January 03, 2003
First Entry
okay the first blog entry -- and its not really a blog entry, I'm writing in text edit with plans to put it my blog tomorrow, when I set it up. In all honestly, i've been thinking of putting a blog up for quite a while, but reading Shawn's has kicked my ass into getting mine set up. He is so honest to the whole world in those, i feel as if I'm violating his privacy, and tipping the scales badly in my favor. I can read up on his history in his blog, but he has to trust me to tell him my history. But I have been up for too long at this point, I must get some sleep --
To Shawn's Mom
I wrote this after reading Dear Mom.
Dear Ms. Walker,
I know Shawn will always miss you.
I know it pains him that you will not see him move on and move into his life. But, I assure you that you have raised a fine young man, someone you can be secure in being proud of .
I am truly thankful for the kind, caring, and respectful man you have helped bring into my life. I promise to do my best, to care for him, and I know he will care for me, and look out for his happiness and best interests, even if that means sacrificing my own.
While, I will never get to meet you, your time and effort are truly appreciated.
Nick
January 04, 2003
Futile Philosophy
I woke this morning listing to This American Life.. The episode today was number 228, titled You Are So Beautiful ... To Me I listened to the first act, about a woman in love with her parrot, and then was wholly compelled to run downstairs and grab my paper journal. (sorry to all you net readers out there, somethings gotta be private!) I consumed several pages of writing, with no further end in sight regarding my debates of love. Sigh, sometimes even joy is incredibly complicated. Oh Well...
I've yet to talk to Jenni about Shawn for any length -- our schedules just haven't jived -- she always has a way of helping me rationalize my way out of any situation. (Come on, she provided some very convincing arguments that by spending $2000 or so between my laptop and my bike, I was somehow saving money.)
January 07, 2003
Monday and Tuesday Roundup
I'm sitting here on Shawn's feet (they're cold) He's working on his computer and I'm working on mine. We're not saying anything to each other and I'm still enjoying it... But time to back up. I picked him up from the airport last night, and I still felt that magic that is between us all night.
We went out to eat dinner at Hops. We walked into the restaurant about 18 minutes before they were scheduled to close, I felt a bit guilty but the waitress was very nice, and even recognized that we were on a date, and offered one check. For most people it doesn't seem that this would mean a big deal, but I really appreciated it -- its just someone being accepting and professionally sensitive.
Boy.. okay what else is there ineresting to say. I did something strange and painful to my back yesterday, still haven't figured it out -- probally because I slipped and fell on the way to class yesterday. Shawn made a point of taking care of my yesterday -- he is soo sweet. I honestly would've done what he did for me, but I don't expect it from other people in return -- I guess its just a continuing thread of me expecting more from myself than from others...
Lambda seems to be off to a reasonable start, nothing amazing yet.
Classes are going well, and besides that everything is fine.
January 08, 2003
I'm Getting What I've Wanted
okay this is my first voice memo eJournal entry uhhh so I dont know how long it can be ... but ... oh lets see tell myself I just got myself a smoothie my next ones free whoo hoo! ummm I don't I find myself in a weird spot with Shawn enjoying like everything about it but so like searching for things that are wrong and not wanting to find any of them and haven't so i guess thats not a problem... I don't know why its sort of strange but ... humph... i dont know sort of confusing I'm wanting to find something wrong but I can't. I don't know why I wanna find something wrong umm sort of confusing I don't know. Umm ... its all new territory for me so ... it sort of freaks me out but its obviously cool ... Ummm humph ... Lambda Union had a good meeting Molly is finally resigned... Thank God... I feel so annoyed that I had to do that and frustrated that I had to do that but hummm... someone else nominated me for president so I don't have to self nominate which is really cool and I've had a bunch at least a few people say "I don't want Jermey to be president umm I think you'd make a better president." so thats really cool ummm humph ... nothing else i think thats about it soo ... uhh i guess thats the end of the voice memo and I'll type this up later.
A Note: Like the message says this was a voice memo on my cell phone which I typed later. I have included all those strange speech fillers, to be true to what I said. I obtained this wonderful skill working as a Communications Assistant at CSD of Ohio Relay. In addition to clarify, Molly was the President of Lambda Union, I'm the secretary. We had to ask her to resign, because she wasn't doing the job.
January 09, 2003
Marcus: A year, a week, a Day later
Marcus is someone who is special to me for a strange reason, that I'm not quite sure why. I met him at the 2001/2002 New Year Party. He was a friend of Amanda Bennett's from Cincinnati. I felt a strange connection with him, but I never called him back.
I found myself talking a descent amount about him on the first date with Shawn, and when I got to work on Jan 1 I had a few minutes and I wrote him a letter. I've deliberated a week on what to do with this letter. I have decided to set this letter free from myself, out into internet space.
In addition I've decided to compost the actual letter and grow a plant or flower out of it. (along with some other items to be composted.) Its symbolic. I need to put this behind me, and move on from it.
Oh FYI: Marcus, was killed in a car accident, I never saw him again.
The Letter:
I hope in some way in spirit or energy you can see this letter.
It has been almost exactly a year till since that time we parted in the parking lot of Wendy's
I'm sorry I never ch called you back and could make the last months of your all too short life memorable. You left a deep impression to on me. I will never once again forget to cherish the time with those around me who love me.
Your memory has driven me to leave nothing unturned, to explore and follow every avenue. The memory of how wonderful you were with me has sent me to Cincinati, and Memphis. And compelled me to spend hours wandering campus enjoying nothing but companionship.
