Path to Enlightened Insanity

I just read 7 Families Sue Administrator of 9/11 Fund in the New York Times. I find it amazing the amount of greed/desire that people have for something that in realize is a gift. I find it amazing that just because their spouses were killed by a terrorist attack (vs. say a murder) that these people feel they have a right to something that is not theirs, and are demanding more of it. Honestly, the government owe’s these people nothing. They should count their blessings that their spouse did die in the terrorists attacks so they get a shitload of money… Because if they didn’t die in the terrorist attacks, they would have been SOL, only gotten the life insurance policy or what savings was there.

Okay I know a strange rant, but eh, its 3 am.

I just finished writing my resignation letter for Lambda Union. It stinks a big heaping pile of cow shit that I felt I had no other healthy option but to do this. It needs some revision, but its getting near walking the fine line that it needs to walk.

I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I feel like starting another organization, but that is so much work, and it would look like I’m competing with Lambda on any count.

I feel a big empty rock somewhere inside of me. there is still much to get the ends wrapped up, but its done.. pretty much done.

Stoicism… Just got off the phone talking with Shawn … and I need to move on … mmm .. he started moving on … and we’ve had a wonderful three weeks together … its such a great gift just thinking about ummm those three weeks were or four weeks however long I’ll count them out at some point … uhh … its amazing when I think about them how great I feel … and how wonderful it is just to be able to put myself back in that state … (exhale) the euphoria the fun of that … (exhale) always easier to … usually its easier to look at the glass being half empty but the thing is right now I’m really looking and the glass is really half full … its more than half full … its all the way full … (exhale) … I just hope that uhh … I get to experience what I experienced with Shawn again and … Shawn gets to experience what I felt again …

(My mobile phone ran out of memory, so it just stopped recording… but I was about done anyway)

I just like to flaunt it, but I just filed my taxes.. The earliest I’ve done it ever… Whoo hoo! Okay so much for small victories… but it did it for free online at TurboTax Tax Freedom Project but its all good.. Albeit I’m not getting enough money back… Donations accepted via PayPal, or if its large enough I’ll take a check… ;-)

I’ve been studying Stocism in my philosophy of desire course. Its easy to say but hard to apply. This week has been rough and tumble, classes haven’t been good, car needs $2,500 worth of repairs, I’m no longer wanted in Lambda Union by the President, and Shawn and I are “just friends”.

But I’m here and living through it, thanks to anti-depressants and Kevin.

Good things: less responsibilty, less stress, and a whole lotta Nick time.

I went to work today to do something, too bad I don’t have a job that is more engaging, I’ve had too much time to think.

Copying Jordan a bit..
The song of the day is

Billy Joel’s And So It Goes

I spent an hour with Kevin today in the editing room with sadboy ohio, the film that I worked on with him at the beginning of August. It rough and very good now, with the polishings it should be awesome.

One of my notes to him was to add half a second to a scene, which through the magic of the AVID digital editing system he was able to do with no trouble, and it was much better for it.

It made me wonder how half second timing in our daily lives would make a difference. I’m sitting in the Hangar, one of WSU’s wonderful (yeah right) eating facilities, where a little over a year ago, I was in a hurry and kicked out the glass in the door. It was spectacular! I didn’t have any responsibility because the cleaning lady handed me a story that absolved me of guilt, and she saw what happened better than me…. But right there a half a second would’ve spared me the embarrassment and the shower of shattered glass.

For better or worse I’m thinking of Run Lola Run a really cool german film. But we get three different versions of how everything plays out. Makes you wonder how the different choices you make in life affect things. Another good piece of art in that espouses how our choices and timing can effect things is Star Trek: The Next Generation "Parallels" where Worf bounces around different parallel universes and things are a bit different.

Ehh, so choices are important, and we never will know what could be, except in our imagination.

Time to go take a marketing test.. yeah!

One of the thing you find out when you attempt to write anything with precision, is that the English language is amazingly limited and imprecise when attempting to describe feelings, among other things. For the record Greek has three words for love they are:

• Agape – to love others in a social or moral sense: This is an act of the will, an active choice–the highest form of love meaning that it is unconditional
• Philos – a brotherly love: Affection, emotionally based
• Eros – Sexual love–from which comes the word erotic

Still seems to be incredibly limiting. Thus this is what poetry is for… too bad I don’t seem to enjoy writing it.

In other language considerations, an observation I’ve made is how negative words in the language (sucks, fucked, dicked, screwed, asshole, "remove the stick up your ass", etc) have sexual connotations, and even more specifically have positive connotations for gay men.

Of course, there is the connotations of "straight" meaning directly forward, correct, or error free. Of course this implicitly states that by not being heterosexual, you are backward, incorrect, and full of errors. Yea! Isn’t language fun? Its amazing how its so implicitly used to oppress people, and this is just a small beginning I guess.

But its time to get naked and get a shower and get to class..

Tommy just sent me this email today… its seemed appropriate:

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two . Some people should read more carefully than others!!

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won’t make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can’t have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don’t waste your time on a man/woman, who isn’t willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There’s always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don’t try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Its sad that I feel a need to put this in my eJournal, but some people can get temperamental. So here it is:

Everything that is said in here, are my thoughts (except where noted) and is copyrighted by me, don’t steal it, ask me please! Please be aware that I get philosophical, whimsical, pissy, or sometimes even downright rude in here. These are my opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Oh and I feel justified in calling myself philosophical.. A professor answered the question "Am I any good at this Philosophy stuff?" by saying

"Are you good enough to do philosophy? Well, yes, you have the two most important characteristics, intelligence and a capacity for independent thought. You are remarkably open minded, for someone in your generation. You are willing to reflect on your own views and are open to the possibility that they might be wrong. You are a searcher. These are rare characteristics, and you have them. You are already doing philosophy. It is up to you to determine how far you want to take your investigations."

I’m not sure what this is going to turn into (planning what a journal is going to be is like attempting to decide what a kid is going to grow up to be when he is conceived, its just a futile effort with lots of dreaming, and not much realization.) but under any circumstances, if you show up in here, be honored either way, I care enough about you to be thinking deeply about you.