May 04, 2008
Suicide: Taking Control
NB1: This entry has spoilers for the movie Bent. You have been warned.
NB2: I'm in quite good mental health; this entry purely theorizing.
I've been ruminating about people who make very logical, very defensible decisions to commit suicide. Categorically placing suicide as something immoral is as stupid as categorically placing eating meat as immoral. I'd gander most vegans and vegetarians would eat meat if faced with starvation; the percentage who would eat meat if the animal was already dead would probably be even higher.
So I have a few examples that I'm playing with at the moment.
The most recent one is at the end of Bent. Max is a German queer who is caught by the Nazis and sent to a Dachau, in a bid to survive he kills his lover on the way to the camp. Later at the camp he befriends another German queer who helped him survive initially, and since they're not allowed to touch one another they become lovers by inventing an early antecedent of phone sex. A Nazi Captain engineers the death of his lover. Max is forced to watch then bury his lover. In an act of defiance and pride he switches his shirt bearing the Jewish star, which he falsely obtained, for the shirt of his now dead lover, then kills himself on the electric fence where his lover's hat is hanging.
So another example, this one from real life. Esquire ruminated on The Falling Man. If you're faced with certain death isn't taking control admirable? Assuming that those who jumped from The Twin Towers knew they were potentially the victims of terrorism, isn't denying the terrorists the satisfaction of killing you by killing yourself honorable? It's giving the terrorists the finger. Another way to look at is that those who jumped chose not to be a direct victim.
What I'm driving at is it makes more sense to commit suicide than to be the victim of someone else's slow resulting actions.
One final idea to ruminate on is if you're:
- Elderly
- An environmentalist
- Perhaps bored and miserable
- Not contributing to society
- Have no living relatives
- In okay, but not great health
It is rational, and even perhaps defensible from an environmental standpoint to commit suicide. If you're near the end of life and not happy about it why continue to take up limited resources. This of course is an extreme case of the Tragedy of the Commons, and it was covered by Star Trek seventeen years ago.
I'm not sure exactly what I think about this case... Perhaps like a good Television series it is preferable to decide when to exit, than to jump the shark.
May 14, 2008
The Tree has Burned
My relationship with my Upper School (and Middle School for that matter) Alma Mater has been through many phases. It got started out on a really poor note when my they refused to enroll my sister for her senior year for reasons were perhaps a minor disciplinary matter.
So I wrote a letter to the Headmaster. Its long, goes on about a bunch of stuff and isn't anywhere near my best writing. But it is reproduced below for posterity and whatnot. I'll get onto the other pieces of this tortured relationship after the break.
Mr. Brereton:
I am disappointed that I feel the need to write this letter, but I hope it is the beginning of a meaningful dialogue.
I was angered when I learned of the disciplinary committee's decision not to allow my sister, Lauren, attend Miami Valley for the 2000-2001 school year.
My disenchantment is shared with others at the school. You yourself felt the need to hint at it in the 1998-99 Annual Report mentioning that “…others [have] expressed their desire for our school to maintain the core values that guided it through its early years.” The shift of MVS's core values was exemplified during the 1997-1998 school year.
The 1997-1998 school year was a time of many changes, the enrollment increased, but more importantly, students who attended MVS in the previous years noticed a difference in the new students. As a group we felt that the new students were not as well prepared, and in some cases did not care as much about learning as we did. Trying to detail all the ideas and feelings that were presented and argued fervently during hours of discussions over lunch and classroom tables would tax even the most cognizant of participants, but one statement sticks in my head. A trusted faculty member told me, “Its not then number of students, but the quality of students...” that has caused a change in atmosphere. The end product of these intense discussions is a Squiers inspired belief that continuity and change are constants, in varying proportions. Evaluating the result of a change in midstream is a futile effort.
Now that I am free of the stream of change, I must assert what my colleagues and I originally believed: MVS has changed for the worse, losing a significant portion of its intimate and supportive atmosphere.