I am eternally grateful for what you have given me and eternally pained for what I ignored and left.
You have taugh given me the gift of realizing how eternally precious each moment that we share with those around us who care about us.
With my deepest love and painful regret,
Nick
BIO106 Lab thoughts
I made it to my last "first class" today. My BIO106 lab. I'm actually enjoying it, despite my earlier prognostications of gloom and boredom. Of course I'm not enjoying it for just the class, but instead for the fact I get to do philosophy in it. Specifically in the Nova video we watched about ants, the PhD Dr. Wilson presented his opinions/value judgment as fact.
What my issue with the video was is that Dr. Wilson stated some things that are fundamentally value judgments without them being identified as such. Its strange, but a year ago, I never would have made that determination. I think I owe alot to Dr. Irvine in expanding my horizons and philosophical acumen over the past year.
I actually spent a few minutes talking with the TA about concerns, and she was happy that I was thinking about more than just "Dr. Wilson is ant obsessed" (he is.) But she also said that he's very on the mark, with his theories that ants are wholly altrustic, and selfless. I agree it does appear this way, but we don't have the same perspective, ants may instead all be working for their own survival. Its worth some more investigation.
My Night: End of a Job (with thoughts on parenthood added in)
Tonight I picked Jenni up at Barnes and Nobles after work. She was almost in tears. Without going into all the details she ended up terminating her employment at Circuit City. This is no small matter; she has worked for Circuit City for four and a half years.
Interestingly enough I expected her eventually to resign, just not in this way. Jenni has been struggling with balancing motherhood, work, and family; she has been feeling she hasn't been paying enough attention to William.
What I find so interestring in this society is how much we don't value parenthood. I feel that parenting is the ultimate gift that you can give, it is something that you never will be, and never should expect to be fully repaid for, giving the gift in and of itself is reward enough.
I guess the best example I can give of this, is when I'm holding, or burping, or playing with William, often it is alot of effort and sometimes results in my clothing being puked upon or salivated upon to no end. But these are so inconsequential to me, I derive an immense amount of joy from being with William, despite the fact that he drains my energy when I'm with him, and he requires all of my attention.
When I talked with my mom on Sunday one of the things that she said that I agreed with, is that the home and children need a parent to take care of them. The more and more time I spend with Jenni and William the more I realize that taking care of children is a full time job, and really does deserve the same respect as any other full time job.
I would have to say that perhaps because our society is so focused on what dollar value we can derive from something. Perhaps this is really a failure in economics being taught correctly. We've not as a society been taught to identify and attempt to quantify all costs and opportunity-costs associated with a choice; I believe too often people look at the monetary cost, and don't fully examine the emotional, relationship, psychological, and personal costs involved with a choice.
For better or worse, I am beginning to think I agree more and more with Dr. Irvine's thesis in Doing Right by Children, of which a core piece is that we are living above any standards that we have previously lived at as a society, but we are placing our children at a status below where they existed during the "golden age of childhood" in the 1950s.
I guess it is easy for me to say this as a non-parent, its always easiest to throw stones in a glass house if you live in a concrete bunker. The one thing is that I've really started critiquing parents, and noticing people who are doing a very good job vs. those who should have children services called on them.
I could keep going on I think, but at some point in my life I wish to have my own kids, but just want to wait for the right time in my life to adopt a child.
January 15, 2003
I get behind...
I'm lounging in the Lambda Union Office, and I can't find something to do, so this is a good thing. I've been looking at Shawn's and my eJournal and expecting a new entry. So, I feel a need to do a huge wrap up entry, but I'm not going to.
Shawn and I spent most of the weekend together, it was lots of fun! ;-) Boy, he is Beautiful!
I just had dinner with Jenni and William last night. William looks like he's really happy that Jenni is home with him more. I still find it amazing that William is growing up soo fast! Next thing I know he's going to be asking for dating advice or something.
Tommy (Molly's girlfriend) just gave her commentary on what she thought about Molly's resignation/impeachment threat, and I'm still annoyed that they don't see that having Molly removed as president is something that we (eBoard) did we did for the good of the organization, it wasn't something that we did to be spiteful to Molly.
I still have doubts about the Lambda Union elections tonight. and my speech is still unrehearsed, so...
I just feel as if I need this position, and its the best thing for me and the organization, but the members will decide tonight.
In other randomness, I determined that in 2004 Jenni will have known me half of her life, and I will have known her half of my life in 2005. And neither of us will know each other for more than 91% of our lives. Take a look at the Extended Entry to see all the gritty details of the Excel spreadsheet.
Time to go work on the speech more!
