Nick's Place

Much of Lesbian and Gay theoretical scholarship has grown out of Feminine theoretical scholarship. This makes the theories hard for some gay men to grasp onto the theory in a personal way that allows them internalize the theory. I believe that this feminine theory must be grasped, because the gay male is placed in much of the same powerless position in heterosexuality. I could write a whole volume on this. In lieu of such a daunting task, I will examine my coming out experience through a small piece of feminist theory.

It is a well supported theory that females grow from female identification into male identification. This growth into male identification takes place during puberty, where young males learn to flex their sexual drive. I realized while my fellow male friends were flexing their sexual drive they were also unknowingly building the closet in which I would exist for the next five years.

I think my first realization of the closet my male friends had built came at a "party" late in my middle school years. Our "parties" consisted, among other things, of time spent looking at images from the pre-commercialized Internet. Viewing these images, specifically those of naked women, required more work than today, and a dash of technical expertise. Given my computer expertise I was the one to perform the downloading and decoding of this pornography. I did not particularly enjoy viewing naked females in the same way as my peers did. I enjoyed it for the fact that it was forbidden both by parental regulations and by laws, not for any sexual drive or purpose.

What I believe scared my friends the most about homosexuality is that they were the ones who were in a sense being hunted by men, which is a total dichotomy to what they have grown to expect. That being that they could be the ones to be hunted and courted. Knowing their own pursuits they fear their ability to maintain their masculinity when they are pursued.