July 01, 2003
Turbo Outing
I was at work. I think I had the fastest coming out experience on record or at least that I remember.
I mentioned that one straight boy was a cutie to a coworker. Another coworker who I know but wasn't explicitly out to asked (convolutely) if I was gay. I said yes. She said thats alright.
Dang, I never thought that it would get down to that short of a time. Coming out in one line. I just would've never thought that I could come out that fast, but its cool on my comfort level.
July 02, 2003
Philo Off
I was a participant in what many people would call a piss off fest today at work.
What was I doing to start this brouhaha? Getting naked at work? (No, although there are enough cute boys who I wouldn't mind spending more private time with.) did I yell fire at the top of my lungs? (Nope, thats illegal although some could argue that it infringes on my right to free speech.) No, I was explaining someone else's philosophical argument, specifically that of Bill Irvine's in The Politics of Parenting.
His book advocates many things which by many American's standards are "wrong." So I wasn't really me who was pissing my coworkers off but instead it was Bill Irvine.
I re-realized something during the argument though -- I like pissing people off, especially when its from an extreme philosophical/political position. It makes me feel more comfortable about the choice philosophy for my major when I go back to school.
July 03, 2003
Lonely
For some reason at this moment I feel really lonely. Maybe its that I'ven't see Jenni in one too many days; Maybe its the marriage chapter in Bill's book, and the crap with my sister friend; Maybe because I've been sleeping too long and alone; Maybe tis because close friends have seen long relationships just sorta grow into something more and romantic.
I've been debating why I'm single. I've had some other guys ask me that question. By any account I should be comfortably in a LTR. i don't play games -- being faithful is something I honestly believe in; Its not just nice but its the respect that I owe the other person.
Maybe its because I don't want to "date." I want to get through that as quickly as possible and get onto the "going steady" part. I want to start dreaming and fantasizing about the future. I enjoy living in the present but I'd much rather think about what can be, and make that happen.
So while in my future (as envisioned by Idealview®) I'm happily in love with and in a civil union with the man who is the love of my life with 2.05 children.
Maybe its because I expect a lot from myself and someone else is why I'm single? Do I scare people away by being too demanding on the first contact? I know I shouldn't change a date into a "will this be the one" interview, but I do it anyways, despite my best intentions.
Anyone want a date?
July 04, 2003
Heard some geeky music?
I spent a good chunk of the morning creating the What I'm Hearing section of my website. A totally narcissistic and geeky section of my webpage, but I must say I like it, and I did learn a good deal about PHP and CSS.
I think I've been focusing on computer stuff because I'm either lazy or insecure with what I've written recently. I've got at least three eJournal entries that I need to get typed and here. (They're written just not typed.)
I have also decided to focus more on Philosophy than writing. I think I'm a decent writer (perhaps even good?) but fiction is a field that I have no skill in. I like writing about whats on my mind and what has been pissing me off recently, but I can't pull stuff out of my ass. (Okay one exception.)
Its sleep time. No more new songs for a bit.
July 05, 2003
Leading thoughts...
I got to be the agent in charge at work tonight for several hours. this is the first time I've been in a management position in a while.
I dunno, to me at first its more of a burden than a gift. Its probably because I look at the responsibilities first. We had bad weather so first things was, "Okay be aware of the weather," so I made a point to look at that on my lunch break.
Then I had a shit fit making sure everyone got their breaks, which is a pain because third shifters don't take their breaks on time.
I like leaders who see their leadership as a responsibility to be used in a prudent and appropriate way; it should never be abused, one should take great care to swerve their constituency/ies as best as possible.
Politics are the reason I hate leading; it distracts from being a steward leader and makes it messier. Don't get me wrong I love political games for the scheming and the effort but I hate them at the same time because it distracts from being a good leader.
Speaking of leaders I've read an interesting piece about our Idiot in Chief and I'll be writing him and my congressman a letter.
And while I'm on the subject, I think we need to rename Iraq (since we're governing it) to "New Vietnam." It would put things in a proper perspective.
July 07, 2003
College Groupies
Okay I just read a college guidebook. I think the people who put these together have actually perfected the are of distilling all meaningful content out of them.