| Jenni's Age | My Age | Num yrs known | % my life I've known Jenni | % of Jenni's life she's known me | Year |
| 12 | 13 | 1 | 7.69% | 8.33% | 1994 |
| 13 | 14 | 2 | 14.29% | 15.38% | 1995 |
| 14 | 15 | 3 | 20.00% | 21.43% | 1996 |
| 15 | 16 | 4 | 25.00% | 26.67% | 1997 |
| 16 | 17 | 5 | 29.41% | 31.25% | 1998 |
| 17 | 18 | 6 | 33.33% | 35.29% | 1999 |
| 18 | 19 | 7 | 36.84% | 38.89% | 2000 |
| 19 | 20 | 8 | 40.00% | 42.11% | 2001 |
| 20 | 21 | 9 | 42.86% | 45.00% | 2002 |
| 21 | 22 | 10 | 45.45% | 47.62% | 2003 |
| 22 | 23 | 11 | 47.83% | 50.00% | 2004 |
| 23 | 24 | 12 | 50.00% | 52.17% | 2005 |
| 24 | 25 | 13 | 52.00% | 54.17% | 2006 |
| 25 | 26 | 14 | 53.85% | 56.00% | 2007 |
| 26 | 27 | 15 | 55.56% | 57.69% | 2008 |
| 27 | 28 | 16 | 57.14% | 59.26% | 2009 |
| 28 | 29 | 17 | 58.62% | 60.71% | 2010 |
| 29 | 30 | 18 | 60.00% | 62.07% | 2011 |
| 30 | 31 | 19 | 61.29% | 63.33% | 2012 |
| 31 | 32 | 20 | 62.50% | 64.52% | 2013 |
| 32 | 33 | 21 | 63.64% | 65.63% | 2014 |
| 33 | 34 | 22 | 64.71% | 66.67% | 2015 |
| 34 | 35 | 23 | 65.71% | 67.65% | 2016 |
| 35 | 36 | 24 | 66.67% | 68.57% | 2017 |
| 36 | 37 | 25 | 67.57% | 69.44% | 2018 |
| 37 | 38 | 26 | 68.42% | 70.27% | 2019 |
| 38 | 39 | 27 | 69.23% | 71.05% | 2020 |
| 39 | 40 | 28 | 70.00% | 71.79% | 2021 |
| 40 | 41 | 29 | 70.73% | 72.50% | 2022 |
| 41 | 42 | 30 | 71.43% | 73.17% | 2023 |
| 42 | 43 | 31 | 72.09% | 73.81% | 2024 |
| 43 | 44 | 32 | 72.73% | 74.42% | 2025 |
| 44 | 45 | 33 | 73.33% | 75.00% | 2026 |
| 45 | 46 | 34 | 73.91% | 75.56% | 2027 |
| 46 | 47 | 35 | 74.47% | 76.09% | 2028 |
| 47 | 48 | 36 | 75.00% | 76.60% | 2029 |
| 48 | 49 | 37 | 75.51% | 77.08% | 2030 |
| 49 | 50 | 38 | 76.00% | 77.55% | 2031 |
| 50 | 51 | 39 | 76.47% | 78.00% | 2032 |
| 51 | 52 | 40 | 76.92% | 78.43% | 2033 |
| 52 | 53 | 41 | 77.36% | 78.85% | 2034 |
| 53 | 54 | 42 | 77.78% | 79.25% | 2035 |
| 54 | 55 | 43 | 78.18% | 79.63% | 2036 |
| 55 | 56 | 44 | 78.57% | 80.00% | 2037 |
| 56 | 57 | 45 | 78.95% | 80.36% | 2038 |
| 57 | 58 | 46 | 79.31% | 80.70% | 2039 |
| 58 | 59 | 47 | 79.66% | 81.03% | 2040 |
| 59 | 60 | 48 | 80.00% | 81.36% | 2041 |
| 60 | 61 | 49 | 80.33% | 81.67% | 2042 |
| 61 | 62 | 50 | 80.65% | 81.97% | 2043 |
| 62 | 63 | 51 | 80.95% | 82.26% | 2044 |
| 63 | 64 | 52 | 81.25% | 82.54% | 2045 |
| 64 | 65 | 53 | 81.54% | 82.81% | 2046 |
| 65 | 66 | 54 | 81.82% | 83.08% | 2047 |
| 66 | 67 | 55 | 82.09% | 83.33% | 2048 |
| 67 | 68 | 56 | 82.35% | 83.58% | 2049 |
| 68 | 69 | 57 | 82.61% | 83.82% | 2050 |
| 69 | 70 | 58 | 82.86% | 84.06% | 2051 |
| 70 | 71 | 59 | 83.10% | 84.29% | 2052 |
| 71 | 72 | 60 | 83.33% | 84.51% | 2053 |
| 72 | 73 | 61 | 83.56% | 84.72% | 2054 |
| 73 | 74 | 62 | 83.78% | 84.93% | 2055 |
| 74 | 75 | 63 | 84.00% | 85.14% | 2056 |
| 75 | 76 | 64 | 84.21% | 85.33% | 2057 |
| 76 | 77 | 65 | 84.42% | 85.53% | 2058 |
| 77 | 78 | 66 | 84.62% | 85.71% | 2059 |
| 78 | 79 | 67 | 84.81% | 85.90% | 2060 |
| 79 | 80 | 68 | 85.00% | 86.08% | 2061 |
| 80 | 81 | 69 | 85.19% | 86.25% | 2062 |
| 81 | 82 | 70 | 85.37% | 86.42% | 2063 |
| 82 | 83 | 71 | 85.54% | 86.59% | 2064 |
| 83 | 84 | 72 | 85.71% | 86.75% | 2065 |
| 84 | 85 | 73 | 85.88% | 86.90% | 2066 |
| 85 | 86 | 74 | 86.05% | 87.06% | 2067 |
| 86 | 87 | 75 | 86.21% | 87.21% | 2068 |
| 87 | 88 | 76 | 86.36% | 87.36% | 2069 |
| 88 | 89 | 77 | 86.52% | 87.50% | 2070 |
| 89 | 90 | 78 | 86.67% | 87.64% | 2071 |
| 90 | 91 | 79 | 86.81% | 87.78% | 2072 |
| 91 | 92 | 80 | 86.96% | 87.91% | 2073 |
| 92 | 93 | 81 | 87.10% | 88.04% | 2074 |
| 93 | 94 | 82 | 87.23% | 88.17% | 2075 |
| 94 | 95 | 83 | 87.37% | 88.30% | 2076 |
| 95 | 96 | 84 | 87.50% | 88.42% | 2077 |
| 96 | 97 | 85 | 87.63% | 88.54% | 2078 |
| 97 | 98 | 86 | 87.76% | 88.66% | 2079 |
| 98 | 99 | 87 | 87.88% | 88.78% | 2080 |
| 99 | 100 | 88 | 88.00% | 88.89% | 2081 |
| 100 | 101 | 89 | 88.12% | 89.00% | 2082 |
| 101 | 102 | 90 | 88.24% | 89.11% | 2083 |
| 102 | 103 | 91 | 88.35% | 89.22% | 2084 |
| 103 | 104 | 92 | 88.46% | 89.32% | 2085 |
| 104 | 105 | 93 | 88.57% | 89.42% | 2086 |
| 105 | 106 | 94 | 88.68% | 89.52% | 2087 |
| 106 | 107 | 95 | 88.79% | 89.62% | 2088 |
| 107 | 108 | 96 | 88.89% | 89.72% | 2089 |
