Premise: Comedy around Kidnapping.
Opening: Ransom message.
Closing: Kidnapped/ers playing cards, cops storm in.

Characters:
Fred: Lead kidnapper, mentally unstable, could be called looney
Jimmy: Accomplice, the guy who holds everything together.  Anal retentive, must have 
everything organized, has temper tantrums when things don’t go right
Joel: Kidnapped.  Goes with the flow, but like most teenagers easily makes messes.

Scene 1
(Closed curtain, Reading over the PA system, crackly if possible.)
Joel: (Scared, but playing it cool, sounds as if reading from a scrawled handwritten 
message.)  Mom and Dad, I’ve been kidnapped.  The kidnappers have treated me fine and 
have instructed me to tell you that the ransom for my release is $5 million dollars.  The 
money should be left at the telephone booth at the corner of Main and 5th at 9 am, four days 
from now.  (Joel’s speech becomes freer, Fred can be heard snoring in the background.)  
	Mom, I’ve been going over the new product that the R and D department came up 
with.  I love their idea of having an herbal shampoo line.  Make sure that the perfuming 
department makes sure the stuff smells good.  I’m not to enthusastic about the idea of putting 
wheat or berries at the bottom of the bottle, I just have the notion that someone will try to 
make strawberry bread from shampoo, and we’ll get our asses sued off..
	Dad, I had this great idea last night for that marketing campaign for the battery line - 
think of this - a pink bunny that has a battery in his back and he moves his hands back and 
forth - pounding on um...er...  well pounding on a drum.  Yeah thats it....
Fred: (Waking up)  Err..  What the hell are you doing kid?  You’re still dictating that note?  
Boy, you need some help.
Joel: (Back to scrawled voice) It is to be provided in one and five dollar bills.  I will be 
returned at a different location approximately twenty-five minutes after the money is 
received.  Thanks Mom and Dad.

Scene 2
(Curtain open, lights fade in slowly, no action takes place until lights are at full.  Living 
room, Piles of magazines, Center couch, with coffee table, recliners on either side of couch.)
Fred: (Jumping around frantically.)  We did it!  Can you believe we did it! (He knocks 
things over as he celebrates,  Jimmy follows him and cleans up after him.)  We’ve got five 
million dollars!  Woopy!  We Did it.
Jimmy: (Grabbing video from his hand.)  I did it, I did it!  Don’t forget that .  (Sits down, 
puts a label on the video tape and begins to write, then asks out loud to himself.)  What do 
you label a ransom tape?
Fred: What do you a label a ransom tape?  We just made five million dollars and your 
worried what to label a ransom tape.  You know good help is really hard to find.  (Lights 
dim on everybody except Fred.)  (Introspective directed toward audience.)  The last guy 
wanted to file tax forms, tax forms!  The dude almost got me caught by filling out his last 
employer as Fred’s Kidnapping Inc.  The IRS called me and started asking about Fred’s 
Kidnapping Inc.  I told them that next year I was going to get a yellow pages ad.  Jeeze some 
governments.  Do you remember when governments used to be reliable, providing services 
for the entrepreneur...  The good old days’s of kidnapping.  (Dream Sequence Music) I 
remember my first job, in New York City.  Good help was always easy to find, plus they 
came with their own police uniforms, really authentic looking badges, and even could get a 
car that said “New York City Police Department” right on the side.  And all that for only a 
$2,000 bribe...  I found my best partners at the Police Department.  Those were the days of 
government subsides.
Jimmy: (Bellowing, Jolting Fred out of his diatribe)  WHAT SHOULD I LABEL THIS 
TAPE!?  
Fred: (Still Talking toward audience, but recognizing Fred.)  Well, he’s the best I could find.  
(Comming back to the rest of the action.)  Just put “Play this tape soon” on it.
Jimmy: That is not a proper descriptive tape label, the label for a tape is supposed to be 
descriptive, not just “Play this tape soon”!
Fred: Well then label it “Joel Franscican’s Ransom Demand Tape slash Terminal Foo 
Fighters,”  I loved that movie, too bad it was that or Super Terminal Foo Fighters.  I’ve got 
to remember to buy video tapes next time I kidnap somebody.
Jimmy: (To himself) A padded or non-padded envelope.
Fred: The padded one of course, (Builds) we don’t want them spending two whole friggin 
weeks reconstruction your broken tape.  (Pauses)  Well I’m going to get some sleep. 
(Jimmy finishes with the envelope and then gets a sheet from behind the couch and neatly 
lays it down on the couch very neatly.  He then takes a pillow from the same place and fluffs 
it, then goes to bed.  Lights go down.)