I want someone else to make this choice for me to take this burden over from me. I wonder if this is more because this choice needs to be made, but I don't want to be the one who's held responsible if its wrong.
What I'm exhibiting is schizophrenic internal corporate like "I'm not gonna make that decision"itis.
Every university at this point looks good -- its pathetic -- or maybe I've been choosy enough in my initial search that honestly they all will do.
There is the catholic dilemma though. Some of these schools are various orders of catholic schools. (Jesuit, Marinists, etc...) My interactions with catholics have tended to be us vs. them affairs where I'm with us and catholics are them.
I recognize here that I'm doing to "the catholics" exactly what I've been rallying against -- people should be judged as individuals and not as groups.
Okay this is going to quickly disintegrate into a liberal rant about treating people as individuals. So one last thought.. Its so easy to fall into judging people by the group they belong to is it fair to condemn those who accidentally fall into that behavior
July 10, 2003
Cute Curious Truth
I don't know what the fuck I just did. I just took some time off work to go eat at Denny's and write. I'm strange thats for sure.
NB: The manger is cute and the server is intriguing - Dang - My internal needing to have sex clock has gone off... lol
I've been waiting for A to call me. He's a closeted bisexual guy at work. I've called him once and emailed him - talking to him once a week, when I see him at work, isn't frequent enough. He's told me he likes me.
Damn, I can't just wait and take things slow - Its not in my nature it seems. I either procrastinate or do things really, really fast.
I'm stuck wondering who reads this? I know A does. Tommy does. Brian has read it. Does Shawn? Does Steven Johnson? (I wish) Does Phil? Does Jordan? Does Dave? (He's commented)
Of course a bigger and better question is why the fuck do I care?
I've proclaimed previously that I write this for me, but I'm intimately conscious that it gets read by others. Its one of those things though that I've had to learn. I've made the mistakes of putting people's names in here in a bad light. I've also conducted breakup fights over eJournals/Blogs.
I honestly like those entries, they're raw, true. There is no bullshitting going around in them. No calculated political thoughts about who I'll piss off and what they'll think and how to backhandedly slap someone.
I agree with George Carlin, there is too much euphemistic bullshit language that just cloaks and diminishes meaning. Its all fine and dandy when its done for a good laugh though.
People should say what they mean and mean what they say. Can you imagine how much more vibrant and honest political discourse would be if you just put it out there?
It of course wouldn't be kinder and people would get in a tizzy and there would be more murders/assassinations, but isn't this worth it for some honest discourse? Probably. (No!! Fuck I just did it, again -- see? Even when talking about honesty I get into that political bullshitting mode.) Yes. I'd choose greater honesty at the expense of a few lives.
So let me start here:
- President Bush is a fricking idiot and should be impeached as soon as possible for the good of the country and the good of the world. I watched him today doing the exact spin bullshitting that I so despise. Yes, Clinton did the same thing too, but he was talking about trivial things compared to what Bush has been going on about.
- Gay men need to stop worrying about getting their fucks so much and think about relationships, if we ever really want to be seen as "normal" and equal in society. A bunch of 25-35+ men acting like horny teenagers is embarrassing to the whole concept of gay rights. If you want gay marriage stop acting like a horny promiscuous teenager. If you don't give a shit, go and do what you please, just don't be a hippocrite by joining the HRC and Lambda Legal -- They advocate for gay marriage, etc...
- Everyone has the right to say whatever the hell they want. (save shouting fire in a theatre and similar things, that endangers others.) If Michael Savage wants to go on and on with his anti-gay comments so be it. He should just expect the gay activists to complain, they're not silencing him per se just applying pressure to remove him from a venue. If he really wants to say it let him purchase the airtime, until he does that he's a pawn of MSNBC. TOUGH SHIT!
Okay thats it for now. I'm bitched out and I need to start wandering back to work. But one more comment. I feel good about this, its my truth. I wish I could write fiction from this point of view, but it ends up being more like thinly veiled non-fiction.
Oh, one more honest point. A call me because well I'm getting impatient.
