February 01, 2003
Chasing Amy
Chasing Amy Probably the best movie I know.
I just rewatched the scene where the title from the movie comes from. Except it doesn't fit me, and I want to graft it onto someone else. I want them full heartily to believe what Silent Bob says.
But just yesterday I pushed him out, I told him that I wouldn't be contacting him anymore. I gave the few printed pictures I had of him to a friend to hold, because I didn't want to see it. I took the link to his blog off my eJournal page.
I talked with Sean last night. and one thing I know that part of my personality requires, demands and needs to have someone who i place at the top above myself, and that he places me at the top above himself. This is so fundamentally a part of myself, that i honestly do not feel whole unless that person is there.
When I'm single I'm half a being, never fully complete. The greeks make the most sense. They believed that people were beings with four hands, four feet, two faces and two of everything, essentially two humans fused into one being, but they pissed off the gods, and were separated, and condemned to search for their other half.
What i think is most painful is not not finding your other half but finding who you think your other half is, and then losing them, because of your stupidity or a misstep.
But I found myself bound by a promise. One I made to someone I've never met that I never will met that I intend to keep. That is to put the interests of the person who I think is my other half above those of my own.
To that person, I will leave you alone because I cannot make that transition towards being friends, but I will be here, willing and wanting to give you all the time in the world until you feel comfortable and I promise not to chase you away, only if you will let me back in, because I don't want to spend every day Chasing Amy.
February 02, 2003
Futile.
Some things are just futile.
Like convincing your ex to give you another try, or just go back and see if we can make it work again. Dammit, he's so set where he is, stuck in his dogma that he wont move and explore and try to make it work, and see where it didn't work.
Fucking men.
"Just Friends" Bullshit
"Just Friends" that is the title of an upcoming movie. Its also an incredibly popular way of ending a relationship.
Why? Well because if it isn't mutual or its shoved down the other persons throat, its a way of sparing the person who had to say "just friends" a lot of guilt and pain because this way they're just "rephrasing" the relationship, and saying "I don't like you enough to call you my boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt you by telling you to get the hell out of my world."
Well, guess what, I think "Just Friends" is fucking cruel. Because it doesn't fully and fairly deal with the other person. It gives them the hope and dreams that "we'll go through 'just friends' for a while and then we'll be back together." Why don't people just really say what they mean. Instead of saying "just friends" say "I don't want to date you, I don't feel that way for you, and if you'd like audition to be one of my friends, and take a big fucking step down on my priority scale, so far down that you'll never see me again."
Bitter? Me? You bet.
Past Away
I hate to say it, but I'm like my mother. If the past isn't just peachy, I want it out of the way. So.. UPS package 1Z 61Y 8A5 37 1000 001 9 is that past that I need to get rid of. Its sitting in a drop box right now, but expect to see it picked up on Monday, and then stay tuned for where it goes...
A Response
In the past few entries I've been referring to someone who I dated.
I have done this person the service of not mentioning his name, but instead only mentioned him by reference to provide way in which to define and latch on my feelings.
He has placed a large commentary in his blog, and I removed the trackback pings, as to afford him his privacy.
In case anyone missed it I've been hurting a whole lot lately, and my life went from peachy keen, to pretty much in shambles, and I've been trying to grasp onto something that I think can be fixed or tried again.
In my direct communication with the aforementioned person, that has been my theme, lets try again, because I wasn't done, and I'm not convinced.
I've done my best to remove the aforementioned person from my life, and place him in the box of January that he exists in, because I cannot deal with letting those feelings rule my life, and I cannot stop them, so they must be boxed and removed.
To that person I have no desire to fight with you or to bitch slap you. I do have a desire to rid myself of my hurtful emotions, and for better or worse, this eJournal is the place.
This is the last time I will say it:
All I want is to try again.
Friends
I've come up with a sure fire way to determine who your friends are:
Piss off a lot of people in a big public way.
Something that doesn't attack them directly, but attacks one thing about something they're associated with.
Unfortunately I've discovered those people who I thought were friends are conditional friends -- i.e. friends when it suits them, but if it doesn't watch them backoff.
Now even if they criticize you but don't back off they're true friends.
I've gotta be more careful who I call a friend.
And to the nameless person mentioned in previous entries, no I didn't write this about you.
February 03, 2003
An apology?
I don't deal well with being assertive.
I usually lapse into being aggressive, which serves me well at times in political arenas, but not well in relationships it appears.
I dunno.
First and foremost, I feel a need to flat out say why I write my eJournal. Its not for you, its not for my mother, its not for my counselor, its not for my close friends, its not for anyone, except for me. Period. This is a selfish endeavor that I use to get out my thoughts and put them out there to be read. I could be perfectly happy just writing this eJournal for myself, without ever having a reader. While I appreciate and carefully read all the comments, they are the icing on the cake.
I don't plan these usually, lots of times I just sit down and type em out. Sometimes I've talked them into my cell phone's memo feature, or I've even got a few that I've hand written to be typed in later. But all in all these are my thoughts at the time I post them. (I do my damnedest to keep the posting date/time when the entry was created.) Like anyone I go through moods, and sometimes when I get angry it gets pushed and slathered on here.
But this is a new and tricky thing for me, and I don't often write these towards other people (there are a few exceptions, but they're obvious) So I may ignite something. If its inflammatory I'll usually leave that person's name out, unless it would otherwise be public.
Okay. So I've spent the last few paragraphs explaining what this thing is.
But I've been tearing someone up, and that isn't right. I would never say these things to the person's face, although I would say them to a friend while I was processing my thoughts.
So to that person, I am sorry, I am hurting deeply, and I'm just lashing out into my journal. I only want the best for you; I mean that with all sincerity, but I also have to do what is best for me, and dwelling on my emotions is not good. I need to get them out, so this is one of many ways in which I do it. Do I want to be friends with you? Yes. I really do, but I need help, and I've felt like I've been cast aside to figure out how to do this myself, and I can't do it on my own. I have no idea where to start.
This as public as I want to be with this. IM, email or call me. Please.
A BTW: Sean mentioned in the Chasing Amy entry, is a Wright State computer science friend of mine.
February 04, 2003
ShuttleEmail
The last email sent to the Earth from the Space Shuttle Columbia by Laurel Clark:I have seen some incredible sights: lightning spreading over the Pacific, the Aurora Australis lighting up the entire visible horizon with the cityglow of Australia below, the crescent moon setting over the limb of the Earth, the vast plains of Africa and the dunes on Cape Horn, rivers breaking through tall mountain passes, the scars of humanity, the continuous line of life extending from North America, through Central America and into South America, a crescent moon setting over the limb of our blue planet.... Whenever I do get to look out, it is glorious. Even the stars have a special brightness. -- Friday, Jan. 31, 2003
I'ven't been struck by the Shuttle disaster as much as I though I would or should be. I've always been interested in aviation and space, so I follow all of these things closely. I do think its horrendous that people did die, but I think that the astronauts knew there was a pretty conceivable risk that they wouldn't be coming home in one piece.