| 108 | 109 | 97 | 88.99% | 89.81% | 2090 |
| 109 | 110 | 98 | 89.09% | 89.91% | 2091 |
| 110 | 111 | 99 | 89.19% | 90.00% | 2092 |
| 111 | 112 | 100 | 89.29% | 90.09% | 2093 |
| 112 | 113 | 101 | 89.38% | 90.18% | 2094 |
| 113 | 114 | 102 | 89.47% | 90.27% | 2095 |
| 114 | 115 | 103 | 89.57% | 90.35% | 2096 |
| 115 | 116 | 104 | 89.66% | 90.43% | 2097 |
| 116 | 117 | 105 | 89.74% | 90.52% | 2098 |
| 117 | 118 | 106 | 89.83% | 90.60% | 2099 |
| 118 | 119 | 107 | 89.92% | 90.68% | 2100 |
| 119 | 120 | 108 | 90.00% | 90.76% | 2101 |
| 120 | 121 | 109 | 90.08% | 90.83% | 2102 |
Presidential Analysis
okay this uhh another eJournal entry on the voice cell phone thingy... ummm I'm sitting here rehearsing my speech for Lambda Union tonight upstairs (unintelligable) umm I never realized how much I really wanted this position umm... I'm up against Tony Black, Germaine, and Jeremy. Ummm ... Tony you bless the kid he's got a great heart but he doesn't realize what he's getting himself into... ummm he just should run for secretary or an appointed position ... ummm Germaine ... I don't know why I don't feel Germaine [should be President] maybe I've got some ableism going in but I don't know why I don't feel Germaine should be President ... umm shes a great gal and all but some reason I just can't seem to accept myself umm seeing her as President of Lambda Union... I don't know if thats ableism or I just don't see her as the right person. Ummm Jeremy oh god ummm ... what a drama queen ummm ... (exhale) I don't know I'm just fustrated with Jeremy and he can go off he doesn't seem to do much work it me it seems like the Vice-President never does work... Josh never did work last year Jermey never does work. Most of the time he's in the office he's either on IM or he's playing cards there on the computer ehh... I mean you know stuff you know I'm just trying to eat and I'm not doing a very good job on it but ummm I just really want this position and I wantta get out of the way I just wanna I don't know why I want this position its just strange. mmm gotta get back to eating so thats the end of the journal ....
Lost
Well thats it. I'm out of eBoard.. The new eBoard lineup as of today:
Jermey Wright, President
Allie Lane, Vice President
Duncan Hines, Treasurer
CeCe Houser, Secretary
Tom Lewis, Office Manager
Note that my name isn't in it? Fuck. Its amazing how much of my identity is tied in with Lambda Union. And how much I fucking hate Jermey and his fucking smug attitude and his willingness to sleep with just about anyone who will do it. And the fact that he took advantage of [name deleted 3/30/03]. God don't these people ever realize what type of fucked up crappy leaders they've elected to these posts?
I don't know what I want to do with Lambda Union. I really don't fucking know. The historian, Safe Space Coordinator, and Panels Director positions are open, and I'm still the webmaster. I really don't want to be the Lambda Union webmaster. Its turned into a bitch position.. no dreaming no real space to grow in it. Theres no leadership in it.
God I'm just so lost right now. Its amazing how much I put on getting that position.
Jenni and I are going out for coffee tonight to discuss... so...
January 16, 2003
Slightly Calmer
Well, I've calmed down a bit and put things in perspective. Talking with Jenni and holding Will seemed to help, why I don't know but, I tend not to argue with things that seem to work.
I'm still convinced Jeremy is a bad idea, but my involvement in Lambda Union revolves around working with him more than anything else. Essentially I'm not sure I want to work with him or not.
Didn't get any homework done tonight, but oh well, things could be worse.
The Nightquil is kicking in, so nighty night all!
Dirty Underhandedness
I had a conversation with a "birdie" this morning about last night:
Birdie:i think it was sneaky how jeremy brought people
Nicholas Barnard: he did?
Birdie:: uh-huh
Nicholas Barnard: I joked around about it... but not really
Birdie: didnt you notice the big group of girls
Nicholas Barnard: hmm... true.. but not everyone was voting...