July 14, 2003
Outside Starbucks on a Summer Morning
On and off the traffic flow ebbs and flows under the tyranny of the three eyed enforcers, employees of the local governmental subdivision.
The cars trickle in under the direction of their dreary eyed caffeine deprived drivers.
A collection of packages under the watchful eye of a global multinet connected big brother slide by, some racing the clock to arrive within the next 45 minute by 9 AM.
The ebb and flow continues. The helium powered underpaid light spends part of yet another fortnight battering down, causing epidermal carcinomas, but as yet the employer of enforcers has yet to regulate this brutal photon source.
An employee of another floating gas ball stops outside, calls a friend with the code powered wire deprived collection of circuits. His friend goes inside and obtains two containers of caffeine.
Within a matter of moments fellow dihydrogen oxide bags descend next to me and begin a ritualistic exchanged of minimally useful information.
The ebb and flow of caffeine, people and cars continue.
Me? I sit aloof detached, silent watching everyone, everything consuming my 30,000 km stream of protons per second, devouring the resonance of the compressions of the acoustic ether.
A veblenesque vehicle pulls up, the driver bolts from it ignoring the attempted wing damage to the vehicle next door. The future direction notification device left on by tis status obsessed driver, turns itself off.
The ebb and flow of caffeine and cars continues. And me I sit, aloof outside the flow observing. Delaying the listed activities that beckon me from beneath this sheet of paper.
Observations are exhausted and time spent on the frivolous, but fulfilling activity of string together well recognized pictures.
The end, comes.
July 17, 2003
Quantum Mary Jane
I've been reading a book on Quantum physics. This is slightly like
deciding to rewrite the rules of logic, mathematics, and English and being told "The experiments support this as the best way to do math, logic and speak." (Note: The English must be rewritten by something more confusing than just placing it in ASL, American Sign Language, word order.)
I wonder if Quantum Physics was the inspiration for Weird Al's song "Everything you know is wrong."
Okay just a recap of some of the strange things I've read in the past week:
- Particles that receive photons that from our perspective have not yet been emitted.
- Kittens and even people who are in Quantum Flux (my term) because of an atom's lack of ability to determine if its on the side of a box with the detector hooked up to the lethal device.
- The apparent faster than light communication due to the atom's same inability to be decisive about which side of the box it swings to. This involves two space craft, one each with half of the box in question, two lethal devices and one alien. (After reading this I expressly forbid my kittens, George and Shaun, from having any contact with anyone with a PhD in Quantum Physics of the last name of Schrödinger, in addition they are to run and if need be climb up a very tall tree when coming in contact with any of the aforementioned persons. (I will begin holding Quantum Physics PhD/Schrödinger drills for my cats in the near future.)
- Individual particles of light that know if they are being watched and behave appropriately
- Individual particles that go through two holes simultaneously, interfering with themselves and act the same as they would if there were multiple particles.
I know strange shit ain't it? The thing is these are answers that are accepted as valid. The book I'm reading, Schrödinger's Kittens and the Search for Reality states that a major theory of Quantum mechanics "...is the most successful and accurate scientific theory there has ever been." (p. 90) It goes on to support this by stating one specific measurement is as accurate as measuring the distance between NYC and LA and being off by the width of a human hair.
All I can say is I'm waiting for the paradigm shift to get us out of this seemingly Mary Jane induced Achem's razor violating, overly absurd paradigm, so we all can get to the stage where we say, "what? They thought that?"
I'm really interested if at this point the paradigm shift inducing problem is floating around waiting to reach a crisis in the quantum physics research community.
Of course I wouldn't be able to see it if it came speeding at me at greater than the speed of light. (err excuse me, I'm going to rephrase that to spare myself contact with anti-particles.) Take two: I wouldn't be able to find it even if it was emitting and reabsorbing photons as if it was the hippest thing to do.
My knowledge of Quantum Physics is at the same ability of being able to add the numbers 1-5 together. I really should at least be able to do algebra... But I don't want to get a degree in this, just study it.
Anyone care to mix a few particles with me and talk about this stuff in depth?
July 19, 2003
Qualogical love
Is love only really love when its illogical? Stated differently is love when there is no logical benefit for yourself?