The change my colleagues and I felt is best expressed in an obfuscated version of MVS's mission, instead of presenting “...to students of demonstrated ability a challenging program in a supportive and caring community”, MVS now apparently seeks to first, present a challenging program to students of demonstrated financial reserves, and second present a challenging program to students with exceptional demonstrated ability. This double standard does exist within MVS's administrative actions.
My sister was expelled for being, “mentally unstable” or more to the point, the school falsely suspected her of abusing illegal substances, but could not prove it. According to well-respected research, which MVS was surveyed for, 55% of students have used an illegal substance before graduating high school. By this standard over half of MVS's students should be expelled each year.
My sister was singled out for several reasons, first she is outspoken in her beliefs, and she utilizes and embodies the MVS Philosophy of striving to “academic excellence and freedom while [discovering] and fulfilling [her] potential.” Unfortunately the first amendment allusion in this school policy does not apply when it comes to Laura Mack. Second, my sister has felt held down and singled out by Laura Mack, forcing her to endure unreasonable treatments, and criticisms. These unfair treatments have brought my sister to tears on several occasions. Laura Mack has done this by attacking my family as being dysfunctional, upon the grounds that my parents are divorced (like half of all marriages) and my immediate family is dispersed over several thousand miles, a normal situation, considering the fact that thirteen years separates the oldest from the youngest sibling. None of these situations is an acceptable basis for criticism of an individual or a family. Finally, my family has fallen on economic misfortune that has changed the amount of money that is available for school tuition.
Money unfortunately talks, and MVS tolerates the behavioral and substance abuse extremes of students whose parents have the financial ability to pay tuition in full, it does not tolerate lesser behavioral abnormalities of students whose parent do not have the financial ability to pay tuition in full.
Money is the only thing that MVS appears to listen to; as a result I am forced to speak with my checkbook. To this end, I will not fulfil my five-year pledge beyond my most recent donation. This pains me, because I feel a personal need to support the school that supported and nurtured me.
In painful sincerity,
Nicholas Barnard
MVS Class of 1999
Johnston, L.D., O'Malley, P.M., & Bachman, J.G. [book on-line] The Monitoring the Future National survey results on adolescent drug use: Overview of key findings, 1999 (Rockville, MD: National Institute on Drug Abuse, 2000, accessed 21 June 2000); available from http://monitoringthefuture.org/pubs/keyfindings.pdf; Internet, 10.
I never received a response from Mr. Brereton.
Things eventually thawed and a new alumni coordinator, Jill Hanning, did wonderful things engaging the alumni community which allowed me to allow water under the bridge to be water under the bridge. I even considered participating in the alumni book club of sorts, which is funny if you realized how much I despised MVS's English program.
This newfound relationship came to a screeching halt when I received the following email from Jill on October 23, 2006.
MVS Alumni,I want to update you on some changes that were made at school this
week. I was let go from my position as alumni and communications
coordinator. I was told by Peter Benedict that the advancement office
will be heading in a different direction and that my position will be
eliminated and replaced with one that focuses solely on publications.
Mr. Benedict will be honoring the 06-07 alumni calendar of events that
I put together and will be meeting up with you all around the country,
himself.I am disappointed that I was not warned of this change or given the
opportunity to be a part of the redirection of the office. It is my
sincere hope that the alumni program is preserved and given the
attention and value from the administration that it deserves.I have enjoyed the last three years spent getting to know many of you
and I am sad for the abrupt end to what has been a lovely job, serving
our school.I will be in the advancement office until November 10; after that time
it is my understanding that Mr. Benedict will be handling all
communications. I will be at the DC gathering on November 3. You can
still email me at this address for the remainder of the year; I will
fulfill my teaching commitments (teaching one English elective per
term) in the upper school.Fondly,
Jill
At this point Peter Benedict had not yet been the headmaster for six months. Two days later I received an email from Mr. Benedict recapping what was left of the alumni program. I responded with the following email.
Peter,I was saddened to hear of Jill Hanning's dismissal from the alumni and communications coordinator position. I know Jill primarily through her position as the alumni coordinator, although I have fond memories working with Jill on the play the Diary of Anne Frank. Through all of these interactions I have always believed that Jill is a consummate communicator, both in her ability to listen and her convey information.