Birdie: yeah they were
Birdie: /did
Nicholas Barnard: I should've known something was up when there was an email from casey wanting to vote for jermey
In addition I only lost by two votes. So I guess the thing is that I have the satisfaction of knowing, that I won, and Jermey just tilted the dang thing. Thats his conscience, and I hope he's a christian so he can burn in hell for being so deceitful.
January 17, 2003
Attempting not to burn the house down
Vegetable Oil Fires are fun! ... Hehe.. not really, but a was sautéing portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight with Shawn and a bit of the oil went over the side to the burner and caught fire.... ehh.. shit happens.
The menu for tonight:
Vegetarian Lasagna - with Portabella Mushrooms, Spinach, cheese and all that good stuff...
Salad - Still haven't figured whats going into it.
Hot Rolls - Kroger brand, I wouldn't trust myself baking them yet..
Juice - Drinkage... probably would be cool to have some vino, but ehh oh well.
And as always this dinner is a community effort... thanks to Veronica Warner (for the recipe and idea), Dad (for taking me shopping), Lauren (Portabella advice), Señora Kay (General advice), Ali, Tim, and Toyna. If I missed you I'm sorry.... let me know and I'll edit you in later.. ;-)
January 19, 2003
Repeating...
I'm sort of rewriting an entry because EspressoBlog crashed and lost it.. I already sent an email to the developer and got him what he needed to debug the problem.
I'm at work right now... a bit early because the car is broken down, and my dad had to drop me early.
As far as Lambda Union goes, I've figured out a few things:
1. Jeremy Wright is an asshole, and a poor leader. (Not new news)
2. I care and am invested in the organization too much just to get up and walk away, which means I'm going to have to learn to work with Jermey Wright. As much as he is the President, we're equals, I've been involved in the organization longer than he has, and I've had a position within the organization longer than he has, so the fact that he is the President is just a fluke of nature.
3. I need to limit my areas of involvement. I'm not going to be able to affect the whole organization in the position that I am in, so I better must make the areas that I'm involved in really damn awesome, and have fun. Already I've got a bunch of new ideas to reinvigorate the website and get things going, so it should be cool.
I think the thing that I'm looking forward to is less bullshit. Its gonna be great not to have to deal with minutes and attendance and typing all that up, and getting it on the website... But I gotta get rolling toward the floor at work..
January 20, 2003
Homework... ;-)
Its amazing how well my and other people's (Shawn specifically) skills at procrastinating are honed... I'm at his house and we're supposed to be doing "Homework". But we've both wasted an hour or so browsing the net and reading news individually.
But watching Shawn wrestle with the cat on the desk had been ... well ... cute. I miss having cats around, and well Boots C. He was such a dignified and distinguished, but genuine cat.
Well... Time to get onto reading plays...
January 21, 2003
I hate... errr love politics
I spent another great day with Shawn. He came and picked me up from work last night and drove me to his house (an hour a away) I stayed over. Then, I spent the day there and caught up on the news and my homework. After that he took me out to dinner at Don Pablos and drove me back to Dayton for work. Four hours of driving for me! He is soo sweet and kind. I mean I guess I did drive all the way to Memphis to visit Tommy, but this just seems so kind. Things are still looking on the up and up with me and him.
In other news, Why doesn't everyone in the world think like me? (well it would make the world boring, but probably less stressful.) I just read the wonderful article from the BBC about Bush's MLK Jr. Day Speech and of course he's promotion tolerance and civil liberties in front of a Christian cross. What is the President doing making a national speech in a Church? Seriously, I know its a bit of a long shot, but I'm paying him, he should not be conducting the nations business in a house of worship. If he wants to attend church he can do it on his own time, get his ass in the pew.
Maybe I just get pissy because I'm an agnostic and I feel like Bush is pushing religion (to be more specific Christianity) as something to hold the nation together. PLEASE! Religion is the one place in this country where we are the most divided. Go to a church, it will most likely be homogenous -- its been researched and people worship with people who are just like them.
I also thought it was funny that MLK Jr's widow is preaching peace: "We commemorate Martin Luther King as a great champion of peace, who warned us that war is a poor chisel for carving out peaceful tomorrows," Corretta Scott King said, she added "May his challenge and his example guide and inspire us to seek peaceful alternatives to a war with Iraq"
It would be interesting to do something drastic if we do go to war with Iraq, like denounce my citizenship. As strange as it may seem, its the best I can do to separate myself from a government and a nation that seems generally bent on violence. But then again, I'd also be losing my right to elect my leaders, but not that my votes ever count. (yes, I know its a common refrain, but I'm a liberal libertarian in a conservative area of the country, we're really outvoted as far as things usually go...)
Hmm... time to get some signs made to copy tomorrow to catch myself a roommate, and I should get to sleep, even thought I have 10 hours until class...
Love
I just spent an hour talking with a dear friend of mine, who shall remain nameless. He is someone who has been around at WSU for quite a while, starting out here as a student, and now working here.
He is someone who deeply believes in true romantic love that will last between two men for an incredible period of time.
He doesn't date anymore.
This has always been a very mysterious thing to me. He is a wonderfully adjusted person, professional, and has a great personality.
I asked him why he didn't date anymore, and he laid bare a part of his soul to me. It was an amazing gesture to me and something that I am extremely grateful for him having done.
He told me about a short but wonderful relationship he had with someone who then had to move away. He loved him enough that it hurt him, but not enough to ask him to stay.
He cried for two weeks after that.
He's tried dating after that , but he doesn't anymore.