While, my thoughts and feelings go out to the families, I also realize that we've just gotta move on with our lives. The astronauts should be commemorated for giving their lives to science, but also for being such astute and poetic observers of the world in which we live, and the space in which that world exists.
They are people who dared to dream, and devote a significant part of their lives towards making their dreams come true. They are people were daring enough to live their dreams and not follow what was laid out for them.
They are a testament to the human spirit, imagination, and dream.
February 05, 2003
Just Friends Part Two
I've been on the receiving end of the "Just Friends" line recently, and as such i've done a lot of thinking about it.
In and of it self "Just Friends" isn't a bad thing. Its all in the application.
In the simplest terms the person bringing "Just Friends" to the table, has an obligation to respect the other persons investment in the relationship then go about becoming a friend.
The person who is breaking up has the obligation that if they want to be friends to actually go about becoming friends in a timely manner, this can even mean, assisting them with the break up. Making sure they're doing alright, and they're adjusting to single-hood again. I'm not sure what activities would be best but some ideas:
- Phone calls, just say how you're doing etc.
- Go out with a group of friends to reinforce non-dating
- Both go to a public place and check out guys together -- if your really daring, phrase the time as a game of "fuckable" or "not-fuckable" and make sure that your friend doesn't lower their standards too much
- Random time together that is less date like, i.e. shopping, group outings, etc...
Okay, not as many good ideas as I would like, but remember if your the person who is breaking up and you use the "Just Friends" line you've taken on the obligation of transitioning the relationship to being friends. The person who has been broken up with cannot do this transition because it appears as if they are still wanting to date, and they're usually not sure what to do.
And finally, if your the one who broke up and you're not gonna make the commitment to become friends, be honest and just say "I don't want to go out with you anymore, sorry" because this way your not creating any false hopes.
Thats Nick's Dating 101, and everyone should be laughing now because I'm horrible at dating, I'll be the first one to admit it.
Brain Theories on a strange sheet of paper
Its strange what you start thinking about at Denny's at 12:40ish AM on Monday morning....
Specifically this:
This is my explanation of how blind and deaf people interpret the world, and thus why deaf people seem less part of mainstream culture than do blind people. (I do not make these judgments lightly or without experience, I work the the deaf, and I have a good bunch of blind friends.)
Let me attempt to explain this in words.
I'll start with explaining how the brain of person with all senses works in my opinion. The outer shell is visual information, this can be translated into words, or compared with a visual database to get a word out of. Then this is auralized (i.e. converted into audible type thoughts in the head) and then with sounds this goes into the thinking where your thoughts are worked audibly.
Okay a blind person's brain works much the same way, except that tactile information is compared against a tactile database and then a word is gotten, and then auralized.
Okay a deaf persons brain on the other hand, works like a person with all senses, except that nothing is auralized, and thus thinking is carried out more visually.
This is of course an oversimplification of the matter, but because deaf people do not think audibly like much of the population they are further removed from mainstream society, and as such create their own subset societies...
Okay, I didn't write that to annoy any deaf or blind people, but this is my best guess... If you disagree, use the comment link below!
Jumped
I took a leap and withdrew from all but one class this quarter, and all classes next quarter.
It seems and is a bit drastic, but I really feel that its the best solution to the underlying problem.
Specifically I don't fit in here, and well I've been trying to make it work and I feel that I just cant make it happen. But I generalize and evade the issue, so let me get specific...
I moved into Ohio at the cheerful age of twelve, and it took a big nosedive from there.
I spent much of my fifth grade year, expounding on the mantra "I hate Ohio" It was cheerful stuff! Although I did try to do some good and started a newspaper that published one issue.
After that half year of fifth grade at IDA Weller Elementary, I changed schools to The Miami Valley School, an independent private school. I got my high school degree from there. My graduating class was 43 people or so, and it was a real tight knit community, but I had withdrawn from it a bit, and really retreated into several close relationships with friends.
I wasn't the best academically, I just couldn't stay clicked into my studies, and well being in the closet creates untold amounts of stress. But I got descent grades in a rigorous academic program. I applied to Emerson College, Purchase College, Barry University, and NYU.
I got into Purchase and Barry, both colleges that I hadn't visited, so I just had to make a decision based on printed information.
I chose Purchase College, in the liberal arts school, even though I applied to a conservatory, so I was already playing second fiddle to my dreams and what I wanted to do.
Well, to keep this short, Purchase is a underfunded state school, they've got good faculty, but given the cost and what I wanted to be doing they weren't the same. So I left after one semester, and enrolled at my current university, Wright State University. I told myself at the time that I would be only until i figured out what I wanted to do then I'd transfer. Apparently, I have a short memory.
So, fast forward three years or so. I'm still enrolled at WSU. I was not happy with my first major, so I changed to Theatre Studies, which for many students is reject land from a BFA program. I tried not to think of it this way, but there is only so much you can do. I got involved in Lambda Union, and really started doing things with them. Sometime during the last year or so I made the determination that I wouldn't stay at WSU for the theatre department, nor the marketing department (I'm a marketing minor), or the philosophy department (minor again). Although the philosophy department is almost enough to keep me here. What was keeping me here was Lambda Union, and I was doing that because I felt a need to improve the organization and the WSU community, essentially I was being altruistic and putting my needs behind those of the the organization.
Now fast forward again to the past two weeks, I just got ran out of Lambda Union, and well I'ven't seen the point of any of this, because I wasn't doing what I was doing for me, but for others, and my motivation to do that was gone, with it went any motivation to get to class etc, etc..
Because as I see it right now there is no point to go to WSU anymore, its not what I want to do, and I'm not gonna get out of it what I want to get out of it.
In other words, my attempts to make lemonade have failed miserably, despite a few good batches, I can't get a consistent flow of lemonade.
So what do I do from here?
Well I'm gonna take off until Fall 2004 to get my financial situation back in order, and hopefully get into a college that better fits me and get my degree. So I'm gonna start working full time, and probably pick up a second job.
It feels good, although I'm gonna miss this place and the people, but this is for me. period. And that feels good.
February 07, 2003
Why is this so hard?
Okay, the walls in my living room/dining area are bare, thats just how it goes, because I'ven't gotten to it yet.
But I've decided I want a picture of two men on some type of romantic embrace. Like anything I need I turned to the Internet. Boy, all i gotta say is i got a lot of porn, and art porn.
