November 14, 2009
Please excuse the dust
Eeeewwwww! There's a lotta dust and cobwebs in this place!
I'ven't posted anything on this blog since May, and I'ven't written anything since April. I just haven't quite been in the zone or headspace to do much writing and honestly I'm not sure what I would've written about.
I'm going to worry about the basics first, like writing my this web design needs to go. But, I'm probably going to hire someone to work up an HTML file, CSS, and images. I've always done this for myself in the past but I really have no desire go muck around in that world. So if you're interestred on working on this let me know.
Headspace
I've been exploring the concept of headspace lately. Playing within the kinky world has brought this concept really close to the surface, but I see applications of the concept as I move throughout my life.
I had an American History teacher who one day decided instead of grading and doing other things during the periods he didn't have class he would go attend other classes. He found it disconcerting how much of a demand it was to switch between the different mental modes or headspace as the day went on. He was amazed that we actually managed to deal with rapidly switching between the numerological analytical mindset of a science class to the mindset of thematic exploration within a history class.
I cherish the headspace that a Sunday morning service at UUC brings me into. I once was late and walked into the service about halfway through and I never reached the calm meditative headspace that I was used to, an I was out of sync with my fellow church goers the whole service.
The headspace that I get in during kinky play is amazing and wonderful.
I had an unexpected play session on Monday night, which I had also put aside for working on some church projects. My play partner thoughtfully asked if I needed any personal time to work on stuff and he did leave time for me to do what i needed to do. But, I couldn't get myself into the right headspace for the work I needed to get done, and given how tired I was I just opted to go to sleep instead of attempt to push myself through it and be unsuccessful or turn out a crappy product.
I just got to putting the work into that project and I deliberatley decided to do something to get me into the right headspace, so I read the church newsletter. That was actually really helpful and while I'm not yet done the project seems easier now that I'm in that space.
I'm going to try to be really aware of my headspace as I move through my day. I often think I can multitask and switch around my tasks yhrough the whole day ad naseum, and while that works for some things it doesn't work for everything.
I spend much of my day at work mulitasking and being aware of the situation around me, but when it comes to something really detail oriented, like digging through packet captures, I put myself into a space where I'm not watching the chat channels and I change my work screenname so hopefully people leave me alone.
I'm thinking much of my procrastinating often comes from being in the wrong headspace to do what I need to do. I delay and delay because "the time isn't right" instead of taking the time to switch my headspace I just keep banging my head against the wall of procrastination. I then get to the point where I can't delay any longer and I have to do the work now, then I tend to put out a product that just gets me by.
In that church newsletter Steve Miranda, a teacher, is asking people to help him to help change how we teach our kids. It's not everything but I think helping kids explore the concept of headspace would be useful. I may have been an A- student instead of a C- student if I'd been more aware of my headspace.
November 17, 2009
There is no right to be depressed
I wrote this on a specialized depression support group forum, but this must be shared:
The most insidious thing about depression is that we start to see life through shit colored glasses.
It can be hard at times, but when things are looking really shitty, I ask myself two questions:- How could this be worse? (It couldn't be worse isn't an allowed answer.)
- What is good about this situation? (Everything has an upside, even if you have to work a backwards way through it. E.g. "I will be stronger, and more understanding of myself.")
I don't allow myself the right to allow myself to dwell on depressive thoughts: I have not earned that right. To reinforce this, I remind myself of the story told by Viktor Frankl of people in the internment camps who chose, even under those circumstances that they would be compassionate toward their fellow man. Until I have dealt with that, I don't have the right to dwell on my depressive thoughts.
Connections
I find myself with an interesting set of conundrums with interpersonal connections.
I'm entering the joyful world of developing new connections, close and deep connections with someone who I hope to get to know better.
I'm also stuck with the dreadful task of having a discussion with a dear friend acknowledging that connections are gone, and we should cherish and embrace the past for what it was.