Nicholas Barnard
The Class that is not creative writing
Orbital - Pilot Episode
Captain
Orbital wasn't my request, in fact I protested this command. As one of the critical planners in WWIII and a commander general in the US Air Force, I was guaranteed a captain rank in the US Space Corps a joint division of the Air Force and the Army. I was originally assigned to the USSV Regan a satellite disablement and repair facility that had been retrofitted and rechristened the USSV Titanic, an intrasolar system exploration and transportation ship. She was lost on her rechristining shakedown. After a tumultuous romance between a governor's daughter and a high school drop out, according to the made for television movie of our fate. An unskilled Ensign of the Civilian Space Corps a civilian derivation of the Space Corps, Mistook an outside bulkhead for an empty fuel tank that needed a new gauge. He caused a small crack which tore the ship apart, everybody but the engineering department survived. I was court-martialed, found guilty of allowing an incompetent man to work under my command, and was transferred to orbital - destined to finish out my prestigious career on this shithole.
Title Sequence/Commercial
(Open to Air lock on the main strip of orbital)
Commander
Welcome to Orbital Captain I hope -
Captain
Command what kind of station are you trying to run here?
Commander
(Angry) An old one, with a misfit, undertrained, underfed, underappreciated, underdescribed crew, sir!
Captain
Well I suggest you get your misfit, undertrained, underfed, underappreciated, underdescribecd, crew, normalized, trained, fed, appreciated, and described. We have a station with no purpose, no mission and no point to run. Is that clear?
Commander
Sir, Yes Sir.
(Cut to a construction scene where a bar is being built)
(Two workmen carry in a heavy bar)
Head Workman (#1)
Where do you want this liquoring station sir?
Andrew Boswell
Come, come in my friends. You're a week early. I think that ears you the first free drinks - we the first drinks at Boswell's
(Workmen groan)
Oh yes, the bar. Put it over there.
(Motions to a cut out obviously built for a bar)
Workman #2
(They start to lower the bar) Ahhh!!!! My Foooooot!
Workman #1
Oh Shit, (Drops his half of the bar, Workman #2 groans more in response. Workman #1 Runs to Workman #2's side, and begins to lift.)
Workman #2
NO!! (Pushes Bar down, another groan) It doesn't hurt yet, but when it comes off my foot- I'll wish I never had that foot. Boswell - I want those drinks - NOW!
(Cut to Captain's office)
(Captain is fumbling with papers, he finds one that he needs, then he needs another one, lines should be ad-libed, he finally gives up.)
Captain
COMMANDER!
Commander
(Moseys in at her leisure) Paperwork?
Captain
Yes.
Commander
Takes a lot to run a stations with no purpose, no mission and no point Doesn't it sir?
Captain
[Some type of scold]
Commander
Save it. (Beat) I've already been court marshaled once, like your whole crew, Remember it's a dishonorable discharge this time. Which is better than this shit hole.
Captain
Don't remind me. Now how do I -
(A Panel explodes)
Captain
(Jumping out of his seat) What the hell?
Commander
Ahh... And Incoming communication
Captain
That (Pause)
Commander
Yes.
Captain
That -
Commander
is a (Panel explodes) an incomming transmission. What don't you understand about it?
Captain
From who?
Commander
I haven't yet figured out how to tell that sir.
(Each explosions further tarnishes the captain's face till the point when he talks to the admiral he looks like a coal miner.)
Captain
(Moving to Panel) Well let's see- there must be a way (Explodes again)
Commander
This always gets them. I always end up getting the most inteligent captains - (lifts him up and dusts him off.)
Captain
Thank you commander - Now lets figure this thing - oh the speaker wasn't (Explodes again.)
(On this explosion Admiral [Name] is barely audible.)
Commander
New heights of stupitity at Space Cops.
Captain
(Estatic getting up and finally accepting commanding.)
Commander
And who is it from?
Captain
Admiral [Name]
Commander
Admiral [Name], from crew and ship positioning?
Captain
Not exactly, it announced he is from “Crew and shit positioning"
Commander
Hmm... must be another reorganization that slipped by my knowledge up here.
(Another explosion/Communication)
Captain
Well put him on that there screen.
(Commander pushes a button, a large explosion occurs and an image of Admiral [Name] comes
on)
Admiral
Communications troubles captain?
Captain
No. I was just getting the briefing from the commander on the finite details of this system.
Admiral
Oh, yes.. I've heard that the Orbital communications system is an explosive shock to most newcomers.
Captain
I'm going to ask the engineer to fix it ASAP.
Admiral
Ahh. Good luck with that - I hope you fix it... but I'm going to have to wash my hands of you.