It just really appears what I want is really hard to find/isn't out there. And we wonder why people think of gay people as sexual predators half the time...
February 08, 2003
Not in My Name
I joined one of 40,000 people today, and signed Not in Our Name: A Statement of Conscience Against War and Repression.
While I have written one Letter to the Editor. I have in my rhetoric and discussions with people opposed Bush's plans and handling of the whole situation. He does not represent me, and while I would like to disown this government, I find myself with neither the constitution, nor the lack of hope to denounce my citizenship and leave this country.
While I have considered taking drastic actions to express my views, I also realize that however unfortunate I am an American, and I have contributed to this nation. I must take ownership in it and it's government, even when I disagree with what is being done.
I do not envy those Americans who currently are amassing in the Persian Gulf. I commend them for doing what they feel they need to do to protect our country, and I hope they realize that I'm doing what I think I need to do to protect our country.
On sacrifices and death
The 3,017 people who gave their lives in response to the views they held, should be memorialized and remembered.
The figure that I just stated, includes the hijackers, unlike many others. All of these people died for a political cause, and as unfortunate as it is, political speech must be protected.
As a country we are about to multiply those losses. Thomas Jefferson stated "War is an instrument entirely inefficient toward redressing wrong; and multiplies, instead of indemnifying losses." I don't want to even guess at the multiple that Bush's actions will multiply those 3,017 lives into.
The List
While writing this I've been looking at pictures of the victims and other various ways of looking at the lists of people who died. I wanted to look at a simple list, of just names. Unfortunately one doesn't exist, so I worked one off of the list from the September 11th Victim's site.
My September 11th 2001 Victim list includes the victim's name, age and residence. The list with lines wrapped, 1 inch margins, and 12pt font runs twenty-nine pages. Astonishing considering the little space given to each name. Each page contains about 100 names.
Another good site is CNN.com's September 11: A Memorial. Sixteen people my age died.
What is the only real thing I've learned? Hate is strong and one of the emotions that we must suppress at all costs.
Not in Our Name: A Statement of Conscience Against War and Repression that I signed Today:
Let it not be said that people in the United States did nothing when their government declared a war without limit and instituted stark new measures of repression.
The signers of this statement call on the people of the U.S. to resist the policies and overall political direction that have emerged since September 11, 2001, and which pose grave dangers to the people of the world.
We believe that peoples and nations have the right to determine their own destiny, free from military coercion by great powers. We believe that all persons detained or prosecuted by the United States government should have the same rights of due process. We believe that questioning, criticism, and dissent must be valued and protected. We understand that such rights and values are always contested and must be fought for.
We believe that people of conscience must take responsibility for what their own governments do -- we must first of all oppose the injustice that is done in our own name. Thus we call on all Americans to RESIST the war and repression that has been loosed on the world by the Bush administration. It is unjust, immoral, and illegitimate. We choose to make common cause with the people of the world.
We too watched with shock the horrific events of September 11, 2001. We too mourned the thousands of innocent dead and shook our heads at the terrible scenes of carnage -- even as we recalled similar scenes in Baghdad, Panama City, and, a generation ago, Vietnam. We too joined the anguished questioning of millions of Americans who asked why such a thing could happen.
But the mourning had barely begun, when the highest leaders of the land unleashed a spirit of revenge. They put out a simplistic script of "good vs. evil" that was taken up by a pliant and intimidated media. They told us that asking why these terrible events had happened verged on treason. There was to be no debate. There were by definition no valid political or moral questions. The only possible answer was to be war abroad and repression at home.
In our name, the Bush administration, with near unanimity from Congress, not only attacked Afghanistan but arrogated to itself and its allies the right to rain down military force anywhere and anytime. The brutal repercussions have been felt from the Philippines to Palestine, where Israeli tanks and bulldozers have left a terrible trail of death and destruction. The government now openly prepares to wage all-out war on Iraq -- a country which has no connection to the horror of September 11. What kind of world will this become if the U.S. government has a blank check to drop commandos, assassins, and bombs wherever it wants?
In our name, within the U.S., the government has created two classes of people: those to whom the basic rights of the U.S. legal system are at least promised, and those who now seem to have no rights at all. The government rounded up over 1,000 immigrants and detained them in secret and indefinitely. Hundreds have been deported and hundreds of others still languish today in prison. This smacks of the infamous concentration camps for Japanese-Americans in World War 2. For the first time in decades, immigration procedures single out certain nationalities for unequal treatment.
In our name, the government has brought down a pall of repression over society. The President's spokesperson warns people to "watch what they say" Dissident artists, intellectuals, and professors find their views distorted, attacked, and suppressed. The so-called Patriot Act -- along with a host of similar measures on the state level -- gives police sweeping new powers of search and seizure, supervised if at all by secret proceedings before secret courts.
In our name, the executive has steadily usurped the roles and functions of the other branches of government. Military tribunals with lax rules of evidence and no right to appeal to the regular courts are put in place by executive order. Groups are declared "terrorist" at the stroke of a presidential pen.
We must take the highest officers of the land seriously when they talk of a war that will last a generation and when they speak of a new domestic order. We are confronting a new openly imperial policy towards the world and a domestic policy that manufactures and manipulates fear to curtail rights.
There is a deadly trajectory to the events of the past months that must be seen for what it is and resisted. Too many times in history people have waited until it was too late to resist.
President Bush has declared: "you're either with us or against us" Here is our answer: We refuse to allow you to speak for all the American people. We will not give up our right to question. We will not hand over our consciences in return for a hollow promise of safety. We say NOT IN OUR NAME. We refuse to be party to these wars and we repudiate any inference that they are being waged in our name or for our welfare. We extend a hand to those around the world suffering from these policies; we will show our solidarity in word and deed.
We who sign this statement call on all Americans to join together to rise to this challenge. We applaud and support the questioning and protest now going on, even as we recognize the need for much, much more to actually stop this juggernaut. We draw inspiration from the Israeli reservists who, at great personal risk, declare "there IS a limit" and refuse to serve in the occupation of the West Bank and Gaza.
We also draw on the many examples of resistance and conscience from the past of the United States: from those who fought slavery with rebellions and the underground railroad, to those who defied the Vietnam war by refusing orders, resisting the draft, and standing in solidarity with resisters.
Let us not allow the watching world today to despair of our silence and our failure to act. Instead, let the world hear our pledge: we will resist the machinery of war and repression and rally others to do everything possible to stop it.
February 09, 2003
The Hope Balance
For some reason, I feel qualified and able to give advice. I was talking to a friend of mine, a lesbian freshman here at WSU, and I she was frustrated that she hasn't found a girlfriend candidate. And I commented: "Its a delicate balance, you have to hope but not too much."
