Path to Enlightened Insanity

I just spent an hour talking with a dear friend of mine, who shall remain nameless. He is someone who has been around at WSU for quite a while, starting out here as a student, and now working here.

He is someone who deeply believes in true romantic love that will last between two men for an incredible period of time.

He doesn’t date anymore.

This has always been a very mysterious thing to me. He is a wonderfully adjusted person, professional, and has a great personality.

I asked him why he didn’t date anymore, and he laid bare a part of his soul to me. It was an amazing gesture to me and something that I am extremely grateful for him having done.

He told me about a short but wonderful relationship he had with someone who then had to move away. He loved him enough that it hurt him, but not enough to ask him to stay.

He cried for two weeks after that.

He’s tried dating after that , but he doesn’t anymore.

Love is an amazingly powerful thing.

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He is now committed, or content with being alone, and single. He no longer sees himself within the next 1, 5, or 10 years falling in love with a man who loves and cares for him with every fiber of his being.

His favorite poem (from his website) is:

If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one life the aching
Or cool one pain
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again
I shall not live in vain

by Emily Dickinson

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I was about ready to cry then, and I’m about ready to cry now. I’m not someone who cries often in response to stories, but this is the simplest told story that has brought me to tears.

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I’m stuck contrasting this with Shawn’s and my relationship. And questioning exactly why he won’t let me say that I love him. Strangely enough it took Jenni and I nine year to get to the point of saying "I love you". Both relationships feel the same, just Shawn and I lack shared experiences to reminice about, but I feel the same for Shawn as I do for Jenni.

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I know I will fustrate Shawn by saying this, and that a relationship that is only three weeks old should not evoke this level of committment and emotion from me, but I do love Shawn, and even when we must part (as we will be forced to either by choice, or by death) that I will still love him, and cherish the time that I have been allowed to have with him.

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The word love sounds petty and taudry, and I know that at times it is fleeting.

What a crazy concept this love thing is. It is so deeply personal, and customized, that it only has meaning between two people who have discussed, philosophized and dreamed about what it means. I honestly am not sure what it means between me and Shawn, but I know what it means between me and Jenni, and me and my family.

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My friend and I also talked about men who seek sex in the bathroom and random encounters. As someone who has experienced random loveless sex, and sex filled with love the two are incompariable. You cannot satisfy the need for the latter by doing the former. And damn society and those who have blocked, have attempted to block, and will continue to attempt to block gay men seeking the latter, but then critize us when they unfortunatly have to engage in the former.

I feel robbed and screwed and otherwise violated by society that I had to go through the former in search of the latter. Sex never should happen without love, there is no point in it. I never want anyone else to have to go through the need to reafffirm that they are normal and natural that I and millions of other gay people have had to do. This is why I am involved with Lambda, as much as its fun to piss of the conservatives, and do everything else with Lambda, I never want another gay teenager to have to be told that they are normal, and natural. I want that to be a non-issue, so they are free to date, seek love, and go to the prom with the man of their teenage dreams.

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This all feels so weighty and forceful brought on by my conversation with my friend, but I feel justified in saying this. I think much of what I’ve said is a philosophy that I’ve really developed over the past several years.

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Got your take? Leave me a comment…..

I spent another great day with Shawn. He came and picked me up from work last night and drove me to his house (an hour a away) I stayed over. Then, I spent the day there and caught up on the news and my homework. After that he took me out to dinner at Don Pablos and drove me back to Dayton for work. Four hours of driving for me! He is soo sweet and kind. I mean I guess I did drive all the way to Memphis to visit Tommy, but this just seems so kind. Things are still looking on the up and up with me and him.

In other news, Why doesn’t everyone in the world think like me? (well it would make the world boring, but probably less stressful.) I just read the wonderful article from the BBC about Bush’s MLK Jr. Day Speech and of course he’s promotion tolerance and civil liberties in front of a Christian cross. What is the President doing making a national speech in a Church? Seriously, I know its a bit of a long shot, but I’m paying him, he should not be conducting the nations business in a house of worship. If he wants to attend church he can do it on his own time, get his ass in the pew.

