakness. But honestly, its a strength, a lack of dogmatism (i.e. no position is held strongly enough that I cannot give it up.)
I think this is the major flaw I see with Bush. He is a man of conviction, there is no doubt in his mind that he is right. This is not just my opinion but one that I borrowed from a respected philosophy professor of mine who is a Bush supporter.
The question is should a man who had been opposed by his peers consistently be allowed to wield one of the most powerful militaries on the planet? (no)
Usually peer pressure is thought of as negative. But it it isn't. There is positive AND negative peer pressure.
Okay but should we trust a man who cannot think he could be wrong?
Honestly someone who is so convicted in a company would be fired. If you had a harebrained idea unsupported by all your peers, your vice presidents, etc who thought it wouldn't work. He'd be thrown out by the Board of Directors or shareholders. Unfortunately in this case he's scared all of us or at least enough of us into not speaking our minds so we've already left America. So I doubt its worth defending this America, perhaps there is another one that we can create and once again be free. But I doubt it will happen with Bush in office.
March 18, 2003
Sailing
I've gotten really good at moving on.
I had my last appointment with my counselor yesterday. Its not the last because we're done, but its the last because I'm leaving WSU and she's a student counselor; the center she works at is only for students. I'm not a student anymore so I can't see her anymore.
Usually this isn't a problem for me, leaving a counselor isn't something to fret about. I've left so many, some because I was moving and some because I'd reached a point where they weren't necessary by mutual agreement.
But a funny thing happened on the way to wherever the hell I'm going. (The forum is over rated.) Jo and I crossed that line from just counselor and client to somewhere between just a counselor and a full fledge friend. This is not to diminish the spot she has moved into, its just special and unique.
I dunno... I made a point when leaving while walking down that hall together to get a bit in front of her and not look back. I'd already said goodbye and I didn't wanna look back.
When I left the only home I knew, Binghamton, NY, when I was 12 for Dayton, Ohio. I wanted to go back and I did.
While physically I went back to Binghamton, I never have actually bone back in the interpersonal sense. The people I used to hang out with have changed, I've changed, and things are just different. Whatever you want to go back to you can't; its ethereal, its gone. So I've got one way to go: forward. Thats it. there are no redos in life, as much as we would like there to be.
Today I talked with Jo about where I'm going the path I'm going on. Well I'm scared shitless that I'll end up nowhere, not in school, single, lonely and without purpose or direction. But Jo extended my nautical metaphor.
I've pulled up my anchors in the harbor of Dayton, Ohio, and while I've not left the storm barrier I'm wandering out to the open ocean to find another harbor, hopefully one in a Cuba, perhaps writer's paradise.
Between here and there I'm expecting a few storms, lots of nice beautiful days, but above all it should be an interesting time. And hey, I might even get a TAN!
March 19, 2003
Inside out? or Outside In?
Am I an American?
By every common definition of the word, yes I am. I was born here, have never taken residence outside the US, and only spent maybe a total of two weeks outside the country.
But in some ways I've never felt a sense of belonging to an "American" ideal. Don't get me wrong, I vote, I participate in political discussions, my credit card bills conform that I have mastered American consumerism and borrowing habits, and I enjoy a good old fireworks show like anyone else.
But I still in someways feel like an outsider. It might be that I'm an outsidere to Ohio, and given this as my primary frame of reference during the past eleven years and four months or so. So it may just be that I'm an outsider to Ohio, but until I live all over the place, I don't think I can know. So I'll just assume that I feel like an outsider to all America and not just Ohio.
Of course, I might feel like an outsider because I'm gay, but I also feel like an outsider in the "gay community."
But to the point that got me started on this. I'm reading Why do People Hate America? The statement that "[America] is a nation that has developed a tradition of being oblivious to self-reflection."
So if being an American is being unable or unwilling to engage in self-reflection then I am not an American.
But then the question if by that definition I'm not an American, what am I?
I'm not sure.
Of course a better question is why do I feel a need to identify with a country? I feel much more comfortable and appropriate identifying myself as a citizen of planet Earth than any nation state. (Not that I wholly believe or disbelieve in aliens.) I believe that way is less divisive, and more productive.