Hell, I should attempt to follow my own advice. As much as I know that its very self destructive to start planning my the future with someone I'm dating, its just a matter of when is it safe to stop living in the moment and the now with someone and start dreaming?
I know part of the desire I have for a boyfriend, is that I want the stability. I want to be able to come home, and if I have a shitty day, not have to spend time looking for someone online to chat with and decompress, or journal about it, but just sit down with him and talk it over. And I want to build something with him... well not something, a life. I want to have kids, go on a romantic vacation, and care for him when he's sick. Oh and cuddle...
Hmm... guess its like everything else, I wanna go for the end and getting there is something to be figured out. I know I'll like the journey, but the goal is important, and unfortunately dating isn't something you can map out on a sheet of paper like a programming project, or a paper. Perhaps thats why I have so much trouble, I really wanna skip the beginning and just get to the end.
Okay I've been avoiding writing about this, but it keeps coming up. I miss Shawn. I don't feel a desire to blame him, or defame him, but I just want him in my life. But the question is, do I want him in my life because of the fact that he fulfills my above dream, or do I really want him? I can still honestly say both.
I like him for who he is, not for what he does for me, albeit his mantra "Its all about you."
I just hope lightening strikes twice.
Blue or not blue?
I've wanted blue hair for quite a while, just never had the guts to dye my hair there. I was blue for halloween. But, that was just temporary. I think it looks good... and given that I don't have to worry about impressions for a while I might go for it..
So to blue or not to blue? That is the question.
Comments please!
Alcohol or Coffee?
| Should I juggle lots of things | or | focus on one |
| Shot Glasses | vs | My big goofy mug |
| Alcohol | vs | Coffee... |
Okay... I've been choosing alcohol, and getting the predictable depressy results. I guess the thing is while a lotta of times I have been happy carrying lots of shot glasses, it ultimately doesn't allow me to be happy. Maybe its because when there is a success, it is just a small part of everything, and is balanced by some failures.
Well I guess in some way shot glassing things has been my way of an insurance policy. Insurance doesn't make a lot of sense unless you have the possibility of huge losses. An insurance company the pays for the losses and the successes don't cost them anything. But the successes in my world are balanced out pretty h by the losses. Considering I've gotten pretty well with dealing with big failures, maybe its time that I cancel my insurance policy and get that big goofy mug. That mug might fit me better... I know the Goofy hat fits me well..
February 10, 2003
Wow Moment
[Begin Dork Rant] Okay, its a geek moment but right now I'm having one of those wow moments. Right now I'm printing, syncing my handspring, burning a CD, listening WYSO streaming over the net, chatting with people, and writing an eJournal entry... Dang! One of those wow moments, where I'm just amazed at what computers can do.. its really amazing. [End Dork Rant]
February 11, 2003
Gitty!
Okay, its just about a week after I made the decision to jettison a bunch of my responsibilities, and start focusing on myself and my things.
While overall I feel better I've noticed a few ancillary benefits:- Gitty - My demeanor has been so much better, I've been much more playful, and much more at ease to laugh at lots of things, and even at myself
- Sleep - Getting up is easier, and I'm much more refreshed when I awake
- Awareness - A bit of a strange one, but I'm much more on top of the few things I've got, I'm noticing things about myself and making better observations about the world around me, I guess I'm just taking everything slower.
KISS works I guess. (For those of you lacking the management background KISS=Keep It Simple Stupid)
I've also gotten on some really old projects. Specifically a six or seven year old one to put more content on my website. I made a small step four years ago on my GLBT Theory and Issues section but that was for a class. I'm still working a little by little on this project, and I've also been going about bringing most of the sections of my homepage within the new and current framework. (sigh) Its lots of work, but I think it'll be worth it.
What the hell have I been doing?/Stranded in Dayton
I just looked up the email address of one of my former teachers from Upper School. (yes, thats what Miami Valley calls it) and was looking at the Hyde School's website. At the top they've got their values dropped as marketing points: Courage, Integrity, Leadership, Curiosity, Concern.
Those are things I care about.
In a lot of ways I feel like I'm stuck in a sea of people who don't give a shit about that. Maybe I'm being down on WSU and the Dayton area, but I feel honest in saying that. I've been here half of my life. (A truly depressing statistic (no honestly, I'm not playing for sympathy -- I've been out of place here well as long as I've been here.)) (yes, for those of you who noticed, I'm a programmer, I make sure my parenthesis get closed properly or things just blow up or refuse to compile.)
I feel justified in feeling that I'm in a sea of people who don't give a shit about Courage, Integrity, Leadership, Curiosity, or Concern... I'm probably one of a few people who willingly have admitted to plagiarizing. It was my junior year of Upper School, I will never do it again.
This deserves some explanation... I've never been a good "english" student in class. Literary analysis isn't my strong point, coupled with my strong procrastination skills this made writing english papers incredibly difficult. During my junior year, I found one paper on the net, and purchased another one. (it was seventy-some dollars) I reworked both of these into my style a little bit more, and turned them in as my own.
My teacher graded them but noted on the comments for the trimester that they "may have been plagiarized." I got a laugh out of this. Later that year we had a all day session on cheating, when we watched the movie Eight Men Out and discussed it in groups. I was left with the definite understanding that I had done something wrong. I took a few weeks, and talked about it with my friends. They all felt that I had gotten away with it, so I shouldn't tell on myself.
I don't know what exactly my thoughts were at the time, but I decided that I had to tell my teacher what happened. So I wrote him a letter and dropped it in his mailbox, and didn't hear about it for quite a while.
A month or two later he and I talked in the hall a bit, and he said he got that letter, but he and the principal decided to do nothing about it, because they felt that I had learned a lot. (or something like that, my memory is fading a bit.) I think you've gotta cheat once and either get caught or turn yourself in. I know I never take credit for someone else's work now, even miniscule parts.
But back to being stranded in Dayton... I dunno. Its really sort of depressing. I feel like in some ways I've had half of my life ripped out from me. I never wanted to be here in the first place, I wanted to stay in Binghamton, and because of my dad's work I'm here. GODDAMMIT.
I guess I'm nothing if not persistent, but the more and more I look at it I know I'm not going to be able to make living here be fulfilling for me.
Okay I had an epiphany moment while writing this. I just screamed out Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs! I know sort of a strange thing to just exclaim, but when you have had a teacher that makes it a habit to work "the triangle" into at least one lecture a week you tend to remember it.
I've been pining at the top levels of the triangle for quite a while, meandering around the Love and Esteem parts, and once an a while getting to the Self-Actualization section.