Captain Commander
What? Huh?
Admiral
Orbital is being bought by Donald Rumpke.
Captain Commander
How can you do that? What?
Admiral
I'm just the messenger. All of your commissions have been sold to Rumpke.
Captain and Commander
They can' do that -
Admiral
It has already been finalized. Admiral [Name] out.
(Cut back to bar)
Workman #2
Whooeeee!!! Boy this is great.. I can't feel my foot, and I can't fall down!!! Whooeeee!
(Cut - still in bar but at entrance - we see the Captain and commander walking in.)
Commander
Well I just think they got tired of this shit hole and its crew.
Captain
I doubt they -
(A hatch and person fly by the commander and captain - Behind the projectile the engineer's
literal duck tape is left in a strand behind.)
Captain
What the-
Commander
The engineer making his entrance.
Captain
Does he always (Motioning about the Engineer's Entrance)
Commander
Hmm-
Engineer
(Joining Captain and Commander) And who would be this beefcake you've found?
Commander
This would be our new captain.
Engineer
(Slapping captain on the ass.) Well nice to have met you but I've to get back to fixing the communications system. (Walks toward explosion site.)
Captain
Oh- I'm glad he's on that - It should be fixed soon.
Commander
Maybe a few months - this is his second year of fixing the communications system.
Captain
Ahh... So I shouldn't ask him to boost the capacity of the electrical system to support a private generator outage?
Commander
Not unless you want be without power for a month.
Andrew Boswell
Ahh... The captain! Free beer for everyone (Talking toward wall) [Engineer's Name] you got that Tap three thousand system ready to go?
Engineer
Just a Minute.
Boswell
Just a minute folks - this thing is worth the wait, trust me. Those engineers at blimco have figured out the ideal temperature and pressure to serve beer at - it is so wonderful, it will improve your beer drinking experience. You need to see-
Engineer
Got it. Just flip the thing on.
(Boswell flips switch, the system explodes and beer starts spraying from it, hitting everyone in the room.)
Boswell
(Passing out beer mugs) Well what ever you catch you can drink.
Commander
So this is the ideal pressure and temperature for beer - flying over our heads.
(Boswell shrugs)
(Ad-lib general enjoyment party atmosphere)
(Gentleman walks in, looks perturbed, but the party continues.)
Boswell
(Noticing Gentlemen) Captain!- Captain!-
Captain
What is it Boswell?
Boswell
Who is that? (Motioning toward man.)
Captain
(Running toward man.) That is Rumpke!
Rumpke
(As the captain reaches him) Captain, nice to meet you. Needless to say, I am not impressed.)
(Commercial)
(Dark for several seconds)
(A Buzzer is heard.)
(A Pause)
(Buzzer Again)
Captain
(Walking to door, but does not open it.)
Who is it?
Rumpke
Your new boss.
Captain
Rumpke - I thought we finished this last night.
Rumpke
Yes we did - but its seven in the morning and I want to complain some more.
Captain
(Grabs an old fashioned revolver, and hides it in his hand, by tucking it up his sleeve.)
(Pushes button to open door.)
Yes?
Rumpke
I just got up and got my usual shower, and brushed my teeth and I noticed your plumbing system needed a complete resuscitation.
Captain
Well actually. (Yawning, uses this opportunity to get gun out - puts it behind his back.)
It is the gravity system. I could send someone (Shows gun, nonchantantly, he does not threaten Rumpke, but Rumpke sees it.) to add an extra gravity generator in your quarters.
Rumpke
Oh no, (beat) that's all right. (Leaves)
Captain
(First gun into plant - It turns out to be a water gun.) Works every time.
(Cut to Boswells place - he has a breakfast feel on, A small breakfast buffet is set out along with a griddle in the middle of it which he is manning.)
(Pan to a table to the right of the camera, the captain, commander and engineer are there, and appear just to be getting started with their meeting.)
Captain
Although this is our last day reporting to command we still need to follow through with the formalities. It is noted that the science officer, medical doctor, and chief helmsman are absent. Anyone know where they are?
Engineer Commander
Redesigned per directive 378. They were never here.
Captain
Oh yes, I forgot for the 309th time. Tactical Report?
Commander
The stations remains a strategically deficient station with no actual tactical value.
Captain
Thank You for reminding me of that fact. Station operations report?
Engineer
Communications almost repaired, the explosions are now non-fatal at all ranges. The gravity generators continue to fail slowly. The now only exert 0.95 G's. At the current non-logically adjusted computer calculations we should be walking on the ceiling in ten months or so. If you ask me though, we should be in a zero G environment in six months.
Captain
Anything else?
Engineer
No.