There is precedent for the transition from nation-state citizenship to world citizenship. At one time people made the transition from being a North Carolinian to becoming an American. Europeans perhaps are undergoing a similar transition from being Frenchmen, German Citizens, or British Subjects to being known as a Citizen of the European Union.
You see the political problems of this is that if we're world citizens its much harder to find ways and grounds on which to divide us. (not that this will totally stop divisiveness.)
I guess the unfortunate thing is there are no legal protections as a "world citizen" thus I'm stuck being an inside outsider.
"I Love You"
I've got a strange job. On a daily basis "I'm" yelled at, sworn at, given credit card numbers and told "I love you" several times a day. Well not me really, I'm a Communications Assistant, I relay calls for deaf and hard of hearing people, but it does of course go through my hands and my ears.
There is this one couple and the guy is the voice user. He says "I love you" with so much care and sincerity. Even though I wish he was really saying it to me, it feels good to hear it.
I wish more people said "I love you" to me. I want to see that in others so I should do it more myself.
Hmm The Beatles should have written "All you need is I Love You"
March 21, 2003
Musings about governments, the net, and rigidity
One of the major things the Internet taught us is that if you put a lot of smart people together and give them access to as much information as possible, really cool and amazing things happen.
Look at all the open source stuff out there, lots of it started with one or just a few people who knew each other then moved online and then made everything open and available to everyone. Its given us some of the most robust and reliable software.
Its also a good way to organize governments, if you think about it long ago it was the only way people got together and got things organized. Early Athenian government everyone had access to a similar level of information.
While at the moment I don't think we have the most stingiest government with information they are nowhere near the most liberal.
Open information fosters innovation including "negative" innovation. Whatever your opinion on 9-11 is you've gotta admit it was damn innovative. Why build a bomb when they're already in the air and just need to be steered? This information mind you isn't new, the Japanese used it during WWII.
So what if terrorists are using sixty some year old techniques? The government sees the road to safety is planning as much as possible and seeking to prevent negative innovation.
But "Rigidly certain organizations die early. They collapse from the weight of the structures they've erected to hold themselves up." (p. 86 A Simpler Way)
So overly rigid countries die. Yes, look at The Roman Empire, The USSR, The Ottoman Empire. So why hasn't the US collapsed under all these structures? I would say a lot of it has to do with technology, but thats just a guess.
So what about the fact that rigid leaders and organizations are clearly moving in one direction?
One last quote:Rigid identities give rise to rigid organizations. Initial clarity about direction becomes hard certainty about everything. such organizations feel unapproachable. They know the way the world works ... They stand in their certainties, suppressing disturbances, shooting messengers." (p. 86 A Simpler Way)
So eventually everything might collapse but then it is also possible that we might get a transformation, or a really good government out of a collapse.
March 23, 2003
Manifesto of Frivolity
We live our lives with far too much seriousness. We've been taught by either the protestant worth ethic or capitalism to take almost everything with seriousness. I personally remembering spending lots of time planning vacations to ensure the maximum amount of fun and relaxation, and while they resulted in lots of personal growth and meditative times they were some of the most exhausting weeks I've ever had. In addition, who can't remember at least one family vacation in which your mom or dad turned into the field trip teacher nazi from hell?
We need to live our lives with less sense of everything being deathly serious, and enjoy and look for the frivolous things in life. Why is too much trouble to act a little crazy while cooking or doing your laundry? Or singing strange songs to yourself about cleaning? or even, philosophic-ruler forbid while at work!
We spend so much being serious that stress is literally making us sick. The Holistic Online reports that the "American Medical Association stated that stress was the cause of 80 to 85 percent of all human illness and disease or at the very least had a detrimental effect on our health." If stress is making us sick why don't we do something about the stress? I don't know.
Children know intuitively how to deal with the stresses in their lives. They play, they laugh, and nothing is serious. If an adult is being silly or frivolous someone will invariably interrupt their fun by stating "why don't you just grow up?" Why must being serious being a synonymous part of growing up? Aren't we allowed to still be frivolous and still grow up?