Love is an amazingly powerful thing.
He is now committed, or content with being alone, and single. He no longer sees himself within the next 1, 5, or 10 years falling in love with a man who loves and cares for him with every fiber of his being.
His favorite poem (from his website) is:If I can stop one heart from breaking I shall not live in vain If I can ease one life the aching Or cool one pain Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again I shall not live in vain by Emily Dickinson
I was about ready to cry then, and I'm about ready to cry now. I'm not someone who cries often in response to stories, but this is the simplest told story that has brought me to tears.
I'm stuck contrasting this with Shawn's and my relationship. And questioning exactly why he won't let me say that I love him. Strangely enough it took Jenni and I nine year to get to the point of saying "I love you". Both relationships feel the same, just Shawn and I lack shared experiences to reminice about, but I feel the same for Shawn as I do for Jenni.
I know I will fustrate Shawn by saying this, and that a relationship that is only three weeks old should not evoke this level of committment and emotion from me, but I do love Shawn, and even when we must part (as we will be forced to either by choice, or by death) that I will still love him, and cherish the time that I have been allowed to have with him.
The word love sounds petty and taudry, and I know that at times it is fleeting.
What a crazy concept this love thing is. It is so deeply personal, and customized, that it only has meaning between two people who have discussed, philosophized and dreamed about what it means. I honestly am not sure what it means between me and Shawn, but I know what it means between me and Jenni, and me and my family.
My friend and I also talked about men who seek sex in the bathroom and random encounters. As someone who has experienced random loveless sex, and sex filled with love the two are incompariable. You cannot satisfy the need for the latter by doing the former. And damn society and those who have blocked, have attempted to block, and will continue to attempt to block gay men seeking the latter, but then critize us when they unfortunatly have to engage in the former.
I feel robbed and screwed and otherwise violated by society that I had to go through the former in search of the latter. Sex never should happen without love, there is no point in it. I never want anyone else to have to go through the need to reafffirm that they are normal and natural that I and millions of other gay people have had to do. This is why I am involved with Lambda, as much as its fun to piss of the conservatives, and do everything else with Lambda, I never want another gay teenager to have to be told that they are normal, and natural. I want that to be a non-issue, so they are free to date, seek love, and go to the prom with the man of their teenage dreams.
This all feels so weighty and forceful brought on by my conversation with my friend, but I feel justified in saying this. I think much of what I've said is a philosophy that I've really developed over the past several years.
Got your take? Leave me a comment.....
Disclaimer
Its sad that I feel a need to put this in my eJournal, but some people can get temperamental. So here it is:
Everything that is said in here, are my thoughts (except where noted) and is copyrighted by me, don't steal it, ask me please! Please be aware that I get philosophical, whimsical, pissy, or sometimes even downright rude in here. These are my opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Oh and I feel justified in calling myself philosophical.. A professor answered the question "Am I any good at this Philosophy stuff?" by saying
"Are you good enough to do philosophy? Well, yes, you have the two most important characteristics, intelligence and a capacity for independent thought. You are remarkably open minded, for someone in your generation. You are willing to reflect on your own views and are open to the possibility that they might be wrong. You are a searcher. These are rare characteristics, and you have them. You are already doing philosophy. It is up to you to determine how far you want to take your investigations."
I'm not sure what this is going to turn into (planning what a journal is going to be is like attempting to decide what a kid is going to grow up to be when he is conceived, its just a futile effort with lots of dreaming, and not much realization.) but under any circumstances, if you show up in here, be honored either way, I care enough about you to be thinking deeply about you.
Love thoughts
Tommy just sent me this email today... its seemed appropriate:
Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two . Some people should read more carefully than others!!
- I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
- No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
- Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
- A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
- The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
- Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
- To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
- Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
- Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
- Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
- There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
- Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
- Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
January 22, 2003
The Language Sucks, err stinks
One of the thing you find out when you attempt to write anything with precision, is that the English language is amazingly limited and imprecise when attempting to describe feelings, among other things. For the record Greek has three words for love they are:
- Agape - to love others in a social or moral sense: This is an act of the will, an active choice--the highest form of love meaning that it is unconditional
- Philos - a brotherly love: Affection, emotionally based
- Eros - Sexual love--from which comes the word erotic
Still seems to be incredibly limiting. Thus this is what poetry is for... too bad I don't seem to enjoy writing it.
In other language considerations, an observation I've made is how negative words in the language (sucks, fucked, dicked, screwed, asshole, "remove the stick up your ass", etc) have sexual connotations, and even more specifically have positive connotations for gay men.
Of course, there is the connotations of "straight" meaning directly forward, correct, or error free. Of course this implicitly states that by not being heterosexual, you are backward, incorrect, and full of errors. Yea! Isn't language fun? Its amazing how its so implicitly used to oppress people, and this is just a small beginning I guess.
But its time to get naked and get a shower and get to class..
Half a second makes a difference
I spent an hour with Kevin today in the editing room with sadboy ohio, the film that I worked on with him at the beginning of August. It rough and very good now, with the polishings it should be awesome.
One of my notes to him was to add half a second to a scene, which through the magic of the AVID digital editing system he was able to do with no trouble, and it was much better for it.
It made me wonder how half second timing in our daily lives would make a difference. I'm sitting in the Hangar, one of WSU's wonderful (yeah right) eating facilities, where a little over a year ago, I was in a hurry and kicked out the glass in the door. It was spectacular! I didn't have any responsibility because the cleaning lady handed me a story that absolved me of guilt, and she saw what happened better than me.... But right there a half a second would've spared me the embarrassment and the shower of shattered glass.
