The Call to be Conquered
Earth is a prime planet for mining and colonization. Earthlings themselves have been warming up to this idea and openly crying out in requests, some of which are known as “War of the Worlds” and “Independence Day.” Earthlings have become so desperate that they have sent us a work called The Prince by an Italian Earthling named Niccolo Machiavelli. In this work Machiavelli describes how Earthlings wish to be ruled and should be ruled.
Is Conquering Earth for you?
Machiavelli points out early within his work that previous experience in leading a governmental, or social body is recommend because “individuals [who] depend entirely upon the will and fortune ... of those who have installed them. They lack both the knowledge and means to keep their position. ... They lack the means because they have no forces upon whose loyalty and good will they can depend.” (p. 28-29) Our expert team of linguists (who are soliciting food and a room other than our basement) have interpreted this to mean that those who can obtain their power without the help of others will be more able to maintain this power. The important things to consider before setting off to conquer Earth are:
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Do you have a large army loyal to you? Conquering a planet not only requires a force to take the planet, but a sizable force to maintain your power on the planet.
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Do you have the skill, expertise, and experience to rule a moderate sized planet? A planet is a bad place to get your feet wet, try ruling a continent using The Intergalactic guide for Dummies: Ruling a Continent, available from your solar bookseller for 5400 Maxells.
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Do you have the time to rule a planet? Ruling a planet is time consuming, often requiring that you spend large portions of your hours there.
What way of Conquering Earth is best for you?
Machiavelli presents several ways for the non-earthling to conquer Earth but he makes several important points that must be taken into consideration when planning your method:
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Inhabitants like to be ruled by the same family, if not the same family, at least only two different ones. The two major families in a major country are called the “Republicans” and the “Democrats.” Inhabitants like to be ruled by one of these same parties because they offend the inhabitants less than other families. There appears to be several smaller families, none of which have been highly successful. One family in particular that maintains some power is apparently called the “United We Stand with Big Ears.” This family being a weak power, will “... as soon as a powerful foreigner [conquer] enters a province ... will become his allies through envy of those who have been ruling over them.” (p. 17)
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Kill the current leader and take his or her place. This method can be very effective due to the power that can come with the position, Machiavelli suggests that after conquering the planet, “... alter neither the laws nor the taxes. Thus in a short time they will become one with the conqueror/s original possessions.” (p.15-16)
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Totally annihilate the planet. This drastic method, although often used guarantees total power it does not provide for cheap labor for gathering of planetary resources. This is one extreme that Machiavelli suggests “... that men must be either pampered of annihilated.” (p. 16)
Which method of ruling Earth is best for you?
Once you have conquered Earth you need to rule it. Machiavelli has suggested several methods:
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Destroy the Planet. This method is an extension of the annihilation method of conquering the planet, and is described above.
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Live on the planet in person. This method allows you to learn the need of Earthlings, and to anticipate problems. Due to the complexities of personally ruling a planet it is given its own section below.
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Make the planet pay a tribute to you. Machiavelli suggests that “letting it [Earth] live under its own laws, taking tribute from it, and setting up a government composed of a few men [inhabitants] who will keep it friendly to you.” This method while less intensive than living on the planet may be hard due the family structure that currently exists on Earth.
Ruling Earth Personally
Machiavelli has lead us to believe that Earthlings like to be ruled by leaders that are near them due to the massive amount of text he has written on the subject. He recommends that:
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Avoid future problems diligently. Machiavelli states that it is better to deal with a problem as early, when the cure is easy, rather than letting the problems build then having to come up with a hard and complex cure.
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Examine the repercussions of your decisions. Machiavelli suggests that considering your decisions and recognizing what problems they will create for Earth in the future for you or your followers to deal with.
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It is best to leave the government in place like you found it. Machiavelli has made it clear that “there is nothing more difficult to plan, more uncertain of success, or more dangerous to manage than the establishment of a new order of government.” (p. 27.) If you do plan to set up a new government take into consideration the people who you will be ruling, and how they will react to the changes.
Final Suggestions for Ruling Earth
Earth and its inhabitants, are flexible, and in many cases can be made to suit your needs. If you follow the instructions above you should have a nice, easily controlled planet for you to do with as you please. If these instructions do not work for you please try The Intergalactic guide for Dummies: Fixing that Planet You Messed Up, available from your solar bookseller for 216,000,000 Maxells.