I do understand and support the logical necessity to achieve some synergies by utilizing travel for multiple purposes.
However one of the values that I cherished most in my time at MVS was the caring community. I have several relationships that are still ongoing from my years at MVS, and even when I run into friends who I have not seen in quite some time those relationships quickly rekindle. This sense of caring is not only between students and faculty and staff to student, but also between members of the faculty and staff. To this day I remember Mr. Graetz's professional and caring guidance to Mr. Fisher, a young Algebra teacher who at the time was not any older than I am today. I remember Ms. Lash's tireless efforts to keep Mrs. Kretzler on one topic for a full hour to gather the necessary information to reoutfit the art room. I also remember the longevity of many of the staff members and that they both were afforded generous notice from the school about the future of their employment and they also provided the school generous notice about the future of their employment. In all cases that I was aware notice of several months was provided, while this is much more than the standard required in business it is indicative of the caring environment that is a hallmark of The Miami Valley School.
Given these examples, I hope you can understand my dismay from the messages that I received last week from Jill and yourself. To alumni who do not have the benefit of other ties with the school the messages provide the impression that there was unacceptable, uncaring, and bureaucratic bungling involved in this decision. It is unfortunate that as an proud alumni member this is the first decision and first impression that you have made that affects my relationship with the school.
My relationship with MVS was tenuous during my senior year, and my first few years as an alumni. Both Aileen and Jill's efforts have gone a long way to repair the rent that has existed between the school and I. Unfortunately some of their effort was unraveled last week.
Regards,
Nicholas Barnard '99
I just sat in the background receiving MVS's communications to me but not really responding to them. The straw that almost broke the camel's back was when I got the "MVS Magazine" in my mailbox. Simply this was the most masturbatory piece of collateral that I've seen in a long time, on top of that it was a step backward given the increasing trend toward internet delivered communication. I decided to recycle it and hope that it was a onetime faux pas. It wasn't. I finally decided to tell MVS off when I got another slightly less masturbatory email, but it also mentioned that I'd be getting the next issue of the MVS Magazine. I just wrote the following email
Julia,Please take me off MVS's email and postal mailing lists.
Ever since the woefully fumbled dismissal of Jill Hanning by Peter Benedict MVS's communications have been either to ask for money or to stroke the school's ego. Miami Valley has abdicated any efforts to build a strong alumni community from which the school could then have cultivated donations.
I was appalled when I received the MVS magazine in the mail; I found it to communicate very little useful information, it was clearly produced with significant financial, staff, and environmental resources that could have been better deployed into other areas. I found it to be a self-congratulatory and aimed at showing off and not toward building and maintaining a community.
The alumni outreach program, as managed by Jill Hanning, had gone a long way toward healing embattled relationship I have had with MVS; since her dismissal I have found my relationship with MVS to be lackluster at best.
Regards,
Nicholas Barnard
Miami Valley School, Class of 1999
Thats where things stand.
Don't even try the argument that I'm not a valuable alumni member with deep pockets. It is true that my pockets are rather shallow, but things may not always be that way...
May 21, 2008
Telling my Grade book to go to hell
I've been faced with an unwanted but generally desirable problem: which job should I take?
I was unexpectedly catapulted into the job market back at the beginning of March. I spent a week licking my wounds, a week shining my resume up, then four weeks running through the interview gauntlet.I came out of this with two job offers: one for a position that wasn't quite what I wanted, but was at an awesome internet company. The other one was at an airline training company and the position was closer to what I wanted and was closer to what I've done in the past at Chiquita. It was quite likely that the offer from the training company would pay significantly more than the internet company.
There was one snag with this, the position at the airline training company had not technically been offered to me yet, but I had information that it would be offered to me. However, the position at the internet company had to start before the training company could give me an offer. I had already delayed the internet company once, and I needed to start a job, so I started at the internet company with the intention of quitting when I received an offer from the training company.
So, I waited for an offer from the training company.