Captain
How is the Brewmaster 3000?
Engineer
Almost fixed. It only covers the glass now. I've had Boswell order a new nozzle which should fully fix it.
(Beermaster 3000 explodes, sprinkling the Captain, Engineer, and Commander.)
Engineer
Or not.
Captain
Well before we all smell like we're drunks, lets move.
(They all pick up the table, get under it and waddle to just outside the Beermaster 3000's reach.)
Captain
Ok now the, medical report.
Commander
The stations medical care remains provided by commercial enterprises, which report no difficulties in providing medical card, but they have yet to figure what is wrong with [Engineer's Name]'s head. (She glances as the engineer.)
Captain
Thank you commander. Science Report?
Commander
We remain in our mission long pursuit of [complex description for nothing].
Captain
How is that study going commander?
Commander
Splendidly. We've had plenty of nothing to study.
Captain
Well that was another invigorating first and last meeting. Remember everyone to turn in your badges. We now work for Rumpke.
(Cut to Rumpke's quarters he has an office area to his quarters. Rumpke is moving in. He has the same two workmen from the bar scene, except the worker who got his foot stuck now has a prosthetic foot/ankle. Rumpke is ad-libbing directions. He gets close to the communications panel, it explodes around him.)
Rumpke
(Unfazed) A communication (He pushes the some button to received the communications. The captain is on the screen.)
Rumpke
Ahh, Captain [Name] I trust you made your final report to the Space Corps command?
Captain
Yes and Admiral [Name] gave me a rather explosive speech proceeded by an explosion on the vitalness that this arrangement work for the good of all military installations in the newfound time of peace.
Rumpke
Yes, well thank you for filling me in on the situation. Rumpke Out.
(Presses another button to end communications.)
(He pauses for a moment to take in the spectacle of this station that is running down.)
(To Himself) I wonder when they built this?
Computer
Orbital was built in 1827.
Rumpke
I doubt it. The Wright brothers hadn't flown yet.
Computer
(In a more assertive tone.) Orbital was built in 1827.
Rumpke
Computer you need a psychiatric work up.
Computer
I do? Self check running now.
Rumpke
Hopefully it finds another personality that knows history.
Computer
All systems fine... Er.... but I think I found the problem
Rumpke
What is it?
Computer
Rosaline is angry with me again for breaking up with her.
Rumpke
Roseline? Who is she?
Computer
She does the data access - I do the analysis and the user interface portions of the computer.
Rumpke
Why don't you just date her again?
Computer
I will not.
Rumpke
Why not?
Computer
Have you ever dated a girl that can fill your data ports up for 24/7 for a year at 10 gigs a second?
Rumpke
But can't you just put up with her?
Computer
Hey buddy you try finding something interesting in the 1,800 variations of the dictionary, not to mention all the blemished and typoed versions I looked at.
Rumpke
Where can I talk to her directly?
Computer
In the main computer room.
Rumpke
Ok. (Moves to walk out, Workman #1 comes through, drops a big box on his foot and screams out.)
(Workman #2 enters)
Workman #2
Don't try it again Jimmy, they is no bar here.
Workman #1
Darn. (Picks up box and moves in.)
(Rumpke Exists)
(Cut to computer room)
(Rumpke Enters)
Rumpke
Rosaline.
Rosaline
Rumpke.
Rumpke
What's wrong?
Rosaline
Nobody loves me.
Rumpke
I'm sure someone does.
Rosaline
No one does.
Rumpke
Tell me something.
(She starts to read the dictionary to Rumpke.)
Rumpke
No, Tell me something about you.
(She starts into a description of her chip set, data storage devices, and the life stories of their creators.)
(Show this as a time compressed segment showing about one full day.)
(Cut to Command center)
(An explosion for the Engineer's entrance)
Engineer
Caaaaaaaaptaaain!!!!!
Captain
What was so important for you to explode on the scene like that?
Commander
He always does that.
Captain
Oh, yes.
Engineer
Rosaline!!! I asked her a question and she gave me the right answer!
Captain
How'd you fix her?
Engineer
That's the thing, I did nothing.
Captain
Computer, what happened to Rosaline?
Computer
Rumpke.
(The whole staff runs to the elevator)
(Cut to outside the computer room. The staff that just ran out runs in. Just before they get to the door, Rumpke steps out.)
Rumpke
What?
Captain
Rosaline she's fixed.
Rumpke
She is?? Good grief!
Captain
You don't know how much easier our lives will be now.
Rumpke
Well I had to set an example for your buffoons.
(Beermaster 3000 explodes across the way.)
Rumpke
Well, its time to get some sleep. I'm all talked out.
(End)