Maybe I just get pissy because I’m an agnostic and I feel like Bush is pushing religion (to be more specific Christianity) as something to hold the nation together. PLEASE! Religion is the one place in this country where we are the most divided. Go to a church, it will most likely be homogenous — its been researched and people worship with people who are just like them.

I also thought it was funny that MLK Jr’s widow is preaching peace: "We commemorate Martin Luther King as a great champion of peace, who warned us that war is a poor chisel for carving out peaceful tomorrows," Corretta Scott King said, she added "May his challenge and his example guide and inspire us to seek peaceful alternatives to a war with Iraq"

It would be interesting to do something drastic if we do go to war with Iraq, like denounce my citizenship. As strange as it may seem, its the best I can do to separate myself from a government and a nation that seems generally bent on violence. But then again, I’d also be losing my right to elect my leaders, but not that my votes ever count. (yes, I know its a common refrain, but I’m a liberal libertarian in a conservative area of the country, we’re really outvoted as far as things usually go…)

Hmm… time to get some signs made to copy tomorrow to catch myself a roommate, and I should get to sleep, even thought I have 10 hours until class…

Its amazing how well my and other people’s (Shawn specifically) skills at procrastinating are honed… I’m at his house and we’re supposed to be doing "Homework". But we’ve both wasted an hour or so browsing the net and reading news individually.

But watching Shawn wrestle with the cat on the desk had been … well … cute. I miss having cats around, and well Boots C. He was such a dignified and distinguished, but genuine cat.

Well… Time to get onto reading plays…

I’m sort of rewriting an entry because EspressoBlog crashed and lost it.. I already sent an email to the developer and got him what he needed to debug the problem.

I’m at work right now… a bit early because the car is broken down, and my dad had to drop me early.

As far as Lambda Union goes, I’ve figured out a few things:
1. Jeremy Wright is an asshole, and a poor leader. (Not new news)
2. I care and am invested in the organization too much just to get up and walk away, which means I’m going to have to learn to work with Jermey Wright. As much as he is the President, we’re equals, I’ve been involved in the organization longer than he has, and I’ve had a position within the organization longer than he has, so the fact that he is the President is just a fluke of nature.
3. I need to limit my areas of involvement. I’m not going to be able to affect the whole organization in the position that I am in, so I better must make the areas that I’m involved in really damn awesome, and have fun. Already I’ve got a bunch of new ideas to reinvigorate the website and get things going, so it should be cool.

I think the thing that I’m looking forward to is less bullshit. Its gonna be great not to have to deal with minutes and attendance and typing all that up, and getting it on the website… But I gotta get rolling toward the floor at work..

Vegetable Oil Fires are fun! … Hehe.. not really, but a was sautéing portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight with Shawn and a bit of the oil went over the side to the burner and caught fire…. ehh.. shit happens.

The menu for tonight:

Vegetarian Lasagna – with Portabella Mushrooms, Spinach, cheese and all that good stuff…
Salad – Still haven’t figured whats going into it.
Hot Rolls – Kroger brand, I wouldn’t trust myself baking them yet..
Juice – Drinkage… probably would be cool to have some vino, but ehh oh well.

And as always this dinner is a community effort… thanks to Veronica Warner (for the recipe and idea), Dad (for taking me shopping), Lauren (Portabella advice), Señora Kay (General advice), Ali, Tim, and Toyna. If I missed you I’m sorry…. let me know and I’ll edit you in later.. ;-)

I had a conversation with a “birdie” this morning about last night:

Birdie:i think it was sneaky how jeremy brought people
Nicholas Barnard: he did?
Birdie:: uh-huh
Nicholas Barnard: I joked around about it… but not really
Birdie: didnt you notice the big group of girls
Nicholas Barnard: hmm… true.. but not everyone was voting…
Birdie: yeah they were
Birdie: /did
Nicholas Barnard: I should’ve known something was up when there was an email from casey wanting to vote for jermey

In addition I only lost by two votes. So I guess the thing is that I have the satisfaction of knowing, that I won, and Jermey just tilted the dang thing. Thats his conscience, and I hope he’s a christian so he can burn in hell for being so deceitful.