Scene 3
(Pounding a door is heard. Lights come up, but only partially, moonlight like.)
Fred: (Running on Stage)  What! What do you want you little SOB!  (He walks offstage and 
then many locks are heard unlocking.)
(Joel is seen falling onto stage like he’s been punched, Fred follows and throws another 
punch, a fight ensues.)
Fred: (Desperately) Jimmy, Jimmy wake up!  Wake UP!
Jimmy (Quickly moves so that his upper body is at a 90 degree angle to his lower body, he 
appears startled)  (Unaware of the actions around him.  The fight between Joel and Fred 
continues.)  Oh my god I had the worst nightmare, I was in a room with stacks of colored 
paper that were in unsorted rainbow stacks, and I had just spent hours of sorting all of the 
paper into properly sorted stacks, then a 9.0 earthquake up and toppled all my neat stacks, 
and I had to spend another four hours resorting the stacks while all these sirens and screams 
disrupted me.  When I finally finished I discovered I had wrinkled a sheet.  Then I woke up.
(During this monolog, Joel and Fred have fought and toppled the stacks of magazines, 
Jimmy still unaware of his surroundings begins to sort and organize the magazines back into 
stacks.  while he’s doing this he rips a cover and has to find some tape and patch it back up.)
(Fred and Joel continue to fight, this has become fanciful and rather outrageous, near the end 
of the above monolog Joel and Fred become noticeably tired, and eventually they both just 
end up sitting on the floor catching their breaths.)  (Jimmy continues his clean up tasks.)
(A Pause, audience should be allowed to take in this spectacle.)
Fred: (To Joel) I give up, wanna play some cards, or maybe a board game.
Joel: (Dumb founded he takes a minute to respond, when he does it is an incredibly cautious 
response.)  Well,   um... do you have Monopoly, I’ve really have had this strange urge to 
play monopoly, something about paying $400 for a piece of paper and putting nice little, 
plastic houses on it.  (Jimmy leaves, finally paying attention to his surroundings he is getting 
monopoly.)  Its a really odd urge, like that time I wanted to bake worms into an apple pie, so 
there would be some contrast in the texture of the pie.  One of my really odd eating 
concoctions, like adding corn starch to a tortilla batter so you can form the uncooked shells 
and make nice 3d sculptures out of the result, sort of like a teenager’s play dough, only its a 
bit messier than play dough, with all of that flour, hee, hee.  (He gets up and sits in a chair 
swinging his legs over the armrest, kicking over one of the stacks of magazines that Jimmy 
had just finished piling up.)  
(Jimmy arrives, with monopoly, sets it down and non-chalantly begins cleaning up Joel’s 
mess from the magazines.)
(Fred gets up and sits across from Joel, he begins to shake the box, he turns it on its side and 
continues shaking the box.)
Joel: (Still cautious, he’s not sure how to act in this situation.)  Umm...  What are you doing?
Fred: Searching for cockroaches, I save them to feed to my kidnapped kids.
Joel: (Surprisingly unphased.)  So that is what that mush was.
Fred: Unfortunately my landlord started spraying for bugs, so cockroaches are hard to find, 
so I’ve had to start blending in spam
(Josh runs off stage looking sick, a barfing sound can be heard off stage.)
(Joel comes back on stage his hair has turned pink from the spam.)
Fred: What happened? 
Joel: Well after bowing down to the porcelain god, I lost my balance and fell head first into 