For better or worse I'm thinking of Run Lola Run a really cool german film. But we get three different versions of how everything plays out. Makes you wonder how the different choices you make in life affect things. Another good piece of art in that espouses how our choices and timing can effect things is Star Trek: The Next Generation "Parallels" where Worf bounces around different parallel universes and things are a bit different.
Ehh, so choices are important, and we never will know what could be, except in our imagination.
Time to go take a marketing test.. yeah!
January 24, 2003
Song of the Day
Copying Jordan a bit..
The song of the day is
Billy Joel's And So It Goes
Sometimes philosophy stinks
I've been studying Stocism in my philosophy of desire course. Its easy to say but hard to apply. This week has been rough and tumble, classes haven't been good, car needs $2,500 worth of repairs, I'm no longer wanted in Lambda Union by the President, and Shawn and I are "just friends".
But I'm here and living through it, thanks to anti-depressants and Kevin.
Good things: less responsibilty, less stress, and a whole lotta Nick time.
I went to work today to do something, too bad I don't have a job that is more engaging, I've had too much time to think.
January 25, 2003
Taxes Done
I just like to flaunt it, but I just filed my taxes.. The earliest I've done it ever... Whoo hoo! Okay so much for small victories... but it did it for free online at TurboTax Tax Freedom Project but its all good.. Albeit I'm not getting enough money back... Donations accepted via PayPal, or if its large enough I'll take a check... ;-)
January 26, 2003
A Glass...
Stoicism... Just got off the phone talking with Shawn ... and I need to move on ... mmm .. he started moving on ... and we've had a wonderful three weeks together ... its such a great gift just thinking about ummm those three weeks were or four weeks however long I'll count them out at some point ... uhh ... its amazing when I think about them how great I feel ... and how wonderful it is just to be able to put myself back in that state ... (exhale) the euphoria the fun of that ... (exhale) always easier to ... usually its easier to look at the glass being half empty but the thing is right now I'm really looking and the glass is really half full ... its more than half full ... its all the way full ... (exhale) ... I just hope that uhh ... I get to experience what I experienced with Shawn again and ... Shawn gets to experience what I felt again ...
(My mobile phone ran out of memory, so it just stopped recording... but I was about done anyway)
January 27, 2003
Resignation
I just finished writing my resignation letter for Lambda Union. It stinks a big heaping pile of cow shit that I felt I had no other healthy option but to do this. It needs some revision, but its getting near walking the fine line that it needs to walk.
I don't know what I'm going to do now. I feel like starting another organization, but that is so much work, and it would look like I'm competing with Lambda on any count.
I feel a big empty rock somewhere inside of me. there is still much to get the ends wrapped up, but its done.. pretty much done.
Greedy SOBs
I just read 7 Families Sue Administrator of 9/11 Fund in the New York Times. I find it amazing the amount of greed/desire that people have for something that in realize is a gift. I find it amazing that just because their spouses were killed by a terrorist attack (vs. say a murder) that these people feel they have a right to something that is not theirs, and are demanding more of it. Honestly, the government owe's these people nothing. They should count their blessings that their spouse did die in the terrorists attacks so they get a shitload of money... Because if they didn't die in the terrorist attacks, they would have been SOL, only gotten the life insurance policy or what savings was there.
Okay I know a strange rant, but eh, its 3 am.
Free money
Just a reminder to everyone to get your free money from the Music companies. They were price fixing or something like that so now we all get a check from them.. but act fast its closing soon!
Visit http://www.musiccdsettlement.com/ to get some cash.
January 28, 2003
Reality TV Crap
Okay, I'm not usually the one to watch anything called "reality tv" I think its all crap, and we just need better written fictional works..
But, I turned on the TV and RealTV was on -- that thing where they get videos from all around and package it all up. This guy was rollerblading behind a car at 60 mph tethered to jumper cables. Some people amaze me. But, it looked pretty cool... Ehh oh well...
January 29, 2003
Philosophy Stinks Part Two
Okay, sometimes I hate the fact that I "do philosophy" because it means I'm stuck thinking about lots of stuff in deep meditation. Or walking around doing stuff. What I really hate though, is when I have multiple things to think about all at the same time..
I will spare you (and myself) the total confusion going on in my head right now. But the (totally unrelated) topics are (in no particular order): Shawn, romance (and its relation to language), promiscuous sex, HIV, politics (and its relation to a random GLBT organization), and other STDs.
Now here is the problem, what I should be thinking about: my philosophy test today, my philosophy paper thats overdue, the theatre rep "extra credit" project that I have to do. Work on my ASL for the quiz that needs done, work on the project for my marketing class... hmmm what else.... lots of stuff..
... but instead I'm stuck in the basement of the library doing philosophy... oh well... I could be stuck in the basement of the library doing research, now that would be terrible! ;-)
Its done.
Lambda Union has consumed my life the past several days. This honestly is usually the case, but it has been all consuming because I've been writing my resignation letter from the Webmaster position.
I finally posted it on the Lambda Union website. All the officers and the advisors will be getting their copies hopefully tomorrow.
I just need to let the letter stand for itself at this point. I should do my best not to be provoked into an argument about what happened, especially in private. If I have an argument I want it to be public with witnesses. I just am so weary of anything in private, bad things happen behind private doors and gossip can be spun however the other person wants.
I'm giving up lots of stuff. But my goal is to focus on myself and my writing, I think thats where my strength lies and what I can do for me.