I got on this thread when I was thinking about my past relationships. I've been thinking about S, T, G, J, and D. (The alphabet soup lets me leave names out, bear with me.)
I got started on this thinking about when I went on a date with G, who is HIV positive. I know we talked on the phone a few times, and I saw him at work. I was the one to say that, "I like you as a friend but not romantically." He then basically accused me of not wanting to date him because he was HIV positive, despite the fact that I told him that his HIV status played no role in my deliberations.
This wasn't just a quick spur of the moment decision. I spent a good few days thinking about it and making sure that his HIV status wasn't a factor.
But I digress. My point is with G it was a logical process. I'm quite sure I could've flow charted my decision process. It was that logical.
But with S, and to some extent with T, it was just a feeling, something that swept me up. I quite remember with S and a bit with T attempting to explain my way to why I felt the way I felt or was doing what I was doing, but I just gave up finding no logical grounds for where I stand.
I think love logically can only be expressed as a tautology. I love ____ because he's _____. This works fine with family. (i.e. I love my mom because she's my mom.) It works well with socially recognized institutions. (i.e. Parenthood, Marriage.) But does a shitty job with boyfriends and relationships that don't fall in this category.
For instance, there is no reason to explain why I love Jenni; you just have to know us and our history, and even then its not quite logical. Whereas I can explain why I love my mom in eight words, most people would expect significantly more words to explain why I love Jenni or S. I feel perfectly justified in saying that "I love Jenni, because she's Jenni." Its not conditional, its not logical.
I believe love, when its true, only starts, but never stops.
I love S because he is S. It would be a lot easier if I could attach conditions to this, like I enjoy spending time with S ergo I love him. Because then I could apply logic to it. (i.e. I'm not spending anytime with S therefore I can't love him. See if that were true, I couldn't say I love S, but I do love S. (This love stuff is like Quantum Physics, forget about common sense.)
Okay two more letters, errr people to cover. No. I'm not going to cover J and D. Both of those are triumphs of biology over logic or love.
July 26, 2003
Grass
It amazes me how much effort people put into grass.
My dad (at the moment) works for a lawn care company selling services to maintain this man made natural "carpet." Of course we treat our lawns like bad children, it always needs lots of attention to make sure it is doing the "right" thing.
Suburbia is about the control of nature. (Assuming you can call the bastardized version of plants and animals that exists in suburbia nature.) Whereas urban areas for the most part just displace natural things and confine nature to specific areas, but urban areas make no attempt to look natural. There is no pseudo nature, controlled and contrived into a pretty picture to suite personal or communal tastes, as exists in suburbia.
It is my contention that grass was initially fundamentally like a Timex watch, or a SUV (or even a 17" Apple Powerbook, despite its inherent beauty.) -- It was something that was bought or maintained to show off the fact that you had money. Lawns (especially if you insist on very green lawns) are rather expensive to maintain with fertilizer, mowing, aerating, weeding, etc, etc...
The important thing to consider is whats the alternative? You could let wild grasses and flowers overtake your lawn and enjoy the true nature in stark contrast to the controlled primness of a "proper" suburban lawn. This is of course assuming that your neighbors and/or the city don't take it upon themselves to mow your lawn and bill you for the trespassing and destruction of property. (Of course in their defense this is in the name of "property value." Is it amazing how obsessed w are with money?)
Another alternative is to completely landscape your yard leaving no grass, albeit this only replaces on constructed nature scene with another.
You could finally put gravel in. (I've seen this in retirement areas in Florida.) Or, just pave the whole damn thing. (Although I can see the city complaining in this case as well.)
I'm also quite convinced that grass is a chosen weed, but I'll have to research further to support this claim.
Analyzed Bitching
I bitched out my friend A earlier today.
He's got a position at work that gets more pay, but he has less work to do; well no work to do. (Its not his fault, just the Ohio Relay Contract is screwy.) This is his second job, his first being a pretty well paying job.
I'm not sure why exactly I exploded at him.
I'm quite sure part of it is that when he's here its play time and lets entertain A time. While I don't mind a good conversation it seems like a requirement and plus he ends up bothering other people who are working and he seems to have no courtesy for others who are working, calling busy supervisors for no reason at all, being loud behind other working employees, etc, etc...