Have I been short circuiting the process? Under the Love Needs section this site says "We need to be needed" In some ways I've been forcing myself to be needed, and getting a similar feeling from it, but its not the same I don't think. I've forced myself into Lambda Union, Directing, and lots of other little things. I've identified a (valid) need and gone out to fill it. This is sort of like what my father admitted to doing at one point when he was young of soaping people's windows, then going and getting paid to clean them. I'm creating (or finding) my own spot to be needed so I can fill it.
Dang. Thats a big idea.
How is filling a natural need different? I'm not quite sure I know, because I'm not sure when I've done it and identified it. All of the examples I can think of are smaller helping people in the hallways find something, or pick something up. Or a better example, is when I was helping Jenni with quitting the job. I was needed then.
Hmm... my paper writing habits are coming back now, I feel a need to put a nice conclusion on this but I can't. So......
February 12, 2003
Journal Splinter
Its time for the journals to split up:
Since I've started this I've been playing the delicate debate of what belongs in here, and what doesn't. I've previously said that I write this for me and me alone, but I'm also conscious of fact that this is public, and that a future employer, a school, parents, or someone might come across this. I've come to the point that I need to set up two other eJournals.
So I'm introducing:- PeJournal - No, its got nothing to do with Physical Education. It stands for Private eJournal.
- WeJournal - I've not developed multiple personalities. This one is Writer's eJournal, its a spot where I can put snippets that I find interesting in it, as well as work out stories and characters
Both of these are private and passworded for different reasons.
PeJournal is private because I don't want everyone knowing about some of my private personal thoughts, but I feel a need to write about them.
WeJournal is private for copyright reasons (I may place copyrighted materials in there that I don't own the copyright for) and commercial reasons, as to not wanting my creative ideas stolen.
If you'd like access to these let me know, by dropping me an email, with a preferred username and password. its more likely that you'll get access to PeJournal than WeJournal.
Its gonna take a few days to start granting access because I need to develop a license or two to ensure that people understand how how they may use the eJournals.
The one exception is if your already bound by confidentiality and I'll see you on Thursday, I've set you up an account. The user id is the user part of your WSU email address (the part before the @ sign) and the password is the state you did your undergrad work in.
Embarassed
Okay, I cry to television and movies every once in a while. Every once in a RARE while. But never to Star Trek until now....
From Star Trek: Voyager "The Disease":
Captain Janeway: You've got 30 seconds before I have Tuvok drag you to sickbay.
Ensign Kim: Captain I am not sick! I didn't disobey orders because I'm under some alien influence, I disobeyed your orders because Tal and I are in love, and its not right for you to keep us apart.
Janeway: You listen to yourself. You don't sound anything like the Harry Kim I know.
Kim: Good I have served this ship for five years and said "yes ma'am" to every one of your orders but not this time.
Janeway: Your willing to risk your rank your career over this?
Kim: Have you ever been in love captain?
Janeway: Your point?
Kim: Did your skin ever flush when you were near another person? Did your stomach ever feel like someone hallowed it out with a knife when you were apart? Did your throat ever swell when you realized it over? Seven of Nine told me Seven of Nine told me loves like a disease, well maybe it is. Pheromones, endorphins, chemicals in our blood, changing our responses, physical discomfort, but anyway you look at its still love.
Janeway: For the sake of argument lets say your right, your feelings for Tal are no different than mine for ... What? the man I was engaged to marry. Well I lost him and your going to lose Tal. You know that. What the Doctor is offering you is a way to ease the pain.
Kim: That man you were going to marry if you could've just taken a hypo-spray to make yourself stop loving him so that it didn't hurt so much when you were away from him would you have done that?
(A disruption takes them away to the bridge.)
I know I wouldn't have taken that hypo-spray.
I've also been reading Shawn's eJournal. Despite the fact that I swore off him or so I thought, I never really stopped reading his eJournal. I'm still stuck hoping. I likely am going to see him this weekend at the 2003 Midwest BLGTA College Conference. I don't want to scare him away. But I just read his entry Life has been odd lately..., and I'm stuck with the impression that I took advantage of someone who was down. I knew from almost the beginning that he had just lost his mother, but he seemed to be dealing with it pretty well, so I didn't give it much thought. I felt that if he wanted to bring it up he would, and I had no right to pry. I'm just not sure if I'm a weed. (Sigh)
I know I wanna make a second try at this, I just do. But is it worth the pain a second time? Plus, it isn't my decision. I know I cannot make this decision, I've decided my half of it, and I'm doing my best to leave the door open if he decides that he wants to be with me.
February 13, 2003
Entry
I feel a need to make an entry but I don't know what to say. So lets restate some basics:
1. I've gotta do things for me.
2. Jenni is awesome.
3. William is a very cute baby.
4. Not sure if I'm over Shawn, but I want him back in my life in some form.
5. George W. Bush is a war monger and an idiot.
6. Losing your wallet sucks.
7. Having a counselor is a good thing, even if you don't know what to say.
8. Procrastination is something that I do a helluva lot of, but should do less of.
9. While nice and dandy writing an eJournal entry instead of working out is still procrastinating on working out.
I need to go work out...
February 14, 2003
Tarot, Canvas, Lemonade
I had my appointment with Jo, my counselor, today. She mentioned something interesting about the Death Tarot Card. I've never been into Tarot. (Not that I've shied away from it, but I've never really been interested in it.)
But now for a quote about the death card:
Dying has a way of making you concentrate on what's important. This card reminds you to cut out the unnecessary. Death can also mean you will experience an inexorable force. Death is inevitable, and sometimes there are events that are inescapable as well. When these moments occur, the best approach is to ride your fate and see where it takes you.
i.e. Hop on the cow ...errr horse and ride away.
Another way of looking at my troubles is that I've come definitely to the conclusion that Dayton isn't the place for me. If I was an overly dramatic queen (okay I have my moments, but not usually) I would be screaming "I CAN'T WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS!" But I'm not literally, but I've realized that I can't. I can't do what I want to do in Dayton. I have a dream and I've attempted to paint it on the canvas but the paints that I have been provided just aren't pliable in the ways I need them to be. So I feel secure in moving on and looking for some other batch of lemons to work with.
College Search
While I'ven't begun it in earnest, I did start my college search today. (sigh) What a pain in the rear this is going to be. Its a big decision and I really need to do my best to make sure this is the right one. Because this will be my fourth college...
So maybe the third time isn't the charm?
Dating
Okay, I've been thinking a lot about dating and I've come up with some ground rules I want to follow:
- Getting overly gitty isn't worth it, don't go too far, and don't not go far enough, it's a tough balance, but talking about kids on the first date is probably a bad idea
- No sleeping over at each others house for at least a month. (If necessary you may sleep in different beds/couches if the weather/lack of sleep demands.)