Many would argue that an adult is someone who has grown beyond frivolity and is now serious, and while I will not deny that growing up us making being serious a greater part of your life, we have a tendency to over do it, being always serious, all the time. Why not say if a child is serious 30 percent of the time and frivolous 70 percent of the time why as an adult should we be serious 95 percent of the time and frivolous only 5 percent of the time? Why not follow our children's advice a little and be serious only 70 percent of the time and frivolous 30 percent of the time? Or even why not a 50/50 split?
Employers have acknowledged some of this by giving employees more flexibility in their schedules and tools like paid time off, but even in this your expected to be taking your paid time off for a serious purpose like an illness, dental appointment, or taking care of your sick children. Why can't you just take time off because you feel like it?
Companies also know that frivolity can create great ideas. Innovative corporate cultures have relaxed atmospheres where people have fun together. Take a look at Google as an example. When people are relaxed they're more productive. Smart companies know this, and create relaxing atmospheres, and they get results.
Life is to short to live seriously, so have fun, look for the frivolous and let yourself off the hook.
Things I've Learned
I've had a pretty lazy day so far today, but I've learned a couple of things.
- Building a Soda Bottle Bioreactor is a much easier task that the instructions make it out to be.
- Vegetables left in a plastic bag in your kitchen cease to have any recognizable form after about four or five weeks.
- Mold comes in several different colors.
- Even evil men like Saddam Hussein are still human and have feelings.
- People who want to go to war don't give up.
- America has had a track record of being pussyfooted with war's recently, not finishing them to the end.
- Stupid people can be elected to very high ranking positions (okay, i didn't learn this today)
- Don't rely on friends who have admitted history of procrastination to save you from your own procrastination, this is like asking an alcoholic to get another alcoholic to stop drinking.
- Living alone had its advantages. (namely at the moment writing an eJournal entry half naked in the living room.
- Having a roommate probably has advantages as well, and its always great to help out a friend.
- Never doubt the ability of someone between the age of 16 and 25 to consume mass amounts of time sleeping.
- Computers never do what you ask them to do the first time, even if they are UNIX based.
- Putting things in the past symbolically is an interesting way of dealing with it.
- Lists are a poor man's way to deal with things.
March 24, 2003
Wind Needed!
Sometimes you make decisions that for short periods you regret making, but you know are for the best.
I've decided not to date. I made this decision about the same time I wrote The Shawn Standard, but its taking a lot of mental strength and techniques to keep this up.
There are a few guys at work who I'm deathly in lust of, two of them are in relationships and the other two are (maybe?) straight.
I've never really realized how much looking and obsessing over guys I do until I've attempted to identify and attempt to reduce the number of times I am looking at a guy severely or lusting. The best technique I've used is a Buddhist method about thinking about disgusting parts of their bodies to dislodge the pleasurable thought. It works generally except the lust pops back in, so I'm playing yo-yo with peggish thoughts. (Its derived from a metaphor; when repairing a rotten peg in a peg construction house you push another peg into it, so the building doesn't collapse. Thus, the thoughts are pegs, and my brain the house.)
Of course now I am hoping that that guy just falls into my lap without effort on my part, but I'm not holding my breath.
Of course what I've done is replace one obsession namely lusting after physical guys, to lusting after mythical guys.
So now I'm stuck looking at every little possibility, although not as strongly. Okay so its strange always wishing that the next guy is dating material. At the moment I've developed a light crush on the guy on the phone right now.... So who's next?
Now I've got the question of how far to suppress these desires.
You know its ironic. One of the things that I've spent a great deal of time developing is my homoattracted side, figuring out what it means to be gay and what social rules of the gay world are, etc, etc.
What a strange paradox, but honestly I feel good about telling part of myself to take a back seat, because I've got many other sides that should show through.
Can anyone blow up a wind to blow these lust clouds away?
March 26, 2003
Shitting is not an Olympic Sport
The body is an amazingly finicky machine. its amazing with all the quarks it has that we're able to get through a day without having some major malfunction that puts us out of commission.
I was competing in the College Marathon then sleeping on Saturday. I went to bed at the perfectly normal (for third shift) time of noon and woke up at 3 AM sunday morning. (Missed all the partying! Damn!)
Finding nothing better to do I moseyed over to my desk and got on the Internet. this woke up not only my eyes, hands, and brain, but also my often neglected but oh so important (and often extremely pleasurable) colon. so I told the friend I was chatting with that I would be back in a bit, and made the journey to the sacred porcelain throne.