Another possible reason for my bitchiness is that I see him having this job just so he can buy a house, which at the moment I see as an unnecessary luxury. He has a moderate sized four bedroom house for one person and two cats. This really just seems like showing off to me. Of course I'm not enthusiastic about home ownership. I see most houses as a waste of money.
First of all the mortgage payment is usually more than rent, but you get less. Rent includes repairs, property tax, often extra amenities, appliances, among other things. I know people often tout the equity in homes, but if you look at it you have to pay a lot of bank interest and other additional costs that you don't have with an apartment, as a result your free cash flow should be higher allowing you to invest the extra funds.
I still don't know why I went off on A. I guess its some of this stuff and just the plain fact that I'm tired.
Dang, do I look like an ass now?
July 27, 2003
Quantum Truth?
The Quantum Physics book as caused me to being to doubt scientific truth.
Here is the problem: Science is a pursuit performed by people making a hypothesis and then creating an experiment to test it. (or vice versa, starting with an experiment then coming up with an explanatory hypothesis.) The problem arises in that we can never prove a hypothesis true, only falsify a hypothesis. So since people are constructing the theory and the experiments the hypothesis and/or theory are rooted in the history of that science and the experience of people performing the experimenting and hypothesizing. A danger in this is the possibility that there is a false case floating around waiting to be recognized as such.
While of course a false case is a danger to the theory being falsified, it is also potentially detrimental to theories that have been structured as a result of knowledge gained or theory developed on the falsified theory.
This of course calls into question the whole nature of science. Is there some case that can destroy the fundamental nature of science? Perhaps one of the core precepts that all science is based on is false? What then?
The possible flaw in my reasoning of course is eventually after an unfalsified theory is used and explored so many times does it become truth? When does it cross this line?
July 30, 2003
If Dante were alive now...
If Dante was still alive, and he was a Relay Communications Assistant, he would consider an additional circle of hell, being relaying calls to AOL tech support for the rest of your days. Like I had to do the other day in excess of an hour, in addition I hit the emergency button which caused the fricking computer to beep for the next 20 minutes till the end of the call. (What? It was a CA emergency!)
So I took my aggression out. I got one of those #@(!$@*#% AOL disks in the mail today.. so I took a hammer and pounded the fricking case in.
It was therapeutic.
Veiled Profanity
I was just composing my last entry in Userspace, and I went to spell check it... Apparently the folks at Apple have a sense of humor. Give the image a click for the close up..
Programming on the Left Side of the Brain
I tried writing with my left hand today. It was a result of trying to eat and program at the same time.
It looks like its written by a first grader, although I don't know very many first graders with the logical skills to be able to program ANSI C, maybe Basic or Logo, but defiantly not ANSI C.
I'm in a huge muddle with SpamFolderManger. I've honestly never dealt with a project of this breadth and modularity. Honestly I'm really a Applesoft BASIC programmer who has just transplanted himself to ANSI C. This is the first time I've actually tried programming like a C programmer and I'm well lost.
I've got a bunch of functions lying around and well eventually they should be able to be properly stitched together to create a functional program.
I'm reminded of sessions with my mother when she'd have all the pieces for her quilt covering the floor and she'd be attempting to figure out what was wrong in her cutting so she could piece the whole mess of fabric together properly to come out with a quilt. She always used to be so methodical and graph the whole quilt out and figure out what she had to do.
I know I need to create a "map" of this program for myself, so I know which way is up and how I need to proceed. I feel like I've been given a hot skillet on a stove without a handle, and I'm having to figure out how to build a handle onto this. Its probably something like molecular chemistry. (Wait, thats redundant isn't redundant?) I remember reading about buckeyminsterfullerene in Popular Science and how they had to graph a handle on it to take a picture.
Whatever the case I'm stuck feeling really stupid and really lost. Maybe I can learn to write with my left hand and program at the same time. My brain needs a good work out.
Of course I could be boring and take my second class on programming and just stick to my right hand for writing, but that just wouldn't be interesting.