- If your cell phone dies, take it as a message to stop talking to the person for the evening. (Exception, if you have crappy cell phone battery, you get an extra half hour of plugged in talk time per day.)
- Picking someone up from the airport or stalking them to the airport when you've known them for less than a week is a bad idea.
- If you can't go a week without talking to this person, you're not dating you're infatuated. If this is a necessity in your life try a puppy.
- Kissing. Closed mouth for a month only.
- Showing and telling lots of people about the person your dating right off the bat is a bad idea, because you'll have to endure explaining what happened to the relationship to lots of people.
- When in doubt, a cold shower is the best thing. (A failing hot water heater will help with this.)
- Jacking off is good, use it as a stop-break for yourself when overly horny.
- If during the first month you've spent more time with the person asleep than awake, you are not dating, you're just fuck buddies.
- When in doubt, spend three weeks away from each other, if you still feel the same then you've got something.
- Always be true and honest to the other person, except when you're breaking up. When breaking up follow these points:
- Don't say anything to the person that you haven't felt or thought for at least two days.
- When in doubt write it down, place it under your bed for two days, if when you read it two days later its still valid, send it to him.
- While it might feel good to throw or ship back everything out that is related to him, you'll want it later, its much better to place it in a bag in the back of a closet.
- Give things time, time, time, time, time and more time... The end of the world isn't going to come soon, and if it does... (Well it does, you can't do anything about it.) But back to the point. If its true love you've got the rest of your life together. If its not true love you've stretched out the good times.
- When in doubt attempt to rationalize. Ignore the strong voice in your head stating that love isn't rational. (it isn't, but just ignore it anyways) If you can rationalize how you're feeling, you've got something, if not try harder.
- A suggestion while rationalizing: Cause yourself minor pain, pinch yourself, walk around with out enough clothes on outside during the winter, walk into a wall, etc.. etc... Then ask yourself, would you do that every day one a day for the person, if not your not in love.
- Stop reading stupid advice columns and follow your heart.
- Start reading stupid advice columns and follow your brain.
- When in doubt, do what feels right for the future, but not what feels right for now.
Rapid Fire Reasoning
Okay, someone is gonna ask me the question, you just wrote four, (now this is five) eJournal/PeJournal entries, why not just write one?
Because. They're different subjects, and each should stand on their own. When I write a whopper of an entry, all of the thoughts are interrelated somehow, and I'm trying to work through them....
And for a better explanation: I'm the writer, thats why.
On Writing
The things that I write and speak are large percolating masses of ideas, images, and lines that spin, swirl and ferment in my mind, until they feel an intense need to explode themselves in an uncontrollable urge into electrons, marks on paper, or compression waves in the atmosphere. The things that I write demand that they be written, I do not demand that I write them. (caveat, school papers)
I'm off
I'm gonna start my journey to the Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender and Ally College Conference. Enterprise is grabbing me in about 10 minutes so I'm off!
I'm here!
Okay, I just arrived at the Ohio Union where the confrence is being held. We were a little late so we ended up missing the first speaker and there isn't anything scheduled for like an hour.. but leave it to me to find a terminal with an internet connection... heheheh ... So. I've never seen so many young gay people in one spot.. its really fricking amazing!!! Okay... I'm here and I'm looking for one person, and one person only.... How sad is that?
God, as much as I try to convince myself I'm over Shawn the more I know I'm not.. Ehh... oh well... this should pass eventually...
I'm bored
Okay, will someone please tell me why they think I have a tolerance for two plus hours of drag shows? I'm fricking bored, and it was fueling my headache, so I got up and left.... Sigh.. I'm hungry and well I'm stranded.. fun, fun, fun... maybe I'll go eat... but then that means I'll be eating alone, despite the fact that there are lots of people around.. Sigh, I need to make a friend... (sigh)...
Wonder where Shawn is....
February 15, 2003
Moisés Kaufman
I just got out of hearing Moisés Kaufman speak..
WOW!
He has reenergized me. Okay ... I'm going to attempt not to go on and on, but I am enamored with the man. He is just amazing, he is extremely and amazingly wise, much beyond his years.
He's a dreamer, I can tell that I know that. He stated that he finds hope in our eyes ... How amazing...
I guess it's a matter of perspective. He at one point stated that "things can be better" and now as he sees them, they are better -- not all the way but somewhere near there. But then this generation, now we see things as being not very good. I guess I just have to be committed that the future can happen, and it can go very well. I've just gotta keep my head up and keep looking that way.
Okay.. One more thing, because I'm in the lunch room at OSU and I'm fricking hungry, so I gotta stop typing and get in line for food... Geez... He stated that theatre is at a spot in its art form where its doing the same thing it has done since the 1900s... We need, we must create and develop new forms. That means a lot of failure, and some success...
I've gotta figure out how to keep my head up through the failures... that is the most important thing I see as right now that I need to learn and learn better... Maybe I need to know as Micro$oft does, learn to kill my failures.
Shawn
Okay. I'm here, I'm queer, but all I can do is think about Shawn.
I was hoping that seeing him this weekend and just naturally being able to run into him would help. I have ran into him no less than three times. Well once was I saw him at a table he was working and I went upto him and made small talk. He seemed totally uninterested, not even willing to feign it.
Okay, so he's said he wants to be friends, when is that going to happen? I'm stuck here hurting and while I thought I'd patched it up pretty well, it just got ripped open seeing him here again. I've only chatted on IM with him in recent weeks, and that is a little more impersonal.
Perhaps it's as Moisés Kauffman said earlier today, that he thinks Fred Phelps is doing us, the gay community, a favor by bringing what lots of people cloak in euphemism and misdirection to the surface. Maybe this is bringing that I've not let go, and I've refused to let go to the surface. I so much would like to be out of this hell of limbo, but I seem stuck, unable to move forward with Shawn, unable to move back to just a spot where he is another person just in my past. He's stuck at the spot of unrequited love. Shit.
I've changed my mind, I would take the hypo-spray. I just want this to stop. I want to stop hurting, to stop caring about him, but it's just not a switch that I can turn on and off at will, wouldn't life be so easy if we could do that?
Pissed/Oppressed
I am Pissed. I am pissed at the spot society has placed me in. I am stuck. I am oppressed and I don't know what to do about it.
Moisés, Moisés said something interesting. I just can't place my finger on it.
To some extent I'm still wearing two masks - two identities - or more.
Am I making my decisions because they have been dictated to me by the masses? The Oppressors? What ever happened to that or an instinct within me that had that desire to go up and find a mate? I'm playing on the oppressor's field - not one I've created.