the toilet, and this (pointing toward hair.) happened.  Well, could I take a shower?
Fred: I really wish I let you take a shower, um but, the shower broke, and I’ve called the 
plummer but he’s comming till after we get rid of you.
Joel: Well what can I do?
Fred: Well you could use the sink, but then Jimmy would be cleaning it up for the next four 
hours, and we need another player.
Joel: Well I can’t play with this crap in my hair.
(Runs his hands through his hair.)
Fred: Wait a minute, I’ve got an idea.  (Runs out and comes back in a minute later with a 
loaf of bread, he tosses it to Joel.)
Joel: What am I supposed to do with this, eat it so my hair will grow faster?
Fred: Didn’t you ever study biblical history?  Some people used to clean their hands with 
bread then throw it out the window then other people would eat it.
Joel: So, you want me to clean my hair with bread?
Fred: Yeah, just save the bread, my hampster loves pre-digested treat sandwiches.
Joel: Treat?  (He runs of stage and throws up again)
Fred: (To Self) Was it treat or spam?
(Joel runs in this time his hair has some greens in it.)
Fred: (Looking at Joel’s hair.) Treat, definitely Treat.
Joel: (Grabbing loaf of bread.) Well let me go clean my hair up.  (Leaves)
Fred: (After Joel leaves.) I made five million dollars!!!! (Reclines, puts hands behind head.)
Jimmy: Correction I made five million dollars.
Fred: Hmmm....  Oh....  I’ve got a crazy idea.
Jimmy: All of your ideas are crazy.  
(Fred gives him a nasty look and continues.)
Fred: Whoever wins this game of monopoly gets the five million, all of it.
Jimmy: Even the kid?
Fred: Even the kid.
Jimmy: But what if he....
Fred: He won’t win, I’m an expert at this game.
Jimmy: Ok, Rich Uncle Pennybags.  
(Joel comes back in with a few slices of bread stuck to his hair and the loaf of bread.)
Joel: (Throws the loaf of bread at Fred.)  Well that worked well Caesar!  What next are we 
going to try sourdough bread, or bread pudding?
Fred: Sorry man.  It worked for the philistines.
Joel: Don’t worry about it - I’ll make it into the next fashing fad.  Just let me throw some of 
thse shampoo samples on to quench the smell.  (He takes a few sample packages from his 
back pocket, rips them open and pours them over his hair.)
Fred:  Ok.  (Pause)  Well we’ve got a deal for you- Lets play monopoly, whoever wins the 
game, gets all of the five million dollars.
Joel: Oh, my bank account was looking a bit shabby...  I just spent my rolities froim the 
Wendy’s “Where’s the Beef” campaign.
Jimmy: You some kind of ad exec or something?
Joel: I’m the youngest ad supervision at my agency....
Jimmy: Oh-Must be a good job- better than this
Joel: (Looks around)  Well, umm, yeah.
(Pause)
Fred: (Breaking Silence) Well lets get this car (picking up monopoly token) on the road, err 
board.
Joel: (Lights fading out) (Picks up dice and rolls.)  Snake Eyes!
Fred: Damn..					Jimmy: How Pretty!
(Lights Out)

Scene 4
(Lights up)
(Jimmy has only neatly startched red and white striped boxers on.  Fred has only his pants 
on.  They’re clothes are sitting on the ground behind Joel.)
Fred: (Just rolling dice.) Four (Picks up car and moves it four spaces.)
Joel: Ahh..  Boardwalk, that’ll be [find price for of boardwalk with hotel].  Those pants look 
like they’re worth [price] bucks.
(Fred bregrudglingly removes pants he is wearing Micky Mouse boxer shorts, Joel takes 
pants and grabs keys from the front pocket.)
Jeol (Holding Keys up.)  Thanks!
(Joel grabs clothes and walks out.)
Fred: You said you could win!  (Slaps Jimmy)
Jimmy: How was I supposed to know he is Donald Trump’s son?
(Lights Out)