See the extended entry for the resignation letter itself.
Regretfully, effective Saturday, February 1st, 2003 I must tender my resignation as Lambda Union's Webmaster. In addition, I must withdrawal my application for the Safe Space Coordinator position.
I have made this decision for my own personal reasons, as well as to spare the organization any infighting. I did this after much thought; philosophizing; and discussions with Lambda Union's advisors, several executive board members both past and present, and many members.
I have a dream of Lambda Union working together both as a collection of student professionals and a group of friends; I have worked hard during the last two years to make this dream a reality. I have committed my efforts to Lambda Union at the expense of time with my family and friends, academic work, continued professional development, and financial security.
I can no longer continue to invest myself in the unhealthy and unprofessional environment created by Jeremy Wright, the current president. His tenure in Lambda Union has been extremely uncomfortable for me, due to his poor communication skills, and unprofessional actions.
I have had immense problems with how Mr. Wright has provided criticism and feedback on the Lambda Union website, an area which I have maintained as long as he has been a member of the organization. He has on multiple occasions been unprofessional and communicatively unhealthy; he demonstrated this when he criticized my work in public and at executive board meetings while I was not present.
I brought this to Mr. Wright's attention in a face-to-face meeting around 3:30pm on Thursday, January 24, 2003. He did not deny that he had criticized my work while I was not present. I then asked him to provide in an email by 5pm Friday, January 25, 2003 detailing his criticisms and suggestions for the Lambda Union website.
This email did not arrive.
Mr. Wright has made clear by his rhetoric and lack of a response to my request for an email that he no longer wants me in the organization. Despite this he has never indicated any deficiency or need for improvement in my work when I have spoken with him directly.
Mr. Wright is not the person to lead a group of volunteers. A leader's core values should be openness, positive encouragement, and a proactive stance. None of these are evident in Mr. Wright's actions during the time I have worked with him as both Vice President and Office Manager.
He has argued against open Executive Board meetings, despite a constitutional requirement of a partially open meeting; does not often praise the actions and work of others, and often leaves important tasks to the last moment.
In addition, Lambda Union is in a poor position for the upcoming budget request period as a result of Mr. Wright's negligence. At the December 2002 mid-year training meeting, it was decided that Lambda Union needed to advertise heavily to enhance our visibility. According to the constitution, this is the responsibility of the Vice President, the position Mr. Wright held until recently. No flyers were created, or posted, that provided specific information about Lambda Union's meetings. In addition, he has not asked for assistance with this task.
Finally, he has not provided any information from the NGLTF conference in Oregon, for which Lambda Union incurred a significant expense sending him to gather information for the organization. Unfortunately, sending Mr. Wright to the NGLFT conference, has wound up as essentially as vacation for him with no return to the organization.
I have done my best to provide constructive criticisms directly to Mr. Wright, and have suggested that he take a few classes to improve his interpersonal communication skills. I have never criticized him in front of a group or embarrassed him publicly, as he has done to me.
Many people have discussed possible voting irregularities, which were in part a result of the suspension of the constitution to elect a President more expediently. I will refrain from providing my interpretation of what happened. I have spoke with Mr. Wright and feel that he must bear on his conscience any unethical actions, if any occurred. It is not my place to judge him.
My wish is not to harm Mr. Wright, but to provide all Lambda Union members my inside view, insight, and constructive criticisms so they can make an informed decision, as to their leaders.
It is with a heavy heart and much sorrow that I resign from my first position with Lambda Union. While I have many dreams, for the organization, I cannot make them take flight in such an unhealthy and unproductive environment.
Regretfully,
Nicholas Barnard
January 30, 2003
Okay, maybe its not done.
After lots of lobbying by many of my friends, I edited the Lambda Union website. I've been urged to remove it completely, but I'm not going to, things need to be said publicly.
Politics are quite fun... Lets see how things unravel.
Planning
Okay, I've made a decision to do more writing. And I was just looking at my walls, and I realized I made a point of laying out process in art. I have the preliminary drawings of things along side the finished product. I think I did this to remind myself that you don't get to something great without the backup pieces to it.
I've been attempting to just jump into writing, without the backup pieces to it. I know I know better, and I've already decided to work on my background for the play I'm going to write, but just looking at my wall made me realize the importance of it...
Still not done
What stinks about resigning is not that I've done it, but that I still care.
Mark Reese, the store manager at the McDonald's that I first worked at, identified my level of care and compassion as my biggest weakness. I agree with him but also see it as my biggest strength.
I don't want to care, but its not just a switch that I can turn off. But because the fact that I care, I feel compelled to work with Lambda Union in some way, shape or form.
Or maybe not? I think the thing I need to do is channel my cares about the GLBT community into some different forms and spaces.
Time for some brainstorming...
January 31, 2003
Lambda
There has been drama over my resignation, and how I've done it.
For better or worse I think Lambda Union needs to be beaten down, way down, so people realize what is important, and can get people involved to get the organization rebuilt.
Billy Joel
Its strange, his is the only music I find comfort in. Perhaps, its because he is in some way so deeply feeling an emotional as I am.
Louise: Lullaby
Shawn: And So it Goes
Dreaming
Dreaming is the curse I've been given.
Sort of like cassandra I can dream, but I cannot get anyone to believe in my dreams. Its such a painful position to be in.
If only I could get one of my big dreams, things would be better. Yes I'm stuck with coming up with so many dreams unfulfilled.
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
and then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
It explodes.