But, what i I play on the field by my rules? Am I bound to be hurt physically? Maybe ridiculed? tied to a fence and let to die like Matt Sheppard?
It is that that scares me - not the rejection - or maybe the ear of coming out and rejection at the same time. Asking another guy out who I don't know at a "non-gay" place carries so many risks with it, that are just well so utterly amazing.
Its amazing but if/when I ask someone out in those contexts one possible outcome I have in the back of my head that I have to consider is that I've asked someone who would consider killing me because of hat?
Does society realize thats where at least I come from? I would gander that I'm not the only one.
Death should not be something that I see as a possibility when I ask someone out, straight people don't have to deal with it so why should I?
Because I am one and weak without others.
Thats depressing but a true thing to say about myself.
I still would at this very moment not choose to be gay. although it is part of me that I cherish. I know my strength comes from my pain, my experience - those dreams are the ones that keep me going.
Where is the me in that? Thats a big kahunah of desire with lots o desire chains leading up to it. Its such a overriding desire of mine that I cannot deny myself it because it is one o the major things that defines me. That i what keeps me reaching and straining for.
I've drained myself of thoughts again, hopefully the idea brand gas station won't be so overly demanding to me next time
Offended
The gas station was kinder. I attempted to order a Zebra here at Starbucks and I got corrected to the technical name - a 1/2 white chocolate 1/2 chocolate mocha. I asked why and they said a customer took offense to it.
While I don't feel a need to be offended but I'm quite sure there are things that offend my sensibilities that I've just been conditioned to accept. The phrases "thats just the way it is," "oh thats what the majority is," "Its nothing worth getting upset about" are all phrases to lull myself and others into accepting the status quo.
Okay thats a big idea and a big change. I need to think more about integrating that.
Well apparently I've acquired a high efficiency engine.
February 18, 2003
Work/Conference
Well... Here we go. I got off of work two hours ago, and I've been wasting time at Kinko's and the computer lab at school... (My laptop is dead) I'm getting used to the fact of working 40+ hours a week. I'm not doing it yet, but its coming...
I feel like I should have a diarrhea session to decompress everything I learnt at the conference. But well .. I'm just too tired to start thinking about it all... the conference still has me wiped out.
I'm gonna get to it soon.. maybe tomorrow or so..
February 19, 2003
A Simpler Way
Okay, I started reading A Simpler Way again. It's been five years since I last read it.
The first time I read it I was totally lacking the appropriate skills and perspective to read it. First of all, I didn't realize at the time that it was philosophy. I thought it seemed a little too bullshitty at the time, and I just read it to read it. Nothing more.
Now I read the beginning of it at Starbucks. It makes a lot more sense. (It's amazing how being five years older can change your perspective on things.) The biggest thing I got from the beginning of what I read is allow yourself to play and explore and find solutions that work although they don't have to be the best solution.
Also, one of the things I need to get rid of or at least temper is my Darwinian mindset, that I have to be the best, because only the best survive. This according to the author is false. I would tend to agree with this. If only the best could survive, people of lower economic classes and whatnot wouldn't survive, which doesn't happen.
Okay, I'm trying to relate this to dating and the Adventures in Queer Relationshipland workshop at the conference this weekend. (It was amazingly over attended.) Okay and I thought I had a way to relate them, but I don't. So there. Okay, well maybe I do, I think the thing in dating is to find what works for you. While it would be wonderful to find someone with every quality I'm looking for, I might find someone that's great for me that's not really who I'm searching for. I think the thing is I need to look at dating less seriously, and be more playful. (Play is one of the central concepts to the authors of A Simpler Way) I'm gonna fail, and I think I need to realize that failure isn't bad in and of itself.. Learn, go try again and see if another connection works.
Hmm... also I found it interesting that the authors assertion that we self organize. I wonder what would happen if I started working on my Gay mentors program idea on the web? Would people come and help me out, or should I be all corporate and bring the right people on board and make it much more complex than it needs to be at first? I'm gonna go with the start it approach and hope people follow...
Well... time to update some webpages.. So until then, I'm gonna be queer, and play a bit.
Re: Life Sucks
This is in response to Life Sucks
Sometimes it's just not meant to be, and we can't explain it.
There are three people who I will always love and care about deeply. They each have found their own special place within my heart and they will all stay there, in quiet deep place within my heart.
But I cannot let them stay out, I need to tuck them away, shield them from my psyche and know that it will always hurt, and tuck that away, but still remember the great times I've had, and cherish that.
Spirtuality
Okay, I've been thinking a lot about spirituality along with all the other stuff floating in my head. This is the one that is demanding to be written tonight.
The conference seemed like sort of a spiritual type thingy. That place that I think other people call a soul got recharged. I don't like the word soul because of the religious implications. Maybe inspiration or energy well... That's a better term.
Okay so the conference recharged my energy and inspiration well. The last time I really remember feeling like this with just going somewhere was when I attended the Unitarian Universalist meetings in Atlanta. It's been the first time in a long time that I wanted to go to a place of worship.
So I've thought about going to the UU meetings on a regular basis, its just Sunday morning has traditionally been reserved as my day to sleep in. I only get one a week, and I'm gonna take this one damnit!
So, now we have the eternal economic debate. Is the opportunity cost (not sleeping in) worth going to the UU meeting.. I think I need to go to find out, because I remember being inspired and filled when I went to the UU meetings in Atlanta.
February 20, 2003
Paths
I ran into a Upper School friend of mine at the conference, so I felt a need to pull out my Yearbook and look through it. I noticed the quote next to my picture, which I picked:
"People take different roads seeking fuillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost." - H. Jackson Browne
I remember picking that quote because Miami Valley was a place of lots of highly focused people, everyone had seemed to figure out their life plan by their Junior year, and lots of people were on their way towards being engineers, lawyers, and doctors. I was worried they'd all have a tendency to get narrowly focused and look down at the people who aren't as focused as them.
So, the question is I've been on a path that I believe I've chosen, but in lots of ways I've just chosen one off the shelf. I'm as guilty as those who pointed to become a doctor long ago.
I think the reverse of the quote is also true, Even if your on a different road, still might mean your lost, and not on your path towards fufillment and happiness.
Okay, so I just rationalized why I've decided to find another path and get on it. I think the biggest thing I've come to realize is that clinging to the same path even when its not working isn't a good idea. Thats an idea I need to explore more through A Simpler Way, and further investigation.
Well I've gotta work tomorrow morning, so goodnight.
February 21, 2003
Sneaky
I was just doing some morning housekeeping (hey I'm a college student, its morning till 4pm) and I snuck two old entries in that I wrote on paper this past weekend. They are Pissed/Oppressed and Offended.