At first I graced the throne with my presence, but none of my pork remnant would allow themselves to be divested from my organ village.
During the past fifteen hours the first two pigs gave up their search for straw and sticks as they could find none in either the large or small Norad Ink Testing Centers. (You know the place where they test pens and printers for the officers to use in a biological attack.) As a result they joined in with their older brother Che Micali (I ate Middle Eastern food the night before.) With all the labor and the dehydratory nature of the Ink Testing Center they made a water reduced time and heat hardened carbon based structure, that was designed to withstand a massive contraction of Cheyenne Mountain.
So I sat down and not assuming the swine built superstructure I was expecting the usual post rest defecation process. I gave the usual squeeze but nothing moved, again I squeezed, but still nothing. Next I braced myself and gave it my full heave ho, still nothing.
I of course wasn't prepared for such a monumental effort so borrowing some techniques from Olympic athletes, I moved into a metatative state and visualized the three swine's structure leaving the Ink Testing Center. With this visual in mind, I gave it my best Olympic Winning/Guinness World Record/Emmy Award Winning/Tony Statuette Awarded/Stanley Cup Worthy/Emasculated Oscar Statuette winning effort and like a woman having a easy birth I bore down, gave it my best masculine sustained grunt and with all my force I pushed the carbon superstructure out of the Ink Testing Center.
But unfortunately the superstructure ended up rupturing the red transport liquid storage vesicles. Of course my only knowledge of this was an educated guess because the liquid was clinging to the superstructure as well as being on the white perforated cleansing material.
I spent a moment recovering from this record shattering event, then dethroned myself to examine the superstructure.
What I saw was a structure resembling the Great Wall of china, a majestic structure, but all together cobbled together incoherently and without care of beauty, but able to withstand the stresses of my Ink Testing Center and even perhaps the mighty communal branched networked waste disposal and processing network. But, unfortunately not even I have the Inktestinal fortitude to track shit through that system.
Tune in next entry where we explore the exploits of PEN15 and his trusty junior sidekick PEN1.5
March 31, 2003
Compulsive Morals
I often wonder who reads this. I point people to it every once in a while because well, it contains my thoughts, and why repeat myself continuously?
I just found out tonight from a friend that someone who I have an intense dislike for (if you have questions about who, read January's archives) reads this in an office compulsively. Why? Because I'm told he's paranoid about it.
Jesus, some people need a life, honestly, if your reading this just to see if I say something about you your a fucking narcissist. To that person, you don't matter to me, grow up and move on. If you haven't noticed I'ven't said anything about you since the end of January, and I've only mentioned the organization that we were both part of a few times.
Some people seem to think that they're the center of the world. Now, I comically say that I'm the center of the world (well because I am! ;-) but I honestly don't believe it. I went to the Human Race today to see Proof , and there was this old fart of a woman behind me who wouldn't shut up as the lights went down, I had to turn around and shh her then ask her to be quiet, now I'm the youngin (in this theatre at least) so I should be the one being asked to be quiet, not the other way around.
In other news, I got accused of spreading a rumor in an earlier entry just today. Now what about timeliness. If that person had asked me to take their name off at that time, I would've, and I just did today without being asked. It does raise an interesting ethical question, what is fair game to be mentioned in here and what is not?
I'm not quite sure where to draw the line. There are definitely things that I don't just tell everyone, but I'm on the very open side about things. The Private eJournal only has seven entries in two months of use, and a few of those are only in there because I didn't want to incur someone else's wrath. (To the previously mentioned "that person", no your not mentioned in the Private eJournal) Those are really things that I wouldn't want an employer to see. (I mean really, look at the last entry, if I took that much time writing about defecating, don't you think anything could go in here?)
In general anything goes in here, I leave sex out because well thats private, it needs to stay in the bedroom, and while my laptop does get in my bedroom, its off when THAT happens.
So the morals of my rants are:- I am the center of the world, tough shit if you think otherwise, if you think you matter to me you might not.
- Shut the fuck up in the theatre, even if your older that 55 it doesn't give you carte blanche to speak.
- There are limits for the eJournal
- My iBook has either been protected or deprived from threesomes, take your pick.