And I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited for almost three weeks, which actually got me to the end of the training class at the internet company, when I received an offer from the airline training company.
The offer was far less than I thought it would be.
During my period of waiting, I had grown to like the work environment at the internet company and I became conflicted about leaving there. So I put together a decision tool of pros and cons for each position and visually weighted them. When I got the job offer from the training company I tinkered with the decision tool a bit and adjusted it.
I still felt uneasy about the state of the tool, so I put in some harder numbers as to cost savings that I'd have at the internet company but not at the training company. I also did some research inquiring about promotion opportunities at both employers and doing some first hand research on the commute to the training company. (I am quite decided that my main commutes will be by public transit for all of my future positions. Cars are just too expensive.)
The purely financial considerations of the positions clearly pointed towards accepting the position at the training company, with a net gain over the internet company as large as $9,000 per year. (The internet company has a performance based bonus program, so my compensation there can vary.)
I cannot lucidly cover all of the considerations that came into play, but it honestly came down to a decision of how much money would it take for me to sacrifice following my values. Some of this comes back to why I think I decided to move to Seattle:
- I wanted to live in a dense area where work, home and shopping were close together.
- I wanted to work at a company that was a leader in its field, and able to move aggressively, but not recklessly.
- I wanted to work somewhere with a very diverse employee population.
- I wanted work somewhere where the quality of my work was judged, not the fact that I had bleached my hair.
I really fiddled with the decision tool to find a way I could make the financials come out to be clearly positive for the internet company, and under the best case scenario that would happen. But everything has to fall perfectly for that to happen, and while I think it can happen, I wouldn't place a bet on it.
So my gradebook, the decision tool, pointed toward the training company. Then I remembered something one my favorite professors in college would often say, "Sometimes I like to tell my gradebook to go to hell."
I took several classes from that professor and he would give the same speech on the first day of every term. The example he usually gave was the student who had a high B (we didn't do plusses or minuses) and had put significant effort into the class, in these cases he would tell his gradebook to go to hell and give the student an A; the intangibles can and should override cold hard facts.
Leaders who do not understand that are not worth their weight in lead. The decision that is most cost effective is not always the right one, it takes courage and vision to realize this and follow through on it.
So I told my gradebook to go to hell and I'm staying at the internet company. Its a leap, but one that I feel comfortable with, and I believe I'm making the right decision for the long term, even if in the short term doesn't appear that way.
May 23, 2008
Blame the USO
I'm a member of MyPoints, its one of those ways I can get paid for receiving marketing, although I know the actual amount I make per transaction is pretty small.
But I got an advertisement from MyPoints for the USO that really annoyed me. It was dovetailing into Memorial Day and stated that "They don't do this in Bagdad" take a peek:
I received an Bonusmail for the USO. The tagline was "They don't do this in Bagdad." While I understand MyPoints does not completely control the content of advertisements, I believe this ad is racist and contrary to the American value that individuals are valuable. Denigrating any one person for who they are or where they live is morally repugnant and MyPoints as a publisher should not allow such advertising, even if it is from a reputable organization like the USO.
Respectfully,
Nicholas Barnard
This is hatred pure and simple. Its subtle and insidious, but the message is that Iraqis and by extension Muslims do not honor their dead or those who have serviced their country and community. Another way of stating this is that the email fosters the creation of a second class of world citizen. This line of thinking is harmful for both groups that are being created; I doubt division will be healed by a series of protests similar to the ones that were brought on by a bus boycott.
What I didn't get into with MyPoints is that allowing this subtle insidious form of hate it makes it more acceptable for people to practice overt forms of hate. Here is the thing about the Koran shooting, that soldier is going to get all sorts of crap for it. But the blame lies at the feet of the leaders of society.
The blame lies at the feet of the USO.
The blame lies at the feet of Donald Rumsfeld.
The blame lies at the feet of General Petraeus.
The blame lies at the feet of John Kerry.
The blame lies at the feet of Hiliary Clinton.
The blame lies at the feet of George W. Bush.
The blame lies at your feet.
The blame lies at my feet.