I'm not sure I agree with them right now, but they are entries I need to meditate over... Although unfortunately they're on a server in NYC and well I'd probably get arrested for bringing candles and whatnot into the server room.
February 22, 2003
Local Cares vs. Global Cares
Okay, so I had an interesting idea about the news.
Why should I care that 90-some people in New Hampshire died in a fire in a club? So what? Now we're going to go through this whole deal of what is needed in clubs, of course this story made the news only because of the Chicago trampling.
But seriously, the media is just out to scare us all and get us to tune in. I believe this is the problem with corporate media -- not money per se, but a desire to get us to tune into the newscast or buy their newspaper or magazine. Its not the money directly but the necessity that they feel the need to be watched or read. Thus they distort whats out there to get our eyeballs.
Fundamentally I see this as irresponsible journalism. Journalists should seek to inform not to be watched. This is a fundamental paradox of news in this country. Its gotta be paid for but it has a public responsibility. Maybe we need to go back to the days of news being a loss leader. News for news's sake, just like art for art's sake.
Interdependence and Interconnectedness
I'm stuck thinking about stuff I was considering junior year. Ummm... thinking about how we're all interdependent and connected and umm ... and how none of us can exist without each other. Ummm as much as people do end up existing umm without people they still exist with plants and animals that evolved together.
Umm I'm thinking about blogging and the same thing its interesting, but ummm as much as the internet is isolatatory blogging is a direct response to that ment to bring people together into webs and networks and become interdependent in someways ... umm my weblog ... or my eJournal doesn't exist without the others around it. Its my own its my own thing given that ummm I pull from Tommy's and Shawn's at times and Dana's also my freshman friend and (exhale) even RuPaul's weblog which is wonderful.
(The phone ran out of memory at this point)
February 24, 2003
To Whom it May Concern
I unhesitantly and without any reservations recommend Shawn Walker as a potential boyfriend and husband.
He ranks as on of the most unique, interesting, kind-hearted, insightful, and self-less people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
All I ask is that you bestow as much kindness and care on him as he bestows on you.
If you happen to be the man with whom he clicks with and you click with him, hold onto him and cherish your time with him; he is one in a million and your chances of running into one of the other 200 some in this country are slim to none.
Reflexively you could also be that special person for him or not - that person is out there and see if Shawn is that person. If he is not do both of you the favor by moving on, it is the best thing you can do for your psyche.
I wish you the best of luck and remember take care of him, he is a very special person.
With care and respect,
Nicholas Barnard
Snow's Nexus
I just drove to school from work, to use the computer. (My laptop is still in Tennessee, but is now fixed and awaiting shipping back to me, and my server at home sucks.)
Its snowing in the wonderful state of Ohio right now. And luckily not too many people were on the road so I fiddled with putting my high beams on in my car.
I was instantly struck with the feeling of speeding through space pretending to be Captain Picard (except I didn't have my needle and thread) I found it quite mesmerizing staring into the void of rushing snowflakes in front of me. Knowing that they wouldn't hit me but would instead just zip past my windshield, missing me.
Often I'm am an anti technologist when it comes to enjoying nature. Give me a simple camera, boots and just warm clothing and I'm happy enjoying the outside, but every once in a while, I'm amazed to see how technology changes and enhances/distorts our reality into becoming something more interesting.
Nature and science need to work together, because they are both from the same root of play and exploration, just in differently organized ways.
February 25, 2003
Which rule book?
I'm reading a book of critical writings of Michael Crichton's work.
Two Quotes:
"If you believe you will succeed, or fail, or be victimized or gain power eventually you probably will. (p. 98)"
"This attack of victimization has grown in American society since Sphere was published in 1987." (p. 98)
The question is: Am I a victim?
I'm thinking about my entry oppressed a lot. I dunno. I know I am not a victim that is not a mindset I've found to be useful, but I have been a victim in the past.
As to being oppressed I would have to say that my generation is less oppressed and more free than previous generations, but I still feel reasonable and justified in saying that I'm not fully free. I'm still playing within the constraints that the dominate culture has placed on me. Asking me to live outside heterosexual is asking me to move into a different culture, say Ghana. I am as accustomed to living in heterosexual as I am living in the US; They are almost all I know.
Even when I'm in the "gay" world we play by heterosexual. top is a synonym for who will play the common heterosexual male role, and bottom is a synonym for who will play the common heterosexual female role.
We can't even have sex without brining heterosexuality into the bedroom! Hows that for oppression and playing by the oppressor's rule book?
Even some of our other terms directly refer to heterosexuality. "Butch" is a synonym for well built and masculine. Queeny is hyper-femine.
This is not to say we don't have "natural queeny" moments or "natural butch" moments but all in all a good majority of these tend to be acts to emphasize one's masculinity or femininity. What about promoting one's gayness or inner-self?
Of course the question is what is your inner self? I think we all spend a great deal of time as teens doing that searching attempting to find out what it means to be gay and then find a way to "be gay" and then forget about being yourself.
This is not some random believe I have - I've observed the desire to "be gay" in the younger members of our community go through this.
In fact most gay people to through a phase where they feel a need to assert to the whole world that they're gay even in spots where it doesn't matter. In my younger years I made a point of asserting that I was gay while playing cards online.
I guess more of this boils down to that we need to examine heterosexuality and ourselves and figure out how we react and conforrm to stereotypes and make a point to be ourselves, not what homo- or hetero- sexuality demands of us. Only then will we be free.
February 27, 2003
War Fest!
Where are our political leaders? Aren't they supposed to be representing me?
There are many people including me who are against the military action in Iraq. Where is our voice in congress? Why are we just on a narrow and unrelenting train to war with Iraq? Iraq is more of a threat? Seriously Iraq was minding its own business and totally not on the radar map till Bush's administration leaked the war plan with Iraq and people started debating why not have a war with Iraq? And it snowballed.
We've forgotten about Afghanistan and now we're going to go to war with Iraq and we're prepping for a war with North Korea. Well who is next? I'm all for going to war with Texas. Why not? I mean really you have a state that turns out trash like bush we don't really need it. We should go to war with Texas because look at the threat that the leaders there have wrought upon the world? We can't let that kind of evil go unchecked. We need to cleans the world of evil. While we're at it lets declare war on Washington DC during the State of the Union address. Thats a good way to clean out the moral problem with this county. Then we can get some real leadership that cares about the people and not just oil and big corporations. Of course we'll have the issue of corrupt state governments and local governments but I think that we can confine them to work in our local McDonald's because we all know they're understaffed.
So what should we do if we can't conquer Iraq and Texas wont work? Lets go after Alaska, at least they've got oil.