Well, I’ve calmed down a bit and put things in perspective. Talking with Jenni and holding Will seemed to help, why I don’t know but, I tend not to argue with things that seem to work.

I’m still convinced Jeremy is a bad idea, but my involvement in Lambda Union revolves around working with him more than anything else. Essentially I’m not sure I want to work with him or not.

Didn’t get any homework done tonight, but oh well, things could be worse.

The Nightquil is kicking in, so nighty night all!

Well thats it. I’m out of eBoard.. The new eBoard lineup as of today:
Jermey Wright, President
Allie Lane, Vice President
Duncan Hines, Treasurer
CeCe Houser, Secretary
Tom Lewis, Office Manager

Note that my name isn’t in it? Fuck. Its amazing how much of my identity is tied in with Lambda Union. And how much I fucking hate Jermey and his fucking smug attitude and his willingness to sleep with just about anyone who will do it. And the fact that he took advantage of [name deleted 3/30/03]. God don’t these people ever realize what type of fucked up crappy leaders they’ve elected to these posts?

I don’t know what I want to do with Lambda Union. I really don’t fucking know. The historian, Safe Space Coordinator, and Panels Director positions are open, and I’m still the webmaster. I really don’t want to be the Lambda Union webmaster. Its turned into a bitch position.. no dreaming no real space to grow in it. Theres no leadership in it.

God I’m just so lost right now. Its amazing how much I put on getting that position.

Jenni and I are going out for coffee tonight to discuss… so…

okay this uhh another eJournal entry on the voice cell phone thingy… ummm I’m sitting here rehearsing my speech for Lambda Union tonight upstairs (unintelligable) umm I never realized how much I really wanted this position umm… I’m up against Tony Black, Germaine, and Jeremy. Ummm … Tony you bless the kid he’s got a great heart but he doesn’t realize what he’s getting himself into… ummm he just should run for secretary or an appointed position … ummm Germaine … I don’t know why I don’t feel Germaine [should be President] maybe I’ve got some ableism going in but I don’t know why I don’t feel Germaine should be President … umm shes a great gal and all but some reason I just can’t seem to accept myself umm seeing her as President of Lambda Union… I don’t know if thats ableism or I just don’t see her as the right person. Ummm Jeremy oh god ummm … what a drama queen ummm … (exhale) I don’t know I’m just fustrated with Jeremy and he can go off he doesn’t seem to do much work it me it seems like the Vice-President never does work… Josh never did work last year Jermey never does work. Most of the time he’s in the office he’s either on IM or he’s playing cards there on the computer ehh… I mean you know stuff you know I’m just trying to eat and I’m not doing a very good job on it but ummm I just really want this position and I wantta get out of the way I just wanna I don’t know why I want this position its just strange. mmm gotta get back to eating so thats the end of the journal ….

I’m lounging in the Lambda Union Office, and I can’t find something to do, so this is a good thing. I’ve been looking at Shawn’s and my eJournal and expecting a new entry. So, I feel a need to do a huge wrap up entry, but I’m not going to.

Shawn and I spent most of the weekend together, it was lots of fun! ;-) Boy, he is Beautiful!

I just had dinner with Jenni and William last night. William looks like he’s really happy that Jenni is home with him more. I still find it amazing that William is growing up soo fast! Next thing I know he’s going to be asking for dating advice or something.

Tommy (Molly’s girlfriend) just gave her commentary on what she thought about Molly’s resignation/impeachment threat, and I’m still annoyed that they don’t see that having Molly removed as president is something that we (eBoard) did we did for the good of the organization, it wasn’t something that we did to be spiteful to Molly.

I still have doubts about the Lambda Union elections tonight. and my speech is still unrehearsed, so…

I just feel as if I need this position, and its the best thing for me and the organization, but the members will decide tonight.

In other randomness, I determined that in 2004 Jenni will have known me half of her life, and I will have known her half of my life in 2005. And neither of us will know each other for more than 91% of our lives. Take a look at the Extended Entry to see all the gritty details of the Excel spreadsheet.

Time to go work on the speech more!

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